<p>Hello All, This is my first post and I believe I need some input. My D has her heart set on a highly selective school. Her grades, rank, test scores are in the upper middle for the school, but there is still a chance of rejection. A classmate received an invitation to an honors recruiting weekend and my D did not. She did not expect to be recruited for honors at this school, but was still terribly disappointed. Even though she says it will be ok if it doesn't work out at her 1st choice, I can tell from her response last night she will be heartbroken if she is not accepted at this school. She has a great safety, but it is still not the same. Anyone advice for me to help my daughter if a rejection does occur.</p>
<p>My s had the same situation. Applied to his first choice school EA and did not make it although he had higher stats than many who did get accepted (from reading their stats on this board). I think it may be a location issue - too many students from this part of the country applying. However, he was very upset and disappointed. Nothing I could say made much of a difference. However, getting accepted to another school that he was interested in was the only thing that helped (not a safety school). Did your daughter apply to any other schools that were not safeties?</p>
<p>Realize that about 40% of students don't get into their first choice college. Many others can't go to first choice colleges due to financial and other reasons. Still, research indicates that most students who don't get into their first choice colleges end up being happy with the colleges that they do go to.</p>
<p>I didn't get into my first or second choice of graduate program. I was very disappointed. I absolutely loved the grad school that I did get into, and am very glad that I didn't get into the others. I felt that way by the second month of that grad school.</p>
<p>If she doesn't get into her first choice, let her mourn because she will need to go through that. Don't join her in mourning, though, as if you, too, feel disappointed. More than likely, she'll perk up, and you can both then talk about the advantages of the safety.</p>
<p>Help her realize that she's not alone--others of her classmates are also getting bad news.</p>
<p>At D2's school, the seniors have a "wall of shame" where they bring in their rejection letters and post them on the wall of the senior lounge. </p>
<p>This is tradition that has been going on for the past few years--and a number of parents are absolutely horrified by it and have appealed to the administration to make the students stop. But the kids persist.</p>
<p>My son was deferred and then eventually rejected from his first choice college. He's very happy where he is now - in some ways I actually think it's a better fit than his first choice - though there were things about the first choice I liked better too.</p>
<p>These are the thoughts that have helped me and my daughter:</p>
<p>-There are more applicants filing an ever-increasing number of applications for the same number of slots, more this year than in any prior year.</p>
<p>-Admissions decisions from the applicants point of view are truly random, and not always based on objective measures. Each college has its own agenda, and it seems to change each year. You positively cannot out-think the process.</p>
<p>-NO decision made by a bunch of adults who don't even know her can alter an iota all that your daughter is and has accomplished. </p>
<p>-Most kids seem to like where they eventually enroll; and those who don't, transfer to another school and are fine.</p>
<p>-Not that she has been denied yet, and I'm sure you have done this, but let your daughter know how proud you are of HER, regardless of where she goes to college. </p>
<p>-Help your daughter set a limit to her wallowing. Set aside a given amount of time she needs to grieve, cry, pound a pillow, whatever, then try and move on. </p>
<p>-As I plan to tell my daughter if she is ultimately denied by her first choice college (deferred EA): "They let a good one get away."</p>
<p>My S was deferred EA from what was his first choice college back in Sept.; he was very disappointed at the time (I would have been surprised if he wasn't). But time passes. Since then, things have changed and he has actually put a couple of other choices ahead now should he be accepted. Thank God for "undeclared" majors. He does have an EA acceptance from a top school, so this makes it a bit easier and he would be content if this is his only acceptance. Perhaps he will ultimately choose his Sept 1st choice if accepted, but that is yet to be seen. </p>
<p>This is a very difficult time for students (OK, parents too). As parents, I suggest we offer an open ear; a soft shoulder; and a great big hug.</p>
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At D2's school, the seniors have a "wall of shame" where they bring in their rejection letters and post them on the wall of the senior lounge.
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<p>I think this is a great idea! Bet it's very helpful psychologically.</p>
<p>D plans to have a "Fabulous Rejects Party": a fancy dress up dinner at our house for her gfs. Tenatively this will include a bonfire in our firepit fueled by college spam.</p>
<p>My son was deferred ED from a top school, and disappointment followed, but H and I made it very clear that we were not disappointed in him. It took him a couple of days to get over it and it helped greatly that he received an admission to one of his safeties a few days later. He talked openly about his disappointment to his friends and us, and that helped the healing process. He bounced back beautifully and has done quite well in school and his ECs, following the deferral. He has also focused on other colleges, and has fallen in love with quite a number of them, including a safety that has accepted him. I have also told him how much I admire him that he is willing to take risks by applying to reach colleges and how he has raised his own bar. He has taken the attitude of "I'd rather apply and be rejected than wonder all my life if I did not apply." In case of a rejection hug your D, reassure her that she is not less of a person because of the rejection, and allow her to feel the rejection and to heal.</p>
<p>"NO decision made by a bunch of adults who don't even know her can alter an iota all that your daughter is and has accomplished."</p>
<p>This is so true! Thanks for the reminder that admissions decisions aren't personal. It's an imperfect process.</p>
<p>Bunsen: I love the bonfire idea!</p>
<p>I also can understand why the kids post their rejection letters. It does seem like it would be comforting to know your fellow classmates are in the same boat, and I'll bet there are some letters that are shockers to the kids. It could be a good wake up call to younger students who have yet to draw up a list of schools.</p>
<p>The kids might have a different perspective on that 'wall of shame.' It helps to know that you're not the only one at your school that was surprisingly rejected by colleges and universities that were supposed to be a good match or a slight reach. The <em>we're all in the same boat</em> commiseration probably heals a few wounds, helps them laugh together about it, and helps them to move on in a healthy way.</p>
<p>I agree with suggestions shared in posts #3 & #7 above recommending that parents not show disappointment over the rejection to the first choice school. Often, however, the first choice school is the first choice of the parents and not an independent selection made by the student. Young adults who want to please their parents may adopt the parents first choice school as their own first choice. A rejection from this school followed by parental mourning can give the student a sense of failure & inadequacy which is greatly, but unjustly, magnified in the mind of the child. Children, as well as adults, need parental support and affirmation in times of stress and rejection. One way to create an atmosphere of positive encouragement during a time of rejection is to focus on the opportunities ahead offered by the student's match & safety schools. Create a sense of excitement in future opportunities rather than a sense of failure in the past.</p>
<p>Gosh, I'm so glad that my D's first choice school is my last choice and she already got a likely letter from MY first choice (which ranks very highly on her list of colleges) :D Just kidding. I try to show no emotions about "choices", but controlling my H's remarks is quite hard.</p>
<p>D was rejected from her ED school (and the school was a target school, not a reach, at least on paper.) She was one of very few kids at her very small HS to get that kind of bad news early on. Day 1 she cried. The next day she was sullen and angry. The day after she was sad but had turned the corner and was looking at the other schools on her list and rationalizing that one or two of them might even be better fits (a little denial can be a healthy thing!) Her GC recently told me she was a role model for the other kids, some of whom had a much harder time with subsequent rejection. Unfortunately, D has not heard from any other schools since - the others all have April 1 notifications, so life is still stressful. H and I are pleasantly surprised at and proud of her level of maturity.</p>
<p>S was deferred and then rejected from ED school. It was hard because all of his friends were accepted to their ED schools, including Princeton. When the smoke cleared he was accepted to the school that had been his top choice for a year and half. And he wondered,"What was I thinking?" about the ED school.</p>
<p>It's a painful process, but the kids are really choosing dreams. They don't know the professors or friends they'll find once they matriculate.</p>
<p>OP: Good luck to your D. Hope all is well.</p>
<p>D was deferred EA from her first choice. Through her own investigation, and by my spending hours here on CC, We knew that although hers were top scores and grades, there were bunches of kids like her that were applying, and that it was unlikely that she would get it....the odds were against her. It also helped to go to last year's threads, and look at the stats of the kids who didn't get in. You don't need to be a wet blanket about it, but she's got to prepare herself. In D's case, she chose a "new" 1st choice, and kept telling herself (and everyone else) she wasn't going to get into the other school. She had everything lined up to be ready to accept and the "new" #1, as soon as she heard from THE school. Well, she did not get in, (we chose to say that she wasn't rejected, they just didn't choose her, and it was THEIR mistake....as well as we can save some $$ and she'll try there again for grad school.) I'm sure she was disappointed, but it wasn't the teeth-gnashing sullen scene that it could have been. Instead, she replaced it with immense relief that the whole circus was OVER, and within days had made several friends on facebook, that she talked to all summer....and met as soon as she got to campus. </p>
<p>Good luck to you....I know each kid differs; when D2 (aka Drama Queen) gets to this point, I'm sure she won't be quite as deliberate and calm about the process..</p>
<p>At my son's boarding school the seniors posted their acceptance letters on their doom room doors. Right side up. Rejections are posted upside down. Deferrals are posted sideways.</p>
<p>The guys seemed to enjoy it.</p>
<p>Thank you all so much for your input. There are some fantastic ideas here. D applied to 3 schools. D's safety is OSU with a Maximus/Medalist scholarship followed by BC (RD) that told her she was an incredibly strong candidate with her first choice being ND (RD). I have learned something from each of the posts to help D and family manage this time and be supportive of her if her first choice isn't available to her. Thank you all</p>