Would anyone be willing to give feedback on my UC essay prompt 1?

[shayhello17]

<p>This is a rough draft, and I'd appreciate feedback. Please be honest, and tell me how I can fix it. </p>

<p>Prompt: Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.</p>

<p>Essay (Rough Draft):
I hear the laughs and playful shouts of children playing on the unpaved, gravel roads. My nose tingles with the smell of piquant curries and sizzling vegetables. On the street, I watch as cars stop, allowing a cow and her calves to cross. </p>

<p>Amidst the sound of cars blaring their horns, I hear my Nani ask encouragingly, “Tunna, do you remember?” I know what my answer should be: a confident “yes.” However, I feel like a stranger in my own home, like a foreigner in my own country. </p>

<p>I was born in New Delhi, India. Unfortunately, my experiences in India were limited because at the young age of three, my mother, sister and I relocated to the United States following the death of my father. Since moving to the United States, my family and I have visited India several times, and each time I visit, I feel more and more removed from my Indian heritage. At temple, I struggle to understand the customs and traditions. The extent of my Hindi is the simple greeting “Namaste.” While eating traditional rice and lentils, I am the girl using a spoon while everyone around me uses their hands. </p>

<p>On the outside, I am distinctly Indian. However, on the inside, I feel American. I enjoy hamburgers (veggie, of course) and pasta, and I prefer Lady Gaga over Bollywood. This duality of identity is not the result of disinterest in my culture, but rather, it is the result of a loss of connection and memory of my past. </p>

<p>Memories form the basis of a person’s identity, and my inability to remember my time and my life in India has inspired to study neuroscience in college. I am interested in learning more about how the human brain forms and stores memories, and I would like to become a doctor, specializing in neurology or neurosurgery. I want to help people who, like me, are unable to remember the special moments in their life. By helping others, I will find my identity.</p>

[passionffashion]

<p>

@shayhello17

This is a rough draft, and I’d appreciate feedback. Please be honest, and tell me how I can fix it. </p>

<p>Prompt: Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.</p>

<p>Essay (Rough Draft):
I hear the laughs and playful shouts of children playing on the unpaved, gravel roads. My nose tingles with the smell of piquant curries and sizzling vegetables. On the street, I watch as cars stop, allowing a cow and her calves to cross. </p>

<p>Amidst the sound of cars blaring their horns, I hear my Nani ask encouragingly, “Tunna, do you remember?” I know what my answer should be: a confident “yes.” However, I feel like a stranger in my own home, like a foreigner in my own country. </p>

<p>I was born in New Delhi, India. Unfortunately, my experiences in India were limited because at the young age of three, my mother, sister and I relocated to the United States following the death of my father. Since moving to the United States, my family and I have visited India several times, and each time I visit, I feel more and more removed from my Indian heritage. At temple, I struggle to understand the customs and traditions. The extent of my Hindi is the simple greeting “Namaste.” While eating traditional rice and lentils, I am the girl using a spoon while everyone around me uses their hands. </p>

<p>On the outside, I am distinctly Indian. However, on the inside, I feel American. I enjoy hamburgers (veggie, of course) and pasta, and I prefer Lady Gaga over Bollywood. This duality of identity is not the result of disinterest in my culture, but rather, it is the result of a loss of connection and memory of my past. </p>

<p>Memories form the basis of a person’s identity, and my inability to remember my time and my life in India has inspired to study neuroscience in college. I am interested in learning more about how the human brain forms and stores memories, and I would like to become a doctor, specializing in neurology or neurosurgery. I want to help people who, like me, are unable to remember the special moments in their life. By helping others, I will find my identity.

</p>

<ol>
<li>Take out the first two paragraphs.
It is a" scene" setting, which has nothing to do with you.</li>
<li>I don’t really see your personality.
All I see is:
You were born in India
You moved to the United States
You want to study neuroscience
You need to" show" rather than tell.
Lots of unnecessary details, such as" I prefer Lady Ga Ga over Bollywood.“<br>
That is not relevant to the” message" you are trying to show.
The Prompt is REALLY asking this:
Who will you become? How has your world shaped you into becoming that?
What makes you qualified over THOUSANDS of other applicants?
Try answering that.
Put more “you” into it.</li>
</ol>