No way to say all top colleges ignore the LoRs. They’re a valuable look at what a classroom teacher thinks. The higher the competition, the more these matter.
Rather than search out colleges that don’t require them, the simpler step is to go make nice with some teachers now. One easy way is to go speak to a few, with an intelligent question. That’s different than homework help or asking about a test. Have her come up with a good one that shows her interest and thinking.
@violinist018 Much good advice. I’ll reiterate a few points. We are at a suburban Boston HS that is probably much like your daughter’s school. I hear all the same things: SATs MUST be over 1550 and one of those two scores MUST be an 800; B+ is the kiss of death; two A- in a year is the kiss of death. Blah blah blah. My kids were 3.4ish 31 ACT kids…so good nationally but not near the top of their school. But they literally would tell people how dumb they were because this is the message they felt like they heard at school.
First, make sure she is talking to a therapist. She needs a safe place to discuss these feelings. A school counselor or school psychologist will not feel safe to her and for my kids were more harmful than helpful. (It’s sort of like they don’t understand the culture at their own schools.) Second, work with her now to chart a different path…HER path. Figure out what she likes or thinks she wants to study. Figure out if she likes urban schools, suburban schools, schools in college towns. Then do the work to figure out where those schools are and give her options to look at. And figure out what you can afford. I know the UVA and VT are amazing deals for VA residents. If you can afford a Michigan (great school; I did my grad work there), then find other that work as well.
The key is to try to get her out of this comparison and competition to her classmates. Life is not a sprint but a long paced jog. Be her biggest fan. She may not show it to you all the time but having you in her corner will, over time, provide her tremendous strength. Good luck!
I hate teacher recommendation requirements. Too much room for bias and error, not to mention that any recommendation must reflect at least in part the teacher’s ability and qualities, not the student’s.
But they are asked for, by many. Not sure why she can’t tackle this. It’s a life skill shell need in college, as well.
I told mine that, in college, making oneself known can also help a grade, when there’s question. If a teacher knows a kid is engaged and thinking. It’s a form of self advocating and proactive.
Parents often inadvertently convey information to their kids. A high school student may worry about disappointing a parent who is hoping his/her kid will attend a highly selective school. Words from the parent intended to allay those fears won’t do so as long as the parent harbors hopes for a selective school. Posts by violinist018 broadcasts anxiety about whether the daughter is good enough. Is that the daughter or the parent writing the posts?
My kids got into some good schools and I don’t think high school classes, grades or teachers had much to do with it at all. But we intentionally had them in a low stress school. Most valuable learning happened outside of school. They had plenty of free time to pursue interests which was, for them, better than worrying about class rigor and grades and admissions results were probably better.
I believe the school has changed a lot in the last 10 years which is a shame. I hear reports that stress levels are high. Maybe admissions results are better but I doubt it.
I meant to say DC schools, not SC! However, I will mention that Pitt has very nice merit packages and rolling admissions. I know several folks who took the merit $$ and went there, had a terrific experience, and went on to funded grad school programs. Think outside the box.
Sorry for the late response to these wonderful comments. Yes, this is my daughter’s account, I’m not sure how to navigate this website so she taught me how to using her account.
She is doing much. It was helpful to tell her a few things that were mentioned here:
To be confident in her abilities. She is taking hard classes at the same level as her peers in school (and doing well), doing some amazing ECs, and has a good class rank (even though she is stressed about the fact that she is top ~12% and not 10%).
I personally don’t think it keeps her out of the running for colleges like UVA and VT, but I’m new to this process so I’m not sure about this. If someone could give me insight on this that would be great, though.
All the colleges she is looking at in VA are amazing. She really resonated with the "bloom where you're planted" quote she is starting to understand that she can be successful wherever she goes because of her work ethic and passion for the things she loves.\
There is a lot more to choosing a college than prestige: scholarships, how it fits the student, programs, environment etc. And she can always have another shot at her dream schools for grad school if she doesn't get in.
Thank you all so much. This has been such a big help for us!
Lots of good advice already. I’ll chime in with a few more thoughts.
Get her the Fiske Guide if she doesn't have it already. My twins (HS - 2014) found this guide the most honest. Covers social vibe as well as academics.
As for teacher recommendations, seek out teachers she has/knows who don't perpetually get asked. A popular AP teacher who writes 50 - 100 recs a year may not take the same time and care as one who is only asked once in awhile. You want a teacher who is thrilled to be asked. If a teacher offers to write a letter for you, take them up on the offer. This generally means they are eager to say very nice things.
Be prepared for her list to change radically between now and when most apps are due next December. Make sure you've got several EA schools where she is at the 75% stat level on the list. Getting that first "yes" is a big relief.
Encourage her NOT to share her list with all of her friends. She can say she's applying to quite a few VA schools plus some out-of-states, looking at some LACs as well.
What are your/her summer plans? Schedule a few visits to schools. She should also find something meaningful to do that fits with her interests--this could be volunteering, working part-time, shadowing/interning, or attending a summer program in the field she's interested in.
Where is she with testing??? If at all possible, it's great to be DONE with ACT/SAT/Subject tests before senior year starts. It's a HUGE relief and reduces stress. Ditto with the Common App essay.
Revise her list at the end of the summer. Make sure it's balanced with Safety-Match-Reach. Have her sign up and follow the schools on social media.