<p>Hi, I'm a college student. Last week, during Spring Break, my parents and I ran into a few conflicts. From my perspective, I'm angry at them because they try to dictate many areas of my life which, I think, are best left to me. For example, they ask me on a daily basis how much I have exercised and how much I ate, what I ate, etc. They also "urge" me to pick certain classes. They remind me to do chores over and over again until I do them ("get your hair cut") just so that they get off my back. </p>
<p>Now, I realize that they have a say in many things I do in college--after all, they are paying a hefty tuition for me. But with their interference in so many areas, I feel that I am not becoming an adult. They constantly imply that I am disappointing them for not fulfilling all their expectations, even after they "hand-feed" them to me...for example, my dad filled out an internship form for me two days before the deadline, and told me to write an essay and get a teacher recommendation--the problem is that the form was due during my final examination week. When I told him I could not write an essay and get letters, he was furious, telling me that he had already handwritten most of the form.</p>
<p>I think my ideal is that my parents should stop worrying about me so much (a plus to them I would hope), and that I should start to make my own decisions.</p>
<p>What are your thoughts? What "rights" do you have over your child because they are your children or because you pay their tuition. What do you think is an ideal way to raise kids, and how should I approach this situation?</p>
<p>It sounds like there might be room for improvement on both sides. Daily requests for information about eating and exercise does seem excessive to me, absent unusual circumstances. I certainly do not request or receive such information from our college sophomore. On the other hand, though, you could do your chores without being asked at all, or right after being asked for the first time. A mature adult would do his or her tasks without needing nagging or numerous reminders. </p>
<p>Was the internship your idea or theirs? Was it something that you actually wanted to do?</p>
<p>Have you tried to talk to your parents about these issues? What was their response?</p>
<p>Imagine that you can tell your parents that you have already applied for such such internships on your own. That while you like the one he was so helpful in filling out, you already have a similar intern application pending. </p>
<p>That is, if you want your parents to let you be responsible, you have to be responsibe yourself. If you have not applied or thought about applying for internships (I presume that is what you want to do) and waited for you parents to do so just before the deadline, then that is when all friction will come out.</p>
<p>The little things - What works best for me (the parent) when I start nagging is for my son to say with confidence, "You don't need to worry, Mom. I'm taking care of everything." Make sure that it is true.
Repeat as often as necessary, but use that nice, calm, grown-up tone of voice. Works every time. </p>
<p>The big things like the internship - You are just going to have to be firm and tough it out. It may take your parents longer than maybe some to let go.</p>
<p>I applied for tons of internships, I'm just getting replies in...I just didn't plan on doing the one that they picked (I wasn't averse to the internship, it simply came at a terrible time). About their nagging: they nag me about things I don't really PLAN to do...for example, I have longish hair, but they want me to cut it, so they tell me to cut it over and over again until I finally just give in. But I think at my age (20), I should be able to pick how long my hair is (btw, others say they like my hair like this!, I do too).</p>
<p>I'm really trying to figure out why I'm disappointing them...I understand that I'm not a perfect kid (and for $40 K, they may be right to demand a perfect kid), but I try my best, I'm getting a 3.7 GPA academically at a top three school, so I'm not a bad student, I TRY to exercise (I want to play rugby, but they're not cool with that), and I TRY to be social, but I'm not really the perfect man that my Dad/Mom want me to be. It's kind of distressing for me, that's why I want to confront this...I don't think they are letting me grow up, but I'm also insecure, I'm trying to get over that.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, what we may do with our own college kids doesn't really help you at all. You need to talk with your parents honestly about how you would like to see your relationship change. Find out what they need from you to be assured that you will do what needs to be done, and let them know specifically what they don't need to remind you about - like exercise and eating, or whatever you feel is not treating you like an adult person.</p>
<p>From my 18 yr old, I have certain expectations when he comes home to visit during break. He can't act exactly the same way he does at school, because he's not at school - he's in our home. He still needs to let us know where he's going and when he'll be back. I want to know if he'll be availbale for dinner. I expect him to clean his "space", do his own laundry, and help out when he's asked, (put trash cans out, pick up something while he's out, help with a computer issue, or something of that nature.)<br>
I don't worry about his haircuts - but then he takes care of that on his own. I don't worry about his internships or summer jobs at all - that's for him to do, or not. ( If he doesn't have a job, he has no money and no gas, so he has his own motivation.) He handles his personal health as well. I don't tell him when to exercise, and he promises not to tell me ;) .</p>
<p>We don't worry about or suggest classes - he has always made good choices throughout high school, so I don't feel a need to monitor that now. I do ennoy hearing about what he's taking, and "expect" some conversation and communication about what he's choosing. We also don't tell him how to spend his money that he's earned. Sometimes he'll ask if we will pay for something that he's not sure about - a new pair of dress shoes that he feels he needs, but might not buy if it's with "his own" money. We negotiate.</p>
<p>You do need to talk to your parents about this issue or your resentment may damage your relationship for the long term. Take charge. Sit them down and talk it out.<br>
Good luck!</p>
<p>Ivy, I'm thinking you need to learn to be more direct and assertive with your parents. You have to learn to just say no. </p>
<p>Instead of saying, "I'm too busy" --you should have told your father, "Thank you for filling out that application, but I've already applied for a bunch of internships that I like. I don't plan to apply to this one." Haircut? "I'm sorry you don't like my hair this long, but I do -- so I don't plan to cut it." </p>
<p>Then stay firm: no matter how much they nag, just continue to politely say no. It may get testy for awhile -- but I think if you want to change the relationship, you need to change your style of communication and your caving-in behavior. Stay polite, don't raise your voice or get whiney -- just use a polite but neutral tone as you keep repeating the "no" message -- and you simply won't give your parents an opportunity to exert the control they want. </p>
<p>If your parents yell at you or say hurtful things, then don't fight -- instead simply call them on their behavior - again, adopted a polite, neutral tone. "Please don't yell at me, I'm not going to change my mind; I've already applied for the internships I want."</p>
<p>You sound like a terrific student. That GPA is excellent. But I agree with calmom, you need to be more assertive, more direct. Instead of saying "I''ll do it later" or "I don't have time" you would be better off saying "I'm not interested in this particular thing." In the case of the internship, you needed to make clear to your dad that your finals came before everything and that you had already applied to a bunch of internships.</p>
<p>If your parents are on your case on a daily basis, is there a way for you to turn off your cell phone if that's the way you communicate? </p>
<p>Finally, it does not matter whether you parents are paying $400 or $40k; no parents have the right to expect perfection from their children. All they can ask is that their children do their best. And it appears that it's what you're doing.</p>
<p>I think Calmom has some great suggestions. You'll find that as you go out in the world, being able to stay calm while being assertive is a necessary skill.</p>
<p>Think of it this way: you'll probably at some point have a really difficult boss (everyone does!). Your parents are giving you great training for dealing with such a person. If you can present yourself as a responsible individual who is doing a good job in your own way, then they will probably back off.</p>
<p>I have a son who's a college junior. He manages his own life quite competently when he's at school. Yet when he's home, we both tend to fall into old patterns -- the patterns of how we lived back when he was in high school. I find myself reminding him of things like dental appointments, and he eases up on taking responsibility for his own life and waits to be reminded ("What dental appointment?")</p>
<p>This is really dumb. We should not be such creatures of habit.</p>
<p>Could something similar be happening in your case? Do you and your parents switch back to high school mode when you're at home?</p>
<p>I don't know yet what expectations I'll have when my D is in college, but I'm sure I will nag her a lot about excersizing. :-) Unfortunately, I will have a strong reason to do so and that would be more of my concern than any of her internships. ;-)</p>
<p>IvyAustin, I think I am a parent similiar to yours, but mine are a little older. What I tell them is that they are my precious cargo. You are your parents' precious cargo. It has been interesting to see my kids manage and manipulate to avoid my interfering over the years. It is a give and take process, a constant dance. I believe the smartest and most successful kids know how to use adult advice. Remember, no one will love you or defend you or come to your rescue like your parents. You sound lucky to me.</p>
<p>When my S left for school in August; I told him he was required to do two things; stay safe and stay healthy. I, in turn, told him those were the same responsibilities I had to him. I trust him, he frequently calls home, asks our opinions, sometimes takes our advice, sometimes doesn't. We pay little of his educational costs (based on there overall cost) He pays for all his "fun". If he's safe and healthy, I'm happy. How he chooses to be safe and healthy is up to him.
I recommend a neutral party and a long talk with what sounds like over involved parents; who are a bit obsessive about your life.
That's my two cents.</p>
<p>Good advice from all. I have none to add, but it's definitely food for thought for how I will behave next year with my oldest. On a humorous note Ivy, my mother is 85 and lives in the same small town as I. She still constantly reminds me to wear hats and gloves in the winter, worries that we don't eat right foods, thinks I should loose 20 pounds (I should), tells my children that they aren't dressed warmly enough, nags constantly that I work too many hours. I don't deal with it well and sometimes snap at her then feel guilty. I'm 51. I'm taking some of the advice here.</p>