My situation is insanely complicated. I am currently a sophomore at the university I’ve grown up at, my dad works there and I am so blessed with free tuition. I know, an absolutely HUGE financial privilege that many would kill for. I’ve loved this school as it is my hometown and my childhood. But I’m halfway into my second year here and I am so depressed, it’s unhealthy. I’m doing fine academically, I like my major and am in reasonably good academic standing. I have close friends whom I love dearly. I even tried out the sorority scene but decided against it due to the time commitments and money. I am doing everything I should be doing, yet I don’t even feel like myself or like I’m even here. Another huge component in this equation is that I am in a serious relationship with a guy in the military who is stationed out in California. As I previously said, my situation is really complicated and complex. My family desperately wants me to stay in Ohio and finish school here, and understandably so considering the financial benefits. But I just can’t shake the feeling that I should be off in California going to school (not to mention the best programs for my major are out there) and being closer to my best friend. I’ve lived in the same place my whole life, I just feel trapped and I need help before my head explodes. Advice?
Graduate college without debt, then move to California or wherever your SO happens to be stationed at the time.
Maybe you should apply to some schools to transfer to and you can make your decision later. It’s awesome that you don’t have to pay tuition, and not having future debt will be very helpful. If you’re not happy, transfer, but make sure your decisions aren’t based on your boyfriend. Apply to school’s that really interest you, and don’t restrict yourself to California. Good luck!
My advice for young talented women is to never ever follow a man anywhere. Your studies and career come first. Fish without debt. See where you are at that time with everything else, including relationships, grad school, career.
Stick it out there. If this is the right guy, it will work out. And you will have a debt free education. I assume your parents are reluctant to pay for CA, too.
If the b/f was not in the picture, would you still want to move to CA?
What is your field that has its best programs only in CA?
Would your parents pay for you to attend college in California?
If they’re not supportive, then you can only borrow $7,500 each for junior and senior year. UCs are ~$55K a year and CSUs are ~$38K a year for out of state students with no financial aid available. Private schools are about ~$60K a year, and there’s less opportunities for financial aid as a transfer student.
I sympathize with your feelings, but moving to California does not seem currently possible given your family’s wishes for you to stay.
I’d advise you to speak to a counselor regarding your depression.
How difficult is it to graduate early, even just a semester earlier? I am planning on taking summer classes for the next two summers
Also another question: does anyone have any suggestions for being happier here to stick it out? I’m well aware the most practical answer to my situation is to finish school here but I need to make a change somewhere in my life and I really need to live a healthier lifestyle emotionally and mentally
You’re half way done, stay where you are and graduate as fast as you can. If you move to CA now, you’ll get even more depressed because a military person is not even there half the time. If you feel lonely now you’ll feel twice as lonely after moving away from everything you’ve known your whole life. You actually do have a support system in place right now. In CA it will be gone, and your BF will have to make up the gap, which is a lot of pressure on a relationship too.
I tend to agree, you are probably better off staying put as the last thing you want to do is go into debt. Also, moving will not solve unhappiness and you have your whole life ahead of you to travel! If you have that wanderlust, perhaps spend a summer in CA or move after you graduate, plenty of time for all of that.
My daughter went through some depression and the best thing she ever did was reach out for help. It sounds like you have a good handle on most aspects of your life and maybe you’re just in a funk, not actual depression. Either way, it sounds situational - I highly recommend finding a therapist - talk to your parents about how you are feeling if you feel comfortable doing so or go to counseling services for advice.
My daughter found a therapist that she sees every week or every other week. I will say, it could take one or two tries before you find the person you will “click” with. My daughter (3rd try) found a therapist that is a psychiatrist who specializes in CBT - Cognitive Behavioral Therapy - which basically just means he’s able to help her identify the cause of her anxiety and depression, help identify her “triggers” and give her helpful ways to change her perceptions and the way she thinks while also providing coping skills to deal more effectively with her feelings. It’s made a huge difference in her life.
Diet and exercise can also help significantly! Foods like bread and sugar can make crash and feel down, etc… Protein and vegetables/fruit are good! A good cardio workout is great for the brain! Here’s an article about reasons why exercise can help your mental state: http://www.helpguide.org/articles/exercise-fitness/emotional-benefits-of-exercise.htm
Anyway, wish you the best of luck and don’t give up, reach out to a professional for help because it can really change your life for the better.
“My advice for young talented women is to never ever follow a man anywhere. Your studies and career come first. Fish without debt. See where you are at that time with everything else, including relationships, grad school, career.”
M sentiments exactly @Dustyfeathers
since you’re halfway done, i would suggest graduating debt-free. then you’re in a really good position to move to wherever you wish
-Along with the nutritional advice…are you getting enough B-vitamins in your diet or through supplements? They are critical to your moods (I found out the hard way a few years ago.)
-If you continue to feel a change is necessary (short of going to CA) and your University is public, …is it possible to get 1/2 free tuition at another Ohio state school? There is an agreement like this in my state (my husband is a professor.) Could your parents pay for that?
-Can you do an internship away? Or a semester studying abroad? Doing this would get you out of your bubble, and might illuminate whether you just need to experience yourself in a new place, or whether the CA relationship is that important.
-Summer in CA could be fine. But I agree … Don’t go out on a limb and shortchange your life for a man. True love will wait, and the risks to yourself are great if you go in debt or forego your education.
-Keep in mind it is sometimes harder for transfer students to find their niche socially…not always, (some of that depends on your personality, and the school itself.)
@lb513414 I am going to be in the minority here. I disagree that “true love will wait,” or if it’s meant to be, things will work out, or that a man’s only worth dating if he’s willing to wait. I completely disagree with that. Now, if he is pressuring you to move (and you don’t want to), that’s a different story. I would also consider the situation from his point of view too: maybe he is miserable in his job and wants to quit but has no tangible option/job if he moved to Ohio. At least for you, it’s clear cut - you transfer schools. He could be thinking the same thing: that if you are meant to be with him, you will endure the longterm relationship. However, your current distress may make him concerned that you won’t want to continue a long distance relationship.
Now, that being said. I am not advocating that transferring and following romance is necessarily the right choice. The right choice is only the one that you personally feel is right, you can live with, and will make you happiest. However, you may need to put romance on hold, sacrifice a relationship, or sacrifice some component of your academic / professional career at different points in life. It sucks. (If you dislike this sort of inflexibility, don’t go to medical school, btw).
I personally think the money and financial freedom is hard to give up. However, there is no right or wrong answer here. You should do what’s best for you and what you think is right, while still involving your significant other in the discussion. I disagree with the notion that you would be going out on a limb and shortchanging your life for a man if you decide that transferring is the best decision and will make you happiest.
OP, you state clearly that “I’m so depressed, it’s unhealthy.” Your first step should be to go to the health center at school and get a referral for counseling. You should determine if your mental/emotional state is driving any of your desire to get away. Once that’s addressed, you can begin to assess your life and make the choices that are best for you – not your parents, and not your boyfriend; you!
I know you realize what a gift the tuition remission is for you, so sit down and carefully plot out alternative plans from a fiscal perspective. If you leave your current school, where could you afford to go? How much, if any, would your parents contribute? Can you afford to continue your education when you can only borrow $7500/year for junior and senior years? Would you need to work for a year or two in order to have enough money to finish? Make sure you understand all of the financial repercussions before you make a change.
Good luck!
I get that you are unhappy and miss your bf, but before you do anything rash, here are a few things to consider:
- If he is military, he will probably not have a lot of time to see you, and it is also quite possible that he will get PCS'd before you graduate.
- California is a BIG state. Are the schools that have your desired degree anywhere near him? Anything over 2 or 3 hours away and you might as well stay put because neither of you will be able to visit as often as you think you will.
- Worst case scenario... if you were to move there and he dumped you, would you still be happy to be there? (This should be a question, no matter how solid you think things are).
- Is it possible you are not really understanding the long term value of this free tuition? Do some math. Plan out your expenses in California, and how much you will need to borrow to pay for it. Include tuition AND living expenses. I am guessing you don't have to pay room and board either in Ohio. Multiply by the number of years it will take you to graduate. Now, calculate the monthly payment on that debt (lots of student loan websites can do this). Does this number scare you? Can you afford to live and make these loan payments with the earning potential of your degree?
If the first 3 questions don’t make up your mind, the 4th should. My personal opinion is that transferring would be terribly unwise.
I may repeat what has been said, but here goes… I was miserable at my first college in CT & was determined to get to CA,.so I finished my degree in CT, left my boyfriend, went to U of U in SLC, got a BS, & went to CA and worked, traveled, etc, & ended up back home to meet the love of my life. My daughter discovered her college wasn’t what it promised, she transferred, was miserable, lonely, BUT got an internship there, buckled down & made it work & has a great job. One huge difference: my parents paid for my college, 25 yrs ago, my daughter: scholarships, loans for us and her for years!!! She wants to go out West now but she has the chains of debt that must go with her. Lesson: Obvious that cost is different now & I wish I never let my daughter get in debt. No matter where you go, it may be worse than were you left, or better, it’s what you make of it. Do an internship out there to help you fell better. Most of all, what would you do if you went out there, new college, new dept, and your boyfriend was deployed or left? No one has a crystal ball, be smart, do a pros and cons list, and if you believe, PRAY! Good luck and I wish you the best!
Are there any semester long exchange programs in CA? Sort of a halfway house…