Cold Feet & Getting Ready

Prep School Admissions Prep School Parents
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<p>Now that decision day is getting closer, are any parents questioning themselves about the idea of sending their child away to a very competitive school? Any students/applicants getting cold feet and wondering if they can really handle it? </p>

<p>My DC has become quite quiet about BSs since the apps were submitted. It might just be a coping style -- quite different than mine where I cannot think of much else! (though I don't verbalize this) Perhaps DC is just more mature and patient than I am! But after reading everything I can get my hands on, I do ponder the question -- how rigorous is too rigorous, how much can DC realistically handle, will a top tier school be at the expense of a more enjoyable, well-rounded educational experience? Will DC thrive in a super-competitive environment, or should we opt for a less stressful school to increase the likelihood of success and happiness? If a school offers an acceptance, this means that they believe the student is capable of succeeding there - but do they really know? Most kids don't currently have the experience of studying for four hours a night, or do they? -- or pulling all-nighters to study and complete homework? How can one measure if a student is up to that challenge? This is certainly jumping the gun here, but assuming there is a choice to be made, will DC be able to make a mature decision about what school is the best fit in terms of rigor? Will nerves about workload interfere and hold DC back from embarking on something that might be wonderful? </p>

<p>I know there is no correct answer, and that it is a very individual and personal decision. Just thought I'd put it out there to see if others have any of the same concerns, or thoughts about it.</p>

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<p>I would be lying if I said there weren’t tears shed after A10 last year (and maybe even in late August!), by several members of our household. There’s definitely some bittersweetness in getting fat envelopes on M10.</p>

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<p>I know several kids who have responded the same way. It’s a coping mechanism.</p>

<p>The rest of your post, however . . . well, join the crowd! I’ve yet to meet a parent who doesn’t (to a greater or lesser extent) go completely out of their mind during the final month before M10. :D</p>

<p>As for your questions . . . trust your child’s instincts about school selection. He or she is the one who has to live with it and, most of the time, they choose well. And trust the school - if they see something wonderful in your child, accept that they know what they’re doing. (And if they don’t see something wonderful in your child . . . well, they’re obviously wrong. Maybe they were having a bad day. :))</p>

<p>As for adjusting to boarding school, your child will doubtless stumble and fall, but will also recover, learn from it, and move on. If things really get to be too much for him/her, then acknowledge it, make the necessary adjustments, and go on from there. Some kids end up changing schools and others find they’d rather be at home, but there’s nothing lost for trying. It’s not a failure . . . just an adventure, and they’ll be better off for having tried.</p>

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<p>What’s most important is that you and your child are on the same page as to why he/she is being sent off to boarding school and that you’ll be there should he/she flounder. My sister and I were floored when my nephew, while unpacking his things on the first day of boarding school, casually exclaimed that his father (separated) had mentioned that had he, my nephew, not given his mother so much trouble, he wouldn’t be going to boarding school. That was 100% inaccurate. We had to scramble to set the record and him straight, for had we not known about that, his stay at boarding school might’ve been a failure and wouldn’t have known why. After only one term, I’m happy to report that he’s already a honor’s student and tutor in numerous subjects.</p>

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<p>eileenbeth, your post could have been written by me…I am feeling exactly the same and my DC is also kinda quiet about it…I agree I think it is their coping mechanism…I wish I could cope as well although I know it is her sports and school work keeping her busy busy…makes me want to take up a sport to keep me busy. I have started walking more and more to take my mind off of Mar10. </p>

<p>And I also tell my child, she is better off for having tried because come Mar10. we’ll have our answer either way and I think they will be much better off knowing that yes they did try.</p>

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<p>Intriguing thread - thanks for starting it! Good for you for considering these questions now. Our family drew up the list as thoughtfully as possible. We are not magicians, but we tried our best to all come up with a list of schools that fit DS in terms of rigor, personality, approach, etc. It is darn hard, especially not <em>really</em> knowing the schools, and knowing your teen is a moving target - getting more mature every day, but still a kid. </p>

<p>I had a good laugh yesterday over a thread on the parent’s forum about the silliest reasons kids refused to consider a school. “Too sunny” and being in the land of a disliked professional football team were some of the reasons. Now, these are 18 year olds making these decisions on colleges. It does make me wonder what will sway our younger kids on boarding school decisions.</p>

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<p>The silence also describes my daughter completely. Her list was compiled by our placement director and is a mixed bag of five completely different schools. Every school is amazing, but two are considered pressure cookers. Despite what she would absolutely get out of them, she is terrified of that sort of pressure 24/7 and so she is more enthusiastic about the schools which have a more relaxed reputation. I don’t want to see her spirit crushed, but then again she may totally thrive in an atmosphere where ALL the kids are smart and diverse and interesting. But still, since the tours of the schools, she is completely unwilling to discuss the process at all. She said she will talk about it in March. She doesn’t want to know results online, only in the mail (fat or thin). </p>

<p>Her school ends after 9th grade and most of the kids go off to board (if not private day) after they graduate. Opposite my child’s silence is the chattiness of the parents, because the application process is quite literally all parents talk about. Where are you looking, what does she like? Who did you see at the reception? Parents know stats going back years for how many kids applied, how many got in, how many went to each of the schools. It’s really easy to get sucked in.</p>

<p>I knew this was the deal going into the school, and we’ve left it up to her as far as her decision is concerned. So March 10th she’s not checking online, and instead waiting for our mailman. I just don’t have that sort of self control.</p>

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<p>Ask these questions after April 10th. It does no good to worry about it now. </p>

<p>Some schools do have the reputation of being pressure cookers. That depends upon the child. Some kids need and enjoy relentless challenge. Good study habits can make a real difference. </p>

<p>When/if you attend revisit days, I think you should ask about schools’ academic climate. Ask concrete questions, such as: Are you able to complete the work within the time allotted? Do you ever pull an all-nighter? If yes, how often? Has any adult ever asked about your health after an all-nighter? Do adults at the school see all-nighters as a sign of a good curriculum, or do they see it as a sign that they aren’t teaching and supporting good study habits? Is it possible for a good student, with good work habits, to earn good grades without endangering her health? Is it possible for a student who cruised through middle school on sheer intelligence to learn good work habits in freshman year?</p>

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<p>This is one of the most important questions, I think.</p>

<p>And I also agree with not worrying about this now. Really. Try as hard as you can not to invest too much thought into schools when you don’t even know what your options will be. I know. Easier said than done.</p>

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<p>I think Periwinkle meant March 10. :)</p>

<p>Kittenygoodness - Welcome to the forum! I hope you know you’re not alone in this. I know it’s hard, but, if you can, try to take a step back and let your daughter do this her own way. If she has the self-control to wait for the mail, then good for her! If and when it turns out there’s a choice to be made, know that your opinion is valuable, and you can exercise a parental veto if you feel it’s necessary . . . but if you’ve trusted her this far, you should continue to do so. As already noted, revisit days make a huge difference, and you may be surprised at the decision your daughter makes after she’s had that second chance to go back and learn more about the schools.</p>

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<p>It doesn’t stop being scary or hard until the end of the second semester - and then things ease a bit. I’ll admit going to parent weekends helps because you see your child in action, meet the new friends, and develop a sense they’re coping better than we are.</p>

<p>I am the product of a boarding school - the first in the family to go, and I thought I was prepared when my youngest began surreptitiously researching boarding schools and asked to do the same. Instead it felt like she ripped my heart out because I suddenly realized what it must have felt like for my mother - who had no knowledge of what boarding school was, to let me go off to live in a new culture, in a far away state, with much harder academics and (back then) few convenient modes of staying in contact.</p>

<p>So some caveats from the trenches:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>The decision letter “waiting” period is tough. Your (or your child’s) minds will go through all sorts of scenarios - some fun, some scary. Once applications are done the reality versus fantasy starts to gel. Our daughter told us we couldn’t talk about anything having to do with boarding schools during that time.</p></li>
<li><p>Brace - in some cases the no’s come faster than the yesses. I don’t quite get the usefulness of posting “no’s” online at midnight given that packets may or may not be in the mail from other schools - but the “no’s” trigger an outpouring of all that pent up stress held in from the quiet period. Keep comfort food and hugs (or whatever is appropriate) nearby just in case.</p></li>
<li><p>Brace again - some schools use snail mail, our “yesses” and a prominent 2-page waitlist letter came two days after the tenth. I kind of wish acceptances came by Federal Express to blunt the others.</p></li>
<li><p>If you can, go to revisit days. It helps with decisions and starts to make the process real.</p></li>
<li><p>Summer returns to a mix of elation and periods of “don’t want to talk about it” silence. Telling friends they are really leaving is the hardest for the student. Walking by a bedroom which will soon be empty is hard to parents. If you are lucky - you’ll be allowed to sneak in extra hugs and affection before August. Make the time left count. August will be filled with “what to pack”, lots of placement tests, more stress, more “am I ready” and if lucky, some contacts from existing students to help get them acclimated. My D and her roommate connected online after the roommate called the school to see who she got matched up with.</p></li>
<li><p>Brace part III - dropping them off. It feels good until the night before. Then it feels like dinner is the “last meal.” Also the realization you can’t be there to help solve problems, feed them, check homework. They’re flying solo the next day. Comfort food dulls the pain. (When you get on campus and they’re whisked away by other students and you’re standing there alone flabbergasted, you’ll have plenty of sad faced company among the new parents. Take solace in the smiles of the returning parents who’ve survived the first year and know you’ll be one of them the next year.)</p></li>
<li><p>Brace IV: The part that everyone glosses over - the first 2-3 months on campus are the hardest. For many students it might be called brutal as they realize their straight A work at their previous school is C work at the new one. They’ll be adjusting to new learning styles, finding study groups, stressing out about schedules and teachers and finding friends. They may be crying or calling themselves failures, or suggesting maybe they should have stayed at home. DO NOT PANIC. Cry when you hang up the phone, but stay calm, tell them this is normal. Don’t try to “fix it” - keep focused on being an “ear” for them to use. For most students, this adjusts by second semester and when you ask if they still want to come home, they’re talking about snagging a better room in a better dorm for the next year and have already picked out potential roommates. By the end of the first year, many students are immersed, wondering how they’ll fill their time in the summer, and looking forward to going back (some don’t - but many if not most do). And many of those who got “grade” shock in the first quarter will be solid academically by Senior year. Colleges are already aware that boarding schools often grade tougher than their non BS peers.</p></li>
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<p>The good news and the bottom line - if your child is accepted it means the school saw them as a “fit” and deemed them academically and emotionally mature enough to take on the challenge. You’ll both come through the other end stronger than you started.</p>

<p>What we really need is a boot-camp for parents - kind of like guerrilla combat training combined with a twelve step program.</p>

<p>Until then, CC fills that bill nicely.</p>

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<p>My daughter puts a lot of pressure on herself all the time, so I fear an environment where everyone is incredibly intense might be unhealthy. I just want wherever she goes to have balance, so those questions to ask really help, thank you. A bad grade (b) now sends her over the edge in despair, and from what I hear, good grades tend to become mediocre at BS.</p>

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<p>Thank you Exie, that post helps a lot. My husband and I decided in the beginning that this is her decision (ironically my husband likes school A, I like school B, and she likes C&D most). The ones she likes best are far away :frowning: and she’s an only child, so if she goes I expect it will probably be harder on me than her. And I know in my heart BS would be so good for her, in so many ways.</p>

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<p>Thanks Dodgersmom! I’ve been enjoying my year off from worrying about M10.</p>

<p>Good advice from past years, I think from Neatoburrito: Take your child out to dinner to celebrate the process before March 10th. Congratulate him or her on making it through the process, no matter what. </p>

<p>No matter the outcome, it ain’t over 'til it’s over. Don’t assume that all the letters will be thin until you’ve opened them all. Remember that rejections aren’t personal.</p>

<p>@Kittenygoodness, don’t borrow trouble before it arrives. You know your child very well. The placement director also knows her well–she sees a different side of her, the “at school KG daughter.” The placement director also knows how other students from her school have fared over the years. I’d wager she hasn’t tried to set your daughter up to crash and burn. Don’t cross off a school on the basis of rumors. Attend revisit days, if she’s fortunate enough to have a choice, and try to make an informed decision. Attending classes can make a difference. Your daughter will get to spend time with other students, which can help her figure out where she will fit in.</p>

<p>If she’s a perfectionist, the greatest stress comes from within. Yes, boarding schools can grade stringently. At revisit days, try to find a copy of each school’s profile, the document they send out to colleges. That profile should include a grade distribution chart. Some schools are online, but not all. At any rate, sit down with her and compare the distribution of grades to the college placement. It should become clear that very few, if any, students achieve perfect grades, but many go on to great colleges. Thus, a B is not the end of the world. </p>

<p>If she does decide to attend one of the two “pressure cooker” schools, make certain her advisor knows of her perfectionism. I would recommend you request a female advisor, if possible (ducking in advance of charges of sexism.) At any rate, high achieving female students can be perfectionists. This is not an unknown pattern. Not to make you worry, but if she chooses one of the more “balanced” schools, she’s still the same person. If she generates her own stress, she can find pressure at any school.</p>

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<p>Thanks, Periwinkle. I will take your advice with much appreciation. I really am trying to support her decision to not talk about it until later, and to trust her decision (if there is one to be made down the road). But I have enough nervousness for both of us, both wanting yet fearing good news March 10th.</p>

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<p>It’s threads like this that make the CC/BS forum such a valuable resource, IMO. New-to-the-process folks getting answers from experienced folks that might not be available anywhere else.</p>

<p>I really appreciated Exie’s observation that “the first 2-3 months on campus are the hardest. For many students it might be called brutal as they realize their straight A work at their previous school is C work at the new one.” What I’d suggest for new parents is not to freak too much (at least in front of your child) if your new-to-BS child gets a “never before” C or two. It’s definitely hard, and it will make you question if you are doing the right thing. But more often than not, I think you’ll see a rebound by the end of the next marking period…part of the natural “sorting it all out” process.</p>

<p>I’ve also heard it said that the first winter (especially in the New England states…though it’s been a very mild winter so far) can be a tough one for many. That stretch between New Year and Spring Break. We haven’t seen it so far, but I could see how some seasonal affective disorder could come into play.</p>

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<p>I, too, worried about the increase in academic level and workload and the potential for all-nighters, but advisor told us that staying up past lights-out for freshman is an honor code violation, and DS tells us that even though he’d sometimes like to stay up later, it’s just not allowed. He also says that study hours are generally more than sufficient to get the work done and, if he needs more time, there are free periods during the day; no one is scheduled with classes/sports every single hour of the day. Students just have to manage their time well. I’m sure in the upper grades when there is less supervision and no lights-out policy, it’s a different story but by then, hopefully, good study habits are well entrenched.</p>

<p>Also, part of what you get with BS is amazing teachers who are quite generous with their time. High-achievers often feel that they should be able to handle everything on their own and not need to seek out help. This mentality does not work at BS. The students who seek help are those who do best. Make sure your DC knows that asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Knowing that help is always available from teachers and from peers lessens stress and helps students feel part of the learning community. The first time DS reached out for help in an honors course, he found that several of his classmates were struggling also, and when he showed up at the study group the teacher had organized, there were doughnuts and other snacks, and the kids had a blast challenging each other and the teacher and working through some difficult concepts. DS did very well on the test of those concepts, and now looks forward to any teacher/group study opportunities. He also said that the study group brought the kids closer together. Sometimes all you need to relieve stress in the pressure-cooker is to lift the lid, look around, and know you’re not alone and that help is readily available and cheerfully given. So, at revisit days, ask what kind of academic support system is in place, and make sure your DC understands that asking for help is expected and pays off.</p>

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<p>Sigh. Just when I thought I had something helpful to contribute, DS calls to ask if I have any tips on how he might be able to fit lunch and/or dinner into his schedule. He has six classes this term and has decided that meals are optional (he says dining hall is too out-of-the-way which I can’t figure out as it’s in the center of campus). I told him I’m still working on that transporter but until I’ve worked out the bugs in breeching the space/time continuum, he’s going to have to start managing his time better–or build the thing himself. That’s one of the drawbacks of BS; you just aren’t there to give those necessary thumps on the head.</p>

<p>So, OK. I still stand by my post, but I’m not saying my DS has quite figured it all out.</p>

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<p>@ChoatieMom: Partly because I assume you tread lightly in such matters, I would suggest to you that this might be a good time to contact a hall parent to give DS the thump on his head that he needs. They can see whether he’s getting meals (as it’s still possible that he’s exaggerating after missing two meals a couple weeks ago) and, if not, take him aside and offer suggestions and strategies for managing his time and whereabouts. This is a legitimate thing to raise with a hall patent, particularly if (as I suspect in your case) you haven’t put them on your speed dial. And if it was a female, the whole anorexia issue would make this a priority matter – at least for the school to monitor. DS never needs to know you called and, sometimes, head thumping works best when it comes from a house parent and not mom or dad. This is probably one of those times. Even though you said he asked for advice, any tips you can share will likely be met with a “what do you guys know about my school life?” arrogance, while dorm parent advice may be welcomed with some rare teen humility.</p>

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<p>@ eileenbeth and @kittenygoodness: One of the counterintuitive benefits of boarding school was how close our relationship with DS grew while he was at BS. Part of that is because kids are at that age anyway and they are starting to engage with you more like adults as they mature quickly through high school; but part of that is because, by being apart, it’s not just a continuation of living at home as a child, they have new experiences that are wholly “theirs” in creation and survival, and since your interactions are more sparing, they tend to be richer and sweeter. </p>

<p>I have found college to be tougher to enjoy as a parent because now, as he continues to grow, it’s more apart than together. College is much more bittersweet, for me, because it is clear that he is setting his own path and making his own way (apart from the money). With BS they still need you and count on you to be there for them – even if it’s in a behind-the-scenes role as I suggested for ChoatieMom above (which would be an incomprehensible suggestion for a college student). </p>

<p>You’ll find that, despite the distance, you’re a very relevant part of your child’s life at boarding school. If, for example, self-imposed academic stress becomes an issue, you can play a part in redressing that, except that you’ll have a team of seasoned experts on hand who have tamed the wildest cases of stress imaginable and it won’t be you trying to reinvent the wheel. So, again, in that sense it is somewhat counterintuitive because you may be better equipped than you thought…especially if you’re presently working from the mindset that you’re the one person who can be counted on to help your child navigate the perils and shoals of an intense academic setting. </p>

<p>One of the things that separates an excellent BS from other schools is the team of people who are actively interested in the students’ well-being 24/7, beyond the classroom and athletic fields. Many people think they’re paying for a better shot at Ivies and other outcomes, but you’re actually directly paying for this team of experts who happen to know how to bring out the best in students and help them learn how to overcome myriad obstacles and challenges that works best for them. </p>

<p>I have no sense that such teams exist at college. There are no parent figures in college – while nearly every adult at BS plays that role, assisting you as the Top Dog A-Number 1 Parent for your child. Once a problem, like self-imposed stress (but also anything else you can think of) is identified – you’re not on your own at BS. More likely than not, it will be spotted by them and they’ll be acting on it as they contact you, so – at a BS that’s worth it’s salt – you’ll feel more empowered as a parent and not, as many parents fear, helpless due to the distance.</p>