<p>So, I am tired of prodding kids, advising them, planning and catering to kids and am hereby announcing my retirement from all of the above (i have 3-22, 19, 15). It seldom works out well meaning in the end I am to blame anyway. I tend to do all of the above alone as my husband does not participate in any of it....he enjoys a leisure life of long hikes, no conflict & little frustration (he does have a lot of stress at work). I don't know why it took this long for me to see the light but, I felt I would stick with it if I put it in writing. I have put all of them ahead of every aspect of my life for 22 years. I am vested. Onto my next adventure......maybe I will join the peace corp!</p>
<p>We're right wth you! We also have three, almost identical in ages. We have declared ourselves done many times only to be sucked right back in at the brink of the next big event or crisis. We take the pledge not because things don't necessarily work out well, or because of blame. It's just not healthy to make our needs so subordinate to our kids so disproportionately. Our lives seem to be fading away at times when the reality is that they will ultimately do what they want anyway once on their own. Lately, we've tried to focus on the kids less, and more on ourselves. Hard to do after so many years of relative neglect, but we are making progress.</p>
<p>Atlmom,
This is a very interesting concept. I think my H has already bought into it. We also have three, with the younger two being 16, 16. They think I'm nagging, and I keep telling them that I just want them to understand that they need to do their best so that THEY have choices when it comes to college applications. H, who does have tremendous work stress, has basically bowed out of the equation. I keep trying, but as FLVADAD so eloquently posted, I keep getting "sucked right back in." I will try to take to heart what Atlmom has posted. :)</p>
<p>I have 2 kids, 23 and 18, and I too have "retired". They are great boys but I really feel they are on their way to adulthood and capable of taking care of themselves. It's a liberating feeling when they go off to college. I feel like as parents we've done as much as we can to help them along to college, now the rest is up to them.</p>
<p>I researched for years about all their academics and college choices. I loved doing it, only had to prod a little. As much as I miss my second child away @ college it sure is fun not doing tons of laundry and cooking as much. </p>
<p>At some point they have to take ownership of all they do and be self-motivated. We can only do so much if they aren't motivated to acheive.</p>
<p>I decided in most countries 15 year old boys would be major bread earners for the family or out on their own. I have taught him every thing he needs to know as I did his sisters. He is independent, smart and capable. However, I think I have enabled my two older children to continue the cycle of dependence. I want them to swim on their own. I get sucked back in but just to take the blame it seems. Consider this our support group. PAGSIA (Parents against getting sucked in Again) Saw a tshirt....I can only please one person a day and today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either. I liked that!</p>
<p>Wow, Altmom...we also have 3 children at almost 23, 19, and 15. Since D2 left for college in August, I've found myself less inclined to be deeply intwined as before...even with D3. Perhaps, to make my intentions even clearer, I'm planning on retiring from my job of almost 32 yrs! :) Yes, it is definitely time to breathe deeper and longer. H & I are definitely planning more time to ourselves and our immediate future together. Ahh...D2 just phoned...she just returned to campus from visiting friends at UPenn. She's happy...and so am I!</p>
<p>Do I hear some helicopters landing and the motors being turned off?? :)</p>
<p>But I hope you all remember that all the work you put into the kids will pay off, so that they are well educated adults who can support themselves and their families. My sister didn't go to college until way later in life and still has a hard time supporting herself at the age of 53. My parents are *still *getting sucked in, well into their 70s.</p>
<p>This thread reminds me of an old Erma Bombeck quote.</p>
<p>
[quote]
Sterilize: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>OP: Does this also mean you will stop coming over here?</p>
<p>My eldest, 23, is now 'off the payroll' and we are in the 'consultant' phase with him. He is not asking for consultation, I do not offer it (I am practicing to be a good mother-in-law).The 21 year old has one more semester and will actively seek our advice, but I am 100% sure he will manage. The 13 year old could care less what we think.</p>
<p>Fortunately, or unfortunately, this all coincides with work changes that have decreased the time I have for either worry or micro-managing of my children by about 90%....</p>
<p>I hope it does not come home to roost in a few years, but I have no time to worry about that either!!</p>
<p>I understand where you are coming from atlmom, but I think maybe you should reconsider. In our case, D1 was just complicated. She didn't go to college and bounced in and out of our home a few times until she got married a year and a half ago, and now she seems happy and settled (except for some health problems, but that's unrelated). </p>
<p>S1 was an "easy" kid. He filled out every application without prompting from me. I did give him helpful info I learned here, but basically he was no problem. He's to graduate college in May and will have a recession-proof job in the Air Force.</p>
<p>S2....ahhhh S2. He's the one who made me want to throw in the towel. He is gifted artistically but very disorganized and fairly irresponsible. Getting him to get his apps in felt like I was carrying his not-so-little-anymore body around on my back. He was applying for film programs (4 of them + one safety) so there was even more supplemental stuff to turn in.</p>
<p>I was conflicted when I would read some posters here on cc who would warn that if the parent has to carry all the responsibility of getting the college apps in, then the kid is not ready to go to college. Maybe I persevered because I sure didn't want him living at home any longer! Well, he got accepted, left for school, and so far so good. He has only gotten back 2 grades out of his 5 classes (which I think is pretty ridiculous). One was a 94 on a test and one was an 81 on a paper (and it's an upper level class). He seems to be doing fine.</p>
<p>One day he did call and tell me that he had to miss Physical Training for ROTC that day because he couldn't find his car keys (they turned up later in a friend's room), then he overslept for a class, then he missed a meeting of an advisory board he had been chosen for because he forgot. I cringed, beat my head on my desk, then sighed and said to myself, "It's not my problem anymore."</p>
<p>Now this S undoubtedly thinks some of his problems are my fault. That goes with the territory. But, I think he will be fine in the long run, and I think he belongs in the college he's at, though he would not be there if I hadn't been on his back constantly during his senior year.</p>
<p>So all I am saying is that your youngest deserves an invested parent during his high school years like his sisters had. If you did something to encourage the dependence, then you should certainly look at how to change that with all of them, but don't give up!</p>