Am I considering BS for the right reasons?

For the past several weeks I’ve been thinking about and researching BS as an option for my daughter, who’s currently in 5th grade at a wonderful K-6 independent day school that we both love. The school has an excellent track record of sending its graduates to the handful of well-regarded upper schools in our city, most of which have stats comparable to the top-tier boarding schools in terms of AP & SAT performance, college placement, and the like. I feel as though BS would be a better environment for her, but so few parents here choose that path that I can’t get much helpful advice about it. After reading countless threads in this forum, I’m hoping you all can give me some feedback on how realistic my expectations are.

The main reason is the structure and stability BS provides. It’s something she needs that is hard for me to give her. The nature of my career means I can go from working 60 hours one week to 5 the next, but it’s usually 40+ for 8 months out of the year and not always predictable. I’m lucky to see her for an hour a day during those heavy work weeks and I know that the guilt I feel over it makes me a total pushover about consistent rules and discipline. Her father is great at being strict, but he lives on the opposite coast from us. We divorced when she was 3 and she lived with him at first for that reason, until he decided he wanted to do the bachelor thing for a while instead of the single dad thing. This is another reason BS is attractive – by going to school in NE she can be near her father and the rest of our relatives, without the risk of another upheaval when he decides he doesn’t want the responsibility anymore. Part of me can’t believe I’m again considering voluntarily having her live 3000 miles away, but I can’t stand the idea of looking back 10 years from now and seeing that I’ve failed her by doing what’s easiest for me.

The next reason is probably driven by that same point. She is incredibly smart but shy enough that she’d rather plod along and not stretch herself, in order to stay out of the spotlight. She needs an extra push that I think being surrounded by highly motivated peers will give her, as well as being in a smaller school than any of the viable upper school options here are so that there’s no background to hide in. I also think that spending more time with peers in general will help her come out of her shell. Between being an only child and living in a neighborhood that is more popular with singles and people renting a beach getaway than families, she has less than ideal opportunities for socializing. Like any parent I just want to see her reach her full potential and be happy. So, how far off am I in thinking BS would benefit her in these ways?

I think you’re right on target in your thinking. Lots of parents look at BS because of the structure and stability that the environment provides. First of all, most BS do a great job in setting things up so that the youngest kids have a lot of structure provided to them (mandatory lights out times, mandatory study times and places, required classes) and as the kids get older and more experienced, they get more freedoms and responsibility for their school lives. And as for stability, many families first think of looking at BS because they live overseas or move frequently for job reasons. It can be hard for kids to be uprooted part way through high school, so many families are of the view that they’d rather put their kids in a school they’re happy with at the start of high school and then not have to worry about later moves.

As for your second point, I can tell you from first hand experience that BS can be a great option for a kid like that. I, too, was a smart, shy, only child, we moved a lot, and my parents didn’t have friends with kids the same ages. So I had a somewhat isolated upbringing. In grade school, it was ok because my identity was largely tied up in being the “smart kid.” But then I hit high school, which was a huge public school (2000+ students), and I didn’t really know how to navigate the social scene and the academics in the honors classes were a little cut throat. BS was a much better option for me – I had teachers who knew me personally and pushed me to succeed, I had peers who wanted to succeed academically but not at someone else’s expense, I was encouraged to try new things and not worry about looking stupid, and for the first time, I really felt part of a true community. If you told anyone I work with now that I was shy as a kid, they would be absolutely astounded.

If you can part with your lovely daughter earlier than 9th grade, I would highly recommend exploring Junior Boarding Schools: http://www.jbsa.org/ I went to JBS and so did my children. One big advantage is the “Second Family” atmosphere which is constant and very nurturing. My kids went away to JBS in the 7th grade and ( now with the last one set to graduate from SS in Spring ) they would tell you it was the best (albeit most challenging) time of their (young) lives.

I know sending a child off to BS for 7th grade isn’t for everyone but it’s definitely an excellent option. All you need to do is visit a JBS campus and you’ll see why. Your daughter will not only receive a very fine education- she’ll end up with more “siblings” and lifelong friends than she’ll know what to do with. Plus, she’ll be very well prepared for SS.

As a BS Parent- I’ve encountered many parents with an only child away at BS and the overwhelming response I’ve heard was that it was (on many fronts) the best decision they ever made- even though (initially) it was a difficult decision to make. ( I’ll just note here that BS is a leap of faith for everyone- regardless of your present situation or if you’re familiar with JBS/ BS ).

The other thing I can tell you is the growth you’ll witness (at JBS in particular) is enormous and often times mind-blowing. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing from one year to the next (in and out of the classroom).

All the best!

I think parents consider BS for their kids for all sorts of reasons…who’s to say what’s “right” for any given family. Back when divorce was less common (or in particularly acrimonious marriages/separations), I think BS was seen as a very popular solution for single parents of both genders.

From your post, it sounds like you are just looking for a better way — and isn’t that the case for all of us?

I don’t know at exactly what point you are considering BS, but there are a few Junior Boarding Schools on the East Coast that have boarding programs for kids in middle school (a quick visit to The Fay School, Bement, and Indian Mountain show that boarding programs can start as early as 6th grade). If you are coming East at all this spring, why not visit a few to see if you get a good vibe from any…and more importantly, if your daughter does.

I know there are a few parents who have sent kids to JBS here on the forum…hopefully they’ll chime in and/or write to you directly via PM.

Thanks everyone for the reassurance. It’s so helpful to hear from other parents who have been through this. Sorry I wasn’t clear, I’m looking at her starting BS in 7th grade. I do really like the idea of a JBS instead of an SS that has 6-12 or 7-12. But both types are on my list of possible schools since desired location and requiring dance as an EC narrowed the choices quite a bit, and I’d like to heed the recommendation I’ve read from many on here of casting a wide net. Bement, Fay, and Indian Mountain are the JBS on my list so if any parents who have sent their child to one of them are reading this I’d love to hear about your experience.

We have a kid at Indian Mountain and it has been great. The school has really done its job. We have been very impressed and feel that SS placement is working well. We had our list, the school had suggestions, and we are hopeful. The headmaster has been personally involved since we toured. We wish we had sent K2 as well but she is finishing middle school at home and also applying to SS.

Please PM me if you want additional details. We are waiting for M10 like everyone else so there is a ton of time!

JBS sounds like a great option in your situation. It might help to find out from other JBS parents in particular how they presented the decision to their children. One thing you don’t want is for your daughter to feel that you don’t want her around or that she is too much trouble.

+1

Make sure she knows it’s for her benefit, not yours.

I love IMS, Fay and Bement but I would encourage you to add Rumsey Hall to your list, too.

I’m not saying these schools are BETTER than any others on your list (I absolutely do not know), but we have some experience with a couple schools that might be on your list: Bement (K-9, boarding in the Upper School, 6-9, which works as a JBS), and Stonleigh Burnham (all girls, 7-12, IB program in the upper school). We know many kids who have gone through Bement, including my son’s girlfriend at Deerfield. She boarded there from 6th grade, and still goes back to visit ALL the time, because she felt like it was such a completely warm and close community. She came in 6th grade from Japan, and only went home during the summers-- and says she ended up having TWO families–one in Japan and one at Bement. We recently went to a dance recital there that combined Deerfield dancers and Bement dancers, in which the Deerfield girls helped mentor the Bement girls in the ballet. The Bement kids clearly loved performing with the older girls. Stonleigh is not a JBS, but, because its upper school program is quite different, some girls go there for those JBS years and then transfer. The reason I’m bringing it up is because you mentioned dance, and they have a very serious dance program, unlike many JBS. The down side is that I think being in the younger grades at a school that goes all the way through high school is a different experience than being at a JBS-- a little less nururing than a school focused on the younger kids, although I’m sure that depends on the school.

Just on case you’re interested, here’s a link to the dance program at Stoneleigh:
http://www.sbschool.org/arts/dance/

@PhotographerMom Does Rumsey Hall have a dance program? I couldn’t find anything about it on their website.

@Daykidmom Thank you, Bement sounds perfect. And SBS is also on my list. It’s good to know that students do switch schools for upper school, that’s one of my concerns with a 7-12 school, that what meets her needs at 11 may not meet her needs at 14/15 and I imagine that schools aren’t fond of losing students.

@twinsmama @stargirl3 How to broach the subject with her has definitely been at the back of my mind. I made a feeble attempt at testing the waters a few weeks ago by asking her what she thought it would be like to live at school. She said it would be cool and she’d go into the teachers’ lounge while everyone was sleeping and find out all their secrets. LOL. I think I’ll make a separate post about presenting boarding school as an option to younger kids.

I totally missed that your daughter was looking for a dance program! Sorry about that!

I’ll just add one quick thing: If you come across a school that you really like but don’t see the program ( EC /Sport ) you’re looking for- don’t rule it out until you call admissions. Sometimes schools (JBS & BS ) offer off campus programs that are really quite good ( not mentioned on the website). I know that’s not nearly as good as a dedicated program on campus but it’s worth a call .

Good luck!