Please Read/Critique/Edit My Essay (Posted In Thread)

College Essays
1

<p>So, I need to submit this tomorrow, so I'm just going to post this on here even if it isn't prudent. Here goes, be brutal:</p>

<p>I had never been a fan of the unfathomable expanses of the ocean waters; Especially when the setting sun cast a shade of hazy mystery over the breadth of the sea. Perched on the sandy shores adjacent my home I would gaze into endless blue horizon and wonder without end as to what could lie beneath the blanket of blue hues. So on that vacation to Bermuda when my father suggested scuba diving I had never been more anxious. “Dad, you go first, I can’t.”, I mumbled to my father on the edge of the drop boat, “Don’t be silly Dan, there’s a whole other world down there”, he replied with patriarchal resolution.</p>

<p>Preparing to jump down I felt a cold chill run through my bones and my stomach plunging to my feet. At only ten I had most of the irrational fears of a child: Ghosts, snakes, dentists; but the biggest, and likewise most irrational, was that of the unknown. A million different scenarios shot instantaneously through my mind. I imagined the army of scales and fins and tentacles waiting for me beneath the surface, the mythological sea monsters preparing to snatch me up, and the rapid currents straining to drag me to the ocean floor. </p>

<p>Taking one last galvanizing breath, I leapt; In that leap there was deliverance, there was salvation. Weightless, I slowly bared my eyes to the cerulean water, and a flood of species revealed themselves to me: Orange sponges, fiery red corals, a mosaic of iridescent scales. Never before had I seen such myriad beauty, untainted by man and technology. Ascending back to reality, I wondered why I was so intimidated by the once tenebrous sea. Beneath that murky surface lay a world of treasures, of undiscovered beauties, of limitless possibilities.</p>

<p>I was once afraid of what I was unable to see, of that which I couldn’t control, of the unknown. In my fateful first dive though I found emancipation from my fears, and from myself. No longer would my own mind hold me back from the world, and new worlds to be discovered. I burst back through the threshold of the aquatic domain and gazed back at my father. There, I found only a smile, a knowing, wordless smile celebrating the pure joy of a shared epiphany.</p>

2

<p>somehow, I like it :smiley:
which is kinda rare…</p>

3

<p>Well thanks so much!</p>

4

<p>I think you should take out a lot of the flowery rhetoric. A couple spots to delete parts. “…only a smile, a knowing, wordless smile” to “a knowing, wordless smile.”</p>

<p>“…through the threshold of aquatic domain” to “the surface.”</p>

<p>“…there was deliverance, there was salvation” to “there was salvation.”</p>

<p>And a suggestion that maybe someone else could chime in on–it’s sort of a big change to reorganize your opening sentence:</p>

<p>“I had never been a fan of the unfathomable expanses of the ocean waters” to “The unfathomable expanses of the ocean waters had [has?] always scared me; Especially…”</p>

5

<p>I would axe all the big words and phrases.</p>

<p>“patriarchal resolution”
“galvanizing” I mean, how is an intake of air galvanizing?
“mosiac of iridescent scales”
“the once tenebrous sea” I have NEVER heard anything referred to as tenebrous, and that doesn’t speak for its originality. You could’ve just as easily called it the “mysterious sea” or just “the sea.”</p>

<p>The golden mantra is that if you wouldn’t speak the sentence in a conversation, don’t write it.</p>

6

<p>Thanks for the help guys, I took most of your advice, and here is an updated version.</p>

<p>I had never been a fan of the unfathomable expanses of the ocean waters; Especially when the setting sun cast a shade of hazy mystique over the breadth of the sea. Perched on the sandy shores adjacent my home I would gaze into the endless misty horizon and wonder without end as to what could lie beneath the blanket of blue hues. So on that vacation to Bermuda when my father suggested scuba diving I had never been more anxious. “Dad, you go first, I can’t.”, I mumbled to my father on the edge of the drop boat, “Don’t be silly Dan, there’s a whole other world down there”, he replied with fatherly resolution.</p>

<p>Preparing to jump down I felt a cold chill run through my bones and my stomach plunging to my feet. At only ten I had most of the irrational fears of a child: Ghosts, snakes, dentists; but the biggest, and likewise most irrational, was that of the unknown. A million different scenarios shot instantaneously through my mind. I imagined the army of scales and fins and tentacles waiting for me beneath the surface, the mythological sea monsters preparing to snatch me up, and the rapid currents straining to drag me to the ocean floor. </p>

<p>Taking one last centering breath, I leapt; In that leap there was deliverance, there was salvation. Weightless, I slowly bared my eyes to the cerulean water, and a flood of species revealed themselves to me: Orange sponges, fiery red corals, a mosaic of iridescent scales. Never before had I seen such myriad beauty, untainted by man and technology. Ascending back to reality, I wondered why I was so intimidated by the once mysterious sea. Beneath that murky surface lay a world of treasures, of undiscovered beauties, of limitless possibilities. I burst back through the surface and gazed back at my father. There, I only found a knowing, wordless smile celebrating the pure joy of a shared epiphany. </p>

<p>I was once afraid of what I was unable to see, of that which I couldn’t control, of the unknown. In that fateful first dive though, I found emancipation from my fears, and from the impediments of my own mind. Today though, my courage extends beyond the sea. No longer am I fearful of life’s unknowns; No longer am I afraid to jump in.</p>

7

<p>Edits are in bold; I may have missed some. Mostly grammatical; otherwise, it’s fine.</p>

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