I’m currently about to finish up the first semester of freshman year at a very large university. To put it bluntly, I feel so lonely & isolated. I’m a naturally very introverted person, but when I am surrounded by extroverts or even accompanied by one outgoing friend, this shyness seems to melt away and I make friend easily. For this reason, I didn’t have much trouble making friends in high school. I am able to carry on conversations when people start them with me, but starting a conversation with someone is so difficult a lot of the time for whatever reason. My roommate is really nice, but we are so incompatible. I like partying occasinally, but strive for a balance. However, this isn’t the case for her. Every time she drinks she gets outrageously drunk & has puked all over our room on four different occasions, which everyone on our floor knows about and is grossed out by. On top of that, we have a lot of differing social views which typically wouldn’t bother me, but it’s the only thing she talks about. She is super shy too, though, which makes it hard for us to make friends. My family is urging me to request a roommate swap for next semester since they know about everything, but she is one of the only people I have here & I feel like if I do I’ll be alone. Plus, I don’t want to hurt her feelings since, as I said, she is a nice person. Aside from her & one other acquaintence (who is not even close enough that I’d call a friend) from one of my major classes, I have nobody. I’ve tried to reach out to people & I’ve joined clubs, volunteered, & gone through all the other motions yet haven’t gained any friendships from it. Everyone on my floor is so close, & I feel excluded from this as well since my roommate insists on keeping the door closed, and that was the main way people met each other in the first week. I feel like everyone already has established friend groups and it’s too late for me to tag along. All in all, I feel so lonely, and don’t know what to do to make friends. I feel so abnormal & pathetic & like there’s something wrong with me. Is this normal, and what can I do? Is anyone else in a similar situation?
It’s kind of you to worry about hurting your roommate’s feelings but she has repeatedly treated you disrespectfully with her behavior. You deserve better. I agree with your family that requesting a roommate swap is in order.
If you are unable to switch, you will have to have a talk with your roommate. You have a right to keep the door to your room open at times. You have a right to different topics of conversation. You have a right to not be repeatedly subjected to a vomiting drunk in your room.
The first two things will not happen magically. You will need to take actions to open the door at times when people are socializing and you will need to be the one to steer conversations to topics you want to discuss. The third thing…that’s a tough one. Does your college offer counseling services that could help with that? I’m at a loss for what else to suggest there.
The rest of the stuff…you gotta put yourself out there. It sounds like you have decent social skills as long as you don’t have to be the instigator of the social contact. Now is the time to take the next step and learn to be the proactive one. Friendships won’t happen until connections are made and not every connection needs to turn into a friendship. But you have to start building up connections.
I can reassure you it’s perfectly normal but all the others feeling the same way are also tucked away in their dorms feeling isolated so they won’t know about you either!
It’s also perfectly natural to feel you haven’t got any close friends at college yet as you’re used to having high school friends whom you’ve grown up with and understand you really well. Even those people who apparently have lots of friends will be feeling they don’t really know them at this stage of college life.
I’m now ancient, but when I was at college 30 years ago I knew a pleasant guy and he seemed to be fine. I met him again at a college event 25 years later and he explained he was going back to ‘exorcise the ghosts’ of his time there because he’d felt so isolated and didn’t fit in. He’s now a very successful medical consultant, doing just as well as his contemporaries but he had to wait until he was out in the ‘real world’ before he felt truly comfortable.
Well done for recognising this at this stage and please make sure you have some help in making things better so you can really enjoy the rest of your time at college. Is there an adult you can discuss this with who could make suggestions directly related to your situation? If not someone specifically allocated to help, then perhaps a chaplain or similar?
It’s definitely not too late to get involved in a social group but unfortunately at this stage it will need working at, even though you’re probably not feeling much like doing this at the moment. I hope you can get some good support soon.
Thinking of you!
I hear two issues…one your roommate and the second is that you haven’t connected yet with others. Both situations can improve.
Honestly, I don’t think your roommate sounds that bad but I do think you need some assertiveness training. You have to speak up to her and tell it to her like it is. You have every right to do that and need to do so ASAP. Then, if she doesn’t respond respectfully by making some changes, you need to part ways. First, you need to tell her that when she drinks, she had better make it to the bathroom! Vomiting all over your dorm room floor is absolutely not acceptable. Tell her this!!! Secondly, open the door to your room and when she tries to close it say, “no.” Be honest…tell her you want to get to know the others on the floor and that won’t happen with the door shut. You can do this. You can be straightforward with her. It sounds to me like you are a very nice person who hasn’t stood up for yourself in the past. This is what college life is about - growing and finding your voice. This is a simple example and I too am ancient like the previous poster but I will never forget when my roommate wasn’t making her bed. It was gross because during the day I’d have friends in or just be in the very small room alone. Her unmade bed didn’t make for a nice environment or provide a place for people to sit. I told her, “Make your bed” and gave her the reasons why. She never left it unmade again and we are still good friends today.
Secondly, keep going to classes, to clubs and activities and talk to people. You are bound to get to know people better. If you have time and it would make you feel better, make an appointment with a counselor at school. Sometimes just talking with someone will make you feel less alone. I guarantee lots of kids are feeling as you are on campus.
Lastly, give yourself a pat on the back. The first semester of college isn’t easy for many reasons and you’re just about there and I assume your grades are good. You’re doing a great job! Look at all you have accomplished and ways you have grown since August! Good for you!