<p>What should I say to my daughter if she doesn't get into her first choice school?</p>
<p>I love you and I’m sorry.
It’s not personal.
Let’s review what you like about #2, 3, . . .</p>
<p>It’s their loss.</p>
<p>I did a lot of positive talk about ALL the schools my DD applied to during the entire process. We had a lot of conversations about what a great/different experience each school would be. Didn’t wait until acceptance/rejection letters came. She convinced herself that she had three top choices. She was not happy that she got deferred from one (which was probably #1 , but was also the biggest reach), but she already had gotten into her #4 school (and others below that), which she would have been happy to attend. So she had choices. Then her other top 2 came through. So it was all good and she is a very happy freshman now. I would do whatever I can to make sure she is not so set on one school!</p>
<p>My son got flat out rejected by his EA school. I was in the room when he looked it up online and I will never forget the look on his face. He was hoping for a yes, but fully expecting a deferral. He asked me to read it to verify that he was rejected and then said “well, I am tired so I think I’ll go to bed” (this was a 8pm) We ignored the topic for a couple of days and then he started to talk about his other choices.</p>
<p>The hardest part for him was telling the GC and his friends.</p>
<p>LINYMOM’s approach is a good one. When the time is right, sometime before decision letters are mailed, I’d start a conversation about what’s so terrific about Schools B, C, and D. With my kids, we had frequent conversations about how hard it is to be accepted at schools with acceptance rates lower than 25 percent (and of course some schools have acceptance rates in the mid-single digits!). It’s hard for a 17 y/o to face a big disappointment whether she’s prepared or not, but hardest if the kid has never entertained the possibility of not getting in.</p>
<p>If the worst happens, Kajon’s approach is also a good one. You can say “I’m so sorry. Better days are coming,” and then wait for the kid to be willing to discuss it. Many people need to process disappointment privately before talking about it, even to parents and best friends.</p>
<p>Okay, let’s gather together all the schools that DID accept you and let’s fall in love with one of them.</p>
<p>(Had 2 kids, neither of whom got into their first choice schools…they ended up going to colleges and loved/are loving their college experience. So hang in there.)</p>
<p>Kajon–Your post paints such a picture of hurt for your son, it is hard to read it. I can tell it is seared on your soul.</p>
<p>It is so hard to see our kids get hurt by life. Yes, I know he’ll survive it just fine, and go on to have a great college experience, but it still hard to watch those moments when they get wounded.</p>
<p>I don’t know that we did a lot right, but I feel like we did in this regard.</p>
<p>In the weeks/months leading up to decision time, I really stressed the idea of “blooming where planted.” Ds1 is an easy-going kid who really knew he could be happy lots of places. OP, if your kid isn’t as flexible, then start working her now. Besides, it’s the truth. While we might all think there is one “best” option, the truth is that any number of other places would turn out perfectly fine – and maybe even better. We just don’t know that yet.</p>
<p>Additionally – and this is too late for you but might be helpful for others with younger kids – get a rolling admit under your belt so that there’s already a measure of success in case the bad news comes. In the end, ds was choosing between two schools, and I swear the one he didn’t choose was in the running because it was his first yes. Felt love and loyalty for the place.</p>
<p>If/when the bad news comes, take your cue from your dd. The day the decision was coming in from what had at one time been his sure no. 1, I made him a cake. I told him good news and it’s a celebratory cake; bad news and it’s a drown your sorrows cake. But regardless, without risk there is no reward so it’s a congratulations cake for putting forth so much thought and effort toward the whole process.</p>
<p>FYI, he was WL’d. Somewhat surprised but not horribly disappointed as the bloom had left that rose a bit because of a so-so overnight (thank goodness!). By then, he had nine acceptances in hand, lots of great choices among them. He is so happy now at his current college that I can’t imagine him anywhere else.</p>
<p>I guess the key is to not make this feel like the end of the world, because it most assuredly is not.</p>
<p>YDS - nice post!</p>
<p>The word I see so often here, and cringe every time…is “dream school”. Having a dream school is setting yourself up for disappointment. As a parent, I’m showing my son what schools are a match according to his stats, and although they have differences, they are all very good schools and he will be fine wherever he goes. That’s it.</p>
<p>I was hit by the rejection harder than my S. He applied 12 schools. Got into three so far, deferred by one and rejected by his first choice. It is hard. I saw the disappointment in his eyes.</p>
<p>What I said to him is this: Look, son, life is a tough journey. You will have plenty of successes and some setbacks. Lick the wound and move on. I am sure you will love the schools that loves you.</p>
<p>He seems to be down for a day or two. He is a tough kid, doing OK.</p>
<p>I remember my S’s tears when he was rejected from various schools. We talked about how none of it was his fault and he shouldn’t take it personally - the number of students applying was at historic levels and some of the schools he applied to had more than 20,000 applicants! Lots of hugs from me and his mom. He selected the best school he had gotten into and hasn’t looked back since.</p>
<p>YDS - Bloom where you’re planted is my favorite piece of advice. When we are all so invested in this college application/admission process it can create some incredible expectations for college. Finding that perfect fit does not equate with an easy transition and nothing but happy times. S just got his first acceptance last week to an incredible school that was his safety. I keep telling him that college (like life) is what you make of it. That may mean loving someplace you did not expect OR it may mean transferring from a place you’d thought was perfect. If you’re on CC you most likely have done your due diligence. But I do not believe that there is ONE PERFECT place for my kiddo. Disappointment will come but you are wise to prepare your words before the acceptance/rejection comes and afterwards.</p>
<p>I got a call from college senior D1 who is now applying for jobs. She got rejected by a post-graduate program that is supposed to take quite a few of its applicants.</p>
<p>I felt like I was back in this game with her (and I am with her younger sister, HS senior D2). But it was even clearer in this case that we do not now and will never know how they made their decision, and it’s just not personal. There are just too many variables in this game, and you just have to see what you can get.</p>
<p>The very best piece of admissions advice we got was at the first info session we ever went to with D1: Only apply to schools you want to go to. If you want to go to every school on your list, then you will be happy with any result. </p>
<p>D2 has a few schools where she’ll shoot off fireworks if she gets in - they’re “dreams” only in that it would take a pretty special bit of luck for her to get in, not “dreams” in that she’s fantasizing about being there 24 hours a day.</p>
<p>But she really, really likes every school on her list. And having gotten one really nice early acceptance has definitely made this process way easier on her. Without any prompting from me, she said what so many people on CC say, that she knows she is going to college, and that’s a great feeling, no matter which school it is.</p>
<p>I’ll also mention that a big issue is how public you are with your list and your dreams. It’s very hard on a kid who’s spent months (or years) saying, “I want to go to X school!” (or, worse, “I’m going to go to X school”), and then they have to explain to everyone if they are rejected. My D decided she would tell people in certain circumstances what her first choice is, but in a “I’d like to go there but we’ll just see” kind of way, so it won’t be hard to spread any sad news later.</p>
<p>I would take a look at any way the kid, the family, or the community is setting him/her up for embarrassment on top of disappointment and do some damage control now.</p>
<p>Some people don’t like a lot of words. A simple, “I’m so sorry. I’m here whenever you need me.” would suffice. Other people want a partner to make an action plan: “Let’s talk about the other schools you’ve applied to and how to choose between them. You wouldn’t have applied if there was nothing there for you.” Still others might want to mull over their feelings for awhile, while some might feel better if you dismiss the school as not meant to be and move on right away.</p>
<p>Knowing that a lot in life depends on chance, especially in times when the sheer volume of applicants is so large, may also be of some comfort. You know your child best.</p>
<p>Are you opening the letters or is she?</p>
<p>I vividly remember D getting an email that contained such a surprising and heartbreaking rejection-- the day before she started high school. We’ve talked about it often since then and we always notice how much her life has changed FOR THE BETTER because of it. She suddenly had time she didn’t expect, and was available when another opportunity came along, and so much blossomed out of that one chance! If you can find something like that in the past, to illustrate how much luck has to do with these things, and how, no matter how wonderful college A seems, colleges B and C will likely take him in such fruitful directions… well, it should help. But I’m not looking forward to that part of this journey, I will say!</p>
<p>I’m SO glad I clicked on this thread. We aren’t at that point yet, but there’s lots of good advice here!</p>
<p>Thanks for all the great advice. My daughter has already received acceptances from 4 schools and I know she would be very happy at any of them. Keeping our fingers crossed about the response from her #1 school.</p>
<p>I think it is pointless to dwell on the "what if"s of college admissions, or job hunts, for that matter. Kids need to face the options that they have, not what “could have been.” If they truly don’t want to go to a school that’s in hand, then they can put some energy into a transfer application, or some other plan that is positive.</p>
<p>D1 goes to a school that many people mistakenly refer to as “full of Ivy rejects.” She says it’s not true - that virtually everyone she meets there feels it’s the best place for them, and many of them actually rejected Ivies for this school. She says she has run into a few bitter people who do talk about where they were rejected from, and who act like they’ve “settled.” She says no one is interested in hearing about that, nor in being friends with those people. When you start college, you need it to be where you want to be. </p>
<p>I don’t know how to make someone feel this way - but I am of the camp that says “Cry for a day, and move on.”</p>