Advice please - Flunking son dilemma of parental involvement

<p>I was in a similar situation with my son, who is very bright, and went to the college of his choice on a virtually full merit scholarship. By the end of first semester, he had a below 1.0 average, which is darned hard to do particularly when he was one of the smartest students in the freshman class.</p>

<p>My husband and I did what we could including arranging for my husband to fly 1,000 miles to the university to meet with S and his advisor (S had to agree to this, which he readily did). Despite the college's giving S some major assistance with study skills, and extending his scholarship for one more semester, S's second semester grades were just as bad.</p>

<p>It is important for you to realize that there probably is nothing that you can do to help your S except hold him accountable for his actions. If the car is in his name, he can legally keep it, and if the bills are in your name, you are stuck. However, you don't need to pay his insurance, give him an allowance or give him a rent-free place to live if he flunks out and decides to come home. The more you hold him responsible for the consequences of his bad decisions, the greater the chance is that he'll learn from his mistakes and then turn his life around. </p>

<p>My S, 22, continues to say that he doesn't need college but we have told him that if he decides to go back, if he funds himself for one year and gets a 3.0 average, my husband and I will help him out with his expenses. We have not bought him a car or helped in any way with his post college expenses except to pay his health insurance, and once my husband gave him some money to buy clothes to interview for jobs. </p>

<p>After the unhelpful intervention of relatives who thought they were helping by allowing S to live with them rent free and giving him $ to help pay for a car, S is now having to work a job to pay for an apartment he living in with a male friend. I have noted that he seems to be more aware of what kind of life he will live without a college degree. Progress, however, is slow, but I take hope from the fact that when I was a college prof, some of my best students were guys who had flunked out of college when they were young and hardheaded, but returned in their late 20s or early 30s and excelled because they knew how important college is. </p>

<p>I know how hard it is to watch a beloved offspring mess up a good college opportunity. I wish you well and I hope your S wakes up soon. Just realize that his behavior isn't your fault, and other than holding him responsible fo the consequences, there probably isn't much you can do to turn him around.</p>

<p>I am uneasy about jlauer's suggestion that you take the car.</p>

<p>Your son might report it stolen, not thinking that it was you who removed it. The police might not take kindly to the extra and unnecessary work this would inflict upon them.</p>

<p>Whose name is the car registration in? Whose name is the insurance in?</p>

<p>My D has a HS scholarship, they ask US to send in her grades, there is a trust component there, the school doesnt pay much attention to the details of the scholarship $$, the GPA needed, etc., so if they get the $$, fine with them, the scholarship people have permission to check the grades but so far they have trusted what we send them</p>

<p>How hard to whiteout stuff etc....which is what the OP alluded to....so does the scholarship rely on student keeping them updated, or the college? that is an important question to know, what to do about it, not so sure...</p>

<p>I am wondering about the "honors" dorm ,which sounds lke a big ole mess...with so many kids leaving it, has the school not noticed a HUGE problem? That to me shows a giant red flag that a number of kids had to be pulled or whatever from those circumstances....</p>

<p>If there was such a problem with a # of kids, I too would doubt the resources available for kids to get help...</p>

<p>what other $$ does he have? Sorry your son is being such a jerk, but he is...</p>

<p>I think you just need to let it go...he has made his choices, bad ones, but if he did anything with regards to giving incorrect information to the scholarship people, he could be in trouble....</p>

<p>The OP has stated that the car is registered and insured by her. If she has been unable to reach her son by phone, mail or in person, clearly he is avoiding her. Since she is legally and financially liable for the vehicle, she could send the S a registered letter that he would have to sign for stating that she wants the vehicle returned to her by such and such date. If it is not back in her driveway on that date she will report the vehicle stolen and let the police deal with it. I would not carry on about grades or scholarships, simply take the car back. He's perfectly aware of why the car is going. No need to belabor the point.</p>

<p>It may take something drastic to get his attention...</p>

<p>Unfortunately, I read of a teen who was killed in a police chase after his parents reported their car as stolen, which they knew that he had, but was refusing to give back to them.</p>

<p>Consequently, while I back the suggestion that the OP take back the car that is in her name and that she's paying for, I suggest that she go to the college and get the car in person, informing her son after she has done that.</p>

<p>That will get his attention. Whether or not he chooses to change his behavior will be his decision, but at least she will have done her best to hold him responsible.</p>

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<p>Ah...but did your SON fill out the paperwork allowing YOU to get the things you need? At most schools, parents are not entitled to anything unless the over 18 year old student signs to allow this. </p>

<p>This situation must be very difficult for you as a parent, and I truthfully hope it works out for the best. Some kids just have to learn the "hard knock" way. Simply put....if your son loses his scholarship, he will not be enrolled in college unless you decide to bankroll him (which to be honest, I would not recommend). Perhaps some time off working at a job and supporting himself will give him the guidance and direction to navigate his future.</p>

<p>Like Ellemenope said above, it sounds like more than grades may be involved if he is avoiding you in this way. Maybe the honor's dorm was a hotbed of drugs. If it were my son, I would find a way to approach him in a calm manner and look him in the eyes to see if they are abnormal (pupils either pin points or dialated). The length he went to lie about his grades is a red flag. He may need some kind of intervention.</p>

<p>I would ask the school about the honors dorm, if it was a mess and they are kind of shoving it under the rug, it needs to be brought into the light, if not for your son, but for others</p>

<p>the reporting for the scholarship makes me curious, who knows what wayward son has reported to them</p>

<p>does anyone know what how external scholarships are kept updated on students grades, etc, is the school responsible for sending out reports? and as a PARENT can't get the grades, how does scholarship program....internal programs, i can see getting the reports, but what about out of state programs....</p>

<p>Have you ever asked your son how he lost his academic edge? What stops him from doing his work now that didn't stop him back in high school? What has changed in his mind?</p>

<p>Thank you all for your suggestions and stories. </p>

<p>After my posts from earlier today, I drove by his duplex again and as luck would have it, his/my car was finally there. I knocked and walked in as the door was unlocked. He was too surprised to escape, although he tried to get me to leave by saying he was late for work. </p>

<p>He did get a full time job towards the end of the summer that is about 6 miles from campus/where he lives. Apparently, he is still working there. He says 25 hours a week. </p>

<p>I told him I had seen his records (parents of dependent students are allowed to see them even if the student does not give permission if you fill out the appropriate paperwork, and I filled out the paperwork, and got them easily enough). This seems to be something that a lot of people think can’t be done. This scholarship is one that the university offers. There is no external reporting. </p>

<p>Anyway, although he seems stressed and thin, when I asked him about drugs, he kind of chuckled and said that that was the one mistake he had not made, he had failed those classes on his own. He had overscheduled his classes and just got overwhelmed at the end. He seemed to think that he could retake them over the summer and it would all be good, but although he did take one and get an A, the others did not go so well. Mostly due to the fact that we were out of town for three weeks and he did not tell me that he had to retake these classes because he did not want to admit that his grades were bad. Not a lot of solid understanding of likely consequences, sadly.</p>

<p>I did tell him that he could take the car to work today, and give it to me this evening. That will give him time to figure out the bus schedule for his next work day, Tuesday. I really hope that he gives up the car, as I have been trying to figure out how to kidnap it and get it back to a place where he could not find it.</p>

<p>He has no real plans, other than to get good grades this semester. He is not working with any advisor/counselor. He has not gotten a roommate/good news is that the girlfriend has moved her things out. He is working 25+ hours a week, which he thinks he needs to do to pay his rent. But it does not look good for him studying for his classes. As some of you suggested, I could offer to help him break his lease and move home (to my apartment) for the rest of the semester while he figures out whether he really wants to be in college or not. He does not want to move in with me, and I am not wild about the idea, but I don’t see many options for him if he wants to give it a fair try this semester.</p>

<p>Don't assume that if your S is using drugs or drinking heavily that he'll tell you. My S who had the horrendous gpa as a freshman got that in part due to too much partying -- drinking. I am fairly sure that he had never tried alcohol when he was in h.s. WHen in h.s., he chose to only work and go to school. He didn't even go to prom or graduation. This was his choice, not due to my husband or me being overly strict. He also had thought that anyone who drank underage or used any drugs should be severely punished. Again, these were his views back then, not my husband or mine.</p>

<p>Once in college, though, he started partying. I didn't learn about this until 2 years after he dropped out. I accidentally found his on-line blog. There, he had a day to day report of his partying habits, including pictures showing him drunk and references to heavy drinking while in college. My husband and I had no idea about this before, and S certainly had never mentioned his partying to us.</p>

<p>Anyway, I also used to work in the alcohol rehabilitation field, and I know that often when a person has major grade problems or job problems, it's due to heavy drinking or to drug use. Such people, however, aren't likely to admit their behavior when asked.</p>

<p>I agree with Northstarmom,do not assume that he will tell you the truth about drug/alcohol use. Not only will someone with a problem not admit alcohol/drug use they will go to extreme lengths to lie about it. The fact that he is avoiding you, does not want to live with you, change of behavior, failing grades, lying, thin appearance etc are all hallmarks of drug abuse.</p>

<p>marian -- "I am uneasy about jlauer's suggestion that you take the car.
Your son might report it stolen, not thinking that it was you who removed it. The police might not take kindly to the extra and unnecessary work this would inflict upon them."</p>

<p>That's easily solved. After taking the car, leave the son a message. It is more important that she get that car back. If the police were still called, they would understand once they heard the whole story!</p>

<p>I am not sure how I would find out if he is using drugs, not being around him much during the school year. He went to a small private high school, where there was much more involvement with other students and teachers, so it has hard to get away with much. He has far more freedom now. I will be on the lookout for that, but it might just be that he spent far too much time with the girlfriend, sports and believed that the course homework was far less time consuming than it was. This would not be the first time that he signed up for more difficult courses than any sane person would.</p>

<p>I am so sorry you have this concern and frustration. My godson had the honors dorm and a full ride to a state college with good test scores but he was not ready for college for unknown reasons. Zero credits after first semester which was inexplicable and traumatic to his parents. A sympathetic (enabling?) administrator and some extra tutoral plans for some of his learning glitches in place allowed him a second semester without his scholarship taken. Deja Vu for his parents. He did not attend classes, nor did he accept phone calls from his parents, stay in touch or tell the truth about his courses. As soon as he missed an assignment or got behind, it seems he just floated around campus socializing and possibly drinking. Probation did not phase him. He had never used drugs or alcohol in high school but was arrested buying and also overdosed on alcohol and would not be alive today if his roommate had not called an ambulance.<br>
He came home after zero credits in year one and did a few odd jobs, moved in with a family (enabling?) when he wore out his parents' patience and then joined the Army. He has had four years there with considerable training, shows a sense of pride, expresses a sense of belonging and comraderie and actually re-upped in Iraq where he serves today. I don't know about his educational or vocational future. I have no way of confirming his alcohol habits four years after the alcohol incidents in college, but he has not been disciplined or kicked out and he hits his marks there. As a military brat from the very downtrodden Vietnam era Army years, I know that there are many bright young people serving in our all volunteer services now. I can only hope he has good role models and is having a maturing learning experience that will help him in the civilian world one day. I grew up with kids whose fathers had been down this road so I have hope.</p>

<p>If you own the car, you don't dare stop the insurance--but I'd sure get the car back pronto. I got a bad feeling about that car...I'll feel better when it is safely back in your possession.</p>

<p>Engineering students often find the first semester of college a rude awakening--there was another thread some time back that advised parents of freshman engineering majors to tone down expectations (ie. don't expect your kid to get a 3.9 or even a 3.5). Perhaps you set the bar a little high for him to get to keep the car--but his abysmal record first year seems to go beyond the norm that caring parents should be asked to accept.</p>

<p>I don't see how his grades are going to improve--he won't get help (wants to do it all himself--I know, I've got one of those kids also); he plans to continue to work 25 hours a week (which is a huge time commitment that will made any comeback hard). </p>

<p>I'd be really surprised if there isn't an honors advisor/director at UA. Big state schools often have these honors colleges to try to attract smart kids who might want a "smaller college" experience. Discussing the honors program/your kid with him/her might be useful.</p>

<p>Just a contrary voice. Maybe he is telling you the truth. Maybe he did just have trouble getting his work done. Maybe now he is just really embarassed. Maybe the best thing you could do is take him back into your house and keep him there for a semester so you can see what his issues are and help him.</p>

<p>It sounds as if the son essentially decided to be on his own by refusing contact with the parent. After the latest contact, hopefully the S will return the car and start working on getting himself back together. If not, I'd repo the car an send an email/letter explaining what happened to it. I'd also tell him in the letter that parental financial support is now cut off because he's not holding up his end of the deal. I'd go further to explain that the real goal is to help him be successful and that she doesn't feel she's helping him by enabling the behavior he's been exhibiting. I'd tell him I'm ready to talk to work on the problems when he's ready.</p>

<p>Engineering is typically a tough major. It requires a lot of work to be reasonably successful at it. Even when he's ready to start back into it, it'll be tough to handle a full course-load while working 25 hours a week. He'll probably have to either work much less or not take a full load.</p>

<p>what happened with the dorm? if so many kids left, is it possible to return? or is it filled up again with this years crop</p>

<p>that still is a mystery to me....why so many kids had to leave...</p>