Advice and critique on my UC Personal Statement?

<p>i feel like my essay is too concentrated on my family and their upbringing but i have only read a few other examples of essays. i would just like to know how i can fix it and where. it may feel a bit rushed and dont mind the grammar mistakes this is only a rough draft. thanks!</p>

<p>I have had a very unique and different life amongst the others of my community and close family. I will have more experiences than most people will have in their first 30 years of life compared to my 16 years. I have a very controversial background in my family. My father is a Muslim self-made-man from Lebanon who married my mother, a white woman with a not so common life experience. My father came to America with the motivation from my grandfather, to study in America and not share the common life of my grandfather, being a tailor. He studied mechanical engineering at the University of Arizona and got his masters at the University of Washington, his college achievement is what has kept my family afloat through this economy.
My mother was just part of a typical white family in Los Angeles until my grandfather, after the divorce, decided to go gold prospecting in Mexico, she was only 10 years old. The town they went to was very small, only consisting of about 50 people, she was stuck there for 7 years until she turned 17 years old, my grandfather allowed her to go back to the United States and educate herself which is where she met my father in their French class at the U of A.
My father’s life is very cliché when seen through the eyes of an American. He escaped a foreign country under war to study in America and create family, but his is different, most of those immigrants are not as successful and happy as he is. His childhood was very complicated; he lived by the day during the war. He tells me stories about how he had to go to the bakery for bread because he was the oldest son; each trip was a fight for life. Some bread shops would be rigged with bombs, the worst that could happen is for it to explode but the usual trek back home was filled with running and bullet dodging, this was always a given. On top of these hard times in Lebanon was the discrimination he faced in America, especially from the family of my mother. He strived through it and married her in 1991; my oldest brother was born two years later in 93, I in 95, and the littlest in 97.
As a child I was always good at making and finding money. When I was in the 4th grade I set up a lemonade stand on my street and sold to people driving by, I was obsessed with Legos and my goal was to make 100$ to buy a Lego Star Wars set that I wanted. I had to attract people’s attention by dressing up as a clown and dancing on the curb and for this I was tipped extra money which felt great just holding the cash I had earned. I completed my $100 mark and reached the goal of owning the Star Wars Lego I always wanted. Examples like this are what shape me to my dreams of becoming a business man with wit and new ideas to attract buyers to my side of the playing field.
My life in America as this half white half Lebanese teenager is a result of where I come from. I have huge amounts of respect for both of my parents; they are the foundation of my life. Every single choice I make they come to mind, such as what schools to apply to, what to study, and the basic conflicts of the social life as a teenager, they influenced who I am and the way I see things. I like to categorize myself as very different amongst the others of my age and grade. I have been to many countries throughout my 16 years of living, Germany, Austria, England, France, Italy, Costa Rica, Mexico, Egypt, and of course Lebanon. People constantly mistake me for being white, but I don’t see myself as just white, I see myself as a Mexican, Lebanese, German, Parisian, Egyptian and a part of every place I’ve been too, living in the body of a white teenager. Knowing my background and heritage has shaped me into the person I am today, judge mental, realistic, intuitive, and compassionate, but I couldn’t have done it without my family and life experiences.</p>

<p>The part when you take about how you are good at making/finding money can be good for the other UC essay. It does not really fit well on what you are describing about your world.</p>

<p>Your essay talks way to much about your parents. This needs to be about how your world affect what you want to do. Talking about your parents history is not suffice for your world. Plus, traveling the world, making money, and your parents history does not make you unique. There are plenty of kids that have the same experiences as you. I feel the statements that describes you as being Mexican, Egyptian,etc, is faulty because you just traveled to these places. Have they effected the way you live? I think you need to rewrite the whole thing and talk about you and how you see your world. Sure add your parents in this essay because you want the reader to know where the applicant is coming from but keep it to a minimum. I know I am being harsh but UC apps are almost due, so I am trying to help you.</p>

<p>First, NEVER EVER post an entire essay on internet…I don’t know when will people get that.
Okay moving onto your essay:
1.) You sound WAY TOO egotistic when you say ppl with 30 years of living have less experience than you do. Never say something like that in your essay.
2.) Colleges do not care about your parents and their struggles/accomplishments! Shorten the first 2 giant paragraphs into 2-3 sentences. Colleges want to know more about YOU.
3.) The only useful paragraph in this essay is the raising money (selling lemonade) part, but even that can be shortened to ~2-3 sentences.<br>
4.) ALWAYS try to include as much about YOU and how amazing YOU are in your essay (it doesn’t matter what the prompt is-describe the world you come from and show what amazing things you have accomplished in that world).</p>

<p>YES! these were the answers i was looking for i was thinking about rewriting it anyways but i didnt know what to keep and what not to keep. thanks for the info!</p>