One of the young women in my oldest’s freshman dorm made brownies and knocked on all the doors on her floor. She made friends fast! In my younger son’s first dorm there were nice roomy lounges on each floor and they got used a lot. His second dorm had a huge nasty lounge on the ground floor that didn’t get used a lot, and small lounges with uncomfortable furniture on the other floors. It was a much less sociable dorm.
I agree if open doors aren’t allowed, she needs to get out of the room and look for friends.
In my daughter’s freshman dorm all the doors were always closed (newer dorm - I don’t think there was a specific rule against it - but it had AC and heavy doors).
She made friends within a few weeks and she is an introvert. She knocked on doors and said hey let’s all go to the X event together or let’s go eat. Sat down in the dining hall and joined other people. Hung out in a common area (which became the hangout place for her friends all freshman year.) Joined several clubs. Spoke to people in her class.
There are so many ways to meet people. Go to the events planned by the RA (every college has RA sponsored events for the floor/building etc. for freshman).
I remember one time about a week into college my daughter cut short a phone call with me because the girl across the hall was making coffee for the whole floor (my daughter doesn’t drink coffee but she went.)
Your daughter is not at a disadvantage - all the kids in the dorm have their doors closed and they all want to make friends!
I got my daughter a door stopper to prop her door open–seemed like a good way to be social. But really, hating the school over this is an overreaction. If everyone is keeping their door closed she’s not disadvantaged. As others said, make cookies, plan something casual in the common room and put up a sign about it, etc.
It’s only been a few days. Encourage her to do little things to be social and meet people. Hopefully within a few weeks she will not even remember that this was an issue. Having her mom make a big deal of it does not seem helpful.
I don’t disagree with the suggestion to call and ask if it’s really a rule. Certainly plenty of people say something is a rule when it’s not. Either due to confusion or laziness. But I disagree that OP as the parent should call.
The daughter should be doing any of the inquiring, suggesting of activities, etc. As a parent, you can certainly suggest she ask someone higher up about the rule if she has an issue with it. You need to step back and let her handle these things. Doesn’t mean you can’t offer advice–but it does mean that your intervention should be reserved for extreme situations, not the immediate response when there’s a rule or policy that your kid doesn’t like.
I would have been mortified if my parents had called to complain about a dorm rule when I was in college. I expect my kids would be as well.
Thanks to all for suggestions. There are some good ones and I will pass them on.
Also thanks for some of the JUDGEMENTAL posts discounting feelings of my daughter and claiming I am not doing her any favors. For what it’s worth I have listened to her and have not passed on my feelings of anger to her. Her feelings are valid as are mine. I have used this forum to vent and state my feelings because I am being positive with her and not letting her know that I think it’s bull.
Okay, but ideally in case of fire you are going to want to OPEN the door and “leave the building.” Rather than relying on the door to protect you from smoke and fire. Whether or not you close it behind you on your way out is secondary.
Get your names on the door and get everyone else to do the same. Put some pix up. Knowing who lives where is very important. Put up a sign that says “please knock and meet us!” (when you are in).
Even if you kept the door open this would be important.
Bake some brownies. Make popcorn (the smell attracts for miles I think).
Get some games in the common area. Just donate and leave them there. My son made lots of friends with good ole Monopoly board game. Decks of cards. Invite people to play.
Instead of going out to eat, organize a pizza party in the common room for the floor–have pizza delivered. There are usually a ton of coupons from various places around town at the beginning of school.
My son’s floor was the envy of his dorm because everyone was so friendly and knew one another. Part of that was because of him–he likes games (we hauled tons of games up) and to cook (a spaghetti dinner for whomever showed up works wonders to make friends).
Of course you can make friends through clubs and classes but it’s nice to know your neighbors.
Great ideas gouf! Some good ideas even in dorms with open door policies. I especially like the idea of passing out the signs for doors…could start a whole new trend.
Her feelings (and yours) are of course valid. But the assumption that is fueling them–closed doors means I’m never going to make friends and have a social experience, is not. It does sound catastrophizing, which can increase the problem. Because if everyone is having to close doors, no, it doesn’t mean that everyone will always be alone and friendless. It is not the School Where No One Makes Friends. So helping her to shift her perspective, use the other available ways to meet people as well as her own efforts, will empower her.
Believe me, I’ve gone through my own D’s “I’m not meeting anyone” feelings, so I know how upsetting it can be. But you can help her re-align her view of the school as a whole, which is being warped by this issue, which will help her more in the long run.
This thread is an interesting read. I have seen people advocate for the “traditional” (vs suite) dorm rooms to help the kids connect with others, but if schools are going to this closed-door policy then they may as well just have a suite. I had a traditional back in the day and our doors were always open (unless we were doing illegal things). Hopefully S gets out to find his new people instead of just talking to his old HS people on the internet
Hi @bhs1978 just wanted to swing some support your way…if anything, I think you’re under-reacting to this Somebody upstream mentioned that the ability to keep a door open is “trivial” but there are huge movements within design and architecture and urban planning that look at this very topic…design isolation is one of the ways people disconnect from each other…and college is still one of the few places that breaks through this. To have someone toss out an arbitrary “keep your doors shut!” is worth questioning and i’d have no hesitation calling Housing.
Awe Thanks @SouthernHope. It’s thoughtful supportive responses like this one that made me want to vent my frustration on this site and I truly appreciate it. I know all will work out fine but it doesn’t change the feelings of the moment. I actually talked my daughter out of suite style because I’m such a firm believer in the open door traditional dorm experience. My best friends of 25 years are still from our freshman year dorm. We constantly have group chats and there are 12 of us that travel together every other year. I was so excited for my daughter to have the same experience. Clubs are great but they only meet periodically. Dorm life is an everyday thing.
In general, reserving the parental helicopter for when life and limb is at stake (you suspect your child is suicidal so you call the RA and then the Dean of Students) or when your child is spiraling downward (got a series of D’s and F’s on midterms so you call to find out who the heck is responsible for academic advising) is the way to go.
I say this as a highly neurotic parent who would have been happy to complain to “management” about every last, sub-optimal thing that happened during my kids college careers. Fortunately, my spouse is wired differently, and so my kids learned to either cope, complain effectively on their own, or learn to advocate for themselves when a policy was dumb or just not feasible.
Looking back I’m glad I sat on my dialing fingers all those times.
Seriously- your kid WILL make friends. You can vent here for sure. But beyond a “wow that must be frustrating” or “gee, I can’t believe it, how moronic” to validate your D’s feelings, you really will be grateful down the road that you gave your D space to grow into college. Every other kid on her floor is feeling just as isolated- a huge incentive for all of them to start being friendly and outgoing.
And 10 years from now when your D is facing a stupid policy at work and figures out- on her own- the best way to approach her boss, HR, an Ombudsman from the Legal team, or whomever the appropriate person is- she will be grateful to you for not trying to solve this problem for her freshman year. Very grateful. This is how kids learn how to navigate bureaucracy, get stupid policies changed, or learn to cope with the one size fits all rules of communal existence.
When we went to admitted students’ day at my daughter’s school, there was a Q & A session. There was some discussion about student housing and the fact that all freshmen have hall bathrooms (no suites). One upperclassman said she enjoyed the experience because she got to meet so many people while brushing her teeth in the shared bathroom. Now that might be gilding the lily a bit, but the point is you never know where you’re going to meet your best college friends. Everyone’s in the same position so maybe they’ll have to be a little more creative about how they go about this. Don’t worry mom, it’ll be fine…
Somebody upstream mentioned that the ability to keep a door open is “trivial” but there are huge movements within design and architecture and urban planning that look at this very topic…design isolation is one of the ways people disconnect from each other…and college is still one of the few places that breaks through this. To have someone toss out an arbitrary “keep your doors shut!” is worth questioning and i’d have no hesitation calling Housing.