16yr S (sophomore) is so different from D who is senior and so driven and I don’t know what to do. He maintains above 3.0gpa with a minimum amount of work and shows no motivation/drive to do better at quiz/tests to improve his grades. He shows an interest in going to college but no particular school or major in mind and ‘I don’t care’ attitude is just driving me nuts. If we let him, he would play a computer game all day long. He goes to a small private school and involves in 3 different varsity sports and even went state twice (XC runner). Black belt Tae Kwon Doo and almost done with his Eagle project. But I wouldn’t call he loves any of this stuff he does. Do you have a kid like this? Is he going to grow up eventually and realize this is his life and he has to put effort to make things happen? I am tired of keeping ‘encouraging’ him (without much positive results) and tired of worrying about ‘what if’ (i.e. gpa going downhill as things get tougher, decide college is not for him without any clear alternatives, going college but a lack of work ethics catches up with him and can’t make it through, etc. etc). Am I just too pessimistic? I am really stressed out. Any words of wisdom from the veteran parents who might have gone through similar experiences would be greatly appreciated.
Some of it may be that he is a boy… but here are a few thoughts;
- Take him to visit a college this spring where he could probably attend with his current academic standing. We did this with D1 at a small regional LAC in spring of her sophomore year. She did a tour, info session, sat in on a class, and ate in the cafeteria. She liked it, but told me later that she said to herself, “I think I can do better than this”. She buckled down on her academics in junior year, and ended up at a decent LAC with good merit aid. This may or may not happen for him, but I do think it helps students to see in a more concrete way what they are working toward.
- There are certainly four year colleges that he can attend and do fine at. He sounds like a student who might fit in at a “CTLC” (Colleges That Change Lives" school). Or someplace like Lake Forest near Chicago. Or a regional state college. And some kids need a couple of years at community college, but transfer and do fine at a 4 year for their last 2 years.
- He may get a tough wake up call. My best friend from when we attended Michigan has a son who grew up thinking he would attend there. He futzed some on his HS grades, didn’t want to study for and repeat his standardized testing when his scores weren’t great, and to his dismay he didn’t get in even as a double legacy. He is attending Michigan State. He was not happy his first year, but after a couple of years he has settled and is doing fine. But I am pretty sure that lesson of not getting what he wanted because he didn’t work hard has sunk in.
- Can you interest him in any summer programs in an area he might want a career in? Examples: for STEM-type kids, there is a program called Operation Catapult at Rose-Hulman that is a three week introduction to engineering and related fields. Only available after junior year, but you get the idea. My D2 did that particular program, and decided she did NOT want to be an engineer – but she enjoyed the program, and a lot of kids there did end up going into engineering. Something like that in a field he might be interested in would be good.
- There is a phrase out here – “Love the kid on the couch”. Sometimes you just have to just accept him as he is. Baby steps are probably the best you can hope for. If you nag too much, he will tune you out. So there is a balancing act. Can you get your spouse to take an occasional turn at prodding him?
Your S has decent grades and he is over-scheduled. He is likely reaching an age where he realizes he wants to find his own direction and he may not have a passion for:
Sport 1, Sport 2, Sport 3, Tae kwon do or Scouts.
With a superstar sister that is currently a senior, your S is hearing all of the discussions about getting into elite? colleges. He hears everything. He is using this information to begin to discern his own path - that may be very different from his sister’s.
And he may actually be a little frightened of the time coming very soon - when his sister is gone - and all your focus will be directed at him.
And even if you are careful about not comparing your children to each other - it is likely evident to him.
He does not want to be his sister. He does not want to be compared to his sister. He does not want to follow the same path as his sister.
Sophomores in high school rarely have any idea what they want to major in - or what college they want to attend. This may be different from the path your D took. Embrace the differences.
He sounds like a great kid! On the path to Eagle Scout? Wow!
I didn’t read through the other responses, but I have raised two sons myself. What I find with both of mine is that they pretty much do what they really want to do. What they don’t really want to do, they figure out ways not to do. Like most men.
The trick for me is to let them live with the consequences of their actions and do NOT EVER nag them. Boys hate that. They are plenty smart enough to connect the dots.
As his mom you have way more influence than you realize. The key is to “know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em.” Keep pushing in a quiet way, and praise when you see good stuff. Don’t clean up the problems. Don’t nag. Stop comparing him to superstar sister (not that you’re doing this on purpose).
He will figure out what he wants. And if he doesn’t, let him sit with that for a bit. But all the while, let him know that your love is a constant and you have faith in him.
ETA: It’s ok if he doesn’t go to college right away - my oldest didn’t and he’s completely self-supporting at 21.
Thank you so much for your replies. It’s good to hear from other parents something I already knew but needed to remind me of.
@intparent , my spouse is the one who does more pushing (S is tuning him out), while I try to take a bit more wait-and-see/relaxed approach… he did go some summer programs after his freshman year. We pushed him just to get out of the house and do something. Really didn’t spark his interest. But will try again unless he works.
@lots2do, I am fully aware he gets compared constantly to his sister at school (they go to the same school) and am trying my best not to compare him to her at home (but I am sure he feels that).
We are both type A (and D too), so hard to understand the way he is. But you are right - embrace the differences. Thanks again.
My D2 was adamant that she would NOT go to the same college her older sister went to, she was tired of being compared to her in high school! We did tour D1’s campus, and the tour guide said to D2, “Do you have a sister on campus? You look just like her!” Kiss of death for that college. 
@SouthFloridaMom9 I got to put your capital letter advice on my phone screen! Thx.
Ha ha. I get what you’re saying about your son . . . my youngest is the “baby” in a family of “oldest” children - my husband, myself, and my older son. And we all have that oldest child mentality.
Meanwhile “baby” floats through life, waiting for clean laundry to show up. 
It’s been so hard for me to stop babying him but I have. I got a doggie. 
I am even afraid how crazy I will get when D leaves home and my focus all goes to him. My husband thinks I am babying him too much… Dog is a good idea.
I have a high school freshman son who sounds like this. Differences are that he LOVES his sports, and isn’t doing anything else impressive like eagle scout. I totally agree with @SouthFloridaMom9 about influencing them without nagging. It a fine line but you don’t want them to shut you out completely. We will see what happens with this one. My H and I have already discussed that college right after high school may not be best in his case. We will see.
Threads like this make me sad. Sad for the kids who have a “lack of motivation” when they’re actually QUITE accomplished, with three varsity sports at a state level, a black belt AND Eagle Scout pursuits-at only their sophomore year of HS, along with a respectable “B” average (an average which many colleges would love to see-there’s a whole thread on CC about where “B” average kids can go to college).
I can’t imagine being a kid so accomplished hearing that my parents think me unmotivated, not driven and uninterested in anything. No wonder he wants to stay in his room and play video games in what must be his very limited free time! In actuality, your son IS driven-just not in the things you feel are important enough to count. You need to 1)respect and compliment him on his accomplishments (and they ARE accomplishments), and 2)give him room to breathe. He’s only a sophomore and has plenty of time to decide where, when and what he wants to pursue in life. It just might be sports.
My son is one who didn’t go to college right after HS, and has “only” a community college certificate. He’s a brilliant young man, excelled at any sport he tried, but I’m sure many here would think him “unmotivated” and even “lazy”. What he wanted, instead of being “driven” to get a perfect GPA was working with his hands. Which is what he began doing the second he left HS. He is 30 now and owns his own company, 2 cars and a boat (all three of which he bought at auction and has customized himself, using his various “blue collar” skills. He is happy, self-supporting and loves what he does (a very niche career in the construction industry).
Looking back, it’s easy to see that the type of adult my son would become was there all along, from when he was a little kid taking apart old clocks and VCR’s to see how they worked. Unfortunately, my ex and I tried to shove him into the mold of what we thought was “success” and it very nearly cost us our relationship with him. Don’t do that to your son. Let him lead. I’ll bet if you tried talking to him instead of nagging him, you’ll learn that he cares a lot more than you think he does about what he wants out of life.
Your son sounds an awful lot like me when I was in high school! I, too, had a problem with motivation/drive. I knew I wanted to go to college (and had the grades/test scores to go), but just wasn’t the self-starter type. I thought college was going to be a lot like high school, and I thought high school was a drag.
Fortunately, I did a complete 180. The turning point occurred while at a summer camp, which was sponsored by the college I ended up attending. We got to live in the dorms for a week, go flying, hiking, and engage in engineering activities during the day. It was a blast. The freedom of being on my own, and meeting new people with similar interests helped to spark my interest in college. In fact, the whole experience was so positive for me that I became obsessed with college after that trip! I couldn’t wait to go. I loved the campus, the location, the staff, everything.
You should encourage your son to find the right college for him. Maybe ask what his college would look like if he could design it himself, then try and find colleges that best fit his description. Don’t forget to emphasize the fun parts about going to college either. This is really going to be key if you want to engage him. He needs to find a place that he feels genuinely happy about. Once that happens, the motivation part will come easy.
Good luck!
OP… maybe he’s just TIRED? Your son does a lot, including at least one exhausting sport.
If I were you, I wouldn’t push at all. I’d take the exact opposite track: praise him for everything he’s done, let him know you’re proud of him and that you support him.
You will be surprised how that might motivate him
In the meantime, keep in mind that he’s young, that he’s probably tired of being unfavorably compared to his older sister (been there) and that he’s actually a pretty accomplished young man.
We found that there was nothing like a minimum wage job with terrible hours which involved bad smells, an ugly uniform, and a mean supervisor to motivate one of our kids.
Fast Food Nation. Once your son has stayed up until 2 am trying to get the fryolater smells out of his uniform so he can wear it again the next day, the idea of schoolwork and focus will be much more appealing.
No amount of parental nagging replaced the stern talking-to our kid got from his manager when he clocked in five minutes late.
Worked like a charm.
But your son sounds terrific, btw…
I am doing lots of listening (well, reading). I appreciate your sharing your thoughts/experiences.
Yes, night stocking at Walmart motivated one of my kids. 