My oldest was an excellent student, albeit lazy and easily bored when not challenged. Physics and calculus came easy. But when his parents’ (my) marriage was dissolving he shut down. Went through motions for senior year and started college as an engineering major. Fortunately at a state college because he continued to go through the motions for a year, basically playing World of Warcraft rather than going to classes. Returning for year 2 wasn’t an option so he took some time loading boxes for FedEx, took a couple classes at the local community college. Today, 4 years later, he’s an operations manager at FedEx, making a very decent salary w benefits and qualifies for paid college. His path is FAR different than I ‘planned,’ but it’s HIS path and he’s doing quite well. Age 23 living in an apartment w/girlfriend. Happy. Self-esteem restored. It was a bit of a tough road and a fancy college wasn’t part of that path, but he’s on his way. The bill for the ‘wasted’ year of college was a bit under $30k – he’s still paying for his share, his Stafford loan. In retrospect, maybe the investment wasn’t a waste – but a way for him to mature in a ‘safe’ environment while beginning to figure out his path on his own.
My son is about to graduate with a degree in music composition. If he has a job at all when he graduates I will be ecstatic. Fortunately he does not measure success by what’s in his bank account.
OP, your son has a job, a girlfriend, and an interesting hobby, all despite a serious health problem.
Good for him.
Your younger daughter is exploring career paths and learning to balance her ideals with financial reality.
Good for her.
Your older daughter is doing well in a demanding profession.
Good for her.
It sounds to me like your kids are 3 for 3 in terms of launching satisfactory adult lives. What more could you ask for?
Attending an elite college shouldn’t obligate a student to maximize his earning potential or only choose from a small range of elite careers. It’s an opportunity, not a ball and chain. Different people will make use of that opportunity in different ways.
Your son had me at math/physic major and “heavily involved with the community theater” - what a great combination.
He is still rather young, right? He hasn’t lived out his entire life so no one knows where he may still go (Sorry to sound so Dr. Seussy). It sounds like he’s managed to get his mental health issues under control, he lives a decent life with a steady girlfriend, a job with benefits with an upward path AND he does community theater (I still think that’s great). Is it a sexy life that you can tell to your friends about? No, not really. But even the most successful elite college grads lead rather mundane lives. It sounds like he’s finding his way; that expensive school was part of his journey to where he is today. I hope you enjoy his continued success and support his choices.
We are not in the camp that evaluates ROI on education. We value education for its own sake. What kiddo does with that education is up to him, no strings attached, no judgement.
We freely gave our children their educations, with no expectation of any type of ROI. I don’t doubt that either would have been fine wherever they had attended, but I am happy that we could give them what we did.
I attended a very small college that has produced a ridiculous number of corporate top-dogs, including the current CEO and CFO of GM and the current Chairman/CEO of The Weather Company (The Weather Channel) … in fact, the latter two were my good pals in college. I have been a vast under-performer if measured against the success of my peers. 
However, I don’t (usually) feel that way. I am glad for my education, for the choices I have made, and for the life I have.
When my mom was dying, she told me that she had wonderful children who “weren’t always what I expected, but they were who they were supposed to be.” This from a woman whose oldest has for many years struggled with overwhelming clinical depression that has resulted in a life others would find less than “okay” … but my mom loved her kids without reservation.
My parents invested less than $10k to help me get an accounting degree from the local state U (the same degree would cost 4 times more today) in the 90’s. I was a commuter student and lived at home. I had very average grades in high school and an ACT score that was above average at the college I attended, but wouldn’t impress anyone on CC. I made much better grades in college than I did in high school. I had a job with a Big 4 firm waiting for me when I graduated in the mid nineties. I have been earning six figures since my early thirties and I have confidence I can look forward to doing so until I decide not to work anymore. I could move to pretty much any large city in the country and find work. The ROI on my degree has been very, very good IMHO. I am very appreciative of my parents, who despite a lower-middle class economic status and who themselves never attended college, paid for 100% of my tuition.
I know that my path would not fit every child. Some people would be miserable doing what I do. For some it would be well below their ultimate potential. I agree as well that assuming we can afford to do so, we can and should look at more than ROI (I know I will with my kids). I post this for the parents who have been convinced that without a STEM degree from an elite college their child is destined to be jobless and living in their basement when they graduate. I see that kind of desperation in many cases from both parents and students in these forums. I imagine a lot of these kids are way more talented than I was and could have lapped me in my career with a little hard work, focus and effort. My path is still very much available and accessible for kids today. Everyone needs to evaluate this from their own unique family situation. A STEM degree from an elite college would not have been a good fit for me nor for my parents and their financial situation.
Many elite schools have amazing financial aid these days nd can be more affordable than state schools for those with lower incomes (for instance,at Harvard,aid is avaiable to families with income below $150K.). Not to get off thread.
3 children, 3 widely divergent paths, 3 contributing members of society.
W and I are constantly amazed how well things have turned out. We also frequently knock on wood.
@kelsmom: ** When my mom was dying, she told me that she had wonderful children who “weren’t always what I expected, but they were who they were supposed to be.” **
Best thing I’ve read on CC. Ever.
Thank you for sharing your mom’s wisdom.
The replies on this thread are very heartening to me. With all the ROI talk about college these days, I’ve begun to think I’m a dinosaur for not centering my expectations there. Like others here, our kids’ college educations were freely given with no income or prestige expectations.
D–started at an OOS public, was miserable (though top student), transferred to a very good LAC where she found who she should be. Loved every second of her education, made amazing friends, and lived and breathed ideas. Graduated PBK. Now works as an environmental canvasser–doesn’t even need her degree for this job, but she supports herself (married, her H works in similar job, they own a house), and I am very proud of her.
S–Went to an top University. dropped out senior year (I’ve told the story her ad nauseum so won’t go through it now.) Went back to school after six years, graduated with a respectable GPA, and now works a good entry-level job at a non-profit.
Neither is ever going to make a lot of money. Both are smart, thoughtful people who believe in making the world better. Both learned a tremendous amount in their college experiences.
I don’t regret a cent.
Thanks for all the input everyone. Some of you said you felt sad for me or my S or whatever. No need. Others of you have said how your kid started out as a teller and are now in management. Good for them.
I guess I probably failed to mention that my S is 28, has been a teller for 4 + years and lives at home with me and my H.
I probably did not mention that H and I are both educators on the college level. We strongly believe in education and told our kids they could major in whatever they wanted. But I am a business prof., so I guess ROI matters. My S could have gone to our local state school, earned a 4.0 (because he would have been living at home and we would make sure he went to class just as we make sure he goes to work now. He also attended a semester at our state school while on medical leave from his school. He earned a 4.0) and we would be out a lot less money. We could have invested the difference in money spent in an IRA for him. He would have a good education, probably more self esteem and a decent start on a retirement account. Or we could have put the money in any # of other things.
D2 graduated 2 1/2 years ago. She took jobs in non-profits paying basically nothing working on causes she believes in. She is sick of being poor. She has taken a corporate job that pays more and will do volunteer work. D1 also does a lot of community service.
So, to each his own.
S1 chose a major that interested him knowing that he would likely never work in that area. He had known since middle school that he wanted to be a military officer. He went to our big state u. on NROTC and university merit awards.
He graduated on Saturday and went to work for the Navy on Monday. Been in for almost 6 years now. Good salary, good benefits, owns his house and really likes his job.
S2 went to a directional state u. majored in something he was interested in but by senior year decided it wasn’t for him.
So he graduated and ended up getting a job through someone DH knew. The job doesn’t require a college degree but he makes way more $$ than if he were working in his major. He is totally self sufficient and seems happy. We don’t regret sending him to college. His degree can only be helpful in the future.
OP, when your son started college, you didn’t know of his challenges. You DID mention that your son was 5 years out of college, though I think not at home. But, he STILL has challenges and it sounds like you’re resenting him for having them. You couldn’t know, while you were paying for his elite college education, that 5 years out he’d still need your support by living at home and working a job you feel is beneath him.
There’s a saying I see often on CC-“love the kid on the couch”. I think that applies here-your son is what he is. He is employed long-term, graduated from an elite school, has a nice GF-many neurotypical kids don’t even manage that! I feel bad for him that you think it was a waste sending him to the college he went to.
DD and DS both went to expensive private U, after attending public school all their lives. Since it had excellent financial aid, it ended up costing us in total less than if they had been full-pay at the local big state U. They both passed up free rides to good universities. They had a fabulous time with lots of mentoring/close prof relationships/ excellent opportunities and both continue to thank us for having sent them there. I think they enjoyed being in a such an intense place where it was okay to be smart, interested in academics, involved, etc, after being in a fairly meh kind of public school situation. We wanted them to study what they wanted to study, and we had no illusions that attending this U would automatically put them on the path to financial success, nor was that the motivation to attend. As it turns out, DS is now a wellpaid engineer, but may go back to community college and grad school to change his career path to something that interests him more and pays a lot less. We want him to work in a job he likes, so we are all for him doing what makes him happy. DD was gifted with a travel scholarship after her undergrad, spent 5 years or so abroad doing good things with folks who needed help, and ended up at a well-known U, fully funded (living expenses and all) for a two year masters degree. She will graduate in May and is job hunting;, she has no debt, money in the bank, fluent in three languages, lives frugally, and I am sure that she will find something. If need be, she and her partner can come live here until they find employment.
When I think of the path that hubby and I both took; married and with a child, living with roommates, while hubby finished up undergrad degree and I worked as a cashier since my degree in dance wasn’t particularly helpful in the employment field… I have never regretted getting the degree in dance, and am proud of all the twists our lives have taken!
OP- If your son is still tying his self-worth to his GPA, I think you can help him lose that bit of baggage. If HE is unhappy with his job, he can make changes, and his GPA is certainly not going to hold him back at this point in his life. If HE is unhappy with the mix of work/GF/hobby, he can make changes either on the personal and professional front. But blaming his college experience for where he is right now isn’t healthy for him, and represents a distortion of reality for you as a parent.
Do you want him out of the house? Then get together and figure out how that could work. GF doesn’t want to become his mommy and boot him out of bed every morning to get to work on time? Seems to me like that’s a pretty good incentive for your son to develop the right kind of support systems so he can live without his parents providing that infrastructure.
ROI is fine as a concept. But seems like you are subconsciously punishing your son for having had a more difficult path to independence than other kids.
They money has been spent. Your S has a degree. You made a decision you thought was best at the time. I understand that in hindsight you wish you had made a different decision. There are half a dozen things I wish I had done differently with my D. Having a child with a mental illness is a huge learning curve. It’s hard to know what is best when you are in uncharted territory and the normal rules don’t apply. It seems many posters are trying to encourage you to see the glass as half full, and to embrace the success your S has had despite his mental illness. All things considered, he is doing very well.
I question whether the 4.0 GPA he may have gotten had he gone to State U would have changed anything. Being a teller for 4+ years has nothing to do with his GPA. Perhaps he doesn’t want increased responsibilities at work. If he had landed a better job out of school, he may not have been able to sustain it. He could be unemployed at the moment. Point is the mental illness affecting his career path would still be there had he gotten a 4.0.
I agree with the above poster that you should focus your energy on getting him help and support to live independently. His path will be different and it will help him if you can accept that and adjust your expectations accordingly.
Sadly, the parents may be the reason why the sin ties his self-worth to a number, the GPA. Speaking as someone who graduated undergrad sub 3.0 (yes, that’s a 3) and went on to grad school at two very well respected schools, and a career (!) I can also attest one’s GPA really doesn’t define a person. Especially beyond a year or two after undergrad.
I still say the son is relatively young, under 30, and his life has not yet been played out. However if the parents act as of he is already a failure, despite meeting challenges and overcoming them, that will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I have several friends who went to Ivies and then medical or law school and then switched out. They didn’t have any health challenges; they just chose a different direction. Some became SAHPs. Others chose another career path. I don’t think their education is wasted. Do you? I think there is so much more meaningful ways to measure life than ROI. Again, that just reduces a person to a number. I’m not sure that’s a great way to measure a person’s life.
I know someone who dropped out of medical school for mental health issues and now bags groceries. Of course it is sad. It is not anyones fault. Perhaps when you have a disability, you should think of a career with in your ability. It is not as though high paid groups like lawyers are happy. There are many different kinds of jobs.
Does he want to live elsewhere? If not, what’s wrong with the current arrangement? He clearly seems to function better when living with others. Why not exploit that?