<p>We are considering bs for our youngest Son (of 3 - older 2 in college) this is something that is totally outside our area of expertise. He has attended the same small independent school since 3rd grade. We have noticed a bit of an attitude lately towards authority as well as some entitlement and risky behaviors. I really don't think that it is anything outside the range of normal adolescent behavior but it is starting to clash with his Fathers authoritarian parenting style. I don't want to spend the next two years arguing and watching our relationship with him erode. He is a self-motivated A/B student but hasn't found that spark just yet. We live in an affluent area and he has had every opportunity in the world - yet it appears that his takeaway from that is entitlement. I adore this youngest one (my baby!) but am starting to think that a different environment and dynamic may be what he needs in order to develop into the wonderful young man I know that he can be. I recognize that we are way off of the standard admissions cycle but I also know that in this economic environment, there are many schools that will look at a full pay applicant well into the summer. I guess I am asking for advice from all of you experienced parents about how hard the transition is at this point in HS, does his profile sound like BS is a good idea? And maybe a suggestion or two for schools that might be a good fit (although I'll probably need to start a new thread for that q) Thanks in advance for your thoughts.</p>
<p>Well, I am probably not the best one to give advice, as my D did not apply to all the HADES schools mentioned here, although she will be a day student at what I feel is a top notch BS.</p>
<p>The biggest question I had in reading your post is how does your son feel about BS? If this is a unilateral decision - you are sending him to BS to ‘straighten him out’ - I don’t think that will work out too well. Most kids in BS want to be there, in addition, I don’t know how he’d fare in an interview if he gave off a bit of attitude towards authority.</p>
<p>It seems that if your goal is to get him to be a little more aware of his environment and away from the entitlement attitude, you can do that without the drastic step of BS. Get hi involved with a church/temple community project, or other non-profit work, perhaps have him find and keep a part time job or make him responsible for paying for some of h is clothes/gas/insurance, etc. </p>
<p>What are his interests or extracurriculars? Maybe that will help us understand him more and whether BS is for him.</p>
<p>You are right, we have not had the conversation with him yet. He is very eager to go off to college, so I think he may actually be open to the idea of BS. His authority issues are very localized (certain teachers he considers ‘jerks’). We may very well go for a “re-work” of the home environment but at this point are just trying to expand our options and see what might be reasonable to consider.</p>
<p>@3bysmom,</p>
<p>Has S expressed any interest in going to BS? If not, he might construe it as being sent away, i.e. punishment. A successful BS experience for your S will require enthusiasm on his part, and a reasonable measure of self-motivation and discipline to work without a helicopter parent to constantly supervise him.</p>
<p>Are his attitude & entitlement behaviors exhibited at home only, or also at school with his teachers? If its at home only, then maybe putting some difference between S and dad could help to improve their relationship. If the behaviors are exhibited at both home and school, then is sending S to BS just changing the scenery and not addressing the underlying problem (if there is a significant problem at allyou say his behaviors are not outside the range of normal adolescent behavior)? He will need to respect the authority of the teachers there who serve in parentis loco.</p>
<p>If S is enthusiastic to go to BS, then consider what the objectives are for his BS experience and what the priorities are for school selection:</p>
<p>A very nurturing environment?<br>
A regimented environment?
A more rigorous academic environment?<br>
More outlets for sports/activities?<br>
Exposure to a more diverse group of kids? (you mention that your neighborhood is affluent)?
Less environmental distractions? (city attractions, girls)
A larger/smaller student pool?
Other?</p>
<p>Make sure your S is entirely involved in the selection process. Decide what qualities are non-negotiable are which are good-to-have. I suggest making a spreadsheet and see which schools satisfy the most criteria. This website may be helpful: [Boarding</a> School Directory - Boarding School Review](<a href=“http://www.boardingschoolreview.com/school_overview.php]Boarding”>Best Boarding School Directory (2023))</p>
<p>Definitely visit the schools. They all have different personalities. A good “fit” is important.</p>
<p>Yes, you have missed the standard admissions cycle this year, but there are BS with rolling admissions. For the very, very selective schools that do not have rolling admissions, dont be so sure that Full Pay will land you a spot even in this tough economy (unless your last name is Kennedy or Trump AND you are prepared to donate an entire academic building). Many highly qualified FP applicants are still on the Wait Lists of these schools. </p>
<p>If you are unable to get in this Fall, you might consider S applying as a repeat 11th grader for the following year. Its not uncommon for student to apply as a repeat.</p>
<p>It’s obvious how much you care about your S and want the best for him. Good luck.</p>
<p>I agree with the posters. He needs to want to go. If your son exhibits an “entitlement” attitude will that change at boarding school? From my personal experience (as a grad and as a current parent of a BS student) the thing Adcoms and staff quietly complain about most are students who come in with attitudes. Exeter has warned alumni and parents not to send their students if they’re not fully committed to the process. Most schools have a zero tolerance for student’s who are rude to staff.</p>
<p>So think about it - is this really the solution? It’s tough - very tough - to make the transition even from a good school. My daughter loves her experience but she initiated the process so she’s still happy even when the workload is heavy.</p>
<p>So - first see how your son feels about BS first. One idea is to find out if there is room in a summer program at a boarding school to see if he can acclimate to the environment. Exeter has a good upper school summer program, for instance. We used the middle school program to allow my daughter to see the difference between the “theory” of boarding school and the “reality”. She was hooked afterwards - but not all kids are.</p>
<p>Second, if your son is not “motivated” then in some cases, boarding schools aren’t going to fix that - they’re only going to intensify his behavior. So look for schools that are more “hands on”. I’ve heard some on the boards talk about a school in New York that is used to turning boys around (name escapes me) and don’t rule out schools with a military focus (not as austere as it sounds).</p>
<p>Third, if your son goes to BS, will you husband lay off the authoritarian stuff? What sometimes hurts and application is an overbearing helicopter parent. BS is about independence for the student, which is also an adjustment for parents used to being in complete control.</p>
<p>Every school has a different personality so many of us on the boards advocate “fit” not “reputation.” The school culture, climate, approach to students, interaction with parents - all should play into your decision. Might be a fun road trip to explore some. For my D and me - it was amazing family bonding time.</p>
<p>(and I will confess, however, that for some students BS is a blessing because they can remove themselves from a stressful or negative situation with a parent - so maybe time away from dad will be good for them both?)</p>
<p>Good luck.</p>
<p>If I’m really honest with myself, I think the primary reason for considering BS is to create some space or distance between him and his father. He may see this, but I do worry that he will also see it as being “sent away” from me. I am really torn between the positive relationship with me and the negative relationship with his dad (yes, my husband, yes still together) which trumps which? I also believe that his authority issues stem from this relationship and are a reflection of what he wishes he could say to his Dad. He is actually a very independent student and we are no more or less involved than other parents we know (but I wouldn’t consider us ‘helicopter’ parents).</p>
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<p>I do not know you or your son so I may be misinterpreting your words, and If that is the case, I apologize, but it sounds from your statement like your son engages in drinking and/or recrational drug use and believes he is entitled to do so because it is not “outside the normal range of adolescent behavior.” He further believes that some of his teachers are “jerks.” I’m a boarding school teacher, so I obviously believe that boarding schools are great places, but they are not magical. A kid who enters a boarding school community with an interest in alchohol and drug use combined with contempt for authority and teachers and a sense of entitlement is likely to put his prodigious talents and intelligence toward breaking the rules and feeling completely justified in the behavior. This is difficult and distastrous for a small community (and the vast majority of boarding schools are small, with under 500 kids.) I agree with the parents who caution that your son must be enthusiastic about the boarding school option in order for it to be successful, but worry that he will see it as a place where he will be free to do whatever he wants. Again, I don’t know your son or situation, but your description of “risky behavior,” “attitude toward authority” and “entitlement” are typical indicators of unsucessful boarding school community members. these issues must be addressed before he can latch on to something more positive.</p>
<p>Your son is lucky to have such a caring mother. My heart goes out to you for the difficulties your family is going through.</p>
<p>I agree with the other posters. “Risky behavior” can cover a wide range of issues, from not wearing a seatbelt to drug & alcohol use. If a student is kicked out of boarding school, it will show up on his transcript. </p>
<p>I don’t know how one raises the issue of attending boarding school with a 16/17 year old, without his feeling you are choosing his father over him. That is not your intent. Have you considered that he may be getting what he needs from both of you? His father gives him discipline, and you give him comfort. If he sees a psychologist, you could ask him (or her) for advice. If his school is aware of his risky behavior, you might ask his advisor for advice. Your son isn’t the only adolescent the school has taught. </p>
<p>Maybe you could ask your son if he would like to change schools. DON’T say, “We’re sending you to boarding school.” Rather, ask, “Do you think you’ve outgrown (small independent school)? Are there changes we could make together? Would you like to transfer to 1) the local public school, 2) a larger day (parochial?) school, 3) a boarding school, or 4) an early entrance to college?” If any of his friends have left the small independent school, you might ask, “Do you think John made a good choice?”</p>
<p>If you do decide together to investigate boarding schools, I recommend you find an educational consultant, if you can afford one. Your son could be an entirely normal teenager, or he could be not suited to boarding. An experienced consultant could listen to your concerns in private (not on the web), and suggest suitable schools, day or boarding. Look for a consultant who has experience with boarding and day schools, not a college specialist who “does boarding schools too.” </p>
<p>[Independent</a> Educational Consultants Association | IECA](<a href=“http://www.IECAonline.com%5DIndependent”>http://www.IECAonline.com)
[Find</a> Educational Consultants – Boarding School Review](<a href=“http://www.boardingschoolreview.com/consultantdirectory.php]Find”>Find Educational Consultants)</p>
<p>Have you considered Outward Bound, or similar experiences?</p>
<p>You definitely need to talk to your kid first before doing anything that might even strain your relationship with him. I agree with the other posters that if he doesn’t want to go then there is nothing you can do. Sending will then feel like you are sending him away. As for his attitude problem, he needs to be given strict rules of discipline for him to change. Good luck :)</p>