A Second Essay Attempt...Please Grade

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>After the horrible essay that I wrote last time, according to Utopia 19 and KLee0891, I attempted to write another one. This time, the examples are a bit better, and I tried to vary my sentence structure.</p>

<p>Please grade my essay and tell me what you think. Thanks!!!</p>

<p>Topic: Are people more likely to be happy if they focus on goals other than their own happiness? </p>

<p>The Actual Essay........</p>

<p>The achievement of a goal, or a series of goals, leads to the internal state of happiness. Happiness, itself, can also be considered a goal. Without a goal-oriented sense of focus and direction, achievement of the goal is impossible. Though we may sometimes achieve something by luck, a series of planned actions are usually required. Three anecdotes from the past and the present serve as compelling examples of this fact.</p>

<pre><code>At times, our eyes and sense of reasoning betray us. It may seem as if a person is working towards another’s goals when they’re actually working towards their own goals. Past Indian Emperor Prithviraj Chauhan ruled over an arid landscape, covered mostly by poverty. The citizens of his kingdom could only afford to buy handfuls of rice. To get rid of this povery, Prithviraj went on a five-year mission and uncovered about 5000 square feet of treasure buried in the deserts of Rajasthan – which he happily split among his subjects. Though it may seem that Prithviraj achieved happiness by focusing on another person’s goal, he was actually focusing on his own goal. Prithviraj had a fascination for challenging tasks, because challenges gave him a sense of power. To achieve this sense of power, Prithviraj went on a mission. Sometimes, it may seem like a person is achieving a goal for someone else, when they’re really achieving the goal for themselves.

Without focusing on happiness, achieving it is impossible. Thomas Balsaka, a close friend of mine, was a brilliant student. His goal in life was to get accepted into Harvard University and study law. He had a 4.0 GPA during the first three years of High School. As a senior, he got elected as Governor of New Jersey’s Key Club District. Key Club is a prestigious community service club. As Governor, Thomas raised $5,000 for a Children’s Cancer Institution, organized an AIDS-Awareness campaign in Kenya, and raised $3,000 in a breast cancer walk. He was sure that these achievements would help him get accepted into Harvard, however they didn’t. In the midst of these projects, he paid little attention to college applications, and ended up getting rejected from every college he applied to. The $5000 scholarship from Key Club had no use. By focusing on another goal, Thomas failed to achieve what would make him happy.

A sense of focus is the recipe for achievement. When Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. set out on his journey to end segregation, he adopted a policy of nonviolence. By planning and analyzing his actions towards his goals, Dr. King was able to establish and stick to a certain set of actions. He knew that a nonviolent approach would be the most effective in achieving his goal. Unlike Thomas, Dr. King was successful in achieving happiness. The difference was that Dr. King never took his goal – the thing that would make him happy – out of his mind.

Whether we are dealing with Ancient History, recent history, or the present, one rule is universal: Achievement of any goal, including happiness, requires a focus as well as a series of planned actions. Happiness is usually a choice. That is one thing that will never change.
</code></pre>

2

<p>Body paragraph 1: This doesn't answer the question! Talk, talk, no answer! So an emperor dug up a treasure, and it looked like he was focusing on others' goals when he was actually focusing on his own goal. SO WHAT? How does this support the thesis? Your topic sentence for the first body paragraph is "Sometimes, it may seem like a person is achieving a goal for someone else, when they're really achieving the goal for themselves." This has absolutely nothing to do with the assigned topic!</p>

<p>Body 2: Your example is okay, but you are making a huge risk when you say that "Without focusing on happiness, achieving [happiness] is impossible." Are you serious? Do you really think that one example will support that statement? Without focusing on happiness, achieving happiness is IMPOSSIBLE??? Why would you say that when you only support that with one example? All of your credibility goes down the drain with that statement. Here's an example: I was really tired. As I was going to bed I found my old stuffed animal from when I was 7. I was really happy to find that ancient artifact. Without focusing on happiness, achieving happiness IS possible. My simple example proves it. The moral: Don't risk saying that something is IMPOSSIBLE in an SAT essay, or any essay, especially if it deals with topics like happiness. I'm still puzzled; why did you add that sentence?</p>

<p>Body 3: This is okay.</p>

<p>Conclusion: "Achievement of any goal, including happiness, requires a focus as well as a series of planned actions."</p>

<p>NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!</p>

<p>If that's true, then why did I feel happy when I accidentally found my stuffed animal? Stop making such extreme statements. Don't say something if you can't back it up.</p>

<p>6/12</p>

3

<p>Also, if you plan to post another essay, read other graded essays first and then try to grade your own, based on others' comments.</p>

4

<p>I had a hard time understanding your thesis (I read it really quickly as a grader would).</p>

<p>I'd get a clearer thesis -- lay it out & put forth some examples to support it.</p>

<p>I was confused about happiness as a goal. MLK worked for social justice--was happiness his goal? Seems like it was equality, which undercuts the 'must have happiness as goal' construct you seem to be putting forward.</p>

<p>Your Harvard-goal friend story was supported w/tons of specific detail (too much, you'd be wasting your time w/all those details in a timed exam) but I didn't get how it supported your larger thesis. He definitely had a goal. He just didn't meet it...not sure how this fits in??</p>

<p>You don't need to say "these three examples serve as compelling..." or whatever. Don't set up your upcoming discussion w/a self-descriptive complimentary term (what comes next will be compelling!!) because it will likely cause the reader to say, "why, this is not exactly compelling" -- plus, it's unnecessary.</p>

<p>Great that you are trying to improve, though!! That's worthwhile!</p>

<p>PS Just thought--are you over-thinking this thing? No offense. Just try to be simple and clear. I tell my son (<em>regardless</em> of what the books tell you) OUTLINE is everything. Spend a minimum of 5 mins of your time doing this. It lays out your organizational structure where you can see it. I still outline & I've been writing/doing arguments (as a job) for years. It never, ever fails to improve the content of what you ultimately put down.</p>

5

<p>Thank you both for your honest replies........</p>

<p>
[Quote]
Also, if you plan to post another essay, read other graded essays first and then try to grade your own, based on others' comments.

[/Quote]
</p>

<p>Ok. Next time I post an essay, I will proofread it, compare it to other essays, and make it as best as possible, before I post it and waste anyone's time.</p>

6

<p>Here's what people should read before they start posting more essays:
Let's take an essay about whether it's better to have high expectations or low expectations. I use Frederick Douglass and Winston Churchill as supports.
OK! So, here are my steps, finally!
1. Read the prompt carefully, and come up with a general answer.
2. Think of examples (I swear, I took like 5 minutes planning what I would say, and everyone was busy scribbling stuff. I remember laughing to myself because here I was just thinking with my pencil still on the table, my booklet blank, surrounded by all the sounds of pencils scratching on paper. It was kind of distracting at first, and I remember feeling like I was behind on time and behind everyone else, but say it with me: "DO NOT PAY ATTENTION TO HOW FAST OTHER PEOPLE ARE GOING." Just don't. Pretend all the students in the room except you are retards, and that you know the trick that everyone falls for. Trust me: DO NOT GO TOO FAST.)
3. Do not pay any attention to how fast other people around you are doing their essay. Just ignore them and concentrate on your answer, on your essay.
4. Think of big words to use in your intro.
5. Start off with a general statement.
6. Slowly lead into your thesis (look at my intro sentences for an example).
7. State your thesis, and state what you will talk about in your body paragraphs (In my intro, I gave my thesis, and in the next sentence I said something along the lines of "This is exemplified in examples from two major figures in history: Winston Churchill and Frederick Douglass." (Notice the word "exemplify.")
8. Topic sentence of paragraph 1.
9. Example.
10. Explanation (for instance, I said, basically, Oh, look at what Churchill did with high expectations. And then I said what might have happened if Churchill had low expectations). So basically support your point. How does your example support the thesis?
11. Transition (it makes the essay sound more scholarly). I said something like, "(my thesis) can also be seen in the American south, almost a century before Churchill."
12. Repeat steps 8-10.
13. Conclusion: Start by summarizing (Churchill and Douglass have shown that...)
14. End with a good lingering sentence or quote so that the readers says, "Oh, this essay is just brilliant! Well-thought out, well-written, and shows that this person learned something in school. This essay is fantastic for only 25 minutes. This deserves a 6."
And if you get 2 6's you get 12, which is perfect.</p>

<p>*** IMPORTANT: ***
Really, the readers want to know that you can follow the instructions in the essay, that you can think critically and think fast, and you can craft a well-organized and well-written (topic, example, explanation, transition) essay in the time given. I can imagine the readers, once they read a great essay, say to themselves, "This essay is outstanding! And only in 25 minutes!" </p>

<p>So, this is my formula for a great essay.</p>

<p>But please, please, please remember these most important things:
1. In the thesis, answer the question and go beyond. If it says, "Are high expectations better than low expectations," don't say, "High exp...are better than low ones." Explain why. (High expectations are better than low ones because high ones result in great success, while low ones can often exacerbate the situation) (Notice the word exacerbate).
2. PLAN YOUR THESIS, PLAN YOUR EXAMPLES BEFORE YOU START WRITING! You want the first sentences to lead into your thesis. If you change your thesis after you write your first sentences, they might not flow very well into your thesis. I speak from experience.
3. This is also very important: Don't go too fast, but also, don't go too slow. Go at a medium pace, so that you finish your essay maybe 30 seconds to a minute or 2 before time's up. Go over your essay and change maybe a thing or two. This is a reason why you should plan everything before you write--so you don't have to make so many corrections later.</p>

<p>These 9 words summarize everything:</p>

<p>Know what readers want, and give it to them.</p>

7

<p>Good tips! I'm printing them out for my son.</p>

<p>I've done a bunch of essays on a variety tests & would just add....it depends on the student whether you start writing right away. It definitely shouldn't be in your test book, however...but I tended to start writing furiously on my scrap <em>outline</em> -- getting that set out in even the roughest form was key.</p>

8

<p>Your sentence structure was fairly well and you used moderate vocab which was okay. Your thesis was very confusing and your first example [second paragraph] had nothing to do with your thesis statement. You want to use the examples to defend your thesis, not create another argument. You had a few errors. I was impressed by the structure although you could develop your essay a bit more. I am usually very tough on grading essays - they are my favorite part of the SAT.</p>

<p>Grade: 7/12</p>

9

<p>dchow08......Thanks for the tips........I am definitely printing them out</p>

<p>Thank you all for your honest input..........I am glad to learn that I at least developed my sentence structure a bit...........It seems that the major problem is that the examples aren't too good, especially the first one........and that some statements are too extreme.........like the ones that say blah blah is impossible....</p>

<p>So, I guess I will work on getting better examples, not praising my examples using the word compelling or something (like Jolynne Smyth suggested), and making sure my statements can actually be supported by my examples.</p>

<p>Thanks again to all of you....I really appreciate it.....</p>