<p>First of all, I must admit that I am a soon to be senior in high school. And yes, I'm browsing through the parents forum. :)</p>
<p>I thought that perhaps I could get some help, regarding how to deal with parents during the college application process. We don't really see eye-to-eye on the colleges I want to go to...</p>
<p>My dream college is about 9 hours away. I've never visited, never even been to the city it's in, but I just have that feeling that it's exactly what I'm looking for. However, my parent's completely hate the thought of me being that far away from them, and don't even want to think about me going there, let alone applying. Granted, I haven't gotten in yet, and there's a better chance I won't get in than I will. </p>
<p>Is there a certain way I should approach them about it? I mean, they won't even talk about it with me! I try to explain my reasons for wanting to go there and visit even, but they show no interest in listening. </p>
<p>I'm an only child, which most certainly doesn't help in this case. I don't want them to not be happy, but at the same time, I have to live my own life and get out there and discover things, ya know? </p>
<p>So, if you have any advice at all, please, lay it on me.</p>
<p>Hey,
I also admit that I am a soon to be senior in the parents’ section… As for advice, maybe write a paper? I don’t know how effective that will be at this age, but it did convince my parents to let me get a pet rabbit a few years ago. Why are they so against you being so far away? This is your choice in the end, isn’t it? However, I would definately go visit the college. I read once that choosing to go to a college you’ve never visited is like marrying someone you’ve never met before. It’s a big decision… Maybe roadtrip?
-T</p>
<p>From a parent’s perspective, I would be more open-minded if you did not say you were certain about a palce you had not seen and would be more receptive to a 9 hour trip if you included some other, closer places, on the way there and back.
Are your reasons convincing for why the 9 hour place has offerings that closer schools do not and are the reasons appealing to parents (for example, a unique major which can lead to a job is more persuasive to me than a beach location)?
Is there objective evidence supporting your belief the place is remarkable–guidebook or other quotes, guidance counselor recommendations; kids from your high school who love it, etc? Is there something yuou can offer your parents in exchange for making the long trip? And admit the visit will be a pain for them.
Point out that, once you are at college, 9 hours and 2 hours are not very different, because you will not be ocming home often from either place.</p>
<p>And don’t fall in love with any college–sight unseen especially–before you get the acceptance and spend an overnight there. Good luck</p>
<p>From another parent’s perspective…I hope you will let your parents or a trusted English teacher look over your essays to ensure that they are grammatically correct!</p>
<p>I don’t understand your comment, ReadyToRoll. There weren’t any gross grammatical errors in the OP’s post.</p>
<p>What you should do, OP, is do some compromising. Sit down with your parents and have them look with you over guidebooks or click through college websites with you – both colleges that are close to you and ones that are farther away. Explain what you like about the school, and why you would just like to try to apply. Tell them they don’t have to decide anything now, they can talk about it in April.</p>
<p>Your parents just care about you – while you’re thinking that you want to fly free, they’re panicking about how they’re going to get to you if you’re 9 hours away and an emergency happens. Because they’ve always cared for you, it will be hard for them to imagine you taking care of yourself (or other people – strangers! – taking care of you).</p>
<p>Are you absolutely certain that the only reason why your parents are opposed to this school is the distance?</p>
<p>You need to sit down with your parents and sort out many things, not just distance. How much money is truly available for your education? What are your goals for your education? What are theirs? What are some specific concerns that they have about this school you think you like so much? Do they know something about it (or the city that it is in) that you don’t know?</p>
<p>And has been said elsewhere, don’t go falling in love with ANY college or university just yet. Get to know several decent options first.</p>
<p>juillet…the OP used the word “prospective” instead of “perspective” and also used several apostrophes where they don’t belong (e.g. “my parent’s completely hate…”), as well as omitting apostrophes where they do belong. So perhaps I should amend my comment to include both grammar and spelling. </p>
<p>The advice was meant to be helpful since his or her essays need to be written soon.</p>
<p>It’s okay, I do this too. A LOT. The parents here, and the other students who frequent this particular board, have excellent insight. No one has told me to leave yet, so I figure I’ve still got time before they run me out.</p>
<p>My parents and I finally agreed that I was going to apply to 3 publics, on which we agreed, and 8 privates, 2 of which I would pick regardless of their thoughts, 2 of which they’d pick regardless of mine, and 4 of which we would compromise on. When I get decisions, we’ll figure out what’s financially reasonable, revisit the top 2-4 left standing, and then I get to make the final decision.</p>
<p>I think this is a highly reasonable approach that could work for you, but you need to do more research. Do you have a list that you can show your parents that includes the school you really love as well as similar schools that are closer by and/or that are easier to get into? Also, do you parents have suggestions that are very different from what you want, or are you generally on the same page but disagree on one school?</p>
<p>Try to plan a visit on paper (including hotel, open house session, tour, etc - most colleges have visitations over the summer) and present your parents with a potential itinerary. Rather than say that you “know” it is a good place for you before you visit, ask them if they will help you to explore this option. </p>
<p>Why don’t they want you to go there if admitted? Perhaps there is some reason that they are not telling you? For instance, is the cost prohibitive? Do they feel that you lack the maturity? Are they concerned about crime rates? Do they have negative feelings about the college based on the experience of friends? Or maybe they just don’t know many people who have gone so far from home? I think you all need to have an open “sit-down” discussion, and make sure you do as much listening as talking.</p>
<p>taz24 is right(post 2), though that it is the Op’s choice in the end. But choices the parents are allowed to make can affect choices the student is allowed to make. Unless of course the OP is going to pay for 100% of the costs of the college choice. If that is the case, the Op can make any choice he wants.</p>
<p>If the Op isn’t going to pay for 100% of his choice, then yes, the parents do have a right to say where their gift of money goes. Any money a parent chips in toward their childs’ college education is a gift, and they do have the right to choose how much, to who, and when they give that gift. The amount of that gift can affect the student’s choices.</p>
<p>I recommend the Op get real, serious, printed data on the dream school to be able to show parents with real documentation comparisons that demonstrate why that school is far superior to any others. If that documentation doesn’t show what you hope, then maybe you need less dream and more reality. Without that clear, persuasive documentation the Op will look like a typical kid with a typical kid dream, but no serious practical way of making it happen. My own example- a 10 yr old says he dreams of being a pro basketball player but doesn’t practice more, longer, harder than his peers. The 10 yr old thinks that though his practices, effort, intensity are = to his peers, somehow he will magically have skills far superior than they because he dreams of the NBA. Skills so superior that the NBA will want him. That’s ok at 10. Not ok for a high schooler that wants a dream college.</p>
<p>From a parent perspective - I agree that you should choose a few other schools to apply to. Also, can you explain just what it is about this school that appeals to you so much? </p>
<p>I’ll be bluntly honest and tell you that if I had left the college choice solely up to my sons they’d have gone to the school that sent them the shiniest, slickest brochures and made themselves sound the coolest. It took only a little investigation on my part to discover that the school they really thought they wanted to go to had a bad academic reputation. Fortunately they listened to what I had to say and we worked together to narrow down the possibilities from a list of more appropriate schools.</p>
<p>If, in the long run, your parents primary objection to this school is that it’s so far away, then you can explain to them that they have raised you so well that you will function fine so far away from them. BUT…also agree to apply to some of the colleges they think would be a good fit for you AND go on as many college visits as you can. Even if it is a college you absolutely don’t want to go to, you will learn something from the visit…even if it’s just a reminder of all the reasons you DON’T want to go there. Having a basis for comparison is a good thing.</p>
<p>Finding your best college options should be a partnership between you and your parents. Consider financial issues, chances, location, reputation, etc. and develop a list of schools both of you can live with. Do your parents believe that school is beyond your reach academically or financially? Is there a way to overcome their issues with that school so you can keep it on your mutually-agreed-upon list? Approaching them in a reasonable, mature way will go a long way to helping them adjust. Make a list of why you think that is the right school for you and then list their reasons for thinking otherwise and see what you can do to find a compromise.</p>
<p>Looking back at my experience with my son, I had two schools in mind for him that he did not want to attend. I made him go to one of the schools with me and he convinced me it was not the right choice for him. For the other one, I made him apply because he needed another school to apply to. He got waitlisted there and accepted at a higher choice school, so that was just like $70 I threw away, lol. But it’s all part of the process. Keep your parents informed and involved in your college selection process.</p>
<p>From my perspective, distance is a secondary consideration. Before I would pay for the visits and application, I would want to know “Why that school”. If the school is across town, then I would have a low threshold because the costs are low. If it takes a lot of cost and effort, then I would expect a higher level of reasoning. If it is the only “high cost/effort” school, then that would be his one free-pass.</p>
<p>In the end, when you have your acceptances, then the bar is even higher. If Local State University is top ranked, and only costs $10,000/yr (after financial aid), and 9-hour away school costs $40,000/yr (after financial aid), then good luck. If the positions are reversed, Local State is $20,000/yr, and 9-hour away school is $10,000/yr because of great financial aid, then you have a compelling reason.</p>
<p>Since you’re saying “lay it on me” as a parent I’d add- Does your dream of college also include me funding your dream? I dream of Nicole Kidman taking me away to support me.(An example)
If you want me to help make your dream happen then convince me with real documentation that your dream is far better than schools and options closer.</p>
<p>I would add that distance is relative. State Flagship is 350 miles away (5-6 hours by car) with terrible airfare prices (small local airport). S can get halfway across the US in less than 3 hours for usually less than $100. Who’s nearer? Financial considerations weigh a lot more, assuming parents want to let go. If they don’t, nothing will outweigh that consideration.</p>
<p>Do NOT “fall in love” with any one school–especially do NOT emotionally commit to any school UNLESS you and your family are SURE you can afford all 4+ years of attending (knowing that many students take longer than 4 years to graduate).</p>
<p>As a parent, I find it tough to believe anyone can KNOW that any particular school is “right” for them when they have never even been to that part of the country, especially if they can’t convey to me what makes the school “right.” My S told me that there are many schools he could be happy at & I was glad he had that opinion, which gave him many options.</p>
<p>It especially does NOT make sense to “fall in love” with a school which is a reach for the student, which appears to be the case from your description. It makes sense to find some schools that you & your family can agree on and afford, that are likely to admit you, as well as a few other schools that may be more of a “stretch.” The college app process needs to be a partnership unless you are independently wealthy in your own name & right and can pay for everything without any help from your family. </p>
<p>Remember, you (& everyone else you know) are NOT entitled to or owed any particular post HS education and won’t get far unless you can work as a PARTNER with your folks. Colleges are VERY expensive and best handled as a partnership.</p>
<p>Remember that you can apply anywhere you want as long as you can come up with the application fee or get a waiver. Your parent doesn’t need to sign your application itself.</p>
<p>Thank you to parents who already commented on the word issues- perspective/prospectus are words to look up. Students need to be using proper words, spelling and grammar. Typos happen but usage, even on this forum, shows. We old parents may have the excuse of being too lazy to learn/remember/use correct grammar (I’m guilty) but the young need to develop awareness and good habits, especially when college bound. </p>
<p>Regarding distances. It takes all day, 9 hours including stops (and a time zone change?), for us to go 500 miles. One can go 700 miles in a long day of driving with breaks. This distance is doable for the move in/move out of a college student with the family van/car with trailer/etc. Vacations and other trips home would likely be via air (you have to double the time/distance factor for parents making a round trip, kids who complain about that 2 1/2 hours sitting in the car don’t consider their parent’s 5 hour trip… digressing about a certain son). The school’s proximity to good airport transportation can make flights an all day prospect (consider Cornell, in Ithica, NY). An all day trip does put parents in reach by car for emergencies, unlikely to ever occur, but a relief to know your child can be gotten to. I remember the family who took a multigeneration vacation trip from Boston to Madison for UW’s summer orientation for their son, a longer distance.</p>
<p>Your job is to have several comparable colleges to consider applying to and to show your parents why you should consider this one over others closer to home. I have given you information useful in dismissing the distance factor.</p>
