Would love some advice. Daughter should be a rising senior although she maintains she is a semester behind. We paid for summer classes for this summer in an attempt for her to catch up. She has maintained her GPA is about a 3.0. We come to find out because she lost her merit aid she is actually on academic probation and her GPA is under a 2.0. We have demanded access to grades and credits as we don’t know what her GPA is or how many credit she actually has. I also suspect she is failing her summer classes. Daughter has not give us access yet. She wants to go back to save face and of course have fun with her friends. She’s a smart girl but this wasn’t a total surprise as she has some academic issues in HS, graduated with a 3.1 but could have done much better just didn’t put in the effort. She really never seemed to be at college for the right reasons. I just want whatever she does next to not be living at home. I’m tempted to just send her back, she will pretend to be a senior and pretend graduate. I know that sounds so dumb but the thought of her living at home torturing us for her mistakes sounds too much for me.
Advice? She doesn’t have to give you access to grade/progress information. You don’t have to fund her college adventures. If you choose to fund so that she’s not at home, your costs have just gone up as her merit aid is gone. Perhaps it would cost you less to partially fund an apartment while she moves into the work force. Either way she wouldn’t be in your house.
This is all about what kind of limits you want to set with her and with your money.
We had to rescue our college freshman in October, we knew there were some mental health issues. We brought him home and had him open up his portal, and we all decided a medical withdrawal was in order. He is #5 and we have never even glanced at college grades before. I think you need a come to Jesus meeting laying everything out. I get you not wanting to be punished, he had a 3.7 gpa in high school, but did not do well with the 1 1/2 years of online classes (cheating and having his type A twin sister helping him). I couldn’t wait for him to go away (what we thought was senioritis/soiling the nest turned out to be depression, anxiety, and substance abuse. He is now home, took a summer writing course at the local college he’s going to in the fall (got a 93), and is in therapy. Some days it’s torture, but he is not ready to go away. If she won’t show you her grades and come up with a plan I would not pay the bill.
Agree with this.
I’d have a big problem with the lying about grades. I’m also in the camp of you see official grades/transcripts or you don’t pay tuition.
I also don’t think that the options are school or your basement. She can get get a full time job and as many roommates as it takes to live independently to earn the money to finish out college.
My concern is what you may find when you finally gain access to her grades. She may be more than a semester behind, and it sounds like the summer school money was wasted as well. In that case you may be looking at another whole year of tuition (on top of the lost merit aid) which is totally not what you budgeted for three years ago.
You need to figure out if she can graduate, what has to happen for that to happen, and what conditions she has to meet for you to write another check. Your answers might be different from mine, but getting off academic probation would be #1 for me. Then maybe hitting some GPA goals for the remaining semesters. I’m not unrealistic, so I’d try holding her to only 1 C per grading period for example. Anyway, achievable and provable goals rather than “Straight As, church on Sunday and no fooling about.” That’ll just get you lied to. (And as noted above, be open to the idea that there’s something actually wrong and it’s more than just distractions. There could be substance abuse to address, for example.)
I don’t know where your relationship is so I can’t tell you what’s the correct answer for your child, but you will need to be able to drop the hammer, whatever that might look like at your house, and if she knows you won’t this is all sort of moot. For example you could put her in an apartment near home for a semester to get her attention (where you pay rent, not hand over $900 per month.) Tell her you just need her to step up and start looking towards graduation, and if she can’t then it’s time to drop out and pour coffee for a year. The goal is a functioning adult, and with only three semesters left (or so) you have a decent chance of this happening. Good luck.
It is tough love time.
OP- hugs to you. I hope you have someone IRL you can vent to… this is a frustrating situation and if you are surrounded by friends humble bragging about their kid who “only” has a 3.9 so they can’t apply for a Rhodes scholarship but have to be content with a Marshall, it can really grind on your soul!
First things first- make sure she’s healthy. I’m also a big believer in the whole “actions have consequences” thing, but that’s for a healthy 20 year old, not one who is silently suffering from depression, substance abuse, an eating disorder, etc. So- when was her last physical?
Second- this is her problem to solve, not yours. She needs to decide that she wants a college degree- you can’t make that happen for her. She needs to deal with her college administration- talk to her advisor, jump through the hoops that the academic deans will demand, etc. You can guide, suggest, help- but you can’t go to class for her, you can’t write papers for her, so if you’ve been the engine driving the college train for her, now is the time for you to step back.
Third- Figure out the long-term goal here. Is it having her become economically independent by age 25? Is it having her out of the house as soon as possible and her future career goals aren’t important right now? Is it having her at college, costing you money, just for the “experience”?
Hugs to you. She has a lot of options- but SHE needs to decide what she wants.
We told our kids “We pay for 8 semesters, period full stop. You flunk a class? That’s on you. You want a semester abroad? Figure it out. You want to take time off? Great. Get a job and live at home, your night to make dinner for the rest of us is Tuesday.” One of mine had some bumps along the way, but making it clear that we weren’t an open checkbook for all eternity helped smooth out those bumps. It was clear that if the choices were living with mom or working with the professor to make up those credits- the professor was the easier option!!!
But make sure she’s healthy before you schedule a pleasant, transparent, open meeting where you tell her point blank “If you aren’t in school, you need to find a job. If your college won’t allow you back, figure out how to get back. If you don’t have enough credits to graduate next year, get back to us with how long it’s going to take you to get back on track so we can figure out the finances. Love you so much!”
Hugs. Been there done that!
Sounds distracted and ashamed and too embarrassed to ask for help.
May be “Academic Success Center” or other academic coaches at college. Hard to believe advisor for major hasn’t given to -do list to stay in major.
See free resources on executive function deficits.
Edited:
Can help take frustration / anger out of parent- student relationships to have better understanding of deficits and strengths.
My 24 year old has add and had some serious EF issues in high school, but now we are working with out non add (he had a full neuropsychological evaluation a few months ago, I wasn’t surprised with no add) 19 year old with EF issues. He’s already been in contact with his new college’s department of disability, filled out an online form, forwarded a letter from his therapist and sent his evaluation report.
Wonderful to hear his progress!
Hi OP…
I have been you, and first I want you to take a deep deep breath. Your daughter has known all along. You are just finding out. It is a shock.It is scary. It is challenging to want to blame, without knowing what is wrong.
Here is what isn’t wrong : she is okay. You are a fine parent. Nobody has done anything immoral or beyond repair. This happens a LOT, yes, even to rising seniors.
So my advice is to listen. What does she want to do now? What is her end goal? Can you all devise a plan to get her there? If she doesn’t know, can you tolerate a period of time where she figures that out?
I guarantee you her goal was never to fail. It was never her goal to humiliate herself. It was never her goal for you to think of having her home as torture. As it was never your goal to pay forever, or have ugly surprises.
In 15 years, how do you want to view this? That you stuck together in adversity, or you gave in to anger and fright and turned on each other? Listen. Come here and vent, but listen.
It is hard. It is hard. But you can do this. Once you agree on a plan (no promises from her, no threats from you because threats Do.Not. Work) or agree to work on one, you will feel better. Our rising senior chose to come home, regroup, take one or two courses online. He saw a counselor and was evaluated for learning disability. We took our time. He returned to his school’s online cohort. He did graduate – this all took almost 2 years. We were always open to the choice of “college is not what I want”.
last bit? Don’t you dare hang your head, or let her hang hers. “She’s taking a break bc things got rough, and we are figuring it out” is both honest and fair. She hasn’t murdered anyone, she’s just failed for now.
I’d tell her that she is loved. However, I would also tell her that it does not make financial sense for you to pay for classes that she will continue to fail. I would tell her that it is okay for her to be angry and embarrassed about that. But I would be very clear that you will not pay more tuition and you will not allow her to live at your house rentfree if she is not working and saving money.
I was just like your daughter, a million years ago. In those days, I was sure to get to the mailbox first to get my grades, probation notices, before anyone saw them. I had done incredibly well in high school but didn’t focus in college. I will say, when my parent figured it out, it was more supportive to find a long term solution and I very much appreciated that. I didn’t WANT to do badly, and I felt terrible about myself. I took a year off when I was supposed to graduate, worked and saved my money, and when I went back to school (after my friends were gone) I buckled down, finished both semesters on deans list. Got my degree (with more debt than planned but it was okay). Went back to grad school and did well. Have had a great career.
But at the time, it felt to me like I was the only person who didn’t take a straight path through college, and that is just not true.
There is no right answer. I just wanted you to know, you and she are not the only ones to go through this!
My deal with all the kids was, if I’m paying in any way, I have access to everything, as if I were the student. Sometimes one would need help, other never needed any. But I always had access.
You need to explain to her that you love her, want to help her, she is not alone, she is not the only one, etc etc etc, AND that there won’t be another penny from you guys towards college until you see the entire academic record and all come up with a comprehensive plan, together. That plan may be that she takes a leave of absence, gets a job and moves out, supporting herself, while she figures out what her next move is.
College is too expensive a place to park her as if it were a boarding school for wayward teens.
Any mental health issues? I would focus on that first. Perhaps a year off with some treatment and a part time or full time job? You and she should discuss what her goals are. Does she want to me in college and why? Don’t give up hope. ■■■■ happens and plenty of kids are on academic probation and manage to graduate just fine. If she wants to handle on her own, fine, but what is the plan? Maybe meet with her and the college together?
i think it’s fine to say “we can’t” spend more tuition money until we understand what you want to do, and how that will work. Saying “we won’t” is too akin to an ultimatum, and those simply don’t work. Not to mention it enhances the idea of “you are not worth our money, you worthless failure” and that doesn’t make progress on any front.
She was an average student, went to college, started to fail, tried to hide it because reasons. And while those reasons feel important to find out, they really aren’t terribly relevant now. She hid them to spare herself, and you. She feared a terrible reaction. Do you want to prove she was right to hide?
Practical steps : withdraw her from school to preserve what’s left of the gpa for any return. Take a couple weeks to not do anything. Then she gets a job, or a volunteering gig — something she can succeed at, and a reason to get up ---- have her pay a nominal rent to save face and make you less resentful. (We did this, but banked the rent and gave it back when ours moved out). If you find it useful, make a plan for how long she is home. But let’s keep in mind that the chances of a college age person earning enough to pay for her own apartment is pretty slim. What viable choice, safe choice, making-progress choice is there, but come home?
I wonder what the underlying issues are here. I would try to get to the bottom of that with whatever evaluations or therapies she agrees to do. I think withdrawing from summer classes, if possible, is also a good idea.
One of my kids was failing a couple of classes and had her head in the sand, so to speak. I found out when I visited and she told me. We talked with a dean together. Ultimately she left school with a withdrawal, lived at home and worked, and is now almost done a BA at age 30, having worked and lived on her own for several years. She did have a diagnosis of some mental health and learning challenges at age 17, so we were fortunate in having some understanding of what was going on.
I respect all parenting philosophies (as long as we are consistent!). I am not a tough love kind of parent. But that can work with some kids. I would try to meet your daughter with some empathy and try to come up with solutions together. Your relationship is for life.
I also, at one time or another, found someone to talk to myself to keep my support up for my kid while also being able to express my own feelings. Since you are wary of her coming home, that might also be helpful- regardless of what she ends up doing.
Agree, truth, empathy are important. Keep an eye on big picture of parent - student relationship.
Perhaps this student feels will be unloved if not achieving and meeting GPA goals.
This is opportunity for life lessons, new beginning for all.