So I do not remember S first job because he took 5 years to graduate for mental health reasons. He graduated with a physics/math degree from a very selective school. He has been a teller at a bank for the last several years.
How terribly sad we, H and I, are. But this is part of his mental health disability. No ambition, depression, etc. At least he is working, has benefits and has a girlfriend for a 1 1/2 years and is very involved in community theater. But what a waste of an almost 800 math SAT, SAT 2, PHYSICS SAT. And all of the money we paid to this elite college. If he attended our local state college he would gave had a 4.0. He didn’t at his school because we weren’t there to make him attend class. He never failed a class or was on probation, but his GPA was up and down.
At this point, no, the price of the elite school was not worth it given our son.
D1 is working in investment banking and is doing very well. She has already been offered positions in Australia and London. Turned both down for career reasons.
She is progressing very well in her career at this point, has earned a good deal of responsibility and is earning a very good compensation.
Yes, this private elite college tuition was well worth it.
D2 is tough. Her choice was “save the world” type jobs upon graduation. She had fun, got exploited and has been basically poor. She has now taken a corporate job probably below her abilities but paying more.
Hoping this will help her realize what she really wants to do. She graduated with the "Out Standing Senior"award in her major.I hope graduate school is in her future.
So I give her expensive private school a pending yes.
Your son has a job. He has a significant other. He graduated despite having some mental health issues with which to deal. I would be proud of his accomplishments. He isn’t doing what you dreamed he would do, but he isn’t sitting around playing video games, eating junk food.
I am not judging my kids’ successes based on the amount of their paychecks or the prestige of their jobs.
Your son has a job with benefits. That is more than most. The fact that he managed to still graduate and do that with mental health issues is marvelous. AND holding down a steady relationship? I applaud him.
So he’s not making big bucks. The more important thing is- is he happy? Is he at least content with his life? Is he self-sufficient? If yes, it seems like success to me.
I think graduating from college is amazing.
Most people in this country do not have a college degree.
I don’t, neither does my H.
Our whole family struggles with issues & challenges, but despite that, both our daughters have college degrees, and the oldest has a graduate degree as well. ( they both took five years for undergrad, but I was assured by all my friends with college degrees, that was very typical- oldest did not begin graduate school until 4 or 5 years after college graduation)
I wish they had more time to pursue their interests, but they both are working and are married or good as.
They are good people, living a good life.
I have to remind myself that the college experience is about more than just the grades or how much money you make when you are done. I am paying a LOT for one son, and it’s not going nearly as well “academically” as I expected, which is quite frustrating at times. After he gets his “fancy degree” I won’t be surprised if he decides to go “off the grid” (like become a ski bum or a waiter in an exotic locale or something like that) for awhile. My other son, attending our state flagship, seems to be following more the “standard” formula for success. I am hoping that in X years they will both be healthy and happy.
There is no way to know what he would or wouldn’t have done had he attended the local state school. Marshaling the focus and intellectual capability for 3 hours that it takes to get an 800 on the SAT is very different that a 4-5 year slog at any college or university. Your son has gifts and challenges like the rest of us. It sounds like it’s time to “reframe”.
My kids both went to very expensive private universities. I believe the educations they received were well worth the money we spent…well worth it.
Neither of them is earning big bucks, but both graduated, and both have jobs. And they are grateful for their college degrees.
So, yes, I feel it was well worth it. BUT I’m not looking at their salaries, or career paths. I am looking at the value of the education they received and what they learned while in college.
Your post makes it sound like you would feel the investment in your son’s education at a private elite school would be worth it…if he were earning lots more money, and was on a more lucrative career path.
I’m saying…that isn’t the only way to measure the worth of a college degree.
I hesitate to post because I count my lucky stars. DS#1 did follow his passion of working with start-ups. He turned down corporate jobs in favor of the opportunity to work for a small, green company to make a difference. Of course,making that choice in the year that the market tanked and his job ultimately went away. He tried corporate america for a while, but then followed his passion to another start up, where he was promoted and then the entire dept he was promoted into was closed. So, he went through another interruption in employment, but was ultimately able to secure a job with his dream start-up, which was ultimately acquired by a big company, while leaving the smaller start-up essentially unscathed, giving him the best of both worlds. So he is doing very well, he is happy, and we are thrilled. Would he be where he is if he’d gone to a different undergrad? Who knows. But he loved his college experience and we have no regrets. None. It was money well spent.
Younger s took a different path, but is doing well too and seems happy. Did consulting for a few years, and is now with a big well known company. Also would not have done it any differently.
I gave my kids an education not a return on investment equation. Oldest has a great job which he got from a summer internship, youngest had a (pretty prestigious) unpaid internship last fall and is job hunting now, but will at best probably make a third of what the oldest made straight out of college. That’s just the reality for their interests and ability. I think it’s pretty rotten that the world doesn’t reward the sort of work my younger son is interested in doing.
And even hindsight isn’t 20-20 - there’s no way to know how your older son might have done at a different school. Maybe he’d have had an even harder time at a bigger more impersonal school.
This post made me sad. Your aon sounds amazing. If he had had cancer or some other medical issue, would you feel the same disappointment or would you be glad he is alive? Few people with chronic health issues or mental health issues achieve the kind of stability he has achieved, and I am glad to read that he is also doing community theater and has a steady girlfriend.
One of the most talented young men I know, who has no mental health issues that I know of, started working as a bank teller and then moved up to management. He is married and also does community theater. He seems like a really fulfilled person. I would say that when I go there to do business, he often makes my day.
Others have covered the fact that education is measured by factors other than a paycheck but I understand you are looking for some kind of return on investment. Perhaps you might have made less of an investment for all three if this was an overriding concern. That said, you really cannot predict what is going to happen in the future. (I know a tv executive who bartended at age 25).
OP, I am so saddened by your post. Your son sounds wonderfully successsful and perhaps in time you will believe that, too. I don’t even know how to judge the return on a college investment, but I am among those that find peole’s faith in the elite top tier schools misplaced. Life is fragile, and flexible, and precarious – if you believe spending more a year makes your child inherently better , or guarantees anything…well, that’s naive.
But your question. Yes, worth every penny. He works in a job he loves, underpaid. But maybe I should call my folks. I went to a private LAC and am ateacher’s aide after years as an at home mom. Perhaps I need to pay them back for all that wasted money
My older daughter went to WPI with a full tuition scholarship, but she transferred after 2 years because she decided she wanted to be a teacher. She came home, went to the closest directional State U, graduated (with very little debt), and got a teaching job - the year they implemented Common Core. She hated it. She said she didn’t get to do very much teaching. She got married (to someone she met at WPI) and is still working as a teacher, but she’s also freelance writing for websites and magazines, and working on a children’s book. Writing has become her passion, and I expect she will get her book published and who knows? Maybe she’ll be the next J.K. Rowling!
My S, who attended our State flagship, also took a job as a bank teller out of college. He was promoted after a few months and has steadily climbed the corporate ladder. He makes decent money and has great benefits. But, he doesn’t have any mental health issues. S loved his school, it was affordable, he is happy, and yes, it was “worth it.”
D attends a private LAC. She is very bright, but has physical and mental (anxiety) health issues. We chose her college (despite the huge financial sacrifice) partly because of its small, collaborative and nurturing environment. She is learning, engaged and has discovered new interests. When I hear her passionately discuss the topic of a recent paper, or rave about one of her professors, I know it is worth it. Every day she is there getting an education and making her way is a victory. If she graduates, I will be thrilled.
I think I underdtand where you are coming from and it is hard as a parent. We have an adult child who has an incredibly high IQ, can make high As without effort in straight forward classes but shuts down completely in open-ended classes, and cannot function as an adult in a job without constant affirmation and supervision. He is an Aspie with co morbid conditions of crippling anxiety and OCD (amg others).
We have very limited finances when it comes to paying for college, but for this child, we paid a small fortune for him to be in a supportive environment with Aspies where adults were present for assistance and guidance. I do regret spending that $$, but my regret is not that we tried, but that money could have been used to establish a small business in one of his areas of obsession which would be rewarding for him. Instead he works as a donation greeter at Goodwill. He needs an employer willing to work around his major issues. ( our son is unlikely to ever be completely independent, something that 6-8 yrs ago we were not really aware of. His inability to cope seems to get more pronounced as he gets older.)
I am guessing that the op isn’t thinking just in roi but perhaps if other paths might have offered her son something he would thrive in more.
Well said, mom2aphysicsgeek. Its often difficult to know when they are 17-18, even if some or many of their challenges are known, what is the best decision and best use of limited funds that will provide our kids with the support, structure, guidance, therapy or help with independent living skills that they will need to function independently, if that is a reasonable or realistic goal. And Oftentimes that is difficult to know or discern along the journey. So we make difficult decisions and learn along the way. 20-20 hindsight is difficult. If we’d known that spending $200k (made that up as an example) was not going to help our child ultimately be able to be independent as an adult, might some of us have invested or put those funds elsewhere to help our child in a different way down the road? It would be great if we could predict the future for ourselves and/or our kids. But we can’t. As for the OP, her son is at this point steadily employed in a job with benefits and has a steady girlfriend. Thats a good foundation. Bravo.
Please forgive me for not addressing your question.
We all have hopes and dreams for our kids and picture in our minds the various directions their lives might take.
When our kids start becoming adults we start having to let go. They make decisions that might surprise us. Sometimes they head in directions that we never envisioned.
It’s all part of the natural separation that occurs as we let go. It’s hard. It is really hard to let go of them.But soon it becomes the norm and a new relationship has been formed.
Before you know it your imagined visions of their future will be forgotten and you will fully see them for the person they actually become and the the life they have chosen for themselves.
For some parents it takes longer than others. Some parents never get there.
I can also understand parents who have scrimped and saved for years. Parents that have altered their entire lifestyle to give their children something that they believe will help make their children’s lives easier. Parents who will never retire because they borrowed to make it possible for their kids to have the “gold ring”. I can understand their frustration and sadness when it seems like the kids do not use this gift to their " best advantage".
I can understand it.
If you find you can’t let go of your disappointment go see someone that can help you see your sons path in a new light.
If you are lucky you will have years ahead to enjoy a great relationship with your son.
And as an aside, how many professional women (yes, it is women more than men) put their educations and careers aside (I know of attorneys, physicians, investment bankers) to be SAHMs? Is that any more or less of a “waste” of their educational funds?
