You did nothing wrong...

Parents Forum
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<p>Thought I'd share some wisdom someone passed on to me when we were in the waiting stage before the envelopes come rolling in....</p>

<p>You did nothing wrong. Even if all your hard work and spreadsheets and late nights and visits across the country to find the perfect fit ended with.... well, not the desired outcome, you did nothing wrong. If your first tier kid ends up having to choose between two third tier schools; if your kid gets admitted to the school of his/her dreams, only to discover that your EFC is off by tens of thousands of dollars; if your shy, quiet kid ends up heading off to huge U 'cause that's where the money came from-- it will all work out fine, and you did nothing wrong.</p>

<p>In a wierd sort of way, the kid who hates the city and wanted to spend four years on a bucolic campus, will discover that cities have all sorts of neat, cheap restaurants and live music 7 nights a week. The kid who hates the country and has to "settle" for a good school academically but in a remote location, finds out that campus is such a fun place to be on weekends, that who would have time to leave? The kid who worked so hard in HS only to end up at State U. with all the druggies and partiers from his HS discovers all sorts of fantastic, inspiring professors, and decides not to be Pre-med, since ethnomusicology is his life's work.</p>

<p>There is no perfect school. The dream may or may not materialize in the next few weeks, but you are the grownup, and one of your last parenting jobs is to help your kid over this hurdle and realize that it's ok to do everything right and still not get the desired outcome. The college they've been fantasizing about since they were 10 probably has lousy food, and the professors they want to study with are going to be on sabbatical or maternity leave next year anyway. Nothing is perfect, and you need to keep your wits about you so your child doesn't end up with a bad case of "never good enough" as he/she heads off to school in August.</p>

<p>I am done with all of this... thankfully, but as I watch neighbors and friends and cousins and sisters-in-law go through this process, I am mindful that although rejection stings, most kids get on with it and start to find something to love about their new college-- even when it's their 5th or 8th or 12th choice. The few that don't.... are the ones where Mommy and Daddy are in a prolonged state of mourning, or worse, refuse to acknowledge the feelings of sadness and disappointment. So-- buck up here, now that you're in the final stretch and remember, you're the grownup, and you did nothing wrong...</p>

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<p>Blossom, that is a great piece. As the mother of a senior daughter, I appreciate the large number of "truths" in it. Thanks for sharing it.</p>

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<p>Good post, Blossom. And to all those peeking out the window as their kid's open the mailbox ... she is right.</p>

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<p>Blossom, that is such a great post and it is all so true.</p>

<p>If a kid doesn't get into his favorite schools on his list, there is an excellent chance that this time next year, the student will be happy where he/she ends up. By the same token, it is just as possible that the kid who got in where he/she wanted could end up going and not be enthralled as they had thought. I realize college admissions is in the forefront and in an intense stage for seniors and their families but truly when the dust settles, things do work out. This is not a make or break situation. All of life's happiness and success does not ride on one particular college acceptance. A kid could be happy at several schools if he/she keeps an open mind. </p>

<p>As well, for those who apply to more selective colleges, being rejected is not a commentary on worth or being "good enough", not when selective schools reject scores of students who have what it takes and could fill those classes with another group of qualified students that are just as "good" as the ones to whom the college gave the nod. I know when my own kids did not get into a particular school, they did not take it personally and they knew they were qualfied but odds were slim and that is just what THAT situation is like. Nobody wasn't good enough. Nobody did anything wrong. It goes with the territory of selective college admissions and one needs to know that if entering that arena. </p>

<p>Things do work out. The attention and frenzy and intensity on this matter will die down and students settle in where they end up and most will end up wtih at least one admission if they had an appropriate list to begin with. There is NO ONE SINGLE college that is the end all and be all for any kid. Preferences are understandable but someone can thrive and succeed and enjoy several different colleges. This time next year, these kids will be fine. </p>

<p>Susan</p>

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<p>This is one of the most apropos things I've read on this site!</p>

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<p>Great piece!</p>

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<p>This was beautiful and very timely. Well said as usual, Blossom.</p>

<p>The only quibble I have is at the end. Sometimes, when the school doesn't feel right, it's not because of the parent, or the student, not being able to let go. Sometimes, despite all the possible great outcomes you have outlined, the school is just not the right place for the student.</p>

<p>But that's okay, because it's not a life sentence. Change is always possible, and a wonderful, though often tough, learning experience.</p>

<p>As a parent of a very happy transfer, I will say that it's not something to look for, or plan for, but in the unhappy misfortunate that the school is really just not working out, there is always another possible path.</p>

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<p>well said,Blossom</p>

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<p>I agree, garland, with your post. While in most cases, what Blossom wisely says is how things turn out, but isn't always that way. Sometimes, a school just isn't a great fit even when a student does get into that "first choice", but there are either ways to make it work (and the adaptation is, in of itself, a growth experience) or the student can initiate a transfer with even greater wisdom about what kind of environment they will thrive in.</p>

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<p>Timely post- thanks so much! My dd had a bit of a "delayed reaction" this evening, a mini-emotional meltdown, after handling a tough rejection letter yesterday. She had been well prepared mentally all along for it, and handled it great last night (with even the comment that she knows she has/will have other great choices) until she started answering the "did you hear anything?" questions at school today. It was a tough day.</p>

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<p>When I read the post about the Cornell student who, died...my God- I am so grateful for being able to hug my kids! It puts it all is such perspective, and I pray mine stay well through the adulthood they are stepping into.</p>

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<p>Thanks for this--and yes having been a happy sophomore transfer myself, I agree wholeheartedly with everything expressed. College is what each individual makes of it & each student has a BIG role in shaping her/her own destiny.</p>

<p>I heard today about a child who turned down huge FAid at Brown to attend MIT with NO money (where some folks say she's not all that happy). Just now, it's hitting her how much her folks are sacrificing for her at the end of her freshman year. One of her classmates spent only a semester at UCLA before transferring back to UH because he was miserable.</p>

<p>We shall brace up & support our kids as they each make the best choices they can with the info & resources available to them. I'm just glad that our kids all have choices & parents & loved ones who support them. Viva la choice!</p>

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<p>Lovely post.</p>

<p>Sometimes, there is a perfect school - but you don't realize that you were admitted to it until you attend. Admissions officers, for all of the "randomness" of the selection process, can build a class of students who all fit into the school.</p>

<p>I distinctly remember being absolutely crushed when I was rejected at MIT. I didn't realize how lucky I was until about, oh, three weeks into freshman year at my beloved alma mater. That thin envelope can be a blessing.</p>

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<p>I remember being crushed I didn't get into several of the law schools I applied to, but like you realized shortly into the term that I was at the VERY BEST law school for me, where I had a wonderful 3 years before getting my law degree. Getting rejected can truly be a blessing (saved our family LOTS of money too, since my school gave me a great FAid package).</p>

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<p>Great post, Blossom. I think sometimes that we parents forget how exciting and everchanging life was back when we were in our late teens. Sometimes the master plan going wrong is the best thing that can happen, and our kids only get to know that when they are faced with a situation/opportunity which they might never have chosen if life hadn't gotten in the way.</p>

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<p>Every year, David Nyhan of the "Boston Globe" reprints a letter that originally appeared (I believe) in 2001. I've pasted last April's version below since the archives are open only to subscribers.</p>

<p>THE COLLEGE REJECTION LETTER
DAVID NYHAN</p>

<p>The rejections arrive this time of year in thin, cheap envelopes, some with a crummy window for name and address, as if it were a bill, and none with the thick packet you'd hoped for.</p>

<p>"Dear So-and-so: "The admissions committee gave full consideration . . . but I regret to inform you we will be unable to offer you a place in the Class of 2009." Lots of applicants, limited number of spaces, blah blah blah, good luck with your undergraduate career. Very truly yours, Assistant Dean Blowhard, rejection writer, Old Overshoe U.</p>

<p>This is the season of college acceptance letters. So it's also the time of rejection. You're in or you're out. Today is the day you learn how life is not like high school. To the Ins, who got where they wanted to go: Congrats, great, good luck, have a nice life, see you later. The rest of this is for the Outs.</p>

<p>You sort of felt it was coming. Your SAT scores weren't the greatest. Your transcript had some holes in it. You wondered what your teachers' recommendations would really say, or imply. And you can't help thinking about that essay you finished at 2 o'clock in the morning of the day you absolutely had to mail in your application, that essay which was, well, a little weird.</p>

<p>Maybe you could have pulled that C in sociology up to a B-minus. Maybe you shouldn't have quit soccer to get a job to pay for your gas. Maybe it was that down period during sophomore year when you had mono and didn't talk to your teachers for three months while you vegged out. What difference does it make what it was? It still hurts.</p>

<p>It hurts where you feel pain most: inside. It's not like the usual heartache that kids have, the kind other people can't see. An alcoholic parent, a secret shame, a gaping wound in the family fabric, these are things one can carry to school and mask with a grin, a wisecrack, a scowl, a just-don't-mess-with-me-today attitude.</p>

<p>But everybody knows where you got in and where you didn't. Sure, the letter comes to the house. But eventually you've still got to face your friends. "Any mail for me?" is like asking for a knuckle sandwich. Thanks a lot for the kick in the teeth. What a bummer.</p>

<p>How do you tell kids at school? That's the hard part. The squeals in the corridor from the kids who got in someplace desirable. The supercilious puss on the ones who got early acceptance or the girl whose old man has an in at Old Ivy.</p>

<p>There's the class doofus who suddenly becomes the first nerd accepted at Princeton, the 125-pound wrestling jock who, surprise, surprise, got into MIT. But what about you?</p>

<p>You've heard about special treatment for this category or that category, alumni kids on a legacy ticket or affirmative action luckouts or rebounders or oboe players. Maybe they were trying to fill certain slots. But you're not a slot. You're you. They can look at your grades and weigh your scores and see how many years you were in French Club. But they can't look into your head, or into your heart. They can't check out the guts department.</p>

<p>This is the important thing: They didn't reject you. They rejected your resume. They gave some other kid the benefit of the doubt. Maybe that kid deserved a break. Don't you deserve a break? Sure. You'll get one. Maybe this is the reality check you needed. Maybe the school that does take you will be good. Maybe this is the day you start to grow up.</p>

<p>Look at some people who've accomplished a lot and see where they started. Ronald Reagan? Eureka College. Jesse Jackson? They wouldn't let him play quarterback in the Big Ten, so he quit Illinois for North Carolina A & T. Do you know that the recently retired chairmen and CEOs of both General Motors and General Electric graduated from UMass? Bob Dole? He went to Washburn Municipal University.</p>

<p>The former minority leader of the United States Senate, Tom Daschle, went to South Dakota State. The speaker of the US House of Representatives, J. Dennis Hastert, went to Northern Illinois University. Dick Armey, the former House majority leader, took a bachelor's degree from Jamestown College. Winston Churchill? He was so slow a learner that they used to write to his mother to come take this boy off our hands.</p>

<p>I know what you think: Spare me the sympathy. It still hurts. But let's keep this in perspective. What did Magic Johnson say to the little boy who also tested HIV positive? "You've got to have a positive attitude." What happens when you don't keep a positive attitude? Don't ask.</p>

<p>This college thing? What happened is that you rubbed up against the reality of big-time, maybe big-name, institutions. Some they pick, some they don't. You lost. It'll happen again, but let's hope it won't have the awful kick. You'll get tossed by a girl friend or boyfriend. You won't get the job or the promotion you think you deserve. Some disease may pluck you from life's fast lane and pin you to a bed, a wheelchair, a coffin. That happens.</p>

<p>Bad habits you can change; bad luck is nothing you can do anything about.</p>

<p>Does it mean you're not a good person? People like you, if not your resume. There's no one else that can be you. Plenty of people think you're special now, or will think that, once they get to know you. Because you are.</p>

<p>And the admissions department that said no? Screw them. You've got a life to lead.</p>

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<p>And people can be happy in a number of environments. As parents, I think we can really help ease the pressure for our kids by helping them realize that there is more to life than the Ivy League, and that doing well, whereever they go, is terrific.</p>