Our friends (college professors!) had their smart son flunk out of his smart college. He’s now living with them and attending community college. If I had to diagnose what happened: He went away to college. Found himself in over his head. Was scared to admit that to himself or his parents. Started playing all night video games as a way to not think about his situation (and have something to “blame.”)
Not sure what i would do with this…is there a way to take the pressure off and have a very honest conversation at the same time?
My first thoughts are what is keeping him from focusing on his school work.
A couple things come to mind:
Much harder that his high school and he’s not used to working so hard/doing so poorly and his confidence is shot and he’s kind of giving up.
Too much partying, drinking or weed use. Or possibly something heavier. How many hours is he working and where is that money going?
Too much gaming which can be addictive.
The sad reality is that if he is flunking one or more classes, the school might take the situation out of your hands and deal with it either with probation or expulsion.
Since you are full pay, I don’t see anything wrong with setting expectations and parameters. They do for merit scholarships. In my own case decades ago, I had a bad semester where I wasn’t applying myself and flunked a class. My parents, who knew I was quite capable, told me that going forward I would be paying for any class in which I received less than a B at my private unversity (not as expensive as now but still a lot of money at the time). I never got below a B after that. Maybe your threshold isn’t a B but set one and stand firm. Otherwise, perhaps a break from academics wouldn’t be a bad idea. We all don’t need to follow lockstep with 4 years of undergrad right out of college. Some are late bloomers. Some need a break from the academic grind or a dose of the real world without a college diploma. Nothing wrong with that and it seems a waste to pour thousands of $$ into something that isn’t working right now.
@greenbutton Thank you for those kinds words. I am not really sure if its worried, angry or embarrassed! All I want is for my kids is to have better life then I had while growing up. Going to college (which I did much later after highschool) to get a degree, experience life and have a great future.
As to mental issues, he does have minor depression which we have been dealing with since 11th grade and he is on medication that is monitored by his doctor. The problem is when we try to talk with him he will say the medication is not working for every problem. Now it truly might not be working but you are also not supposed to be drinking and occasionally he does which will hamper the medication. I feel like we cannot get a straight answer out of him. He is not a depressive person that stays in his room or sleeps the day away. He is too busy hanging out and having fun with friend but then he will blame it on depression.
I have supported every decision he has made the good and the bad I am just so confused. Classes end next week and then there are finals. There is nothing I can do for the is year. I guess once I see the grades there will be many calm, supportive discussions going on in this house over the summer
how was your relationship during the last two years of high school?
how badly did he begin slacking off in senior year? if it was a huge dropoff, i am wondering if the senioritis took hold and he never shook it off.
you are trying to raise a responsible and compassionate adult here. he has to realize that it is neither responsible nor compassionate to expect you to pour your hard-earned money to finance his foolishness. and you have a right to protect your assets.
parents always talk about how they will do anything for their children when it comes to paying for college. but it’s a two-way street, and if a child is not pulling his weight, you have every right to stop wasting your money and get to the bottom of it.
i can’t agree with people who say relax, it’s fine, he’ll figure it out. from No.1 his class to two F’s, clearly he is not figuring it out and he cannot expect you to sink money into another year of potential failure. clearly the current situation is not working out.
perhaps commuting to CC and living at home will reconnect him with a familiar environment that allowed him to succeed academically in the past. maybe that is the jumpstart he needs. and if he is dealing with some other serious issues, then he needs to be home where you can look for trouble signs and monitor the situation.
i feel really bad for you but i don’t see the point in financing another year of academic and personal floundering, especially if he is showing no inclination to improve. time to regroup and come up with plan B.
if he’s already on medication for depression, i don’t see how the current situation is helping him. i would think getting him back home and into CC might recalibrate him and get him back on track.
Speaking only from my friend’s experience, I know that medication can be working one day and not at all quite suddenly. It’s also VERY common to “self-medicate” with alcohol or drugs when the “real meds” don’t work. It sounds like there’s a bit of both going on with your son. It’s obvious that where he is isn’t working, so I would take the summer to insist on his getting reevaluated and his meds tweaked as well as setting up a plan for next year. It’s possible that he’s just blaming all his woes on depression, but it’s also possible that even though he is not “laying in bed” he is still more depressed than in the passed. My friend was having a blast on a weekend out of town and very happy, then the following week couldn’t get out of bed. Depression is very hard to regulate well in some cases.
@Wien2NC . My husband at first was taking a back seat. His philosophy is he is a adult and he will have to learn and fail on his own and this is not high school. I kind of think differently from him I guess. I was always there picking him up whenever he was in a jam and always seem to get him out of it. I am not a relaxing kind of mom I feel bad for me too
@sseamom I spent the last week looking for doctors to get him reevaluated to see if that is what is going on. Of course on the insurance half of those doctors are new to practicing and other half has bad reviews. So after a week I found a doctor in his school town that we have an appointment after school is out. I figured it is better to see someone close to his school in case he has to see him during year. Of course he does not take insurance but will do what I have to do. I do agree that I think every time anything goes wrong he blames on depression and he won’t take accountability for it. But well have to see what the doctor says. He has never been a person to lay in bed and be depressed. Always out and about even during high school.
if he wants to keep ponying up the $$$, he is doing the opposite of letting your son learn and fail on his own.
if son invests himself into working and paying for his own school and has something of his own to lose rather than someone else’s money, THEN he will be learning and failing on his own. all he is learning now is he can slack and goof off and it’s all good, because mom and dad are footing the bill.
if he is getting F’s, he’s in a jam now – a jam that’s costing YOU a pretty penny. so i agree you should get those final grades and calmly discuss the next course of action, and i lean heavily towards CC next year if he finishes the year as badly as you are indicating.
Some immediate actions to consider: Have him register for two courses in summer community college and seek a 10-hour/week summer job. I’m assuming his school accepts community college credits – have him make sure the credits will transfer. Have him consult his academic advisors and faculty mentors about digging out of his hole and to strategize which fall courses to take to improve his GPA and completed credits. He could register for his fall courses, and after summer, reassess if he’s demonstrated progress academically to the point where you don’t think he’ll waste tuition next year. He should brace for dismisal from his college if his GPA or earned credits dip too far. That really long post a few posts above was excellent (CC name not on hand).
@Wien2NC Senior year as soon as it started he began slacking off. He did pull out to be number 4 in the class but the grades dropped considerable. Especially after he received his college acceptances. I just thought that once he got accepted to college and he started things would be different. He would be an adult and do the responsible thing of course while having the college experience as well.
I would not Make him register for summer classes. Not unless HE is eager to turn things around. I see a whole lot of nagging and frustration for the entire summer. Just more of the same he is doing now. UNLESS he has a complete change of heart and finds the energy and enthusiasm to buckle down and do summer school well.
I am thinking he needs one week to decompress before heading into some kind of work, even if it is only part time. I would encourage him to connect with friends, but within boundaries that you and your husband set. I would make regular counseling appointments a part of the summer routine, and maybe find some physical labor he could do around your home to help him feel he is contributing to your household.
You can’t fix your son, and you can’t fix this problem. What you can do is to provide support while HE fixes his problem (or problems, plural).
I would start by ASKING him if he’d prefer to see a doctor in his college town, or stick with the doc he’s been working with back him. He needs to own what’s going on with his depression, starting with becoming an active participant in his own care. If the meds aren’t working, it can be a long slog to find a regimen which does work-- so again, your son needs to own this. If he can’t drink while on the meds- that’s on him. If there are other side effects he doesn’t like-- dry mouth, weight gain or what not-- again, he needs to discuss this with his doctor.
Second, I would ask HIM what the plan is moving forward. Academic probation? He needs to make an appointment with a Dean to find out what’s required to get off probation. They recommend that he take a semester off? How is he going to eat/where is he going to sleep/ how is he going to finance a semester away?
Third- you and your husband need to get on the same page. You are both entitled to your own opinion of course- and it’s unrealistic to think that both of you will handle every setback in exactly the same way. But once you’ve agreed that you’re going to allow your son to decide if he’s going back to college, staying home to work, paying you a small sum every week to “cover” his room and board, or some other plan… you need to be a united front.
@blossom. Thanks for the advise. So many things going on in my mind right now. Everyone had great advise so far for me. Will take everything into consideration. Have a daughter that will be a senior next year. Hopefully things will be different. Its funny how your children can be total opposite in everything
If you think there’s any chance that this is depression related, is there any way he could take a medical withdrawal? Or perhaps withdraw from the classes he’s failing in order to relieve some of the stress? A friend’s daughter was allowed to do this at her top private. She wasn’t failing the two classes she dropped, but dropping them allowed her to focus on her other classes and preserve her GPA.
I agree with others that you have to sit down with him and try to figure out WHY he isn’t doing well. And of course the real reason may not be what he tells you. Unless I could get to the bottom of the problem and have a plan in place for him to turn things around, I would not be inclined to send him back to a pricy school on my dime. Perhaps you could also look into whether the school would permit him to take classes at a CC at home for a semester or two and then return if he did well.
I’m not sure whether he’s flunking because he’s struggling or because he’s not trying. If it’s the latter, pull the funding. If it’s the former, you might need to look into tutoring.
This sounds like more than tutoring is needed. Honestly, I would not pay for him to go back next fall at this point. After grades are in figure out his academic standing – he will almost surely be on academic probation. Understand what the options are for taking a leave of absence. Ideally he might go to CC in the fall, then back to his original college if he can “right the ship”. But not all colleges will allow the CC step.
I am just so confused. Classes end next week and then there are finals. There is nothing I can do for the is year. I guess once I see the grades there will be many calm, supportive discussions going on in this house over the summer