I got into the college I always wanted to go to, it’s across the country from where my family lives in a state I’ve only been to once before. In spite of all this, I believed that I would easily be able to make friends. I’m by no means an extrovert or the life of the party, especially not in new environments, but I’ve always been friendly and open with new people and typically am pretty good at having easy conversation. In high school I was also always up to go meet new people and do whatever, I just always needed to recharge at home every once in a while.
I came to school about a week ago to participate in the new student orientation and things immediately went downhill. First, even though my roommates and I were amicable with each other, I felt like I couldn’t relate to any of them as most of them come from a better financial situation than I did and so I couldn’t always understand or talk about the topics they discuss. Hoping that I would be able to find some people to befriend in my orientation group, I tried to talk to as many people in it as possible, but every time I tried to talk to anyone I began to feel incredibly self-conscious and like I wasn’t able to think of anything to talk about or that they didn’t want someone like me to talk to them. I was also discouraged by the fact that I’m not a super expressive, bubbly person and many people around me were and I felt like I just wasn’t as interesting as they were. So even though I got a few people’s numbers at orientation, I wasn’t really able to talk much with them and we haven’t texted since.
Also during orientation because I felt self-conscious and discouraged by the fact that I wasn’t making any friends in my group and all of my roommates (I have five roommates) were, I didn’t want to go to any of the sports games or parties that my roommates were trying to invite me to. So now my roommates think I’m antisocial and don’t want to hang out with anyone, so they’ve started moving on and making friends with each other and people they met at orientation.
The first few nights were absolutely awful, I cried literally every night because I felt like everyone else was making friends and I didn’t know what I was doing wrong and have called home to both parents and an older sibling every day so far since I got here. One day I also left a soccer game early because I was having a panic attack were I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
Now orientation is over and I feel like I’ve lost a big chance at making friends, I’m starting to try to go out with my roommates when they invite me and I try to talk to new people at other social events, but I just haven’t felt like I’ve clicked with anyone or if I’ve had common interests, I haven’t been able to ask the other person if they want to do something together. Also, even though I don’t think I’m an ugly person, I’m definitely not the most stereo-typically attractive person and I don’t have a lot of the confidence that most of my roommates do, so I feel like whenever we meet other people I never get the chance to express myself because I feel that I’m unattractive or not as interesting because I have a more calm, reserved temperament.
I don’t want to stay in my dorm room all the time, but I have no reason to go out other than for errands because nobody invites me out. For example, today I thought I’d try to go outside and do some stuff where maybe other people could approach me or I could approach them, but after awhile I couldn’t think of a good reason to be outside other than to talk to people and I’m all alone while everyone else seems to have already found good friends, so I don’t think they want me to talk to them.
To make matters even worse I recently found out that my older brother has bipolar disorder and after looking at the symptoms with my parents we believe that I have something very similar, I have an appointment to get a referral for a psychiatrist this week, but it’s just really scary not knowing about my own mental state and feeling crazy and different from everyone around me without really knowing anything. I also feel like I can’t talk to people because they probably don’t want someone who might have bipolar disorder as a friend.
Classes are starting tomorrow, and I’m hoping that I can meet friends there, but for the time being I don’t think I’ve ever felt so utterly alone and unlikable in my entire life. I just want reassurance that I’ll be able to find people who I can become close friends with.