I’ve posted here a lot. If you want to check out my previous posts for more context feel free. Essentially, I went to Emory last year, transferred to UPenn. I transferred because I thought Penn would have a much better astronomy/astrophysics program. I think I also wanted to go to a “better” school, academically speaking (and Penn has a great reputation for jobs to be completely real). A part of it was also a spur of the moment, let’s go on an adventure sort of thing, even though I truly loved Emory and all of my friends there.
I went in thinking that if things went poor, I would make the most of it. I would do everything possible to make it my campus and find happiness there. And I did. I joined a bunch of clubs. I made some friends in those clubs. I tried to make my room homey. I pushed myself to go out on adventures and do all these things. When I first got here, things weren’t so great. I immediately felt isolated and uncomfortable. I had trouble finding things that I liked about the campus. My mental state quickly deteoriated and I just felt trapped.
I thought this feeling would go away over time. A lot of people tried to tell me just that, especially people close to me who, part of me thinks, only kept pushing that it would get better because they wholeheartedly supported my transfer decision in the first place, and if I suddenly didn’t like it, they’d feel like they were partially at fault. So, most everyone around me is useless to talk to. Since a lot of them keep pushing the same rhetoric that things will get better, just keep trying, etc. And quite frankly, I’m tired of it. I know that rhetoric. If I didn’t know it, I wouldn’t have put all my energy into waiting it out and trying to do whatever I possibly could to make it better.
And even now, I’m transferring dorms to see if that helps by giving me a community. I told myself I’d do one more semester (because there’s nothing to lose – this way, at least I can take my credits with me if I have to transfer again) and I’d see how it goes. But honestly, already I’m getting such bad vibes. There’s literal a single dorm on campus with a community and a couple people from that dorm have even told me that it’s not a great one.
So essentially, I’ve started to realize, through my time on campus, that I think there is a problem on Penn’s campus. I like to believe, too, that anything can be made great if you try hard. But I don’t think that’s always true. Because sometimes, campuses are set up in ways that simply negatively impact your mental health. On Penn’s campus, everything is so pre-professional you literally cannot escape. Everyone only wants to talk about work. And if you’re not doing an internship over the summer, you’re seemingly shamed because you’re not ambitious enough or try-hard enough. And that’s the entire environment. It’s so unbelievably toxic I can’t even breathe. It made me nearly switch my major to something more practical (until I realized it wasn’t at all what I wanted).
On top of that, maybe it’s just me, but I literally cannot find a single community. The dorms are terrible. The only way to make friends seems to be if you’re in a freshmen dorm, which I missed out on as a transfer (and they sure as hell didn’t even try helping me as a transfer student). Other communities (clubs, etc) are also work-based and continue this toxic environment.
But beyond all that, I’m realizing the reason I transferred here in the first place is also null now. Because I thought I’d come somewhere with a ton of astronomy opportunities. Sure, they have a handful of astrophysics research chances, but quite frankly, it’s not that much better than Emory. And honestly, if I want to do astrobiology or astrochemistry like I’m considering, I have yet to see a single opportunity in either category. And at least at Emory they had one or two that I almost joined.
Oh, and I don’t think I’m the only one who feels this way. They have an anon confessions page where everyday it’s just people posting about how depressed and lonely and overstressed they are and how they want to drop out. Like I have yet to talk to someone who’s wholeheartedly like “omg love penn best place ever.” It feels like everyone I talk to asks me if I like it to prove to themselves that it is the campus that’s messed up and not them.
There’s so much more I could rant about. I’m mad at the administration for being useless and unresponsive and unhelpful in most situations. I’m mad at how we’re in the middle of this claustrophobic city where it really doesn’t feel like Penn has a campus. But most of all, I’m mad at all the times I’ve been told to just stick through it and suck it up because it WILL get better when most people literally do not understand what it is like here. So, I’m not looking for comments like that. Sure, you can say them, but I’ve heard them already.
Really, I’m just looking for maybe a bit of hope. Is there anyone here who went to Penn and found it to be like I described above, but it got better? And does anyone have similar experiences and know how I can get out of this mess. I don’t want to transfer again. I could go back to Emory. I’m afraid things will be different and I’ll dislike it, but I could go back. Or I could go somewhere else. But honestly none of that even sounds enticing because I’m so tired of jumping around. I just know I can’t live like this much longer. I went on winter break and it reminded me of like what it felt like to not be massively depressed and anxious 24/7. Like I had to go to urgent care last semester because my anxiety got so bad and I genuinely thought I was dying.
I’ve only been on campus for a day and I feel like I’m dying again so (insert thumbs up)
That was a long rant. Help. Thanks.
