<p>I chose to attend a state school and commute from home. My tuition is paid for by scholarships, thankfully. I still need to work to pay for bills and rent. I work two jobs totaling 20+ hours weekly (the job with more hours is an internship, the other job is a few hours at my family's business). I spend my weekends working Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. I study hard and earn high marks. I am also saving money to maybe study abroad. I will graduate debt free. </p>
<p>My boyfriend attends an out-of-state school and will graduate with ~30k+ in debt. He does not work during the school year and slacks a little in studying. He receives lower marks. He spends his weekends at football games.</p>
<p>I have fairly good friends from college and play on a high-level club team (aka I do have some form of fun in my life), but yet I still feel like I'm putting in waaaaay more work than my boyfriend. We want to get married after we graduate. I guess I just feel a little cheated that I worked my booty off for 4 years in college to at a good internship and graduate with no debt, and he slid his way through college without working during school and graduating with a good amount of debt. I just feel a little bitter because I feel SUPER ready for college to be over because it is so much work while he seems to be loving it.</p>
<p>I'm not going to end my relationship with him over this or anything, but am I totally whack for resenting our different situations this way?</p>
<p>Yes I do think you’re silly for thinking this and overreacting quite a bit. Unless there’s some more reason to why his behavior irks you, I think it’s just something you need to look past or need to confront him about. For example, is it bugging you because he doesn’t seem to be taking school seriously? Or are you just lowkey jealous/envious?</p>
<p>I’d say I would sure take your time before committing in any way long term to this guy. Because then YOU will end up helping pay off this debt that he could have reduced in school. And you might end up with the better job as well if he is doing some slacking academically, and if he continues to slack a bit when he does get a job. Do what you like regarding having him as a boyfriend, but I would think 10 times before I would marry a guy like that. If you feel bitter now, think how you will feel if you marry and have kids, and you are still the one carrying the lions share of the workload in your career (and likely around the house as well).</p>
<p>On second thought, maybe now is a good time to dump him and look around for someone better…</p>
<p>This could be a sign of different values that could impact the relationship in the future. You need to decide if it’s just jealousy or something bigger. Are you willing to take on his debt if you get married?</p>
<p>“Because then YOU will end up helping pay off this debt that he could have reduced in school.”</p>
<p>I guess that is what I’m bitter about, too. I feel he should have reduced his debt. Sort of the mentality…“Well, I made sacrifices to graduate debt free…he should too”</p>
<p>I am studying a low-paying field while he is an engineering major and will ideally be able to pay off debt fairly quickly.</p>
<p>In the end, I think it’s jealousy mixed with fear that this means something more like a slacking work ethic.</p>
<p>are you a freshman? because as you know college does become a learning experience, academics wise and just in life, it usually hopefully takes that first semester to snap people back into a serious mode</p>
<p>I do think it’s a valid thing to consider, if you’re in a position where you’re at the point where you’re considering marriage. Not necessarily taking on his debt (he’s at least going into a higher paying field and will hopefully be in a good position to pay off this debt after graduation), but consider his attitude towards it. If you do everything you can to graduate debt-free but he takes on debt lightly without much forethought, then he very well may have that attitude in your marriage as well. Money is a horrible thing to fight about, but it happens a lot and it’s not silly to consider it. On the the hand, if he has thought carefully about the amount of debt he’s taking on and he (and you) think it’s a reasonable decision in his specific situation, then I’d be less concerned. If he has a poor work ethic, then that might translate to you doing more than your fair share in your lives together. Or it might not, but it’s something you may want to consider.</p>
<p>Either way, I’m always a big fan of open communication. If you find yourself feeling bitter about this, then talk to him about it. It may likely you just being frustrated over how hard your working, when it seems like he isn’t working as hard. But regardless, if you’re in a serious long-term relationship with this guy, hopefully you’re both in a place where you can talk about something like this. Who knows? You may find out that he is working harder than you think he is, but he’s just the type of person that doesn’t really talk about it (he only talks about the football games and the fun, but not necessarily studying for exams or working on problem sets). You may make him feel guilty enough to get a part time job or put a little more effort into his schoolwork. You never know =D but I don’t think necessarily that you’re completely out of line for feeling a little frustrated about the situation.</p>
<p>Yes, it’s jealousy, but I think you’re also starting to realize fundamental differences between you and him. It could be a passing phase or it could drive a wedge between you two- and that’s OK. It’s perfectly fine to realize that you’re two different people who want two completely different things. </p>
<p>I think being jealous of your partner this early on throws up huge red flags. I think you know that but are unwilling to admit to yourself that this relationship might not be what you thought it was. </p>
<p>Talk to him about this. Let him know that you are worried about the fact that he’s going to be coming in to your marriage with all that debt. Ask what his plans are. He might surprise you- you never know. Communication is key though. No need to keep these feelings to yourself if that’s how you feel. You should be able to discuss anything with him- and this is a BIG thing. </p>
<p>Well… it does put a different spin on it that he is majoring in engineering, as it is likely that he will be able to easily pay off his debt within a few years of graduation. I think in the longer run you have to look carefully at how money and career choices make the two of you act within your relationship. If he has more “power” in the relationship because he has the higher-paying career path, and he either lords it over you or you just can’t cope with it, that is something to think about before you make a longer term commitment. If you feel like your career and job will always take a back seat to his because he is the higher earner and that is not comfortable to you, that would be a warning sign as well.</p>
<p>That said, given that you aren’t married now, I see nothing wrong with the facts as you have given them. I don’t think he should be helping you with your debt (and you haven’t said he should). And assuming he gets good grades in a tough but employable major, I actually think it is okay for him to take on some debt. So…right now maybe this is more about you than about him…</p>
<p>I don’t think you would be obligated to take on his debt even if you do get married? I know some older couples where they take care of their own debt separately. </p>
<p>Either way, I think if it’s a mix of jealous and also concern about his work ethic (or lack thereof), then you should consider if and how this would play in the real world when you guys are married. You probably know this, but just stating it in case you dont: don’t ever expect to change your partner or don’t ever expect your partner will change. So if you think this work ethic has always been here, you might want to consider talking to him about it. A bad work ethic translated to the real world could mean struggling to pay bills or you taking on all the work.</p>
<p>When you’re married, you pool resources. Yes, he can still pay off his debt with his income but that means less household income for the two of them.</p>
<p>I wonder if you’re looking to marry the moment you two graduate. Chances are you would live together for a bit - both of you graduated and working - before tying the knot. This would give you the opportunity to see if the above suggestions on value differences are valid in your case. I would not consider marrying shortly after graduating, as entering the real world can really change the dynamics of a college sweetheart scenario.</p>
<p>On the other hand… It sounds like you value hard work, financial responsibility, and a well-balanced life of work and play. He may value taking shortcuts, and may be more short-sighted when it comes to financial security and life planning (based solely on what you’ve described thus far). Part of it might be jealousy, but part of it might be that you have a very different work ethic and find him irresponsible and perhaps unethical, which is not necessarily jealousy. </p>
<p>I would discuss your feelings with him. If you two are serious about marriage then he needs to understand that his financial burden will be yours as well, and if he really wants to commit, the needs of the relationship should surmount his own personal short-term desires. I think you both may be too young to be at that point in the relationship, in which case it’s fine to keep dating - but don’t hang all of your dreams on marriage. Live your lives and see what becomes of it. But at least talk about it and see if you’re both on the same page before making a decision to leave. Like someone else said, he might have a plan he hasn’t shared with you; he might surprise you.</p>
<p>…also, consider that he might not be sharing the whole truth. Maybe he DOES spend a great deal of time studying and his grades still aren’t up to par. So rather than tell you he’s struggling, he’d rather rationalize the grades as him just screwing around. There’s always two sides to a story. You may be right, you may not be. But talking is the only way to clarify.</p>
<p>I am reading this and so many questions pop in to my mind. Like, how badly is he actually slacking off ? Going to a football game / taking a weekend day away from the books is not a crime if he is otherwise studying. And how bad are his grades ? Engineering is a challenging major in which many students don’t receive all stellar grades but still do fine when it comes to getting a job.</p>
<p>You also mention working weekends in your family business. Does his family own a business to work in?</p>
<p>Is his family more affluent than yours ? And how much in student loans is actually involved? Many families have their students take out the subsidized loan amount as a matter of course, and if he is doing that the repayments will be manageable on an engineers salary.</p>
<p>Look out his end of the telescope for a moment. Would you feel he would be justified to criticize you for choosing a degree with poor earning prospects ?</p>
<p>Yes, you are bitter and maybe you are not a perfect match for each other. These are two separate issues. You need to solve each of them separately.</p>
<p>What can you do to make yourself happier? Is it necessary for you to work in the family business? Could you drop the hours there to do work you might feel better about, perhaps more in the internship ? Could you take a semester or two living on campus? Are you happy with your major ? Could you go visit your boyfriend on campus some weekends, to share in the fun ? I think your life is lacking any fun right now, and that is why you are so unhappy.</p>