For context : this spring, I left my job to better help my mom and siblings care for my dad, who was 2 years in to serious decline. Spent most of mytime doing exactly that. Dad passed away at the end of July.
My siblings are handling various estate tasks and Mom is adjusting pretty well overall. Discussion of lifestyle/location change is tabled for now. They are all There, I am the faraway child. My DH will be working for 4-5 more years. Our kids are grown, partnered, and far away. I am discovering that I am, in a word, lost.
DH’s work is very demanding and very important. I feel like it’s my job to be sure his sliver of life outside that is calm, organized, and relatively stress free. He’s a great guy. I don’t really have friends (I know,it sounds maudlin) – you know, somebody you’d do something wih during the day. I’ve been ghosted and dumped and ignored; people are hard for me.
So I volunteer 2.5 mornings a week, and I run a major seasonal effort for our church (which we no longer actively attend bc reasons) . But the rest of the time I am aimless, purposeless, feeling embarassed to be sitting around. People comment “oh, must be nice to be retired” and I want to cry.
Looking for practical actions to take or ways to reframe. Sorry to go on and on.
I joined our volunteer fire department when I had an empty nest. I reached out saying “I am a 60 year old woman and I am not running into a burning building, can you use me?” And they replied “There’s a job for everyone!”. Which I have found to be true.
We only have a relatively short time left – ask yourself the big picture questions: what’s on your bucket list? On your deathbed, you don’t want to look back with regrets “I wish I did XYZ”. Can you come up with a list of things you’ve always wanted to do? Learn to bake bread? Paint? Start a Games Night? Garden? Take a course? Rescue dogs?
When my kids were little, I had them pick activities that fit physical, cultural, and service categories. I used a similar model for my retirement.
I found a MeetUp walking group and started some county run senior exercise classes. If you are not there yet age-wise, there are non-senior county classes.
I take classes in an adult learning program - the one in my local area is similar to OLLI.
I’ve started volunteering with a local food bank and the local Meals on Wheels program.
In all of these activities I have met some very nice folks.
Had an after class coffee one day with someone who suggested we take a different class the following session. We did and have become friends.
See what activities you can join with your local library - mine has- walking groups, line dancing, meditations, book clubs, art classes, movies, etc. Also, start reading, the best hobby there is. Maybe some other hobby that you never had time for - cooking, knitting, etc. How about doing a major clean up - great idea when your nest is empty to get rid of those years of accumulated stuff (go to the bag a week thread for ideas)?
I’d first check if you are feeling that way because of your loss. You could still be processing the loss rather than really in need of something to do. Observing friends and relatives, I saw many felt the way you are feeling. It was not because they needed something to do. Rather it was part of process. If that’s the case, allowing time to recover from it may help more than packing your day with things to do. Sorry for your loss. It think every death is hard even when you fully expect it
Already a lot of good actionable suggestions–I especially like the suggestion to find what you ever wanted to try and give it a whirl. And I would add–you don’t have to be good at it–don’t need to make mastery a goal unless that’s very important to you. Being an okay, or even terrible, potter is absolutely fine if you’re enjoying the feel of your fingers in the clay.
But also, a reframe. Maybe two. First, I believe your H’s work is hard and important. But so is the work of your life. I imagine you have spent much of your life, even when working full time, with the same goal of making his life easier. There is nothing wrong with that, IF it doesn’t make you feel like your life is less. Longtime posters here know that my H had that kind of job (innercity pediatritian, hours were insane) and I danced a happy dance when he changed careers because my life barely existed. If I could go back to my self of that time, I would tell her what I’m telling you–his job is not your job; his life is HIS life. Yes, when you have more time, you can be in charge of household routines, but don’t let that be a burden. YOUR life is important.
My second reframing is to get rid of the idea that if you are just hanging out, not doing “THINGS,” that you are wasting time. If you spend all day reading, or watching those old movies you haven’t seen in forty years, or sitting in the garden drinking a cup of coffee, or taking a walk around the block, that is all perfectly fine. I’d urge you to throw away societal expectations of productivity and goals. Enjoy your minutes, and don’t expect you always need to account for them. They are yours, and you have earned them.
When I quit work to care for my D, it took me awhile to figure out my new normal. When I left work as an older adult, I found that it took even longer to adjust. There aren’t any play groups that bring us older folks together!
Your recent experience will color things for awhile. My H felt the need to get cats after his dad died. I wasn’t thrilled, because it meant that the carefree travel filled retirement I had imagined wasn’t in the cards in quite the same way I had imagined. However, it was important for his recovery from grief. Make sure you are doing things that help you in your recovery.
As for filling your time in your new life, just add things as they speak to you. If your days aren’t jam packed, enjoy the spaces that allow you to just “be.” Do a word puzzle, read, watch tv, try a new recipe, take a walk, go to a class or event at the library. As time goes on, you’ll figure out what works for you. It’s not necessary to have it all figured out right now. You have lots of time to decide what fits your new life.
I can relate to so much of what you wrote and how you feel. My H’s job is the same and I feel my role is very much as you described. I also was part-time caregiver for my parents for years (while parenting my own child). I did go back to work after my parents died, part time, but honestly it was still too disruptive to our household scheduled because of the hours and I needed more flexibility.
We also had a move to a different state when our D started college so I had to recreate a social circle. I tried a bunch of different groups- some worked, some didn’t, and covid threw a wrench in a lot of stuff too.
I finally feel like I have a good routine and I’ve come to embrace the down time. Some things that have worked for me: daily exercise, forming a walking group, volunteering, setting aside time to talk with our D regularly, and connecting with extended family weekly.
I do have quite a bit of downtime, especially in the afternoon, and I would fret about “not being productive enough” but I’ve gotten over it. I’m back to voraciously reading, putzing in the garden, learned to bake bread and making more desserts from scratch, writing/journaling, and even occasionally sitting at the piano or drawing. And sometimes I watch mindless TV and it’s lovely ; )
I will also say that I’ve found a lot of companionship in my on-line communities too, CC included.
It’s a transition for sure and be gentle with yourself!
"My second reframing is to get rid of the idea that if you are just hanging out, not doing “THINGS,” that you are wasting time. "
Raised by Yankees, this is especially hard for me. My mom is also struggling with this, and I tell her after 90 years she is enough, just dispensing wisdom and being our anchor. I don’t feel like I have earned that. ( I was a SAHM for a decade and that felt important even though there are lots of empty hours, so there’s that)
I guess I just feel guilty taking classes or whatever when everyone else is working? DH is fine with it, is doing his own grieving too. These are good suggestions, I can see that.
Since you mentioned that your mother is also struggling with not doing something productive, here’s a suggestion: do an oral history with your mom, and help her turn it into a memoir/autobiography. Make a list of questions to ask her when you talk on the phone with her, and record her answers. Transcribe the questions and answers. There are many websites with prompts for memoir writing. Both my parents have died in the last 7 years, and there are so many things I wish I had thought to ask them about their lives. Perhaps both you and your mom could enjoy this activity and feel that it is meaningful.
I wish there was more acknowledgement of the fact that enjoying working (or even enjoying a particular career/job) can be very fulfilling to many people. I know that the ideal is “supposed to be” freedom from working but to many people work serves a very real need inside of them. It’s okay to miss a job especially if you left involuntarily.
That said I find it helpful to have somewhat of a schedule and a plan. When I was a SAHM and later when I retired, I clearly had things to do and I had treated my time like a job. Don’t hesitate to ive yourself breaks, you have been through a lot. It will take some time.
Totally agree, and I hope I didn’t come off as discounting that truth. My post was in response to OP’s request for ways to reframe. Definitely not meaning to denigrate the loss she feels.
@garland - no offense taken and I really wasn’t even thinking about your post. Just thinking sometimes we need to grieve not working even if society tells us otherwise.
I have a friend who retired in order to be more available to her ailing mom, who was still living on her own. Now mom is in assisted living and very stable. My friend is feeling like you. She misses working, her colleagues, commuting into the city, and being able to shop and dine in the city. She doesn’t like that she now has to think about the $$ she spends on things. She doesn’t like her unstructured days. She is looking for volunteer opportunities and has joined a gym where she also now plays pickle ball, but she still feels unsettled. She has told her previous employer that she would like to come back if anything opens up. There are good ideas mentioned above, but just want to validate that you are not alone in feeling unfulfilled in retirement.
I get it. I’ve been a SAHM for 18yrs. Until recently that was great, my days were filled with the kids, volunteering, driving everywhere, hanging out with other SAHMs. Now my youngest is driving, my oldest is in college and I’m a little lost. Many of my friends are working part time now or retiring to somewhere new.
I’m not really interested in trying to find a job after all these years of not working. My husband travels a lot and I’m trying to go with him more. I enjoy cooking and I’m trying to learn to really be an excellent cook. I exercise daily. I joined a book club and I still volunteer at my son’s school.
But I get it, it’s lonely at times. I have had to reorder my life to be ok with reading for an afternoon. Make myself go to the farmers market alone. Try to do new things. I’m getting there but it is a weird time.
H and I retired on the same day. Then H went back to work very part time (our parents died after that year). I volunteered at a national park (totally new for me) the same days he was working. Made friends with rangers and other volunteers. I took on house projects after learning from you tube videos- painting and repairs - got a mitre saw. Joined Instagram and Be Real with the adult kids who live in other states.
I was in a very similar situation to you a little over a year ago. I left an intense career to become a SAHM when my kids were young. I intended to go back at some point but never did and then a year before my youngest graduated from HS, my parents moved to my area so that I could help them as they aged. That lasted 9 years, my Dad passed away seven years ago and my Mom passed away last summer. The last year of her life was rough, she needed a lot of help and I was always on call. My husband is in a demanding career and will probably work 3-4 more years full time. I felt really lost also after my Mom passed. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to be doing. There was grief to work through. The time had passed for me to return to my career. I agree with what a lot of people have said to give yourself time and grace to figure it out. As some have said, see if there are any things that call out to you. Maybe a hobby that you didn’t have time for when you were working?
I spent the last year delving into a hobby, sewing and quilt making, that I had always wanted to spend more time at. I considered trying to make it into a business but decided that would probably suck some of the joy out of it. I also spent the last year getting much needed updates done to our house that had just been put off and that will wrap up in the next month or two. During the course of the year, though I am introverted and can spend a lot of time on my own, I started to feel isolated. Eventually last spring I realized that I wanted to try to get a job. I still have a drive to want to do something meaningful outside of myself and I didn’t think volunteering was the route I wanted to take. I ended up taking a part time job as a teaching assistant in a preschool. It is perfect for me because I really miss being around children since my kids have launched, it is part time so I still have time for myself and my hobbies, exercise etc. and I get holidays and summer off so I am still free to travel with my H and family for our usual trips and holidays. I also have gotten in the habit of daily yoga and exercise which helped a lot with my mental state after my Mom passed.
I think if you give yourself time and just explore things as they come to you you will find your way. I wouldn’t have been ready to take this job a year ago. Try to see what sparks joy, for me it is working with children. Take care
