I am from that camp that believes the college search is something the student should do most of the work by themselves, and that parents should be there to guide/advise when requested. It is tough to back off sometimes, but worthwhile.
If you can talk to your D as an adult, and tell her that if she wants your help paying for college, you will have a few reasonable conditions. If she wants to visit any schools, ask her to get a list together by ______.
She should have her prelim list of schools she wants to apply to by _______.
She should have her common app essay done by _____. Tell her you don’t have to read it, unless she wants you to. This will show her that you want to respect that this is all about HER, and not you.
She should get her teacher rec letters lined up by _____.
If she needs to have a meeting with her HS GC, and if you need to be brought in (some schools require this), she should give you _____ days/weeks notice.
If she needs to take SAT or ACT, she should plan to take them at _, then maybe a second time at ___. You can help get her review books for these tests.
All parents understand that teenagers can be a challenge at times. When a parent tries extra hard to tell the student respectfully that the parent understands the process is very different from when we went to school and applied to college, and that we want to help, but want the student to get the most out of the experience, the good students usually respond well. Reassuring the student that “hey, I understand that this is complicated, much moreso than when I went to college, so I don’t want to give you the wrong information and I will be patient with you if you agree to be patient with me” can help the student understand a little of our perspective, you won’t push her away.
Let her help pick the deadlines - and then tell her you will be flexible with the ones you can be, especially as she has a full schedule and tough classes.