<p>So, I'm basically a good kid about to go off to a top college. I've never drank, done drugs, or gotten arrested, and finished high school with a high GPA... My problem is this, sometimes my mother says things to me that are just really mean. I know I'm not perfect, but for instance, even if it has nothing to do with the argument, she will start going on about how "nobody likes me" or accuse me of having a mental illness (which i don't have), that happens to run in our family, or tell me that once i get to college i will have no friends, and even worse... I'm just wondering if these are out of line, and whether they might be affecting me more than I think. Is there anything I can do? Do parents ever say stuff like this? We don't fight that often, but when we do, she says things that leave me speechless. My usual response is nothing. I generally just brood about it by myself for the rest of the day instead of saying anything back, because it wouldn't do anything. Also, it might seem weird to post about this in here, but mostly I just would like a mature assessment from other parents, and because I don't have anyone else to ask about this. </p>
<p>The comments seem unusual and probably reflect some oddity in her perception of the world rather than anything valid about you. </p>
<p>You mentioned a mental illness that runs in your family. Does it run in her side of the family rather than your father's? If so, consider the possibility that she may be experiencing some sort of mental glitch, perhaps connected with the difficulties that others in your family have had.</p>
<p>No, it's not on her side. I have considered that she might have something mentally wrong. I just don't know if there's anything I could do. Thanks for the responses.</p>
<p>Some people, when they lose their temper in an argument, lose any sense of control over what comes out of their mouths. You must ignore these negative comments and treat them like water off a duck's back --- let them roll off without penetrating. Or maybe it's a control thing --- she thinks she becomes more powerful by belittling you. It's best if you keep reminding yourself that these comments are just her ranting and actually have nothing to do with what's true about you. Sounds like your mom lacks empathy in regard to others' feelings and that's a shame, but you have to distance yourself from what she is doing and saying (fighting dirty, imo) and go about your business being yourself. </p>
<p>Fortunately, you are on the cusp of freedom from such negative commentary. You will go to college, make friends, have great new experiences, and grow on your own and into your own person. You will build more armor against her negativity, or perhaps, after you move away, her tune will change since she will see that you are no longer controlled by her. Such comments as you're describing sound like verbal/emotional abuse to me, but it may decline as you leave the nest and then return appearing to be more and more an adult in her eyes. At least, I would hope so.</p>
<p>Don't expect your mom to change. You might tell her that you feel hurt when she makes these negative comments. </p>
<p>Her behavior sounds abusive and might
reveal her own insecurities (i.e. does SHE have a lot of friends? does SHE have a mental illness?) You just have to make your own life and limit your visits to your mom if she continues to verbally abuse you. </p>
<p>(My mom is 70, I'm in my 40's--she has always been extremely critical of everything. Although I love and admire my mom, I live far away from her and limit my visits with her because she puts me down).</p>
<p>OP, I know how you feel - whenever I get into arguments with my parents, they go off frequently on tangents and say stuff which is very very insensitive/mean. But like jazzymom said, some people lose control when angry, and dont exactly know what comes out of their mouths. I'm sure your mother harbors no real ill feelings towards you (that's how I always see it with my parents), and just ignore it.</p>
<p>Has your mother's behavior taken a turn for the worse lately, or has she always responded in this way? It could be that she has a latent disorder or perhaps she has no coping mechanism for stress. It could be a function of her upbringing. Did her own mother treat her in this manner? There could be several reasons for her problem, but we cannot diagnose her over the internet.</p>
<p>Parents are not perfect whether they are stable or not, but in no way should those type of comments be legitimized. You must realize that you don't deserve this treatment and that there is some other reason for your mother's behavior. Do not, under any circumstances, blame yourself. I know that it is difficult and hurtful to hear such negative things from the person who is supposed to love you unconditionally. You must remain strong and know that you are a worthwhile human being. Do not let her irrational behavior destroy your own self-worth.</p>
<p>You say that you have no one to talk to about this. You should seek out a counselor at school if available. Do not hold this inside and suffer in silence. Do not wait any longer.</p>
<p>You remind me very much of one of my daughter's friends who lives with a similar situation. It is very difficult for her and we try to support her as much as possible. She recently sought counseling because things were escalating at home to an unbearable degree. She is doing much better now, but we worry about her constantly.</p>
<p>Please try to find someone to help you on a more personal level. You need more support than we can offer you here. Please keep us updated on your situation. Good luck.</p>
<p>I have parents who tend to label people who don't agree or think like them as "sick" (mentally). It won't go away. You just have to accept that's the way she is and figure out how to deal with it in some way. It's not your problem- it's hers.</p>
<p>I second (third? fourth) the suggestion that the OP see someone about this. Even the most thick-skinned individual would be hurt by comments like that, and it would definitely pay to seek out help with this.</p>
<p>Perhaps, without knowing it, your mom has found the "buttons" to push that hurt you, cause self doubt, and worse.</p>
<p>No, It is not "normal" to do that to our children, but it certainly is not unheard of. She is dealing (or not dealing) with issues of her own and you are on the receiving end.</p>
<p>It is not right, and it is not fair.</p>
<p>You are going through several transitions right now: the obvious ones (leaving friends and home, going off to school....), and others, including the increasing realization that you mother is an imperfect individual.</p>
<p>What happens now is up to you. You are on he cusp of adulthood. You get to play the hand you were dealt, and that hand includes a mom with problems. </p>
<p>When you get to school, you may want to access the mental health services that are available to help you work this through. Or maybe that is something you'll want to take care of a little later. But just remember, you are carrying this with you, and you will need to find a way to deal with it healthily if you want to move forward.</p>
<p>Once again, it is not right, and it is not fair. But it is what it is. Please do what you need to to take care of yourself.</p>
<p>Everyone has given great advice so far. As someone in a vaguely similar situation, I can tell you that it's not easy to really own the statements you need to own--that it's her and not you, etc.--but it will come eventually. Definitely talk to someone about it. Definitely. I've been dealing with issues with my parents for years, and it's extremely helpful to have someone to validate your feelings and give objective commentary. As children we rely on our parents and regard them as role models, but at some point we need to start seeing them as regular people and accept that they have issues--in some cases major ones--which have nothing to do with us. It's sometimes tough to shake that image of our parents as superheroes, which makes it difficult to get perspective on her behavior. </p>
<p>I think some family therapy is necessary. I think you need a safe forum where you can speak freely and constructively. You turned out so well - your mom probably did a great job overall but clearly is struggling in a very real way. You do want to be able to have a relationship with this woman - she is your mom and you obviously love her. So you need for both of your sakes to get some help for your family. You are a wise young woman for recognizing your situation so clearly and objectively.</p>
<p>My only concern is that you are still dependent on your parents. You need them financially, and I would just make sure that you will be able to weather even suggesting family therapy. If you think there is any chance that confronting this situation now could cause such a major blow up that your support would be jeopardized, waiting may be in order. On the other hand, only you can know whether waiting is healthy and possible for you.</p>
<p>Parents tend to replay the tape of what they were told by their parents. I would be willing to bet your mother's mother (or father) told her similar things when she was younger. It would take a huge conscious effort on your mother's part to stop saying these things--that's where family therapy would come in.</p>
<p>My mother used to fly off the handle when we didn't do our chores or do them to her satisfaction, but instead of rationally addressing us, she would say things like "Do you think you're some kind of princess?" Well, no, and what brought that on? Looking back, I would think that was a line her mother used on her. She's gone now, but I wish I could ask her. :)</p>
<p>Someone above stated that you're going through a transition time right now - true, true. The effect is that your mother is also facing the transition of having you leave the nest and it's not wearing well on her. So while the type of things she says when she's mad might be worse than usual and more pronounced, it does require some painfully thick skin on your part.</p>
<p>I learned a long time ago - probably at about your age - that it is best to surround yourself with people who lift you up, not those who tear you down. Life is too short to invest time in depth of a relationship only to have it be one that bites you. Unfortunately, my mother was very emotionally controlling, the master of the guilt trip, if you know what I mean. More often than not, I ended up filling my summers with the wonderful opportunities that were offered through my college, rather than returning home to live, because I discovered after the first year that she couldn't handle my independence.</p>
<p>As a daughter or son, you will always love your mother and have a bond with her, but it is up to her to decide how deep that bond is, and how close the two of you are - she decides by either knocking off the low blows or by continuing to engage in hurtful manipulation. If you choose to give yourself a little distance, both emotionally and/or physically, this does not make you a bad kid. It makes you a person who wants to face the world without having someone close attacking you. And I remember feeling the loss of that closeness very much, especially when I was around friends who had such bonds with their mothers...so perhaps you should be honest with your mother and tell her where she's steering your heart. If you are strong enough to do so, and really need to do so for your happiness, then I wish you luck! It's wonderful to have a mother who you can share the details of your life with, but only if those details are never thrown in your face during a confrontation. </p>
<p>None of us are perfect parents. So give your mom the benefit of the doubt and talk about this. And if you are going to return home frequently and during the summers, I do recommend counseling. But be prepared to continue on with your life without her as a close confidant, should this be more than just a temporary, stress induced reaction (you've lived with her up until now, so you might already know the answer to that). You're on your way to one of the most wonderful periods of your life - don't play that tape recorder of negative comments while you're there - you'll find plenty of people to give you encouragement and the inner strength to deal with those who don't!!</p>
<p>I have many friends who have parents who say similary hurtful things, despite my friends' mostly angelic behavior. Seemingly nothing their parents ever say is ever true, so take heart in that you're not alone. Best of luck...</p>
<p>There is almost complete agreement on this thread:
1. Seek counseling to undo the damage to your self image, as caused by your mother's negativity and judgmentalness.
2. Consider if your MO has always been a detractor, or if her bx has escalated with the inevitableness of your leaving for college.
3. Examine your bxs within other relationships; do you seek out friends and romantic partners that are hard to please? The key to good relationships is 4 compliments to any criticism.</p>
<p>I know this one really well. My mother was like this, and I didn't realize how abusive her verbal anger was for years after I left the house. She had a sort of addiction to anger, like rage-aholism. My mother would go off on a tear at me, tell me she hated me and other horrors, and a half hour later would look me in the eye and deny ever saying these things ("I would NEVER say anything like that about my precious daughter"). She is still that way, hence my children have only the most nominal relationship with her.</p>
<p>Sad to say, your mom may never change. However, you will go on to be a super adult and probably a wonderful parent. You might be like me, in that you will never subject your kids to this (I am a tad permissive, actually, and conflict-avoiding). My mother jeered at me once "congratulations, M--, you broke the cycle of abuse. How did you manage to do it?" I just replied "simple. I took everything you did and did the opposite."</p>
<p>jezebell, best of luck, hon. It is not about you. AT. ALL.</p>
<p>Are you my sister? Must be, as we had the same mother, and we have handled her and our offspring the same way.</p>
<p>You see, jezebell, while your mother is very wrong, she is not as unusual as we would wish.</p>
<p>As I said earlier: do what you need to do to take care of yourself. This can end with you, and you can make a wonderful, healthy life for yourself.</p>