Lost

Parents Forum
1

hello all! new here and im not good at internet sharing but i will try. i am completely lost. my family is a trade family. not a single person in my family has gone or applied to a 4yr+ college. we are far from unintelligent most of us have gone to 2 yr trade schools and honed our trade through work. my son is a 1st gen ( on both sides of his family) to seek out a college education. in high school he was very successful never earning anything less than an A- in any class. He was focused self starting and did well planning and juggling his own schedule. along with regular classes( a few AP classes) He was part of the general band, marching band, a wind ensemble, a jazz band and orchestra as well as football and tae kwon do all 4 years. he earned a 3.88 gpa and graduated yellow roped and with music honors. he applied to only one college which is a nice college that we live ~20 mins from. it is not a community college. When he approached me with his college goals he asked to stay home and commute as well as work. i agreed to not charge rent and help him with things like food gas money and his phone/internet bill. i agreed because i thought (and still do) he was well prepared for college, mentally, grade wise, mature. minus the $ as he is currently solely dependent on federal loans . he has for the most part stayed true to his word he comes home most nights ( nights he does stay out are mainly school related band camps social activities for student body a couple of weekends for friends birthdays), packs a cooler for food for the day, monitors his money and time wisely, keeps a tidy room. hes always grateful if i leave him a plate of food or folded laundry on his bed. he has not had major attitude changes as the college warned me that might happen.

however he is struggling bad. mid terms he did ok no failed classes but seriously a dip in grades than what he did in high school nothing higher than a C-. which i think this alone hurt his morale. semester grades came out over holiday break and are far less than stellar including 3 failed “F” classes. he owned up and agreed with me when i had said he didnt take advantage of help courses or tutors. He is determined to go 2nd semester and talk to whomever at the school about switching his classes and getting things fixed. his school is not parent friendly, they were when he was enrolling but then it flipped. parents get an email notification on mid term grades, semester grades, any “academic probation issues” and billing thats it. i dont see this as a letting go issue or me wanting to solve this for him ( as it never was my way) and i am trying my best to support him in his decision but im not sure how. i am a single parent. my support network either has no history with colleges or hasnt had any yet. im kinda floating out here on my own. my main worry is loss of the $ because of federal loans. im worried im suffocating/babying him by allowing him to live here free of charge. although i see no signs of abuse of this privilege do stop helping? am i doing to little in the helping department? Do i force him to drop? ( this is kinda impossible as no one can force another) how can i help him with understanding the federal loans ? will they continue to pay 2nd semester even if he didnt pass the 1st? what am i missing? any words of wisdom any direction might help me put my mind at ease im not opposed to reading/listening/learning i just dont know where to turn for the information.

2

I would suggest that you have an honest discussion with him.

Failing three classes usually means not showing up or turning in work. It’s a big red flag.

Or he is in computer science or chem classes beyond his ability.

One thing is you can fall behind very quickly and not catch up in college. It requires a full effort.

Maybe he’s smart enough to get by in high school with a lot less effort. College can knock your socks off, if you’re not prepared and determined.

To me it sounds like effort. Perhaps he feels out of place.

The point of my conversation would be to help him identify what went wrong.

I would be prepared to support this one more semester. Be firm on this 3.0 or better to stay.

You also have to find out what the school requires. He may need a certain grade to avoid being asked to leave.

Sometimes they will give you two semesters to catch up. I would only support one.

If he doesn’t make it let him know it’s time for a 9 to 5 job, rent, utilities and gas. Band camp will be a thing of the past. Maybe trade school after working to save up the money to pay for trade school.

Plus he’ll have 11000 in school debt and that can never go away. Even in bankruptcy. So this is serious.

Get with the program or get a job. Pretty simple but firm.

3

Letting him live rent free is fine. He has enough on his plate with school and work. If you add rent on top of it he may flounder even more.

It’s normal for colleges not to involve parents. Unless students sign a FERPA waiver they aren’t permitted to discuss the student’s business. Your son can visit the financial aid office to ask how he can remain in good standing. He has to meet Satisfactory Academic Progress, and he does that by completing a certain percentage of classes with passing grades and maintaining a specific GPA.

He might also want to ask about grade replacement. There are probably a certain number of credits he can retake to replace the original grade. I think at my son’s school the limit was 4 over four years, so students have to use them wisely. Another option is to attend part-time until he can raise his GPA.

What state are you in? Did he qualify for any grants for low income students? If so, make sure you read up on those so you understand what it takes to keep them.

A lot of kids flounder their first year in school. It can be tough to get used to being responsible for all deadlines with no reminders from teachers. Add clubs and other social groups, friends, and a job to the mix and it can be tough to find a balance. Your son should take advantage of professors’ office hours and on campus tutoring. He may have to limit some of his school related and social activities until his grades are under control.

4

It is a big adjustment from high school to college.

The high school might not have been preparing him well for college either.

It can be difficult to juggle classes, studying, social life and activities like band.

Some classes only meet 2-3 times a week. The pace is fast. Grades depend on a few quizzes and midterm/final, often no homework.

My D studies in the library. That forces her to keep her mind on her studies.
She also formed study groups for difficult classes.

It’s good that your son has your support and can commute. Maybe he can take fewer classes next term and something that isn’t too difficult. Making sure he goes to office hours of professors and tutoring center if he struggles at all.

Hopefully he hasn’t lost his financial aid yet.

5

I would not want him to continue in a situation where he is accumulating debt for a bad transcript.

First, find out if any of those grades can be replaced with retakes, as suggested above.

Second, is there any type of learning issue, ADHD, depression or other obstacle as yet undiagnosed that may be a factor?

Third, what resources are available at the school that he has not used, but might be able to use for the next semester?

Fourth, is he happy socially at this school, especially if he is commuting and others are not.

Fifth does he have a clear goal for his education, and if not, is this affecting his motivation?

My inclination would be to get him to community college for two years, so that he can have a program more similar to high school in terms of support and challenge. I would also avoid loans if at all possible. The cost at a community college may remove that pressure.

He can also go to school part-time and work, if that helps. One of mine does this.

Don’t worry about “babying him” by letting him live at home. I know many many kids who live at home and attend community or state college, and many many who still live at home after graduating from a college.

He sounds like a great kid and it sounds like you have a great relationship. But the current situation is not working out and you do not know why. Have a talk with him and find out what he thinks the reason is. He may be relieved to leave and go to community college.

There are also online programs, continuing education programs, and other ways to attend college that he might prefer, since taking only one or two classes at a time may suit him for now.

6

I agree with the other posters. There is a huge jump in work load, and kind of work from HS to college.

He needs to talk to his academic advisor and get help with a plan for next semester. He needs to go to all tutoring, office hours, and review sessions Join study groups.

I hate to say this but college level band tends to be a giant commitment. It’s possible he should considered joining just a small ensemble group that is a small commitment.

Don’t give up on him! Sounds like just a rough adjustment period to me. He has time to turn things around.

Agreed also with the other posters about it being normal for colleges not to talk to parents and that it’s good he is t having the burden of rent on top of the grade worry.

Make a plan for minimum GPA requirements and then the ball is in his court.

7

Of course support him with a roof over his head and food. Stop the working for him and any extracurricular activities for now. Get him to learning services, study groups, peer to peer tutoring, professor office hours.

Some colleges have set programs for students that aren’t doing well. They set them up with the above. If you can share the college name maybe someone here knows of something. If not then start searching online, on their website.

It sounds like your kids mature enough and I am impressed by his work ethic but some high schools don’t prepare these kids as well as we all think. Good grades /scores is only part of the equation.

Your son had his rear end handed to him. How he responds to it will be telling. First Semester /year is very tough for many students.

I would check on the web site about grade replacement for those classes or the like and maybe lighten the load of classes for this semester so he can get into the groove and what the college expects from him. It’s much harder /faster then high-school.

If there is a community College near by some professors from the college might teach there and essentially take the same courses with the same professors for much less… That happened to me when I was in college. Huge savings for the same class /professors /tests.

8

You may choose to look at this as a wonderful moment for big growth.

Good kids often think they are invincible and can do anything and everything.

When life kicks us in the teeth we either shrivel and decide to no longer make the attempt at big things (like a college degree) or we dust ourselves off, make a plan, make some necessary changes and persevere.

Those that learn how to do the latter tend to succeed quite well. And this skill is something they may never have faced before.

I agree with a few other comments … evaluate his time commitments … band, work, etc. and pare down or eliminate so that he can focus on his studies.

If after another semester you see vast improvement and rebuilt confidence, then re-evaluate again about what gets added back incrementally.

Sounds like your son is a really good kid who may have faced a combination of trying too much all at once and just not prepared for the new work load.

9

I could agree with other posters about persevering but the loan burden for a bad transcript concerns me. I would switch to community college, at whatever course load works, and then transfer to a state university in two years or whenever he finished 60 credits, with all the perks that go to such students (priority registration for instance).

He can continue music with lessons and playing in a local band, perhaps.

10

thanks all for replies. i dont feel comfortable sharing where im from. but to answer a few questions.

yes ive had a sit down with him. and yes i feel we are communicating well. he has no known learning issues, he was recently seen for his yearly appt in nov. and it was shared that he was doing well. i dont suspect drugs or drinking. his friends circle has expanded but not by much ive met them and they all seem very decent. he is very home bodied. home life is as stable as a 1 income home could get, i think. we live in a house with a yard in a safe-ish neighborhood not alot of crime, no drug deals openly on the streets, but theres always better neighborhoods. weve been here since he was 3. we have a dog, he has his own room with a bed, weve always had a car, ive worked the same job 7-5 5 days a week. hes always had food, a roof and clothes, hes not always got the latest greatest iphone though but has made it through. he has taken all responsibility for the grades. i do just think hes confused to what went wrong. he did show me one of “F” grade notes from his teacher where it states the final was in 2 parts during the same class period. one note said he did excellent and the grade reflected a B+ the 2nd part note said did not complete. and the grade reflected F. hes very confused at this because he was there and he completed it or else he wouldnt have had the 1st section of grade. hes emailed his teacher. one thing he really liked about this college is that 99% of classes are taught by the teacher. no student teachers. the teachers are not required to report ( and probably answer) until the 1st day back to class. his major is music. i dont think hed bother going or paying for school if it wasnt. i also dont think hed continue school if it was community college. his college "is looking into the future " and has set up just about everything online. with a student account all papers/homework communication is done via online. so the need to keep extras like phone and internet at home is essential. he has his own laptop to do everything on although the school provides free access to computers.

9 to 5 job, retail, trade school, factories, fast food any and all of those are open options to him. and he knows that he could walk out of college tomorrow and never go back, apply at any of the family businesses and start a life as a tradesman, and i would still be proud and supportive of him. i have never pushed him in either direction. he is the one that has pushed himself. i do feel as if this yr/semester has knocked him on his bum. i do feel because hes homebodied that he didnt take advantage of many tutoring possibilities. a lot of his studying is practicing is at home . and i do know that he complains that people are constantly opening occupied rooms & slamming practice room doors, making noise in the halls. hes tried so many ways to make practicing at school work. hes changed his schedule around to accommodate early morning/ midnight practice rooms. but none have worked so he chooses to come home and practice here. he has let me have access to his federal loan review/access page where it tells him how much he owes. they have already released his funding to the school for 2nd semester. no mention or announcements of cut funding. his billing statement from the school has not changed and still states federal $ have been paid. as for grants, he had/has 3 or 4 of them. the school takes them off the billing 1st so they were all gone 1st semester.