Year 11, rate my SAT essay?

Student Lounge International Students
1

<p>Hello guys! I am in grade 10 right now (Year 11 IGCSE). And I just practiced doing a SAT essay question. Since I've got no one to mark it as I don't live in the US, could someone rate my essay? Also, I don't live in the UK nor am I English, i just attend a british school.</p>

<p>The question was:
There is, of course, no legitimate branch of science that enables us to predict the future accurately. Yet the degree of change in the world is so overwhelming and so promising that the future, I believe, is far brighter than anyone has contemplated since the end of the Second World War.”
Adapted from Allan E. Goodman, A Brief History of the Future: The United Stated in a Changing World Order.
Is the world changing for the better?</p>

<p>Prompt: Is the world changing for the better? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. </p>

<p>The essay:
All of us know that the world is changing. What we don’t know, is wether it is changing for the best or the worst. In these last 20 years we have invented many more things than the rest of our history. Every day we advance in technology, and every day we invent something new. But is everything we invent good for us? That’s a difficult question to answer. In my opinion, even though many of today’s inventions are aimed towards the general well being of the population, many others are not, as, for example, new chemical gases used in wars and powerful explosives used to mine precious minerals that devastate our already fragile ecosystem. </p>

<p>Before answering Mr Goodman, we first have to evaluate the society at the end of the second world war. People where poor, tired and jobless. They had just lost many people they loved, and had endured 2 world wars of unprecedent dimensions in less than 20 years. Generations where killed, and families destroyed. And with another war dawning upon them, they couldn’t be but pessimistic. Many movies from the time provide a general point of view. Most people thought that they were going to die, and that a possible 3rd world war between USA and USSR would be the last one anyone on earth would ever see. This belief was carried out unil the 90s, until the cold war was officially over. </p>

<p>Having pointed this out, anyone can clearly see that any “contemplation” worst than this would be nearly impossible. I also think that, infacts, the world is going to change for the better. But this doesn’t mean that problems won’t occur anymore. In many futuristc movies like star wars, a utopian society is depicted at first, and then all the problems start to come out. Although I think that our world will end up more like Star Trek than Elysium, many people think that we are going to nuke ourselves to death or that one greedy corporation is going to take over our lives.</p>

2

<p>I don’t know where you are applying, and so I don’t know what sort of score you are aiming for.</p>

<p>There are so many colleges & unis in the USA that you could probably get in SOMEWHERE with this essay.</p>

<p>As a rule, spelling words incorrectly is usually a bad idea. My spell checker found “wether”, “unprecedent”, “unil”, and “futuristc”.</p>

<p>The grammar is too colloquial, too informal for a serious essay. Contractions like “n’t” and “that’s”, and sentences beginning with “But” or “And” do not belong in a serious essay. “Nuke ourselves to death” does not belong in a serious essay. As well as other examples.</p>

<p>Problems with commas, capitalization, etc.</p>

<p>And in the end, you haven’t actually said anything. You spend two paragraphs explaining why the question is difficult to answer. But they know that already. Then you say you think the world is going to change for the better, but you don’t back this up. You say the world is going to be more like “Star Trek” than “Elysium” but you don’t back that up, and then immediately say other people think differently. (Is Elysium a movie? Or were you using it as a synonym for “Utopia”?)</p>

<p>What you were supposed to do was take a side. Yes, the world is changing for the better, or No, the world is not changing for the better. Then defend that point of view. Convince the reader that you are right. But you didn’t do that. Basically all you did was say “I don’t know”. That won’t impress anyone.</p>

3

<p>Thanks for the answer. Yes, those spelling errors where due to my computer not typing some letters. Anyway, this is the first SAT i’m taking, and thanks for the tips. I’m trying to get an average grade first go, about 1500, then I’ll try to do better next year. I just wanted to know how this essay was, as it’s the first essay I write in SAT style.</p>