Hi, so I’ve seen a couple of these but I feel like most of the advice is the same and I decided to post so that maybe someone could give advice specifically for me and maybe it will help me feel better.
So I just started at a college that’s 2.5 hours away from home. And I’m really close to my family so I’ve never really been away from them before*. So I moved in a week ago but the day before move in day I got sick so my parents and I decided that instead of being in a new place and being sick and getting other people sick, that I would just move in all of my stuff and go home with them. So a few days after that (right before classes started) they dropped me back at the campus. And after a tearful goodbye (they were really sad but I wasn’t really feeling emotional at the time so I was fine) they left. Then i started organizing my room but after an hour I started feeling really weird. And every time I’m in my room I get that weird uncomfortable feeing in the pit of my stomach, and then I start thinking, and then I get teary and kind of weepy. Usually I’m the kind of person that likes being alone and is content to just sit in my room or lie down and do nothing or go on the Internet and watch videos and stuff but I found that I can’t do that here. That uncomfortable feeling is always there and keeps me from being comfortable enough to do those things. So I haven’t watched any of my shows since I got here. And I also realized that I haven’t been eating very well too. Like I’ll make sure I always get food but then I just poke at it and take a few small bites and trash it.
The other problem is that I’ve found that most people here already have friends, mostly friends from high school, and aren’t really looking for more friends.
My roommate is really nice and she’ll talk to me when she’s here and we’ve gone to get food together a few times but she has her own friends and she’s usually out and hanging out with them (and she’s actually told me that she hates bringing new people into her friend groups-but it was about someone else and she didn’t say it rudely).
And when I did actually talk to a new person the other day, while we were talking and hanging out, she told me that she felt kind of lonely here too (and I got kind of excited because two lonely people means a possible friendship) but then she mentioned that she’s just biding her time until her 2 best friends from high school come for the spring semester.
I honestly don’t know what to do. I feel really bad and homesick and just not happy at all.
And my parents call me every night and I haven’t told them about my homesickness (I’ve been telling them that I’m perfectly fine). And they suggested that I come home for the weekend. And I don’t know whether to do it or not because I’ve heard that you shouldn’t visit for a while after first moving in or it just gets harder to get used to it.
I think the other problem I have is that I’m not comfortable with anything here either. Like its a new (small) bed, new (small) showers and bathrooms, new space, and just new stuff in general. Also the food is definitely a lot different than what I’m used to.
I’ve actually started contemplating transferring to a college closer to home. But I’m guessing that by the time it’s time to do that I might already be settled and content here.
So if anyone has actually read this whole thing, do you have any advice to make me feel less homesick and empty inside? (I’m actually kind of tired of getting emotional and feeling that uncomfortable feeling)
Also do you think I should go home this weekend? I really wanna go just to go back and be comfortable and happy and recharge before having to come back and face another week but I don’t want this visit to end up making this terrible feeling worse next week.
*also I have been to sleepovers and camps where I stayed somewhere for a few days overnight but I never felt it there because I guess I knew that I would be home quickly and that it wasn’t a permanent situation (which is why I started feeling it after only an hour of being here)
Going home this weekend is a very bad idea. I know it feels like the comfortable thing to do, but at some point you are going to need to spend your weekends at school, so you can’t get used to the idea of going home. This is obviously unhelpful now, but you probably shouldn’t have gone home when you were sick - move in week is when everyone is getting to know each other and making their first connections. The good news is these “friendships” are often transient and you haven’t missed the boat or anything, it’s just probably why it seems like everyone already has friends.
As someone who went to their state school with around 40 people from high school, I guarantee it’s not the case that everyone comes with an entire social circle and they aren’t looking for more. I know it seems that way, but you can’t keep making excuses - you have to be a little proactive here. Take the initiative to talk to people. Sit down next to people in class and start a conversation - where are you from? What dorm are you living in? What do you want to major in? How are you liking it so far? In the beginning of the year, these conversations are common, expected, and will get you somewhere.
Are you going to things on campus? Joining clubs? Keeping your door open?
These feelings are incredibly common. I’ve been on cc for years and an enormous crop of these posts come up every year around this time. It happened to me, too. I spent the first few weeks of school crying and feeling so lonely. My mom actually texted me today to tell me that our family friend has been crying and begging to go home after her first day. I said “yeah, I did that too, remember?” and she said “well I remember you were a bit homesick but you weren’t begging to go home!” The funny thing is that I actually was. She just didn’t remember because after those first weeks I got completely settled and had the best college experience ever and I now miss my school so much. It’s totally normal and you are not the only person on your campus feeling this way. I graduated last year, I’m now a functioning adult, I got a full-time job, moved out to an apartment in Manhattan, but recently went home for a few weeks - when I got back to my apartment after my little summer vacation, I felt the same freaking pangs of homesickness I did those first few weeks of college! It’s human nature, but it does get better, I promise.
Being away from home for the first time is tough. I think it is important as kids grow up that they go to overnight camps and events that allow them to learn how to be away from family.
I went to a school that was 10 hours away from where I grew up and there was Zero people from my hometown and I only met 1 person who was from a town about an hour from where I grew up. My freshman year, my room mate was a transfer in and a Junior so he was already a few years older than me. I did meet some people during our welcome week and I met a few guy’s in the dorm but they all were local people and already had their group of friends.
For me it was about finding my niche and that is a part of why I went through Greek Rush and joined a Fraternity. That helped me a great deal with getting me through being away. I know others that joined other non Greek clubs so I would suggest that you find a club on campus that you have an interest in and go to one of their meetings.
Friendships are built over time so you can’t expect to talk to someone and immediately become BFF’s. You have to let the process work.
While you may feel like you are alone, I guarantee there are a lot of other Freshman on campus that are going through the same thing you are. I would encourage you to not go home and try to stay on campus and find things to do. I also would maybe cut back on the daily talks with the parents. I actually feel that makes it harder to get over the homesick feeling. I would try to go every other night, and then maybe go to every 3rd, night, etc. until you get to a comfortable frequency. I used to talk to my parents only on Sunday evenings.
Not sure what school you are at but I know in my school the weekends were where I started to meet and spend more quality time with others to build those friendships. Going to the football games or other campus activities was a big help for me. If you go home on the weekends then you are letting those opportunities pass you bye.
Could you go home? Of course. Should you go home now? No.
College is not permanent. Visiting home is always an option. Think of this time like an extended sleep away camp with lots of fun activities to chose from. Like others have said, find an activity that looks interesting. Ask your RA for suggestions. Maybe she knows others that are interested in the same thing as you. You can try more than one activity.
For example, see if your school has a fall sport that needs students to fill the home game cheering section at both the men’s and women’s games. Some schools pay (or reduced cost) to take a cheering section to an away game. A bonus would be If any game happens to be televised, then you could tell your parents to look for you on TV (you might be the card holder/dot on the left side etc)
Your school might offer a weekend day trip to a local apple/pumpkin picking farm or a corn maze. See if your major has any activities/organizations for you to participate in. See if your rec center/gym has something you might like or just go work out/swim/join intermural etc.
As far as food, check to see if your dining hall has options where you can adjust or do special request. Maybe your campus has more than one dining hall and it offers something different. Maybe there is a microwave food you used to eat at home that can be eaten at school.
Something to ponder… If you met a middle schooler or high schooler starting at a new school, what advice would you give them to help with their transition?
Hang out with the girl who is waiting for her friends. Spring semester is a long way off.
Try to find a couple of clubs or activities that will allow you to meet people who like what you do.
I am going to guess that most people are hanging out with people they know because they too have trouble meeting new people. Many high school friendships wane over 4 years of college.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other. It will take a while to get settled. This isn’t easy, but you’re doing fine. It’s a myth that you get to college and are instantaneously deliriously happy. Hang in there!
Have you seen Amy Cuddy’s “fake it til you make it” TED talk? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ks-_Mh1QhMc Act like someone who is sociable and having a great time at school, and you might actually begin to feel that way.
Don’t hide/lie to your parents about how you are feeling. You aren’t protecting them when you do that, and by being honest with them you give them a chance to support you emotionally.