1st Year Parents' Support Thread

<p>Erlanger, you are not alone. Your story sounds a lot like ours. It’s nice to know. Thanks for posting.</p>

<p>@winker: I think what our daughter finds the most challenging in terms of scheduling is the relatively late (compared to life at home) bedtime routine. I think dorm check in time for freshman at school is 10 pm, by which time her younger sister (and herself, not so long ago) has already been in bed for at least an hour most school nights.</p>

<p>re: erlanger’s observation, sometimes the speed bumps seem equally cliched…but here goes. Saw Pelicanchild at away athletics event on Saturday. He seemed tired, and a little subdued. Happy that I was there (or so he texted before and after), but as I was the only team parent, a little embarrassed, too, I think. He told me he got his first bad test grade in a subject he usually excels at. I think he’s okay but now that it’s 3 weeks in, some of the initial exuberance over the independence from family is wearing off, and the reality of the expectations of juggling sports, academics, high school social life, and living in a group setting is taking its toll. We talked on the phone last night and he was having a hard time hearing us because someone in the next room over was blasting music (this about a half hour before the start of study hall). He has required study halls at night, required study halls during free periods of the day, and a coach who feels the team is underconditioned and runs them A LOT every single day. This is harder than he’s ever had to work before.</p>

<p>So as a parent, if feels a bit like a gamble. On the one hand, I see a fundamental self confidence and determination emerging; confronted with challenge, he wants to rise and meet it, and succeed. I’m just also aware that the teen psyche can be delicate, and if totally overwhelmed, can veer into major problems in rapid progression. The two things I feel like we have going for us are that 1) he’s generally willing to communicate, even if it takes a little bit of joking and cajoling on our part to get him to loosen up enough to really show how he’ feeling, and 2) the “eyes on” inside the dormitory and the classroom seem good. They are quite aware of his academic status, social integration, and what’s happening with the sports team, and though we seem to be settling into a “weekend report” rhythm, what gets reported back to us mirrors pretty closely what we’re hearing from the horse’s mouth. STILL glad we get to see him–at the school–a couple more times between now and his first return home at Thanksgiving.</p>

<p>erlanger and Jaharrison, I wonder if you or other parents who are in similar dilemma have contacted the school administration and/or trustees to express your concerns and suggest of improvements. It sounds to me like reasonable thing to do. Apparently, it is not easy - for one reason or another - to pull the child out of BS once they start it, so your actions may make their life easier even in small ways for the rest of their years at BS. And, in the long run, it may hep future students so they have a better experience. Then of course, coming on here and forwarning prospective students and families of the possible bad situations is helpful too. I hope prospective parents/students really listen as many of them believe that “sink” is just for others but I will swim…</p>

<p>I think that there are things inherent to boarding school (and thus independent of school policy) that are difficult for many kids:

  1. Being away from home and family. My dauter misses the chitchat with siblings, the goofing around, the familiar home cooked favorites. There’s no Skyping or texting or phone chat that makes up for all the little interactions when you are living under the same roof.
  2. Being away from friends who have known you for more than a few days, weeks, months.
  3. The entire traditional social life in one’s home town/city: parties in homes, getting together with groups of friends with a bit more privacy, being involved with peers who go to different schools through church youth groups, town teams, outside interests.
  4. Having to be responsible for oneself all the time, for all things. No mom calling into the room, “Have any whites? I’m starting a load now” or “Can I bring you some tea?”
  5. Having to share a room with a virtual stranger who you may think is great at first, but who may drive you crazy then crazier as time goes on, poisoning what should be your place of refuge. Or, maybe a roommate who is compatible, but still missing the privacy of a quiet space in one’s own home. </p>

<p>I am with Erlanger and Jaharrison, in that there were times during my daughter’ first year in particular when school, as she put it, just wasn’t fun. Yet by spring she was finding a grove and some real friends, and things improved as the years went on with a lovely roommate, activities that she puts her heart and soul into, deep engagement with some of her classes and teachers. I’ve been a little envious reading about some other kids who fell in love with their schools right away and had close friends in the first few days, but that just isn’t her personality.</p>

<p>I expect the initial difficulty in the transition period and realize it could take as long as a year or even two - it is such a drastic change after all and perhaps more so in a “hard” school for kids who are used to being the best in everything or being “good” kids with a clearly planned out path ahead before coming to the school. However, what comes more often than not in erlanger’s posts is the complaint about the “swim or sink” approach her DC’s school takes, making me believe that there’s something they can do - in addition to venting on CC - to make the life in that particular school better for the current and future students.</p>

<p>I know it sounds somewhat overdone but kids are so different. At an early age, 5 in our case, I found that my d doest so much better with boundaries and rules and regulations.</p>

<p>She has mentioned that she is so busy, junior year. So much reading and having to make the decision to not tryout for cheerleading, last year it was top of her list for the fall. But she just didnt have the time and made the decsion to not go to tryouts. Lots of decisions to make that most of us not-bs students didnt make until college.</p>

<p>As a college instructor, I see why bs students do so much better in college. The decision making ability, time mangement skills and self-reflection are all abilities that I seemy students my classroom dont have, even with some of my students that have degrees. </p>

<p>My d sat through my class this summer and found such a sense of inmaturity and lack of focus in the typical student. She complained of the “whinniness” and lack of desire to “tackle” the task at hand. </p>

<p>Overall, I see bs as real tough! But I take stock in the history and track record of the bs and trust that I have in my child. I beleive that the schools are 95% right in the students they select and know what they are doing.</p>

<p>@D’Andrew-I’m not really sure that I’d suggest anything in particular to make things better. D has just taken a while to come into her own. The whole thing has been a learning experience for all of us. You can’t make your child be something that he/she is not. As she matures, I definitely see greater independence, greater ability to deal with things appropriately, etc. She IS learning both from her mistakes and her successes. And she never seriously entertained returning to public school. She does not regret her decision.</p>

<p>She goes to one of the ‘mini-colleges’. There is support system there, for sure. It’s just a matter of tapping into it when necessary. She has not been one to advocate for herself. That is something that she is learning to do…finally!!! I think that she had a crisis in confidence for a while too. After being tippy-top at old school, being average no matter how hard she tries is a hard pill to swallow. It’s hard to keep perspective when you are surrounded by extremely able and talented people. </p>

<p>From the Andover Song… “Each Phillipian transforms in a manor inexplicable. For those unwilling to do so, are frankly inadmissable. Their whole life they might have been top of their classes, believing their whole life they’re better than the masses. Most … arrive at school almighty and high, but they’ve had a bite of the truth, a piece of blueberry humble pie.” </p>

<p>I’ve been pleased with her transformation. It’s just not been as instantaneous as it sometimes sounds on this board. Being a student at one of these schools isn’t a walk in the park. But it is worth it. At least it has been for my d.</p>

<p>JAHarrison has hit upon (Very well, I might add from my standpoint) some of the family dynamics and individual issues that make transition tough, and this can vary from student to student. However, I felt pretty strongly that there were things the school could and should do to help kids (Mainly make sure there are adults who do more than enforce rules), most of which revolve around recognizing that these are not mini-adults yet and need support from time to time. Let me say, however, we DID meet with the Head of school and with parent relations representative and that did not go well–it was a very tough learned lesson for us, because as others have said on this site, these BSs really don’t want parental involvement. We were/are viewed as meddling and complaining parents, even as we tried to be constructive. It was not well received to say the least, so my advice for parents is select the school that works for you and your kids’ styles, but don’t expect the school to change or adapt to different needs.</p>

<p>We have never gone up the chain. D’s issues didn’t really warrant it and her advisor and house counselors have been very responsive, thankfully. But we have occasionally overreacted to a frantic call or two. Darling D will unload how awful life is, send us into a tizzy and then be fine two hours later. I do try to be careful not to be the ‘helicopter’ parent. That way if a real issue does need addressing, they’ll hopefully take me a little more seriously. She did have a rough year last year and has learned from it. She’s much more proactive this year, I’m happy to say. And yes, the school isn’t going to bend over backward to please you or your kid. Your kid has to fit within the school culture, not the other way around. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing…if it works.</p>

<p>I think we shouldn’t lose sight though that public schools aren’t that much different. I don’t see our local public middle or high school wanting parents to “complain or meddle,” either and they too don’t bend over backward to please kids or families. Maybe public high schools and BSs are more alike than different? With boarding schools, however, there may be different expectations put upon them by families.</p>

<p>As lame as this may sound, it is all about growing up and the unending lessons in life. I’ve seen and learned a lot from knee jerk reactions in going up the chain. Only once have I seen a Headmaster reluctantly acquiesce and he shouldn’t have but he did and he was right and the parents were wrong and their son was at the receiving end. It wasn’t a big deal in the very end but the parents made it a big deal at the time. That had to do with colleges. The most off the wall parent interaction had to do with a team sport placement in a Sophomore year no less. There was no Junior year.</p>

<p>Depending on the seriousness of the drama, we are dealing with teenagers who when they fall, with a little bit of encouragement, they can get right back up on their own, if you let them.</p>

<p>Ultimately, what doesn’t break you makes you stronger. And that is very much a gamble. But BS provides huge opportunities for growth and development, in tandem with failures and consequences, as well as successes and good-decision-making and patience.</p>

<p>A few observations (D2 is a senior at BS while D1 went to a local HS, I went to BS, all my brothers and father and most cousins and uncles went to BS, and to many different BS):

  1. A BS student has an opportunity to become an engaged member of a mini-village type of community in much more depth than at a day HS. This is an incredible opportunity, not understood well by outsiders.
  2. The rules and procedures and codes at a given BS are across the board the same, and clear, and hopefully enforced with a modicum of consistency. Not so for regular HS kids, which can be very confusing and distracting for teens.
  3. Peer relationships are enormously important at BS, more so than at regular HS. This can be good or bad, depending on the student.
  4. A good advisory system is CRUCIAL at BS. And a good individual advisor who fits well with the student is also key. These things can make or break the experience. It is very helpful when an advisor is responsive to the parents, up to a reasonable point, of course.
  5. Communication and support and involvement by the parents directly with the child at BS is important. Our experience is that this correlates directly with a good experience at BS. We like to think of it this way: by being at BS, we parents are relegated to the consultant role, period, but we need to make as much of that role as we possibly can. And there is no way for us to become helicopter parents (smile).</p>

<p>Good luck to all with newbs. It is an adventure. Nothing is ever a straight line, not anywhere. And BS is not for every student or for every family.</p>

<p>My older D tried one year (10th) at BS, and is back home this year. It did not work for her. She missed home, did not get into the academic groove, fell behind, and by January we were seriously considering bringing her home. We had visited from halfway across the country, met with advisers, the academic dean and counselors. Spring started out better, she was happier and making friends, but she got into trouble at a party with alcohol along with a group of other kids, and had to go before the discipline committee. The school was rocked by a terrible tragedy in May. By June when she came home she was so frazzled we were not surprised to hear she was “not invited to return” along with several of her group of friends. Thankfully she is back at her good local public school and is also back on the high honor roll and enthusiastic about her activities. But we are left with a lingering sense of sadness and defeat, as well as a very difficult explanation on college apps. Sometimes it just does not work out, and it is very difficult to manage when you cannot be there in person to get a first hand sense of what is happening. So it was with trepidation as well as hope that younger D insisted on trying her own shot at BS…so far, so good. I think it helped for her to see the very real challenges her sister faced.</p>

<p>@2prepMom: I think you and your daughter should be commended for taking a risk. No risk, no gain. And it sounds like a lot of life lessons were learned. I think that makes for some interesting reading on college essays :)</p>

<p>@ 2prepMom, it’s history and the only ones who are going to remember any of it down the road will be M&D and her. It’s not like the colleges haven’t seen any of this before. I think you’ll be surprised at how many college admission people will brush the episode aside and be more interest in the moment and the future. Good luck.</p>

<p>I agree with RBGG…use that experience in a college essay to show how she learned, grew, and changed, and the whole thing may help more than it hurt.</p>

<p>2PrepMom,</p>

<p>From a college interview perspective - colleges aren’t looking for “perfect” kids. They are looking for students who are proactive, take control of their lives, and learn from their mistakes. Don’t worry about it. She’ll be fine.</p>

<p>As for defeat? Boarding school is not a panacea for everyone. This was not a failure - just an interesting side trip on the long journey ahead. If your daughter is happy and thriving, then life worked out the way it as supposed to.</p>

<p>Thanks redbluegoldgreen, ops, classicalmama, ExieMITalum. The suggestion to focus on the growth and experience part of this, for college apps and beyond, will be very helpful for D. You “guys” are great, we appreciate the support !</p>

<p>Bumping thread to see how things went for 1st year families with kids at schools where Fall Break has already happened.</p>

<p>In our case, I think it was good for all parties. SevenDaughter seemed happy to be home for a bit, caught up on sleep and laundry, went shopping with her Mom for cooler-weather wardrobe augmentation, pal’d around with her little sister, and had dinners with both sets of grandparents.</p>

<p>She was relatively receptive to fielding the inevitable parental/grandparental barrage of questions. Seems to be enjoying school, and reports that it is very challenging. I say this last part to combat the notion that only the “top tier” schools can offer a “real” challenge to high-performing students. I think any of the schools mentioned with any frequency here can dial it up enough to accommodate 99.5% of kids.</p>

<p>To my eye, she looked a bit lean (or maybe just taller?), despite claiming to eat all of the snacks we have sent down. I’ll chalk it up to the more intense sports practices (compared to middle school).</p>

<p>From my POV, the days went by too quickly, despite me taking Monday off to spend with the family. Honestly, I think I planned too many activities in the little time we had, and will not do that again. </p>

<p>And I’m once again I was reminded of the benefits of being relatively close to her school…my wife dropped her off today after picking up her younger sister from our local day school at 3pm and they should be home by 9:30.</p>