I’m seeking advice on a dilemma I never thought I’d have on my hands. My son is a sophomore at a very selective (and, fwiw, difficult) small liberal arts college. He was a top 10 student in high school. He currently has a college g.p.a. of 1.73. (We’re waiting on the fall grades but know he has failed at least one science class). He loves his college (friends, extracurricular activities like sports and performance) and the college seems like an ideal fit except for the poor academic performance. My question for anyone who has gone through this before: should we insist that he transfer to a local state college (if we were to be accepted) or keep paying high tuition for lackluster grades? He’s currently on academic probation, and will be dismissed if his g.p.a. doesn’t go up at least marginally this year. His grades are lowest (3 Fs) in math and science. He’s performing marginally better (B’s and C’s) in his humanities courses. Any advice on insisting an under-achieving student transfer? I’m especially interested in hearing from anyone who has been down this road. Thank you in advance for any experiences!
I understand how complicated your feelings must be. I’m wondering if you could ask for a leave of absence from his school for at least a year. He may need time to sort himself out. If he’s been working for 12 years (about) to get to where he is, it’s likely that he needs a mental and maybe physical break from school.
There are many things that he can do that don’t involve formal gap year programs. Student Conservation Association is a great option, for example, as tbey have internships of varying lengths, with housing. He would be in a positive setting involving usually physical work for a good cause.
The truth is that he will need to want to get good grades in order to get good grades. No amount of parental pushing at this point, IMHO will achieve that end. He will need time to sort out his feelings and to find meaning in the act of attending college.
Some obvious suggestions, but can he take fewer credit hours next semester and if he does better in humanities, can he put off some of the math and science courses until later?
Are you paying for this? Why did he get to go back this fall?
His performance is poor, not just “lackluster”. It sounds like he embraced the nonacademic, fun aspects of college while ignoring the classes. He hopefully has learned the harsh lesson about potential not being enough, hard work is required as well- regardless of ability or school attended. A lot depends on his attitude. Does he blame external forces or does he realize where his choices hurt him? This will matter in his ability to “start over” elsewhere.
We just had our middle son withdraw from all classes this semester and take a leave of absence. His GPA going into this semester was 1.89 and I was afraid he’d be expelled. He was once before but we managed to secure a late medical withdrawal for psych reasons that semester. He then did better but this semester he just shut down. He was doing great but then H went in for surgery and got angry when my son didn’t call him immediately (not my son’s style) so he called campus security, which sought him out amongst his friends on a Friday night. My son felt humiliated and didn’t speak to either of us for two months. He also apparently stopped going to classes, although he did so well in his student government position that he was given an award!
I don’t have the money to send him back so he will have to work, go to counseling and figure our what to do. I am hoping that he can maybe take some CC classes and then get readmittance and finish up with online and classes taken down here. He has 78 credits after 7 semesters but 30 of them are AP.
My suggestion is try to get your son into counseling. I am working on mine right now.
I think it really depends on the reason for the poor grades. I remember my college grades bottoming out in sophomore year, not Fs, but Bs, Cs and a D. I was overextended with activities and sports. It took the wakeup call of poor grades to get me to re-prioritize.
In your son’s case, do you know the reason for the poor grades? Is he in the wrong major, is STEM just not his thing? Is he putting in the study time and availing himself of any help with tutors/TAs/office hours/extra help that is offered?
Depending on what the issue is, a transfer may or may not solve it. Hopefully you are having a big discussion with him currently as to what went wrong and why. Does HE have any ideas on how to turn things around?
Thank you so much for the helpful replies. You took the time to write humanely and helpfully and are providing our family some direction. The long discussions after last year’s poor performance led my husband and I to think we would be in a different place this semester. The Student Conservation Association looks like a great program. I’m not sure if he’d be eligible given his g.p.a., but we want to present that as an option. We want to be encouraging (that this is a new turning point, not the end of the road) and you’ve provided some guidelines for how to do that. I’m very grateful.
For SCA they don’t care about GPA, I’m pretty sure. The website is a little complicated, but if you look closely you can find:
- “hot” internships (ones that are approaching their deadlines with too few applicants)
- short-term internships
- local crews for on-call work, mainly around large regional cities. These seem easier to get into.
In addition to SCA, there’s–
volunteer.gov (search for the ones that provide housing)
workaway.info (volunteer in someone’s business or home around the world for room and sometimes board, 4-5 hours a day of work)
coolworks.com (for jobs around the USA that pay sometimes including lodging)
Americorps NCCC/ Vista/ Fema and local Americorps positions
Also look at your favorite state, local, and national parks–they list temporary seasonal work
Local libraries often need volunteers.
And of course there are other jobs and volunteer positions around your local area.
(Can you tell we have a child in a similar position?? 8-> )
Habitat for Humanity offers ongoing work on houses and admin positions.
Hi Dustyfeathers, Thank you so much for these additional resources! I’ve spent most of the morning on SCA and I’m pretty sure I want to pretend I’m 21 and apply for some of their exciting internships 
Thank you for the tutorial on the ‘hot’ ones… You’ve helped me feel less alone and more purposeful than I thought I’d be today. Thank you for that and your kind demeanor. I’ll try to pay-it-forward somehow in 2017!
((hug))
You’re doing great, @Buffalogal !
@Buffalogal, As I was reading this, I had a couple of thoughts. One, of course, is yours, which is that academics simply aren’t his priority, and I agree that it can be hard to change someone else’s priorities. IT seems unlikely that a kid who was such a good student would be legitimately struggling, but if your HS wasn’t that competitive, it’s possible that he wasn’t well prepared or has some kind of LD which is only manifesting itself with this level of challenge. I think the possibility of that is remote – you know the circumstances best – but I wouldn’t rule it out. And if that were to be the case, it’d still be up to your son to figure out how to deal with it.
But over the years, I’ve known quite a few kids who have developed substance abuse issues, which from a distance look an awful lot like an overemphasis on socializing. In many cases, the substance is alcohol, and it’s very easy, given the way it is available and used on campuses, for the young person who is developing a problem with it to simply be seen, and even admired, as “a big partier”. But that might mean that he’s partying more than 2 (or 3) nights a week, and waking up hung over when he has class. Is there any possibility that this is the case? If he was a top student in high school and feels like he can’t excel where he is now, maybe it’s his way of dealing with stress? Or of dealing with social pressures? Or simply because he can’t control it? Off the top of my head, I can think of a half dozen people I know personally who have had this experience – all at top schools. I also have a (female) peer who was nothing short of dazzling – top 10 nationally in her sport, beautiful, and brilliant who started self-medicating at Stanford as her bi-polar disorder began to manifest itself. This was ages ago, but we all thought she was rebelling and frankly, being a bit of a jerk. Of course, it’s all much clearer what was going on. I sort of hate to mention this as a possibility because it’s clear you’re worried, but a frank conversation about drug and alcohol use (or a visit with a therapist) might serve him well, especially if it’s part of a concern for his health. If he does one of the cool programs above, and this is an issue, it’ll either become a problem there (or it could be done in conjunction with treatment.) But just a (dark) thought.
Thank you for the virtual hug and for making me smile this morning! Happy 2017 to you and yours.
Thank you gardenstategal for your thoughtful response. I hadn’t considered this. My sense is that this isn’t the case but he lives far away and I can’t be certain. It wasn’t his mode in high school, but before I dismiss this completely I’ll broach it with him and give it careful thought. His high school was not particularly strong (compared to others in our area) and other students have complained about the lack of rigor impacting their college experience, so I think that (and club distractions – he’s in a leadership position in two time-consuming ones) are the more likely culprits. But I’m thinking this through… Thank you for taking the time to carefully suggest this. I’m grateful.
He’s really fortunate that you are thoughtful and supportive and committed to his well-being. Personally, I don’t think that many kids end up in situations like this without a good reason/explanation. A friend of mine once remarked “You can only be as happy as your most unhappy child.” Ah, the co-dependence of parenting!
Wishing you the best in 2017!
OP- hug to you.
I think you have three threads to untangle-
1- Where is he vis-a-vis the college-- what does his advisor say, what are the usual “next steps” for a kid in his position? I think you need to find that out from your son and let that process unspool.
2- Where is his head- is he happy with his life in general and just aggravated that his plan of not working too hard has gotten him a not-so great GPA? If so, HE needs to own his issues/plans. You can’t write his papers, you can’t go to his labs, and you can’t go to his professors in February if he’s already missed three lectures and is behind. He needs to be the energy behind turning this around. And if not- he just needs to understand that your financial resources are finite, and that the college is likely not going to let him stick around and major in EC Leadership. That is not a viable plan.
3- Is he healthy? Substances, mental health issues, sleep issues, nutrition/eating disorder, thyroid… if it’s been two years since his last doctor’s appointment it might be worth scheduling a physical. Obviously a thyroid condition has different next steps than too much drinking or using someone else’s adderal. But get some facts on the table.
And by the way- I can’t imagine encouraging him to take more math and science. For whatever reason- clearly not his friends. He needs to move on academically along a path which is working better with his learning style/study style/interests.
If you are describing a college like Haverford/Wesleyan (not good places for a slacker) he needs a mental adjustment if he still wants to stick with math and science.
Big, big hug.
Best of luck to you. This is SUCH a difficult thing. I have a child who has struggled some in college.
The issue with math and science isn’t always just that STEM courses are STEM courses, it is also that there is so little slack in those courses. If the student doesn’t put the work in, on a regular basis, it can be VERY difficult to retrieve a decent grade. So repeated very poor performance in those courses is a little like a canary in a mine shaft - a sign of fundamental difficulties that likely are present in all courses, just not manifesting in quite the same way.
A year or semester off might be a good idea, just as transferring might also be effective. Keep in mind that with transfers, there is a GPA calculated at the new school that does not include the GPA from the first school (although of course, an employer or grad school will require both transcripts). So transferring can be a fresh start in more ways than one.
One thing that can help, if it is affordable, is to get a support tutor (that you pay for yourself) that meets with the student more than once or twice a week. Sitting together, going through what has happened in class, what needs to be done, and even “hand holding” a bit to be sure that works get done. One way to find such a tutor is too search online for quality private K-12 private schools in the area. Sometimes those schools have teachers with good training, extra time, and an interest in some extra money!
The big picture concern that my family had is this: Some kids just are not wired to have an easy road in college but this does NOT mean that they are not good people or cannot be successful afterwards. The critical dilemma is that a college degree is usually required for most every career these days. So one approach is this: extra support to get the student through college, with an eye towards a major/career path that fits his specific personality strengths and weaknesses. AND trying to build a “resume” that includes personal connections, volunteering, etc.
If there is any sort of psych diagnosis, it may be possible to get approval for a reduced course load, at least for a semester or two. Some kids need a reduced load to get the feel for what is expected in each class. BUT there can be a downside to having lots of extra time!
Anyways, I sincerely wish you the best.
There is a need to choose courses carefully. I have a daughter who is a B-C student. I knew math and science would be hard for her, so we put those off until she had established a gpa. I did not expect C’s in some of her major classes (and she has since changed majors), so that was a set back freshman year. She actually just took her first of the required science courses, carefully chosen to be geography and not chemistry, and she got an A. She’s going on a study abroad semester and when she returns will have to take another science and the dreaded math, but she has an established gpa above 3.0 (required to keep her scholarship) and will have a few history and English classes to offset the science and math and make the semester more fun.
This semester she also only took 4 classes, 14 credits. That seemed to work for her. It may necessitate a summer school class or more likely an extra semester for her to graduate, but that’s worth it for her to get better grades.
A friend of ours son went to Princeton and had a similar experience. He went from being a top student and top musician to not being a second stringer in the orchestra and flunking science course. He ended up changing from a science major to psychology and still hasn’t graduated three years after he should have. They recently discover in addition to depression and anxiety he had Hashimoto’s and sleep apnea - all of which contributed to his fatigue and mental state. It’s always hard to know what to do, but I think for my son’s friend a year or two off sooner while they figured out what the problem was would have been much better than stumbling through college losing more and more confidence and with a lousy record.
Or Hamilton/Colgate.