PLEASE Score My SAT Essay

<p>Scores, feedback, and ways to improve would all be very much appreciated!</p>

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<p>There is of course, no legitimate branch of science that enables us to predict the future accurately. Yet the degree of change in the world is so overwhelming and so promising that the future, I believe, is far brighter than anyone has contemplated since the end of the Second World War.
Adapted from Allan E. Goodman, A Brief History of the Future: The United States in a Changing World Order</p>

<p>Assignment:
Is the world changing for the better? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your poinr of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<p>My essay:</p>

<p>During the beginning of the twentieth century, people envisioned a future of progress in which the world was constantly getitng better. They hoped for liberation from the chains of war, disease, and poverty. However, as history has shown, the world is regressing and becoming even worse, with horrors being committed on an even greater scale than ever before.</p>

<p>Before half of the twentieth century was over, the world had been ravaged by two world war. While both caused millions of deaths, the later one resulted in the deaths of eleven million people, showing how even war is becoming deadlier. During the Holocaust, an unprecedented mass genocide occurred at the hands of a select group led by Adolf Hitler. Instead of using advances in technology for the better, the Gestapo sought new, more effective ways of mass murder. Poisonous gas, crematoria, and more accurate artillery were produced in mass numbers for one sole purpose: to kill more of the "inferior" ethnic groups.</p>

<p>Advances in science over time haven't allowed for a cure to cancer, but they have allowed for weapons of mass destruction. Until 1943 during World War II, there was no effective way to commit mass murder. With the invention of the atomic bond, humans became capable of destroying the world several times over. Instead of people living with more of a sense of security because they live in a better world, there is a sense of fear throughout society that tomrorow could be D-Day.</p>

<p>Many Americans thought that day had come on September 11, 2001, when they saw their lives collapsing around them. Their own technology, the aircraft that had astounded the world when it was first invented by the Wright Brothers, killed thousands as planes crashed into the World Trade Towers, killing thousands of civilians. Another war was launched, this time against terrorist suspects abroad and in America. The wars show an unprecedented global chaos as several countries thousands of miles away are being simultaneously attacked.</p>

<p>War today encompasses countries all over the world, resulting in more people being deployed overseas, where their blood drips on to foreign soil. Technology seves to increase the magnitude of harm it is possible to inflict on others instead of allowing people to live safer, more comfortable lives. The terror that pervades society shows that this is not a better world that we live in today.</p>

<p>I didn't have time to really read it, but it seems pretty good...my only problem is your thesis...
"However, as history has shown, the world is regressing and becoming even worse, with horrors being committed on an even greater scale than ever before."</p>

<p>It's very strong, but the word choice is too vague.</p>

<p>Thanks! Anybody else?</p>

<p>I'd give it a 4 (8-9) because that's my favorite number
third paragraph..."humans became capable of destroying the world several times over"
-Once the world is destroyed, it is finished. To destroy it any more than once is a waste of time...sort of like asking others who lack the proper credentials to grade your essay for you.</p>

<p>I'd give it a 3. Your examples are not diverse and you spend 3 paragraphs talking about war and not about anything else. I would cut out the third paragraph or incorporated it somewhere else.</p>

<p>Sanguine99, I guess you've never read any of the myriad articles that say how there are enough nuclear weapons to destroy the Earth about 7 times over? I'd recommend you read more before you criticize others for using a term you're unfamiliar with.</p>

<p>And I thought it was good for essays to be focused on a specific thing instead of trying to address everything at once...?</p>

<p>Hmmm....I would give it at least a 10...I think it was much better than my essay, which I got a 10 on. Maybe my opinion is biased because I always hate my writing on SAT essay prompts, but I thought yours was good.</p>

<p>I thought it was great, but it had a few distracting errors. It opened well, showing that you knew the topic. It was VERY focused, thus lacking diversity in examples. The examples given were great and specific. You don't have a -CLEAR- anti-argument presented, but it's there none the less. Your trasistions were smooth and original. Word choice could have been a little more tactful, however, you show that you have a descent vocabulary. Your conclusion summarizes very well, it's punctual, and accents the essay.</p>

<p>Only one major-minor problem- As a reader I would have liked to know how would you attempt to change the negitive things of the world. What would you do to make the world better? I wanted the essay to be a little more personal.</p>

<p>I'm not going to give it a score, but I think it was an EXCELLENT piece to write in 25 min. Definately a high score.</p>

<p>---just my 2cents</p>

<p>-----bump-------</p>

<p>I might be totally wrong here, but I don't think you answered the question correctly or directly enough. You focused too much on the past and not present. How is the world changing for the better, not how has it changed. And I don't think that examples from 1943 can be considered present. Also, you didn't mention society at all. </p>

<p>There is of course, no legitimate branch of science that enables us to predict the future accurately. Yet the degree of change in the world is so overwhelming and so promising that the future, I believe, is far brighter than anyone has contemplated since the end of the Second World War.
Adapted from Allan E. Goodman, A Brief History of the Future: The United States in a Changing World Order</p>

<p>Assignment:
Is the world changing for the better? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<p>well, chillaxin does speak about september 11.</p>

<p>I kind of glanced over the essay and it seemed okay, I echo the comments above. But one glaring error got me.</p>

<p><<the later="" one="" resulted="" in="" the="" deaths="" of="" eleven="" million="" people,="" showing="" how="" even="" war="" is="" becoming="" deadlier.="">> </the></p>

<p>Far more than 11 million people died in WWII, some would guess up to 60 million. So I'm not sure what you mean by 11 million- perhaps just the Holocaust. And even then I think the number is 6 million.</p>

<p>8 crappy essay</p>

<p>"8 crappy essay"</p>

<p>--that's kinda harsh---</p>

<p>well, my march essay was horrible. it was so unorganized and inconsistent, but i got a 9. i'd say your's is at least a 9.</p>