a comforting message

Parent Cafe
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<p>To all you seniors and parents who are out there in cyberspace freaking out....</p>

<p>Way back in the dark ages.... lots of us applied to one or two schools. Sometimes we visited (if Greyhound went there and it was cheap) and sometimes we didn't. There were no VCR's so we hadn't seen the tours to compare one gothic campus to the other, and there was no internet so we didn't get to bug Adcom's constantly to show how interested we were in their school. Sushi and Latte's were not served in the dining halls of US schools, so we didn't get to agonize over which place had the highest "quality of life", nor did we know what that meant.</p>

<p>Guess what? Lots of us are happy, successful grown-ups with college degrees and MD's and PhD's and are partners at law firms and do bio-tech research even though there was no such thing as bio-tech back then. We file patents, we write books and articles which get published, we do meaningful volunteer work, we pay taxes, we had kids, some of us earn a lot of money and some of us don't.</p>

<p>IT REALLY DOESN"T MATTER. The path you take in life has so much to do with who you are, and so little to do with where you go to college. I am saddened by some of the posts of the last few days where people bash each other for poor parenting for opening their kids mail, not opening their mail, gloating at school over an acceptance vs. those who lick their wounds privately. A few kids seem to be spinning out of control, wondering if they've got time for X more applications, and oh by the way, does it snow a lot in Hanover NH (answer is Yes.)</p>

<p>Take Cangel's advice and go... right now... to the nearest Baskin Robbins, order up a double cone of something high fat, and chill out. I have conducted a private poll of friends, neighbors, my kids classmates, and others and have determined that there is zero correlation between getting into your ED school and your future happiness. Sometimes the Gods are sparing you from a painful experience by denying you something you think you want...only to discover later on that it would have been bad bad bad for you. All you kids out there who think they're Premed and are agonizing over your undergrad choice in order to maximize your med school chances... guess what-- more than half of you are going to get a C in Organic Chemistry and will decide you don't want medicine as a career. You future politicians and law school grads will fall into an anthropology class or an ethnomusicology elective which will change your life. There is an element of serendipity to life, and all the "what are my chances" threads in the world won't change that. </p>

<p>It doesn't really matter. Go sign a petition to stop the genocide in Darfur and do something productive for someone else today.</p>

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<p>Yeah, it is funny. I remember when one of the counselors tracked me down in the hall and told me I should apply for a scholarship at a particular school. Until then I didn't know what they did and he never did do anything related to college for me. One paper app, one acceptance, no questions asked. Life was simpler then.</p>

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<p>Life was simpler then ... except that you had to walk five miles to school with bad shoes, most often facing storms and blizzards. Not to mention that it was uphill ... both ways. :)</p>

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<p>Thanks bloosom for bringing my own words back to me - I just had a major anxiety attack, and forgot them completely!</p>

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<p>Ahhhhhh.....smiles and deep breaths here. Thank you Blossom.</p>

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<p>Yep, the first time I was on the OSU campus was during frosh orientation. No shiney view book, no web site. Only the catalogue which was a couple of inches thick and listed the thousands of courses offered every year!</p>

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<p>While I agree that your way worked out fine, shouldn't the process of choosing a college get better after a generation? I mean, sure, some can take it too far, but well informed is surely better than just blindly choosing a school without looking into other options. So, I agree with the spirit of your post to "chill out" but I don't think we should just revert to the way your generation did things.</p>

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<p>rabo, while I agree with you conceptually, if the reality is what's reflected on this board than no.... I don't think it's better. Is there an answer to the question, "which is better- Middlebury or Bowdoin?" Can a stranger tell you if you're better off taking out $80K in loans to attend NYU vs. going to Binghamton at a cost you and your parents can afford? Do other, confused 17 year olds really know what the Princeton Adcoms are looking for? My favorite poster of all time was an IVY hopeful last year who had called admissions asking to send a Cassette of his violin performance... the Adcom said, "no please don't" (he wasn't applying as a music major and was a competent but not stellar musician), the regional alum who interviewed him said, "no please don't" but he was at CC to find out what we all thought... answer of course was "no please don't" but he didn't care.</p>

<p>If the process of choosing a college gets better because kids and parents do a better job of matching up their needs with the school's offerings than yes-- it's better. If the process is just an endless exercise in talking to oneself "am I a prestige whore if I love Dartmouth and Columbia equally" than I have to say... give me back the '70's. I know zero people from my high school who transferred... zero. I'm sure some did, but nobody in my circle of friends. In these enlightened times, I know dozens of my kids acquaintances and neighbors who have either transferred or are in the process of doing so. Why is everyone so unhappy with their college if they've used a better process for making a decision?</p>

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<p>I, too, am uncomfortable with the judgment brought to bear on both prospective students and well-intended parents. My son has ASKED that I check online for his EA decision. Now, I feel like I've raised a mommy-dependent wimp instead of the sensitive son who KNOWS that I have as much invested in this process emotionally (for HIS sake, not MINE) as he does--and who feels he needs a buffer, one who knows what is at stake for him. </p>

<p>There often is no one RIGHT way....each student/school is different. Each of us has to act in an appropriate way befitting the unique circumstance. For example, NO ONE at my son's school would give a flip if we had a party in the hall..he's the only one who's ever heard of EA at his school and the only one applying to an Ivy. Not that I'm planning that in the statistically unlikely event that we get good news....but the point of it is that it would be a totally different thing to do that in my son's school versus a northeastern school which is home to many who are applying to the same ivy league schools.</p>

<p>I'm glad that someone else feels this way. I was definitely thinking about this yesterday, particularly regarding the opening letters thread and the one about over-the-top parenting, most of which I did not consider over-the-top at all. ~berurah</p>

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<p>Amen. Thank you, Blossom. Perhaps my favorite CC post to date! We, as parents and students, appear lost in an effort to control the uncontrollable...and make ourselves crazy in the meantime. I love CC and lurk regularly--but have to bring myself back to reality on a constant basis. Some information is good--thank god for the Carolyn's and Jamimoms of the world. But somewhere along the line, I think that there is a tendency to think that the amount of effort/research/toil that goes into the process helps control the outcome. Not only of admissions, but of life. It just ain't so.
My daughter is applying to 8 schools. (about 5 too many--that's my fault)Seven are great fits (the 8th is boyfriends--need to be PC outweighed the $40.00 app. fee). I believe she has an equal chance of "succeeding" at ANY of those seven schools (1 Ivy--mostly State Us) My older two have loved every minute of their college experience at a great school -- without huge prestige. They are succeeding at life after college because they have a good base of knowledge...and because of who they are. Fate has been good to them and they have been smart enough to seek out potential. I believe that is all we can ask for, and that is all we get.
Thanks, Blossom, for saying it all so well.
P.S.- my second favorite post was Thedad's recent comment about trying to get out of an ED acceptance... "like going into the Army for the benefits--and then wanting out when you decide you don't want to go to Iraq.".. THAT'S why I love CC!</p>

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<p>Wonderful post, Blossom.</p>

<p>Our son is a freshman at one of his 'match' schools. Initially very disappointed to have been rejected from his absolute favorite 'reach', he is now loving every minute where he is. It IS who you are and what you make of it.</p>

<p>Thiry years ago, my guidance counselor gave my a full scholarship application to a small, less selective school. I had a great time, graduated in 4 years with little debt and have used my education well since. Maybe, I 'belonged' at a more rigorous school. It doesn't matter....I got what I needed, since the basic stuff was there.</p>

<p>I do think kids now KNOW of so many more options so they may feel they HAVE to strive for the best they can attain. Nothing wrong with aspiring to your best. But you can probably find what you need to do that at many different places, in school and life.</p>

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<p>Going away to college is so much fun. Lightyears away from the dullness of high school. And you want to know why? Because you are only in class for a few hours a week! The rest of the time you are figuring out how to make new friends, feed yourself, get around a new city/town/campus, read effectively, write effectively, perform under pressure(exams),make love,keep up correspondence with family and friends back home, manage funds, think deep thoughts and share deep thoughts with your new friends.</p>

<p>That experience will be true across most of the residential universities and colleges in the United States. All the hand wringing over those few hours in class is kinda beside the point.</p>

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<p>Blossom, absolutely! Many of the "advances" that we enjoy these days bring extra work and stresses. I know that it is easier than ever now to do laundry with these wonderful machines--my mother did not have a dryer, had to line dry, and ironing was a regular thing for her. Well, somehow, I do about 10 times the wash she did, and I mean proportionately for family size. My kids just did not learn to hang up their clothes and then do not diffentiate between the article of clothing and the floor mat, so things tend to get washed after one wear! Progress?</p>

<p>I think many of the kids and parents are so worried about the early decisions in part because it would really put to rest this issue for the most part. A "nyet" means a lot more work. An "aye" means it can be all over for ED applicants, and any other efforts are all gravy for those doing EA.</p>

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<p>blossom: I see what you mean. In refining the process we've raised our expectations as well. So really, the overall message is your original Chillax, y'all. I guess I have trouble believing the process is quite as difficult as CC makes it seems. I also don't know anyone from my hometown who's transferred, and the only ones who were blatantly unhappy at college were the ones that maybe shouldn't have gone to college in the first place. I came to CC this summer, and actually, I have the same college list I had before I got caught up in the madness.</p>

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<p>xiggi</p>

<p>so good to see that you haven't let college dull your sense of humor. how are you? sorry i missed you when you were in dallas. i had two commitments that night and had to run out as soon as the service ended. my best to you and your family.</p>

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<p>Thanks for posting that, Blossom. Nice encouragement for a newly rejected EDer.</p>

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@blossom Eleven years later and your post is still so relevant. Glad I stumbled upon it. Thank you.

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@STEM2017 I have to totally agree with you. When I read the original post this morning I found myself double checking the date, thinking surely it must be a typo. It must be at least 2014, not 2004. I’ve told countless people over the past couple of years how different admissions was for child #3 in 2015 vs her oldest sibling in 2007 and how much higher the stress level is now because of social media. Apparently, college admissions has been an unhealthy level of stressful for a long, long time.

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Wow, I cannot believe someone resurrected my ancient post. I am really old.

To the newbies out there- my kids are all grown up. Guess what- sometimes you interview for a job which you believe with every fiber of your being is the absolute perfect job. And you don’t get it. Someone else gets it.

Sometimes your boss tells you that you’re being considered for a promotion and a transfer to London and you’ve always wanted to go to London and you’ve worked 80 hour weeks for two years and are thrilled to get recognized. But- they promote and transfer someone from the Munich office even though that person really doesn’t want to go to London but will take one for the team.

College admissions is really just a prelude for real life. Sometimes you get what you want and sometimes you don’t. Sometimes you hear about a kid you knew in elementary school who just got a federal clerkship and you think- “him? he was such a loser in fourth grade”. And sometimes something incredible will happen to your kid and all the people who knew him back then will scratch their heads and wonder what’s happened in the universe that such a 7th grade slacker could reach such a high level of accomplishment as a 30-something.

This is life. Your fourth grade or 7th grade or college freshman self does not define who you are and who you will be. Some kids are born to affluent parents who would give up a body part to help kid afford the “best fit” college the kid gets into. And some kids are born to affluent parents who say “here’s the 10K we have saved up in your college fund- go figure it out.” And some kids are born to parents who don’t have financial resources but have been signing them up for free classes at the public library and free tennis clinics at the town park-- and those kids are every bit as competitive as their affluent peers. And some kids are born to parents who don’t have money and haven’t been shlepping them around to activities and classes because the parents work three jobs and are too exhausted to drive 20 miles to a robotics competition on the weekends.

Guess what- all these kids can be successful at however they define success to be. If there’s anything that my kids journeys have shown me is that the past doesn’t need to keep you in your lane- whether due to finances, parental choices, geography, life’s situations.

Are you healthy? Then be grateful- and the rest you can figure out.

The kid I know who self- financed (with the help of the Federal government and all us tax payers) his undergrad and medical career is now working as a flight surgeon overseas in a dangerous place surrounded by people who hate what he stands for. His parents- who gave him grit and determination but couldn’t give him much more than that- are astonished that he finds time on his off weekend to work in a public health clinic in the country he’s stationed in.

To me- this is everything. A distinguished military career which no doubt will be followed by a distinguished medical career with oodles of medals and honors and phi beta kappa and fellowships and all the rest-- and his one weekend off per month is spent diagnosing ringworm and teaching mothers why washing their hands is so important when taking care of an infant.

Really, you could cry.

So should your kid take the full ride vs. going into debt vs. why didn’t the gods smile on him and get him accepted to Princeton early with a huge package which you really need???

This is your last chance with your kid at home, under your roof, to teach and model what really matters in his/her life. Take your education and do some good in the world. Don’t miss this opportunity- with a HS senior who is freaking out about whether Kelly is better than Ross or vice-versa- to teach the last big lesson you get to teach.

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Ah yes, the good old days. Back in 1980, I applied to 9 schools, I believe, which was unusual at the time, but I was sure they’d all reject me. (None did.). I visited none of them. I had a romantic idea about east coast schools (I lived in CA), and when I got a postcard from Mount Holyoke, I thought the campus was so beautiful that I decided to go there. Yep, that is how I picked my college.