<p>Well, I'm going to start this off by saying this is going to be a long story, please read it and help me. Well, I'm 18 years old and pay for my own college. I commute to school at a state college, (approx 30 min drive) and am dreading it. I also work as a hostess and cashier at a restaurant. I don't know why I'm having so many issues adjusting to college life. Looking around it seems like everyone else has adjusted relatively well, but I just can't seem to. I have social anxiety, which seems to be a contributing factor for not being as successful as I had hoped. If I am a few minutes late for class, or have a class with several students that show up early, I can't enter the classroom or else I have a panic attack thinking everyone in the classroom is staring at me which makes me want to avoid it. Worse off, if I miss a class I feel like the professor hates me and judges me, especially when I hand in work late, which makes me want to avoid the class even more. I have several at home issues, that impede on my ability to concentrate. I did very well in high school("A" student) and I never studied. Unfortunately though, at this point, I've hit rock bottom. I've missed so many classes I don't even know how many. I feel very depressed and stressed out, so much so that I cry almost daily. When I am stressed I get insomnia, and I can make myself physically sick from being mentally overwhelmed. Having a job stresses me out. My home life stresses me out. College stresses me out. I hate it. I hate everything about it. I hate the classes, I hate tests, I hate professors, I hate expectations being put on my shoulders. I hate all of it. What I find so funny is I wanted to become a neurologist. I don't lack the intellect, it's more the drive and mental/emotional capacity. I don't know what to do. My mother and my step-father are both without college education and therefore are very strict about me getting a degree that makes them proud, aka becoming a doctor, lawyer, etc. If I were to transfer or drop out they wouldn't understand. For some reason I just don't think it's for me. It's not my excuses, I just can't do it. Thinking about college makes me want to breakdown emotionally. I'm so backed up from work and so tired of lying to my professors about missing class that I just don't know what to do anymore. I get along with people easily and it's not that i'm lonely, I just...it's difficult to explain without being in my shoes. First semester was okay, I felt a little mal-adjusted but had no doubts that this semester would be better. Since the beginning of this semester my life has had a downward spiral and I don't see how it could get any lower. The only emotional support I receive is from my boyfriend of 4 years. My sister who is 4 years older than me maintains a perfect average in her community college and I am constantly put down and compared to her. For some reason, I just hate everything about my life right now. H-A-T-E it. Thinking about getting any type of degree for any long period of time makes me uneasy. I have been actively searching for a proper career for three years and I am in an undecided major program at a science and technology school. I can't decide on a major, and any that I think of just make me miserable because I feel defeated and unprepared.
Also, my parents will literally beat the living shit out of me mentally and possibly physically if I drop out or tell them I can't do this anymore. I wouldn't be able to deal with them being disappointed in me. So there's no use in that.
My job takes up almost all of my free time so there's no time for clubs and activities, and I can't afford to decrease the number of days that I work because I pay for my schooling.
I'm just at a loss at this point. I just don't know what to do. My college grades decreased, my work ethic decreased, my job performance decreased, my mental health is down the toilet. I just need some advice. Please. I don't want to be stuck at McDonald's forever, but I don't want to live this life that i'm in. It doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel like my life, or the life i'm supposed to live. </p>
<p>I somewhat understand your pain. I am in a semi-similar situation as well. I also battled with Social Anxiety growing up in HS and only kept a small group of friends. After graduating, I was the only one going to my college so I had to learn how to make new friends. In my first year, everything was going great with friends, school, life, and confidence in future goals and possibilities. All of that went down the drain after finding out I couldn’t return for my second year due to financial reasons. Traumatized of being seen as a failure, I made a panic attempt and choose a for profit school. Worst decision of my life. I had to pay out of pocket for the class I took there, because I didn’t stay the whole year. My parents were no help either as they are from the Caribbean so they know nothing about college. The entire year of 2013 was a endless mind routine, of work and home with no social life just to pay it off. Pretty much shot every ounce of confidence, self esteem, happiness etc. </p>
<p>I finally got the chance return to school in 2014, but it wasn’t the same. I had to stay home (which is a very isolating environment), and I had to keep my job (which is very physically enduring) along with my primary travel on Bike and Public Transportation. The mixture of a non existing social life, working 15 hours on a bike, along with traveling on the bike, and living at home (Major distraction when you are heavily relied on, arguments, etc) has made me even think about getting super wasted, or trying out drugs just to ease the stress. In my entire life I have never had the desire to smoke or do drugs, and I’m not into drinking at all, so its kinda crazy for me to even think about those things.</p>
<p>Mental heath is very much important to the human body. You are obviously under heavy stress, dealing with all of these things on your own, including the fact that you have to foot your own bill in school. Your honestly going to have to find someone to talk to that can help you calm down and help asses your situation for the best result. I recently went to see the Counseling Center in my school to get some guidance and help. Look to see if your school provides such services and use them. They can possibly provide you with scholarship opportunities, be a supporter when you need to address something with your parents, and help you deal with social anxiety, just by conversing. If you don’t have one in your school, then find someone you know who you trust to help guide you through this struggle.</p>
<p>The reason I haven’t done anything drastic after years of dealing with stress, emotions, and thoughts all on my own is because I have learn to keep a strong willpower. I see you have a lot more on your plate than I do, so I am sure you are strong as well. But I learned that we can’t do it on our own forever. You need a support system that will help you mentally and emotionally as well. Find out what the best option is good for you now and start improving from there. Nothing will ever work out if your mental health is deteriorating from all that stress. Good luck </p>