<p>I didn't have it in the fall, but now it's hit me hard. It's really not the missing her. I miss her some, but I'm totally ready for her to be off and living her life. I like having the house to myself, and the peace -- and the neatness! It's more the sort of relentless being alone. I'm actually a person who needs a lot of alone time, and I rather thrive on it, but this is way too much. </p>
<p>The details: I'm a single parent of an only child. My main work is from home, and I can't change that. I had a part-time job that I got last year to get me out of the house in preparation for her leaving, and I LOVED it, but that job has recently been eliminated. All of my friends work during the day and are busy/tired/involved in the weekday evenings, as am I (the tired part, anyway). Plus it's winter, more confined, etc. I have been looking for another part-time job, and have something that looks like it will come through. But the one I had before was my complete dream job, and this is not going to be that.</p>
<p>The ridiculous thing is: I know all of the things I should do (volunteer, therapy, take a class, whatever), and I don't want to do them. I guess that's a function of the mild depression/fear that comes with the empty nest syndrome, or maybe those just aren't the right things for me. Any suggestions on some very SMALL steps to take every day? They need to be small or I don't know if I'll be able to get myself to do them. </p>
<p>I'm so surprised to be having this problem, and I find it rather frightening.</p>
<p>First of all, sending good thoughts your way. </p>
<p>Reread your post yourself - you know exactly what you SHOULD do, you just need the motivation to do it. Slumps are easy to get in and hard to get out of.</p>
<p>You mention your "dream" part-time job you had. What was the field? Could you find something similar in a volunteer position that would give you the same satisfaction? Who knows, that could even help open the door(s) to a paid position!</p>
<p>Keeping yourself more active and busy will actually help your relationship with your daughter who is away. It will give you more to talk about when you have conversations together. Nothing more depressing than hearing all the exciting college talk from her when all you have to report back is that you finished your paid work at home and are all caught up on the laundry, dishes and cleaning. Blah. </p>
<p>How about exercise? Believe me, I know first hand (out my window) the mood that sets in when it's winter - and this has been a doozy of a winter! Can you get out to walk? Walk at a mall? Exercise at a facility? </p>
<p>Sounds like while you may not crave it, you NEED people contact.</p>
<p>Heron, if I remember correctly, didn't your D just transfer? I'll bet the first semester was uncertain for you, not knowing how her first school was going to work out. So it has to be a double whammy. I work from home, too, so I know the challenges. I find that going out for lunch or early-morning coffee with friends who work in "regular" jobs really helps. I also have some work-at-home friends. The human contact is important. I like the above poster's volunteer suggestion, too.</p>
<p>Heron, I work at home, too. I really understand what you mean. I know the things I should do,too, but just don't seem to have the energy or want to do them, they seemed to take too much effort. . </p>
<p>I did find that it helped to take small steps. Make sure I was out in the light in the morning. Maybe one of the natural lights would help. Also made sure I made a good breakfast, some protein, complex carbs, etc. It made some things better. I have to go out to some meetings and I made some lunch appointments to break up the day. But it is the evenings that are tough. Is there anyone who would sign up for exercise class or a walk with you so that both of you would help each other attend?</p>
<p>Heron--I'm at home too (job hunting). Singersmom has good advice--I meet a friend to run in the morning--it gets you out of the house (good feeling).</p>
<p>I also work from home, and have since D (college junior) was born. Like you, Heron, I thrive on solitude and need a lot of it. But I don't like total isolation! Just as Singersmom and Jolynne have said, getting out even for a short coffee with a friend is crucial. (Now that my youngest is in full-day school, I can even occasionally get into the city for lunch with full-time, office-working pals, and be back before his bus brings him home.) And an exercise routine really helps, too. </p>
<p>My nest won't be truly empty for 11 more years, but this fall the second of my older two will leave, and it will change our household profoundly. Returning to life as the parent, mainly, of a primary school kid is going to feel really, really odd. H and I have grown so happily used to sharing adult interests and conversations with our older two. That's what's going to feel empty nest-y to us, I think.</p>
<p>Not only the empty nest, but the cold and lack of sunlight can really affect you. I have 3 at home, but another freezing, snowing day really puts the kibbutz on energy and my to-do list. And like you, I know what I need to do to help myself overcome it, exercise, getting out of the house, meeting with friends, but the hibernation mode hits hard and I look for excuses to stay in my sweats and curl up with the computer. I know all this changes in the spring, but that looks like months away at the best case.</p>
<p>Same here, Harriet. I end up talking to 17-yo son about philosphical issues (debate church sermons, discuss politics) even more than w/hub. At this age they are so intelligent and mature it's a pleasure to talk to them (& their friends). </p>
<p>I'm also going to miss that a lot. Maybe son won't, though!</p>
<p>As far as small steps go, if I make the effort to get dressed completely first thing in the morning, putting on your "seen in public face", and even your shoes, it is a lot easier to then reach out to the outside world on a moment's notice, run to the store or meet up for coffee. If I have to still shower and dump my sweats mid day, I'm more likely to stay in. Now if I could only follow my own advice!</p>
<p>Jolynne, I do understand. And as fun as it can be to discuss SpongeBob, it sure isn't the same. </p>
<p>Lassie3, absolutely - I don't sit down at my desk until I look presentable. Not up to NYC office standards! But fine for a run out for coffee/groceries/volunteer meeting. It does make a difference.</p>
<p>Here are my "small steps" when I feel depression coming on:</p>
<p>Make from scratch something you usually buy ready made (rice pudding, brownies, pie crust, salsa). It is mildly time consuming but very satisfying and you can customize it.</p>
<p>Go two days in a row only using cash. Then go two days only using a credit card (Dunkin donuts lets you charge a cup of coffee, can you believe it?)</p>
<p>Go to a different grocery store and work backwards (you will absolutely forget things... hard to believe what creatures of habit we all are!)</p>
<p>Watch a trashy teenage girl show on TV (Gossip girls and that ilk) and then watch a trashy teenage boy show (Two and a Half Men is the stupidest/funniest show I've seen recently in this genre). Then ponder the fact that Men are from Mars, Women from Venus.</p>
<p>Recycle something you usually trash- I just found out that the little jars that chopped garlic come in are the perfect size for homemade salad dressing.</p>
<p>Eat three dinners in a row out of a vegetarian cookbook (if you usually eat meat) and try to make each night a different part of the world- Indian, Asian, Italian.</p>
<p>Teach yourself photoshop (if you don't know it) and scan a bunch of family photos and crop out the people you are no longer speaking to. Voila! So happy!</p>
<p>Call an old college friend out the blue.</p>
<p>Walk in to a travel agency and collect brochures from cruises you can't afford to take. Then go home and put on a pot of tea and be happy you don't have to interact with strangers for a whole week but look at nice pictures by yourself.</p>
<p>If none of this works.... could be time for serious intervention....</p>
<p>I can relate. Not sure why, but when D left after Christmas/semester break I found myself feeling very depressed. I did not have those feelings when she left as a freshman in the fall. She was back to school right after New Years, then came home for the long MLK weekend (uncharacteristic for her) to see BF of 2 years. When she left again, it took me days to shake off her leaving. It was almost worse that she came home and then left again. I do work in an office, so I get out. I can see where I could really feel isolated at home. I often look at work as an escape. But on weekends I have that feeling that I need to things but I just don't want to. I can just veg, and its almost paralyzing. While I don't have advice, I can tell you what you are feeling happens to others.</p>
<p>"I know all of the things I should do (volunteer, therapy, take a class, whatever), and I don't want to do them."</p>
<p>Unless you start participating in something, you cannot assess if you want it or not. I decided to take up totally new activity for me after work. I was amazed that I got hooked right away. It must be a good match in my case. Without that, I would have definately gone to some major depression despite working full time, having H., exercising for almost 2 hours every day, religion,.. etc. I guess, I needed something totally new to replace presence on my child at home.</p>
<p>Heron, I'm in a similar situation to you. I work from home, am single, and have an old child. My child is still at home, but still.</p>
<p>I've found it very helpful to set up a set schedule for myself so that everyday I know I get adult social interaction. Monday I volunteer for an hour, Tuesday night we participate in a trivia league, etc. I also had to force myself into volunteering, but it has been really good for me.</p>
<p>Heron, I am in a similar situation. If nothing else, you know you have company. </p>
<p>I've recently moved to a new community and I don't know a soul except my H. I moved right after the first of the year, 250 miles north, it's either snowed or has been below 0 every day since I moved here, some days it snows and is below 0! LOL!</p>
<p>I obviously don't have a job yet, I've pretty much unpacked and I have two kids in college so I don't want to spend any money. Besides I moved to a small town and they don't even have a Target.</p>
<p>My S is a junior and he never was a great communcator, plus he's really busy and not that talkative anyways. Fall semester, my D had mono, so she was sick and didn't meet as many people as she could. She also had a boyfriend and things were not going well so she called me a lot. This semester, she is finally feeling better and has met tons of people, she got a work study job and has other EC commitments. The boyfriend is also gone so she can't complain about that either. She doesn't have much time to call, I understand that, I'm happy that she's happy, but it doesn't give me a lot to do.</p>
<p>My H is trying to help and pay more attention to me, but he's busy, he has a new job, and lots of things he wants to accomplish.</p>
<p>I'm trying to get out every day and walk, it does make things better. One thing that a friend of mine did who is in a very similar situation, and this will sound crazy. She went to a chain bookstore and drank coffee in the evenings. I guess that it's busy at night with people like her, and after a while she met a group of people there. She really likes who she met and they meet in the evenings and have become friends. I know it sounds a little crazy, but it really worked for her. She didn't intend to meet people, she just needed to get out of the house and be around people.</p>
<p>And I almost forgot the best boost yet. In the first mini-empty nest (when the last one went to preschool :)) We got a dog. We are on our second one now. The dog curls up on the floor near me in the office, on my lap if I am sitting anywhere near a sofa and has to go out for walks several times a day (getting old). Another heart beating in the house is wonderful. </p>
<p>There are dogs in the pounds and rescue agencies that need adopting. Our last one was a 7 yr old min-poodle. Great choice - no puppy issues. We, like the Obamas, had to select for low allergens and poodles are great low allergen dogs.</p>
<p>Heron, I used to feel like that all the time when I was home years ago trying to work on a dissertation. I learned very quickly that I don't do at well with lots of unstructured time.
I also know exactly what you mean about needing solitude but not too much!
Lassie gives very good advice about getting showered and dressed. I was always bad at that.
Definitely get outside to walk even if it is cold.
I hesitate to suggest it because it's a big decision and responsibility, but what about a pet?
And is your work on a laptop? Can you do it someplace like Panera that has free wi-fi?
Hang in there! Spring will get here eventually. I wish you all the best.</p>
<p>Parent of an only child here. I work at home, but have clients, so I do get the human contact. Surprisingly, the empty nest is just starting to hit now. My S is a sophomore!! Last fall was too exciting to feel depressed. His excitement was contageous. I think that's why this time of year is harder. </p>
<p>It's been a tough winter- lots of snow, cold, etc. Here are some of the things I do to keep connected:
1. Try to walk at least 3 X per week, outside. It's great exercise and feels good.
2. Meet friends once in a while for coffee.
3. Get a good book and go to this little restaurant that I love - all by myself. It's a treat. I just sit and read and drink coffee. If I want to feel productive, I read professional journals (I get continuing ed credit for reading the articles and taking a test).
4. Think of my 3 nieces who have already graduated from college. They are all closer to their parents now than they ever were in college! </p>
<p>Good luck - I'm beginning to feel the empty nest more now, as he gets settled in at school. I think we suddenly realize that they're growing up.</p>
<p>I sympathize with all of you. My s is a freshman. Fall was very hard, as I only worked part-time, but I started a full-time job, which helps keep me busy, focused and feeling useful. Plus I'm with people all day. My husband had a harder time, which really surprised me. But he was the one taking s to college, while I stayed home. I think communication helps a lot. I speak with my s a couple of times a day, never for long, mostly he does the calling. There are things about the empty nest I like alot. I dont worry about meal time, easy to heat a bowl of soup or do breakfast for dinner with no children to worry about. Also the house is so clean, and our electric bill is cut in half, which will help pay the outrageous tuition bill!! Holiday break was too long s was home for 4 weeks!! Now winter break is coming up and he will be home in mid-february, which seems too soon. I've gotten to the point that I'm thrilled to see him when he comes home, and I'm glad when its time for him to go too.</p>
<p>I so understand...I feel our house echoes the silence. Two are away and I still have a junior at home who needs me hardly in comparison to the years gone by with all 3 doing a zillion things. Its the long future stretching ahead that scares me. I, like you, know the things I should do...after all it would have been the advice I would normally give anyone who needed it...but I too have no desire to do them...I can only think that time will help...when you are ready to make a change, you will make it. I am not a single mother but to be honest, its still lonely.</p>