almost done with college and never really found niche

Student Lounge College Life
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<p>i cant help but blame myself for all my failures. Sure, I've made plenty of acquaintances but not many I would consider a friend, and definitely no core group of friends. my 2 best friends in college, 1 of them wants his alone time, so he never wants to hang out, while the other one is very academically focused, so usually the only hanging out we do is eat dinner once in a while togehter and then he goes back to study. i really wanted to find a group of friends who actually wanted a social life. </p>

<p>it doesnt help that i commuted my first 2 years of college, and lived off campus the last two, and never got to live in the dorms. it was mostly in my 3rd year that i tried really hard to make friends. during that time, I tried to be outgoing and put myself out there. I've talked to people and that's how I made my acquaintances. I've joined clubs, mostly to meet people and not because i really enjoyed the activity, and met people but no one who I could spend time with outside of the club. everyone seems to know everyone else and I feel left out. i never really found a group of friends i thought i clicked with. the closest was my study group was last year, but they didnt want to hang out with me. whenever i called them to hang out, they didnt answer the phone or made up excuses to not hang out. I can truly say that I've given up.</p>

<p>However, my dilemma is that I'm stuck on how I want to feel. i sometimes convince myself that i'm just a loner by nature and that i dont really want friends. hence, i'm not always sure i know what i want. but i would be open to going to parties, to meet people and not drink much, but i've never once been invited to one</p>

<p>being a loner every weekend drove me crazy to the point that I was becoming suicidal because of it. I never get calls to go do things, except from the close friend i mentioned earlier</p>

<p>i tried counseling, but it didnt really help much. they were good listeners but didnt really suggest much advice other than taking antidepressants</p>

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<p>The first few days in any experience are absolutely pivotal in establishing precedents and relationships; I’m inclined to think that commuting for two years was the culprit, not your nature.</p>

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<p>don’t feel bad. there is nothing wrong with you. a lot of it has to do with luck or the draw of the cards.</p>

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<p>it also didnt help that i was really shy during most of my college years, but i kept trying to work on it put myself out there and meet different people but no one seemed to like me or wanted to be my friend.</p>

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<p>i wonder if life after college will be any better…</p>

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<p>It takes time to meet people. I basically went through middle school, high school, and 2 years of college without a single friend and just recently found a niche. Once, you meet just one person who you connect with you will start finding several friends through that person. It all happened after I stopped trying so hard to make friends. You’re definitely not the only person who never found a niche in college. I’m sure you’ll find great friends where ever you begin work, just give it time.</p>

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<p>Based on your attitude, probably not.</p>

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<p>i was reading your posts and thought, “this sounds like cal student”. then i read your post history and saw that you go to berkeley… goddam -________- i hope that doesnt happen to me.</p>

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<p>What you’ve described kind of sounds like AvPD - not that I really know what I’m talking about - but maybe there’s a deeper cause for this?</p>

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<p>Keep plugging along, I’m sure you’ll find some niche.</p>

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<p>Yeah not living on campus, and being shy could have put you at default in finding friends. In college your more than likely out on your own ( independent), no time to be shy. Just look for something your interested in, and may find friends there. If you have a job, maybe you can make friends in your work force.</p>

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<p>Everyone has their own way of making friends or a type of people they attract. Since you commute, it’s probably hard to meet people because most of the time your at school is when classes are in session and the people hanging out in the buildings are usually studying, etc. It’s easier to meet people through gatherings, events and parties since it’s more a casual and inviting atmostphere. Don’t worry if you haven’t found your ‘niche’ yet. Just keep looking and be more open. Most people aren’t going to just walk up to you and ask to be your friends or randomly start talking to you. Instead, YOU have to be that kind of person. Some friends that I’ve made from school have been when I’ve randomly gone up to people and started talking. Sounds weird but most students, you’ll find, are pretty cool with it.</p>

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<p>I’d like to chime in here because I was also a commuter student throughout college and hardly made any friends, just some acquaintances like you. The obvious problem is that you didn’t live in the dorms your freshman year, and that is the time when most students start to make friends and form their friendship circles. Had I known better as a senior in high school I would have chosen to live in the dorms. I am the quiet and reserved type, so being a commuter student who isn’t necessarily outgoing made it about ten times as hard to make friends.</p>

<p>Anyway, to answer the original poster’s concern, you are probably not going to magically begin making friends simply because most people already have their groups and it becomes more and more difficult for you, but there is still hope. I think that joining groups or clubs strictly to make friends is not going to help. You should join a club or group because you enjoy the activity or interested in the subject matter. That way you have something to talk about if not anything else. Here are some things that I can think of that you can try:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>I’d bet that your school has various political groups (i.e. college democrats, republicans, green, etc). If you identify yourself with a party, perhaps look into the college affiliation and find out what you can do to help.</p></li>
<li><p>Sports. If you like to play certain sports, then join a club. If you don’t make friends then at least to can have some fun and get some exercise.</p></li>
<li><p>Does your school have a group for commuter students? If not look into starting one, advertise it, and see if people show up to the first meeting. Perhaps you can convince your school to implement a commuter student study area, lounge, etc.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>Bottom line is if you continue to feel sorry for yourself, then you will continue to be friendless.</p>

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<p>Saying “if only I lived in the dorms” is just finding excuses for yourself and not constructive. I lived in the dorms freshman year and consider myself to be very social, but most of the people I hang with on a regular basis were met in classes and clubs. It’s the attitude that counts, not what reasons you find for your failures</p>

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<p>This happened to me in highschool, almost exactly how you feel, but for college im looking to make a 100% turn around. For you, possibily at a job, meet some guys and just be down to do stuff, be cool and nice or even ask if you can tag along if you hear they are planning to go somewhere. The more you spend time with people the more you’ll have in common and the easier it is to make friends, instead of looking in your past mistakes use your knowledge of them to change how to act around new people.</p>

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<p>Heinrich-</p>

<p>The biggest flaw in your post is your attitude and approach toward what you have experienced in life.</p>

<p>College is only a very small percentage of time in comparison to what one will experience in a lifetime. Even if you haven’t enjoyed it that doesn’t mean you are going to be a failure for the rest of your life.</p>

<p>A lot of people I know in College didn’t end up adjusting so well so they dropped out, lived at home, and commuted. Some of them got depressed; others got over it and became responsible enough to achieve good grades so that after they graduated they could still receive good job prospects.</p>

<p>You might want to take two things into perspective:</p>

<p>1, The real world is not fair. Often at times people who are outgoing will have an advantage over introverts because we basically live in an extroverted-inclined society(In America). </p>

<ol>
<li>Part of the problem is your own attitude. I would recommend EVERYONE to go into a dormitory as a Freshman in College. It is a critical step of the adaption process.</li>
</ol>

<p>Since a lot of people don’t have the financial means to live in the dormitories they end up hating College because all they do is the bookwork and commute back and forth from home.</p>

<p>Ultimately what you want to achieve in College is based on what you are willing to do. Unless you get out of your own comfort zone nothing will ever truly change.</p>

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<p>I really, really feel for you. </p>

<p>I know it saved my life to live in the dorm freshman year…I was also extremely shy, and having that “cushion” is what got me friends. Now going into my junior year I hang out with basically the same people.</p>

<p>I’m not saying this is a good thing…but it’s just an example to show how some people you see with all these friends and whatnot, well, it could very well have been luck and convenience that they fell in together. Just know there is nothing wrong with YOU. You had some unfortunate circumstances (commuting+shyness is not a good one) and because of that you need to put extra effort in. It’s not fair, but sometimes life isn’t. </p>

<p>Have you tried summer classes? I have found that in summer class (because they are smaller, there is more down time after/before class, etc.) people talk a lot more to each other. But you DO have to put yourself out there and start talking/walk over to that group talking/etc. It also depends on the major…I have found people in the English major at my school to be EXTREMELY open, friendly, and accepting. It’s really amazing, the contrast. I have taken classes in other majors and have not found them to be so consistently awesome. If you have time, maybe take a “fun” class that attracts quirky, open-minded, nice people (such as a science fiction class, or something like that).</p>

<p>Also, keep at it with the acquiantences. You will most assuredly find one eventually that you click with. But don’t wait for them to call you. Call THEM! Also be aware that if you are calling someone to hang out, they might expect you to always be the one to call and plan the activities…this can be annoying but it does not always mean they don’t like you (just that they are lazy). However if you try this tactic with a decent sampling of people then I think you will not be disappointed.</p>

<p>So, keep trying, try new things, try an attitude change. I think counseling may help. A counseler can really encourage you to follow through. Too shy to call that person and hang out? Well maybe it will help to have someone there who will root for you and be proud of you when you do it and share it with them. It might also be good to bounce ideas off the counseler, ex I’m going to X event, what are some tips for making friends, etc. I understand that they suggested drugs and you did not like this, but how many counselers have you tried? Perhaps you did not find one that “clicked” with you. Also, be very clear in your intentions. “I want you to help me change the way I act. Not through drugs, but through helping me brainstorm, be accountable, rooting for me, giving suggestions, helping me unravel negative thought patterns. If you cannot do this I will find someone else to speak to.”</p>

<p>Will your life always be like this? Only if you make it so. You are so young. You do not have to be at your peak yet, intellectually, physically, socially…you can still change your life into something you can be happy with. It is never too late. Also do not give up because “there’s not time left in college, I might as well stop worrying about it.” That is silly because you could continue relationships with these people after college (who knows), a friend is worth it no matter how short you know them for, and you will be developing skills you can use for the rest of your life!</p>

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<p>don’t say that you think you’re a loner by nature. if you don’t want to be a loner, then keep finding ways to be engaging. ask people out to lunch or something. do you play any sports? ask people to play with you… like soccer, football, tennis etc.</p>

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<p>Not everyone finds a close group of friends during college. I didn’t either. Had some aquaintances and people I hung out with here and there but nothing that really stuck. After college I lost touch with all of them. It didn’t help that I was a transfer student and had to start all over again, but the truth is I just didn’t meet people I really clicked with. Sometimes it is just the luck of the draw. I didn’t find my very best friends until I was older. Now I have some amazing friends…guess I’m a late bloomer. :slight_smile: Maybe you are too.</p>

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<p>I’ve always said this. And I’ll say it again.</p>

<p>“Don’t find a niche. Let the niche find you.”</p>

<p>Think about. Why conform to someone/something you’re not when you can influence others to become who YOU are?</p>