<p>Thanks to all for the interesting replies in this thread. I’ll try to sum up some issues I think were written about better by others than I could have written about them myself. 
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<p>I agree with the implication of the quoted rhetorical question, and agree with the quoted statement. That got me thinking. What I was reacting to in my original post is what I would characterize as GRATUITOUS disappointment imposed on a learner by outside expectations (possibly from classmates, possibly from parents) rather than growing out of a learner’s personal goals. Learners who have reasonable amounts of ambition will occasionally reach farther than they can grasp, but I think as a parent part of my job is to make sure my children define their goals in terms of processes they engage in rather than in terms of results of the decisions of others. </p>
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<p>I like this formulation. It’s realistic and allows learners to develop lots of resilience when facing that I agree are inevitable disappointments. A parent’s job is not to shield a child from all disappointments, but to help a child learn to consistently bounce back from disappointments. I especially like the turn of phrase “Deal with the disappointments as an opportunity to make the most of your other opportunities.” </p>
<p>My son does have favorite colleges at the moment (as I think I made clear in my original post). He will surely apply to them. Indeed, the way I have ascertained his favorite colleges is to ask him from time to time, “Based on what you know today about yourself and about various colleges, which colleges do you expect to apply to when it’s time to apply.” He usually names seven or eight different colleges, but two of those (“College X” and “College Y”) are always the first two he names. If I were writing his college application list, I might insert different colleges in it, 
but I think HIS list is based on a reasonable degree of self-knowledge by a high school student and a reasonable degree of knowledge about the different colleges. (We have attended quite a few regional information sessions about various colleges, including all the colleges on his list, in town. We also know alumni or current students at most of those colleges, often through my son’s summer program classmates or my wife’s piano students.) </p>
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<p>I agree with this statement as it was made. I disagree with any factual assumption that anyone can avoid disappointment. Disappointment happens to everyone sooner or later. </p>
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<p>I agree with this too. I definitely encourage my oldest son to apply to any college that he is interested in. I will do the same for my three younger children. I believe that students have the right to aim high, but who gives them a right to hit their target? As to the point of this thread, is a student better off to define a goal of “I will definitely get into [insert name of famous college here]” or a goal of “I will learn a lot in my high school years and submit carefully prepared applications to every college I like”? Either way, the student is aiming high. </p>
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<p>The second sentence is precisely the advice I give to other families and to my own children. I think a search on CC will find threads in which I advise applying to a lot of places and seeing what offers result. </p>
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<p>I think that’s right. </p>
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<p>This is what I am least sure about. I don’t know how consequential the difference between a reasonably good state flagship university and a famous highly selective private university is. Maybe it’s of no consequence for my son’s pursuit of his personal goals–I have no idea. </p>
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<p>Yes, Yale is a college my son is thinking about (it is neither “College X” nor “College Y” for him, but probably will end up on his application list), but I don’t know and he doesn’t know whether it will make a big difference for his future, if he happens to be admitted. How could we know this, on the individual level? (Which is another way of asking, why should a parent set up a home atmosphere of a child feeling like a failure if not admitted to his favorite college?) </p>
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<p>Yes, I am in agreement with this, and my children have a lot to say about what they study. </p>
<p>There were other great comments in this thread, and maybe I’ll respond to more of them in a while. I hope it’s clear (as it should be from many other posts I’ve put on CC) that I encourage young people to set high learning standards for themselves, to apply widely to a variety of colleges, and not to invest too much personal emotion into the decision of an anonymous committee made for institutional reasons.</p>