Parents! Help with motivating the unmotivated...sibling

<p>Hello all! A question for you veteran parents here on the CC forums, who seem to be fairly experienced and knowledgeable in the college admissions process.</p>

<p>I’m a motivated, dedicated high school junior in academics, ECs, and “real life”. While I’m not counting on getting into any top tier schools, I’ll definitely get into a decent college somewhere, and I’ve gotten a pretty good start on the process. My brother and I are in the same grade (I moved up a grade in kindergarten…no biggie, but I’m just clarifying that he didn’t get held back a grade and we’re not twins). </p>

<p>He’s not exactly excited or concerned about college. He only does 2 outside clubs (Leo and Drama), and he only started those last year. His grades range from good to bad; on the recent first quarter report card, they went from an A in English to a D in Algebra II. Since he has a learning disability (I think it’s reading), he gets a ‘resource’ period during school—but since his grades are usually okay, he doesn’t really do anything in there. He usually gets good grades in courses like English mainly because he’s a nice guy, so teachers like him, and he easily becomes a ‘favorite’. When he gets home after school, he usually just watches TV or hits the Xbox. Homework isn’t much of a concern for him, since if he doesn’t understand or feel like doing it, he can do it during Resource. When we recently had the PSATs in October, he was willing to clean out his fish tank, mow the lawn, clean his room, and do the dishes instead of studying for them—no kidding—even though he only got a low 100s selection index score in sophomore year. He has no idea what he wants to do in college, although he wants to go, and he seems to think he’ll always be guided along and favorited by the teachers. My parents have been checking out the local community college, but none of the courses there interest him.</p>

<p>How can I get him motivated for college? As his sister, I tend to have a little more leeway in persuading him to do things, but I can’t get him to take any initiative in either his current academics or college admissions. I don’t want him to not go to college, but I don’t know how to get him motivated enough to start putting effort and thought into his future. My parents and I are at a loss.</p>

<p>Please help!</p>

<p>Fortasse:</p>

<p>He is not atypical for boys. And you cannot motivate someone who is not motivated. It has to come from inside. He may benefit from a gap year, working at something he genuinely likes and seeing what he needs to excel. I personally do not think that college is for everyone. Some people would do better to go to a really good vocational program, for example. I know a young man who loved cooking from a young age. His parents were very upset when he told them he wanted to go to culinary school. But he is doing really well as a maitre d' at an upscale restaurant. He is in his 20s, and he may yet achieve his dream to run his own restaurant.</p>

<p>I had to deal with the same situation concerning my two brothers, although both are still a few years away from worrying about college. Approach the issue realistically and ask him if he has thought about his future at all. Most likely he hasn't, and he likely has no interest in reading career books or worrying about it at this point - I know I had the same problem until my junior year. While you may not get him to decide upon a specific major, future career, or college, you can definately motivate him to succeed to some degree in school if only because he doesn't want to end up unsuccessful. If your brother isn't competitive, this may not work for you, but most guys tend to be. </p>

<p>If he is ambitious and simply naive about the facts of life, try to explain what happens to the people who don't go on to college. If he ever aspired to make something of himself, to be rich, to be powerful, to have a great car, having a college degree will either be necessary or at least make the goal much more attainable. Grades are a means to an end - even if he doesn't know what that end may be exactly, they'll more often than not be necessary.</p>

<p>Then again, if your brother is not competitive, ambitious, or worried about living the life of a common man, there really isn't much you can do. If he's honestly content to do a typical working class job, having grades or a college education don't really matter. Perhaps show him the statistics concerning the difference in pay between having a bachelor's degree and working without one.</p>

<p>OMG leave these poor boys alone! They are not girls!</p>

<p>Your brother may just not be ready for college. Instead of focusing on getting into a "better" college, it may be wise for everyone to focus on getting him into better shape in dealing with life. A "D" in Algebra can be for a number of reasons, but if it is a symptom of not dealing with something that he just dislikes, or if it is an issue of organization, learning skills, etc, there is a big difference in how it should be addressed. Having a learning disability makes it a bit easier to deal with the schools in pinpointing the problems and setting up an IEP so that he can improve in areas where he needs work--again not to become better college materials but so that he can cope with life better.
I wish that I had been more focused in that pursuit rather than making it a college thing for my boys in highschool. I have guys now that can get through a college course, but are challenged in dealing with necessities such as paying bills, not losing cell phones, wallets, keys, locking doors, turning out lights, balancing check books, taking care of their clothers, keeping a calendar, making notes and memos for self, tracking activities,etc. College is not the best direct destination for some kids, who need extra work in getting themselves set up for adulthood. When they are better in those lifeskills, then they can turn their minds to college. I think in my case, I was too focused in getting them to focus on their school work, giving the time for the ECs and other stuff for college, not seeing that they were have some adult adjustment disorders in things that were more basic. The average college student is NOT an 18 year old right out of highschool. That is a very special subgroup. It may not be the right group for your brother.
My good friends who have a son who had not the slightest interest in academics and who needed lifeskills help, is finally taking a community college course at age 21. After 4 years of all kinds of difficulty in adjusting to adulthood, he is finally looking at school again. He needed so much work and help in doing decently in school, that many of his basic issues were overlooked. Had they been addressed in highschool, and his academic workload then been more manageable, he might have been able to focus on where his needs were which were organizational and attentiveness. Everything revolved around his school situation, rather than life situation, and he just was not interested or motivated in academics, especially since he had other more serious deficits that needed to be addressed for him to do well in school. A small step which is a big achievement would be keeping a calendar for kids like that.</p>

<p>I suspect that come senior year, he will probably start showing an interest in getting into the big state U if it is not too difficult. ANother thing that I would encourage is Hofstra on Long Island. It appeals to kids like your brother becaues you can get in with learning disabilities and less than stellar grades, yet it is not a school for the "learning disabled": also has some very smart kids, is in the country but a stones throw from New York City, and has awesome television and movie production programs that guys who are not that academically motivated really love for the technical yet artistic aspects of it. Real television studios, filming MTV videos, its very cool to go there and watch. I was thinking of the Tv/XBOX comment. Ask him if he's ever been intested in the production end of things. Great internships in the city as well.</p>

<p>I wish I had some advice for you but I don't; I am having the same problem with my son. He is now a HS Jr. and still is perfectly willing to accept the consequences for not doing his homework ( poor grades at school and sanctions at home). None of his friends are like this. He just assumes anything he wants (such as an engineering degree) will fall into his lap and if it doesn't, he can live without it. He was 'gifted' in elem school and Jr High, is very talented musically, and is otherwise a great kid; it breaks my heart to see his options running out.</p>

<p>Are you sure he is not depressed? Not an unusual thing for gifted people...just thought I would ask, not trying to stereotype.</p>

<p>I was the same way - and I'm a girl. (Now successful and moving on to grad school, thank you.) I can't speak for your brother, but in my case it was maturity - or lack thereof. Community college did winders - it's a great place to get focused, and since college (even community college) is so much different than high school, the simple change may motivate him.</p>

<p>Bottom line - you can't get him to be something he's not. So work with what he is. What has HE said he wants/plans to do?</p>

<p>DontPanic1 - Don't worry, his options are not running out. Some kids just take longer. If he demonstrated academic talents earlier, he can again. He just may need to take the long road. </p>

<p>I've known students who dropped out after one semester and then came back after realizing that they didn't like their current path - and then they were fabulous students who went to excellent grad schools.</p>

<p>Sometimes getting out in the real world and working for a living has an amazing effect on motivations to study.</p>

<p>Thanks posters. I know my S has some options, but I'd hate him to miss out on that 'freshman experience' away from home; his friends and rock-band mates will be gone. And he's eager for college-level marching and jazz bands, they dont have that at the local CC, or even the local state U. Mybe a gap year? </p>

<p>Depression... Immaturity... yes, possibilities. I know it's not 'not being challenged enough'. Our school isn't the greatest, but it does have a Jr High gifted program, which he dropped out of as soon as he discovered he'd have to actually take some initiative to meet its requirements!</p>

<p>I don't know what the learning disability is, but I've heard Clark in Worcester has great programs (as, I'm sure, many other schools do, but that's what I've heard stand out)</p>