I am trying to get involved in my daughters college research. I seem to just get on her nerves when asking questions. She is very active and AP student. How do I start without pushing her away? What should I be doing as a parent? What questions do I ask her?
Your first responsibility doesn’t involve her. It involves figuring out your family finances. What can you afford? What can she expect in terms of financial aid (if anything)? Are any schools out of the question unless she gets a merit scholarship?
Since she’s a junior, you should also be making sure that she signs up for the PSAT this fall.
Beyond that, you don’t have to rush things if she’s reluctant to start too early. But as junior year goes on, you may want to raise the issues of (1) taking the SAT or ACT as a junior so that she has time to take it over as a senior if she is disappointed with her first-try scores, (2) finding out whether she wants to visit colleges during Spring Break or other convenient times during the year (you could put this in terms of you or your spouse needing to request the necessary time off from work), (3) figuring out whether it would be a good idea for her to take SAT Subject Tests at the end of this year (this is a really good question because it involves figuring out, to some extent, what sort of colleges interest her, as well as understanding how her high school curriculum meshes with the Subject Test content).
In addition to what Marian mentions, I would do an “intellectual” asset map. What are your daughter’s strengths (academic, social, etc.), what are her talents (math, writing, art, etc.), what are her committed interests (as revealed by her EC’s and how she spends her spare time).
This is something that’s very specific to each child. But it can help you to begin sorting information about prospective colleges. You don’t have to actively engage your daughter in this now. No doubt she has plenty of other things on her plate. But you need to have a realistic view of prospective college options.
+1 on this.
I think it is fair to say that you want to sit down with her to discuss her college list. It is important that you let your D know any restrictions you have (ex. financial, geographic, anything else) before she starts to apply. And you want to be sure her list is reasonable and includes reach, match, and safety schools and that she is on top of all the deadlines. Your D can lead the way but if you will be paying for college it is reasonable that you be kept in the loop.
So you are at the beginning of Junior year.
I agree that you should first figure out finances. That will help you narrow down options. How much can you pay per year? Do you have other children that will go to college?
Start planning on when she can take the SAT/ACT. I would say to do it early in 2018. Make sure it does not interfere with any ECs. Figure out what type of SAT studying she may want to do.
I had my DD attend a local college fair, mostly just to get her head in the college game.
During fall break, I took my daughter to two schools for a visit. It was just to get an idea for her likes. I chose a medium school that was what I thought a good fit financially, academically and geographically and also our State Flagship. She hated the State U so we concentrated on schools like the first one.
I had them think about what they want in a college…Number of Students, Geographical distance from us, urban/rural/suburban.
For my eldest DD, I said “Make a list of schools to visit” and she did. For my youngest, she asked me if I would help her put together a list.
In Jan or so she took the SAT and again in May or so.
For spring break we visited most of the colleges. I had added a parent’s choice school for the eldest that met her criteria (and was an excellent value). For the youngest we visited the schools on the list we made.
Over the summer, after learning from the eldest, I had the youngest work on her essay.
The eldest applied EA/RD and was accepted to like 7-8 colleges. She took finances into account (but not the cheapest) and ended up at my parent pick.
The youngest applied ED to the medium school I had picked for her because she kept comparing everything to it.
I am from that camp that believes the college search is something the student should do most of the work by themselves, and that parents should be there to guide/advise when requested. It is tough to back off sometimes, but worthwhile.
If you can talk to your D as an adult, and tell her that if she wants your help paying for college, you will have a few reasonable conditions. If she wants to visit any schools, ask her to get a list together by ______.
She should have her prelim list of schools she wants to apply to by _______.
She should have her common app essay done by _____. Tell her you don’t have to read it, unless she wants you to. This will show her that you want to respect that this is all about HER, and not you.
She should get her teacher rec letters lined up by _____.
If she needs to have a meeting with her HS GC, and if you need to be brought in (some schools require this), she should give you _____ days/weeks notice.
If she needs to take SAT or ACT, she should plan to take them at _, then maybe a second time at ___. You can help get her review books for these tests.
All parents understand that teenagers can be a challenge at times. When a parent tries extra hard to tell the student respectfully that the parent understands the process is very different from when we went to school and applied to college, and that we want to help, but want the student to get the most out of the experience, the good students usually respond well. Reassuring the student that “hey, I understand that this is complicated, much moreso than when I went to college, so I don’t want to give you the wrong information and I will be patient with you if you agree to be patient with me” can help the student understand a little of our perspective, you won’t push her away.
Let her help pick the deadlines - and then tell her you will be flexible with the ones you can be, especially as she has a full schedule and tough classes.
Absolutely agree on the finances. Do you have any questions about EFCs, FAFSA, Profile, etc?
By the end of junior year, the student should have basic test scores. Do some practice tests to see if she is better at the ACT or SAT. Try to get your target score in one by the end of the school year. There is one more shot in the August and fall of senior year to retake tests, but it’s nice if you can focus on writing applications as a senior rather than retesting.
The other thing is to build an initial college list by the end of summer before senior year. So visit your local universities, and see how your child feels about small versus large or rural versus urban, etc. These don’t have to be schools she is actually applying to, just ones that are easy to get to so she can get a feel for preferences. If there are local college fairs, try to make the time to go.
Choosing a major helps with the college list as well. If your daughter is unsure, consider doing some interest surveys or discussing her favorite classes and interests.
But again, you have all of junior year to accomplish these things. Don’t panic.
What @3puppies describes is an ideal, and it’s a very educational experience if it works.
But for some kids, it won’t work. They may need the parent to take more of a leading role because they’re overwhelmed with academic work and ECs or because part of their mind is resisting the idea of leaving home to go to college, so they avoid thinking about it as much as possible. In both cases, though, if you leave it up to the student (and therefore the student doesn’t meet deadlines and ends up at the local community college), the student will be bitterly disappointed.
The whole process can be very tricky.
One thing I think parents need to remember is that the student hasn’t done this before. In fact, the student’s previous experiences are likely to lead to misconceptions. All of the student’s previous transitions from one level of education to another (say, middle school to high school) have happened almost automatically, with almost no effort on the student’s or family’s part. Unless someone tells the student that the transition to college is different and explains all the ways in which it is different and the steps involved in the process, the student may not appreciate the differences until it’s too late. They aren’t born knowing this stuff.
Another difference in the transition from high school to college versus other school transitions is that the student typically has to face cost constraints now, where s/he did not before (the parents may have, in situations where paying private school tuition or buying/renting a house in a desired public school zone had household finance implications).
This makes it all the more important for the parents to know their household finances up front and communicate the cost constraints to the student before the application list is made. There are too many sad stories in April (from both parents and students) where cost turns dream (or other) school admissions into financial rejections because cost was not considered from the beginning.
+1 on the finances, that is SO key. You can do that research yourself, without her, as to what financial aid you might qualify for, and what you can afford.
She might want to try the SAT near the time of the PSAT so a little prep for both can be done at once. My kids didn’t do major prep but they did familiarize themselves with the format and some basic tricks/tips. One go at the ACT can help too, in case she scores much higher on that, some kids do. As a bonus, if the ACT goes well, for 99.9% of schools she can skip the SAT Subject tests and just the ACT with writing instead.
Her high school may do college night type things - she/you/whatever is appropriate should go.
We tacked on a college visit or 2 to trips taken for other reasons. Also hit up a couple of local schools on school days off. It helped my kids focus on what they liked and didn’t, got them thinking and aspiring.
An eye to scheduling can help too - if selective schools are the target, she may need 4 years of foreign language, for instance.
@Marian raises a good point, as what works best for one child may not work well at all for another kid.
By the time a kid reaches junior year in HS, the parents should have some idea as to what works for them, how to motivate them, etc. But a lot of parents are not ready to think about letting go, and they haven’t considered the thought that their kid may be able to take on some of this responsibility.
OP did not provide a lot of detail, but she mentioned her D is a very active and AP student. I projected on that comment to presume OP’s D handles challenges well, and that she may be more ready to take on some of this responsibility than OP might be willing to consider.
This morning I ran into a friend of ours who just sent her only child, her D, off to college. Since she was a couple years behind my pups, we had talked from time to time over the years, and she had asked me how I handled the search process, etc. I remember at the time listening to advice from my H’s older siblings about our nieces and nephews - our job as parents is to make sure we prepare them to make good decisions, but they have to make them themselves. Sometimes we have to be the parent, but they will get to the point where they may look to us as counsel instead. Another in-law told me to enjoy the college search experience - and pointed out that taking a day off for a college visit can be about the very best way to spend a day - it sure beats working, it’s all about hope and wonder and other good thoughts.
Since OP wanted to avoid coming off as too pushy, I was perhaps projecting that her busy D believes she is ready to handle this responsibility, the way that a lot of kids do. If so, then treating her D with more respect and patience might be a step in the right direction.
when do high school students actually apply to schools. What is EFC’s profile mentioned? What is EC?
My D is an over achiever so to speak. She has always done well in school and I have never really had to help her with home work. Sort of felt I was not needed…lol . She is an only child gifted, AP classes, involved in many things and seems to be holding her own. I do not want to end up missing the boat due to her heavy load. I keep telling her she will need to get a HUGE scholarship for her dream school BAYLOR. We visited Baylor and TCU within the past 6 months.
She already has an idea for a major. She keeps wanting to go out of state and she is picking Christian based on their curriculum.
What is EA and RD. My d has taken ACT and has done well so far. I think as for as financial we will be depending on Merit and aid/loans
EFC = expected family contribution, it is a base number for your financial aid eligibility
Google “college board EFC estimator” and run it
Your EFC is not what your family pays at a particular school. That is called your net price
Schools are required to offer net price calculators. Here is Baylor:
https://www.baylor.edu/estimator/index.php
Here is TCU
https://financialaid.tcu.edu/texas-christian-university-net-price-calculator/
EC = extra curricular, the nonacademic parts of a college application such as clubs, sports, and community service
High school students apply to colleges in fall of senior year.
EFC = expected family contribution. The government determines an EFC from information provided on the FAFSA form; this FAFSA EFC is used to determine Pell grant eligibility. Each college may determine its own EFC from FAFSA and sometimes additional forms like the CSS Profile or a college’s own form. The college’s own EFC for you is used for financial aid grants that the college may give you. Use each college’s net price calculator on its web site to see an estimate.
EC = extracurricular.
Note that Baylor and TCU are of different denominations (Baptist and Disciples of Christ respectively).
RD is regular decision. This means that the student applies to the college by its regular application deadline and finds out the college’s decision at the usual time.
EA is early action. This is offered by some colleges. The student applies earlier and gets a decision earlier but typically doesn’t have to make a commitment about which college to attend early. Students may like EA because they get their decision earlier.
There’s something else called ED or early decision, offered by some colleges. In this case, the student applies earlier and gets a decision earlier but MUST attend that school unless it’s financially impossible. ED is a binding commitment. Why would anyone agree to such a thing? The usual reason is that it may be easier to get admitted to the school ED than it would be RD. Kids do it to try to improve their chances of admission to this one school.
There are other possibilities such as SCEA (single-choice early action), rolling admissions, and priority application deadlines (when the student must apply by a certain date to be considered for financial aid or other goodies).
There’s an awful lot of jargon, isn’t there? Perhaps one of the most helpful things a parent can do during junior year is to read about college admissions and become familiar with the specialized terms. This way, the parent is more ready to talk about college with the student, the guidance counselor, and others.
RE: Letting the kids take the lead…remember these are 17 year olds with limited life experiences. Remember when you had to first buy a house? You went through the whole process and said “Wow there is so much to learn!” Picking a college is like that …quite a bunch of info to learn about while studying and doing ECs.
Also much like homework which they mostly do on their own, a “have you done your homework” nudge is helpful. So to is helping with the college search…you have to find the line between “do it on your own” and “here is the college you are going to.”
My D is young because of her birthday and if I left all this up to her she’d still be trading Pokemon cards. Don’t wait until senior year to start pushing your kid if s/he has not shown the initiative to start. There are many things that can be done in junior year – PSAT, obviously, but also SAT/ACT prep, fine-tuning extra-curriculars, taking advanced courses if warranted, talking to GC about colleges that others from the HS have been accepted at, visiting colleges, etc etc etc. These things have a way of creeping up on you and deadlines come fast & furious in senior year. My older stepkids had no real direction from their parents and floundered; one isn’t in college at all after dropping out of a CC and the other is in her sixth year at her third school.