<p>@classicalmama, try WhatsApp. It also displays an indication that your msg has been seen, and it’s more direct to access than FB msgs.</p>
<p>I have more success with a more open-ended line of questioning. If I ask questions can be answered with a simple yes, no, or k, they will be. I try to come up questions that can’t be answered this way. It’s hard. </p>
<p>I miss all the down time spent with dc that leads to more natural and spontaneous conversation. The revelations that only surface on long car rides or while hanging out in the kitchen. </p>
<p>I’m beginning to think I should pick up dc for school breaks just to get the 24+ hours in the car together to catch up on everything we’ve missed!</p>
<p>So far this year I’ve had to rely on the one call I’ve received from CK’s advisor to get a bead on what’s happening . He’s talked to ChoatieDad very briefly a couple of times because he’s needed something. I’ve texted a few "thinking of you"s that go into the abyss. We don’t do FaceBook. Guess I’ll just have to wait for Parents Weekend.</p>
<p>Wondering if we should have a “Third Year Parents Support Thread”.</p>
<p>+1 on that, soxmom. We have definitely had the “it doesn’t matter that your grandmother doesn’t truly need to know right now what your schedule will be in 2 months, you still need to send her a response if she asks” discussion.</p>
<p>@Pops2017–long car rides to and from LC have often yielded incredible revelations and openings on topics about curriculum, college & career, social foibles at prep school, etc. Trapping DC in a car for unending hours seems to be the best way to get him to crack: he texts with friends for the first hour or so, then realizes nothing exciting is going on and finally is forced to turn to his old man for entertainment! :)</p>
<p>I am struggling with the “being out of the loop” thing. I knew she wouldn’t be around, but I really thought I would hear a few more details. I have not contacted her advisor as I know she is doing well (based on the very few details I have gotten…made varsity/scored a goal/got a few good grades)… but it is like she is zealously guarding all other information. </p>
<p>I am trying to stay out of it, but I confess I really miss the not knowing some of the small things, not knowing her friends, and not being able to share in some of the joys (or drama… I would even take some drama now LOL)…</p>
<p>I know this is a good thing - she is independent, doing well so far and trying to handle it all on her own. But it gets a bit old when the only texts you get are when she wants something sent to her. </p>
<p>I realize I need to be the adult here, but I really feel like being a baby at the moment. Hopefully, as a wise person once said, “This too shall pass”. Anyway, just venting to the group as I am pretty sure many of you can relate. I feel silly being sad when she is doing so well…</p>
<p>PS I think this might have been easier (from a parent perspective) “back in the day” when I went to school… there were no texts, email, internet or debit cards. Just one single payphone hanging on the wall with a cord too short to sit down while holding it. The expectation was one short phone call (it WAS long distance after all) on a Sunday afternoon. Parents didn’t expect more, because more was not really an option… the knowledge that it is that much easier to stay in touch is feeling more like a curse than blessing at the moment… if that makes any sense.</p>
<p>London:
If it makes you feel any better, this week, 7Daughter received texts from her sister, her mother, and myself…with no replies. So, last night, I took it upon myself to call the minute study hall was over — instead of waiting until our usual Sunday night call window.</p>
<p>Thankfully, she answered, and we were all able to get a few minutes nice chit-chat in. I guess what I’m saying is that, even three years in, we still miss our kid and want to know the details of her day/week. FWIW, I wouldn’t worry about shooting the advisor a note from time to time (but not TOO often) to check in…</p>
<p>I can relate, London. Our first child’s communication was sporadic at first and the adjustment was hard. We did, eventually, establish a schedule - probably more for our sake than hers. But I think fall is just commonly a tough season for us BS parents. It’s always an adjustment when everyone has to figure out what the new normal needs to be. Our younger kid was much more communicative – until this (Junior) year. So we’re adjusting to that too. Our kids are getting a world class education, but there’s no getting around the emotional pricetag. For me, it has gotten easier but never easy. But the end product - happy, poised, smart, engaged kids with great friends and mentors - has been worth it MOST of the time 
And I agree with 7dad that reaching out to faculty is common and accepted as long as it isn’t, say, daily. I have found school personnel ALWAYS welcoming and compassionate at both my kids’ schools. And that contact has calmed me down on occasion. It’s a co-parenting model, not a wait-and-hope one.</p>
<p>@london & SevenDad,</p>
<p>I would hazard to guess that your kids are VERY PROMPT in acknowledging the messages from their friends. Have you considered just suspending their cellphone service? Your head will spin by how fast they’ll contact you to complain that their phones don’t work. </p>
<p>That’s when you say, “Oh, I thought you don’t use your phone at all at school because you don’t respond to my texts, so I cancelled your service…” ;)</p>
<p>Thanks for that - both of you. I think this is really more about me adjusting…and I am working through it! LOL I agree that Fall is BUSY! they keep those kids on the go for sure - probably so they don’t have time to be homesick or get into trouble! Thanks for the advice and sympathy. I very much appreciate knowing I am not alone!</p>
<p>GMTplus: don’t think I haven’t considered doing just that! LOL But, even though I just said drama would be welcome, I am sure that would bring more drama than I wished for! But it IS fun to think about… :-)</p>
<p>GMTplus 7:
I made sure my kid knew I was willing to play that card before he ever left! I told him that since I will be unable to take away the phone, if I see any inappropriate content on FB or Instagram, I can easily shut off his service. Not that I was really worried, but I wanted to let him know I would be watching…</p>
<p>Lack of communication is very tough on parents, and the kids just do not realize it. I had a frank talk with my D about it at parent weekend (did no good) and by Thanksgiving her father and I told her no more spending money without a weekly call. Magic - weekly calls occurred. Not much content, but a voice.</p>
<p>Her wonderful advisor told us that no news is good news; this seems to have been true. We got called pretty quick when she was upset or sick in the ensuing years.</p>
<p>Sure no news is usually good news, the kids are busy, yada, yada…but when my kid only texts me to ask for stuff and sends me one word replies to my texts, after a while it just feels like bad manners. There’s nothing wrong, in my world at least, with asking (okay telling) a kid to communicate better. Maintaining healthy, loving relationships requires a reasonable amount of effort on both ends, and laying down basic, reasonable expectations (okay laws) about contact with home seems to be good training in how to be a good partner down the road. I agree with 2prepmom that kids don’t get how tough the lack of communication can be on us, which is why I’ve found I need to be really concrete about what I need to hear from them to be a happy mama.</p>
<p>I know this seems to fly in the face of my last post about looking for that checkbook on facebook–but in truth, when that repeatedly happened, I was NOT a happy mama…and one of those concrete conversations ensued. :)</p>
<p>Classicalmama: That is exactly how I feel! And I didn’t raise my child like that. I know that teenagers are self-involved, and that they are incredibly busy, but still! We will be having a chat about this at some point. Since this is all so new, I am erring on the side of caution and will probably wait until Christmas vacation… </p>
<p>I also realize that this is kind of “my problem”… I am having to adjust to being on the outside of things. If we lived a smidge closer, I would be able to drive to games etc and could feel more part of things.</p>
<p>I think maybe schools, in their zeal to keep the helicopters at bay, don’t realize how much we parents want to know the little things… like what activities are on offer each week, or that the dance has a theme… silly things really but I, for one, find that knowing the little stuff helps with conversations as we go along… it is hard to fit all the details into a 3 word text or a 2 minute phone call.</p>
<p>I know it will settle down and we will get into a routine… adjustment time is not so fun!</p>
<p>I wholeheartedly agree with the position that we should lean on our kids to hold up their end of the communication effort. However, in my experience, I still feel like I’m missing out on things, even though our DD is reasonably communicative with us. We just don’t get the kind of window into their live that we would get if we were sharing the same space day in and day out. I make myself feel better about this in three ways: 1) it’s our tradeoff for the fabulous experience that DD is getting; 2) when I do get to hear about things it makes it all the sweeter, and I think DD is more willing to share details I might not like because I don’t have much of an opportunity to change things; and 3) while I don’t have the upsides of sharing the same space, I also don’t have the downsides.</p>
<p>Our school gives parents access to the daily Chapel announcements and calendar, as well as the food service menu, which makes me feel a little more informed about daily life.</p>
<p>The lack of insight about daily life is what troubles me about the idea of my younger child going to BS. While I feel confident that DD is doing okay, I would be really uncomfortable with this situation for #2 due to some particular circumstances. It’s definitely an aspect of life that parents need to understand in making the BS decision.</p>
<p>^^^^^ +1, and good luck sorting out for #2</p>
<p>Two things are standing out for from reading comments. One, in the course of a year (say the first), much less over the whole duration (of 4, or 3, or 2), the actual amount of communication and its content is going to change. Whatever the reason, parents can expect that their children will change their own practices in due course. Telling them what you want is great, and even if it doesn’t “happen” right away, don’t assume all is fixed over time. </p>
<p>Second, when we’re talking about siblings, careful thought does have to be given to their differences and the decision to take on BS at all, or even a particular one. Following the same path of #1 for #2 can be awfully appealing (logistically being most obvious), but sometimes is just wrong. CC posters of these past years seem to agree on that, so this is for the newbies, I guess. Quenn, who has something like four kids with BS attendance, has written forcefully on this topic (and how four great schools differ), and those posts are worth searching if applicable to readers. Ops was crystal clear that if the youngest child didn’t show the requisite desire, there would be no BS as there had been for older siblings. Maybe these things are obvious, but I feel worth repeating.</p>
<p>We’ve always asked our kids to try and check in with us at least once a week but communication is not consistent with DS since he’s in a 6 hour different time zone. I do notice that he’s faster to respond to a PM on Facebook vs. emails. He’s not one to chat too much on the phone since there’s always roommates within earshot.
D13, now in college, calls to chat much more than she used to do in BS.</p>
<p>Good point about privacy. My kids don’t like to talk to us on the phone in front of others either–so facebook works better in those situations.</p>
<p>Although I feel a bit like a stalker, I have found that subscribing to the student newspaper (get home delivery as well as online version) helps me feel more a part of the larger school community and have some idea what’s going on. </p>
<p>There is a parent Facebook group, and “talking” to other parents and recent alumni families here on CC and via e-mail helps too.</p>
<p>We also try hard to make and keep contacts with the advisor and some friendly faculty, and try to see them to say hello during family weekends and drop-off times.</p>
<p>Even though we live 13 hours away from the school, admission events and outreach courses occasionally come through our area, and we welcome any contact from the school and offer to help with those events. </p>
<p>It gets easier to feel connected to the school as both our family and our student settle into the school routine, but each year seems to bring new challenges too.</p>