Please Grade My Essay. Thank You ! :)

<p>Prompt: Envy can act as a motivation force for some people to improve their condition in life. On the other hand envy may be a self-destructing emotion because it may lead people to strive in vain of unattainable goals. </p>

<p>In your view, is envy a positive or a negative force in people's lives? </p>

<p>Every human being unapologetically chooses his goals. He knows the limits he can exceed and therefore, no goal is unattainable, if he himself has chosen it. Similarly, this being can choose whom to envy and to what extent. But what he cannot do is, not envy at all. There is no choice in that matter. Envy is omnipresent, envy makes the world revolve and envy is good and all-righteous. </p>

<p>Fundamentally, the paradigm of "envy" has two sides- the one in which it benefits and the one in which it harms. But envy is merely an emotion and choosing the positive side side to the above paradigm is solely up to the human - and surprisingly enough, he tends to choose the positive effects.
Jordan Belfort, a motivational speaker and former Wall Street stock broker used to make a million dollars a week.
He did not go to Harvard Business School. In fact, it was his envy towards his wealthier Upper West Side neighbors that drove him to work hard enough , in order to resuscitate himself from the trance of poverty. One may argue that Belfort, landing himself up in prizon for 22 months due to tax fraud isn't particularly a 'positive effect'. However, the feeling of envy has no hand in the share - that was simply the sheer stupidity of a "now rich" man.</p>

<p>Taking a bit of leeway, let me share a personal experience. In High School's junior year, I had a best friend. Our personalities however, were radically different. He was an "all - rounder" - excellent at sports, good with the teachers ,smooth and suave with the ladies, a born leader, prudent and studious, yet surprisingly, not pompous. Oh how I envied him! But alas, I couldn't emulate him and I fell into a ditch of depression. However, being human, I soon picked myself out of the ditch and started envying someone else. </p>

<p>'Envy' , is extremely omnipresent - in fact , it is so omnipresent that there are more than enough examples to illustrate where it has been and how it has got there. But envy is good. Without it, the poor and wretched would remain so - and thus, neither a Wall Street broker nor a humble student can escape it.</p>

<p>Please? I caused quite a stir last time :P</p>

<p>Score: 6
Overall, the essay has strong components and is well-thought-out but has a few weak points.</p>

<p>“One may argue that Belfort, landing himself up in prizon for 22 months due to tax fraud isn’t particularly a ‘positive effect’. However, the feeling of envy has no hand in the share - that was simply the sheer stupidity of a “now rich” man.” This unnecessary detail weakens the paragraph for it rather strays away from the topic. Instead it would have been more ideal to explain HOW envy drives. For example, you should have asked yourself: What do envious people want or see in others? How do they sought out for it? Also, the essay has a few typos (spaces, words repeated, etc.) which may or may not affect your actual score, but overall it is well developed and structured. Keep up the good work! :)</p>

<p>This is too heavy on examples and too light on analysis. It’s also quite repetitive.</p>

<p>VOCAB: 4/6 (Your word choices are sometimes puzzling to say the least.)</p>

<p>STRUCTURE: 3/6 (See my opening comments.)</p>

<p>GRAMMAR/SYNTAX: 5/6 (Your sentence constructions are generally varied and engaging but sometimes they’re choppy.)</p>

<p>USAGE: 6/6 (I see a handful of minor errors but nothing that indicates that you don’t know the basics of English mechanics.)</p>

<p>I get a 3.8 out of six.</p>

<p>^^ isn’t that a 4.5/6 ? (18/24 = 75% = 9/12 = 4.5/6)</p>

<p>Anyway, thank you allude and jkjeremy for the detailed responses ! I really really appreciate it. I will take all the criticisms with consideration and chalk up another essay :). Thank You.</p>