First post! Hello College Confidential, I hope you can help me with my problem.
I will be attending a very affluent and homogeneous school in about two weeks. Being a less than wealthy black teenager, I am already on edge with my school and nervous to attend.
I contacted my roommate as soon as I was able, and I was surprised to find out that we’re complete opposites in everything.Race, sexuality, social status, religion, you name it.
We were discussing basic rules (our school makes us sign a roommate contract so we went over more personal questions) and she flat out tells me that she would allow people into our room (I’m guessing she means friends) but she would “really prefer guys not to spend the night”.
I had previously planned for a guy friend to come and stay one or two nights because he lived so close. How do I bring this sort of thing up to her? How do I come to terms with her with something like this? She’s a very nice girl and I want to not mess up the relationship we would have. But I also want to have a pretty active sex life in college.
I would try to have an open conversation with her. Be honest, and say you do intend to be sexually active in college. Because it is her room too, try to find a compromise- maybe your guy friend can spend the night, but you don’t sleep in the same bed. If you want to engage in those activities, establish a “heads up” system so your roommate doesn’t walk in. Agree to a number of times it can occur in a week, and if she says it absolutely cannot happen during say, finals week, let her set a boundary there. If you are both reasonable, you can work it out- you may also find it helpful to bring it to an RA if she is inflexible about compromise.
If your guy friend lives close, can’t you stay the night at his place?
Your roommate should not have to compromise on this. If she is uncomfortable with guys spending the night, then it is totally within her right to say no. It’s her room too.
My daughter’s roommate didn’t even want guys in the room. My daughter agreed (I wouldn’t have). The room was pretty small so they didn’t entertain in it, but it was the roommate who was the first to break the rule by inviting her boyfriend in.
Things will change as you get to know each other, but I don’t think you should expect to have boys spend the night or have the room privately at times when your roommate needs to (or just wants to) sleep, study, change clothing, etc. It’s the only space she has. You boyfriend lives close? He goes home at night.
You are probably waiting for other college age students to respond, and I am sure they will at some point. I am a mom and I had two girls who went through college recently. Both of my kids didn’t have issue if roommate’s boyfriend came every once in a while to visit (think of long distance relationship), but not if it is on a regular basis. Lucky for them, they had singles when they were freshmen and had their own bedroom when lived off campus. The only time they had to share a room was when they lived in a sorority sophomore year.
You can have an active sex life when your roommate is not in the room. How would you like it if your roommate were to have guys over regularly when you were in the room? Would you be comfortable in wearing your PJs or underwear in the room if there was a guy in the room? How would you feel if your roommate were to have an active sex life while you were in the room.
My D didn’t want any male sleep-overs in her room and I couldn’t agree more. She did put it in her original agreement but specified there could be further conversation I guess. (Long distance relationships where someone has to travel and needs a place to stay is another thing). I think she’s entitled to run around in her underwear in her own very expensive room. She paid nearly $8K to share a room, I think she’s entitled to decide no boyfriends. Why should she be uncomfortable? There are other places to meet.
I should specify- he lives about an hour away, but that’s still quite a bit of a drive to not have the luxury of staying the night. It’s not going to be life or death if he can’t sleep over, and it’s not like I’m not taking her feelings into consideration. I’ve already told him that she initially brought up the rule and that I agreed to it. And I wouldn’t completely sexile her- I’d most likely kick him out since I have a class at 8am and need sleep too.
My roommate has expressed that she will not be bringing anyone around because of her religion. And I feel like it’s an awkward conversation to have when we’re on two entirely different sides in the situation.
Other than the long distance relationship problem, how do I express to her these types of things if we’re so different? I just don’t want her to begin to resent me or dislike me because I’m stepping on her toes about issues like this.
I think you are being very reasonable in your thoughts. I know my D would have said fine to the occasional sleepover and might even let you know when she wouldn’t be around for an hour or two. So long as you aren’t thinking its okay to make the room your weekend haven…
I think it is up to the roommate, if she is not comfortable for whatever reason then no one should be sleeping over. A one hour drive is not that far, inconvenient for sure, but not that far.
Perhaps if he comes around a few times and she meets him she might change her mind.
I’ll probably just drop the issue with her and respect her wishes. As I said before, I won’t completely be crushed if he has to drive back and we won’t be able to spend all that much time with each other.
and @bjkmom I didn’t mean that we would be in the act all night lol. I’m a light sleeper, that’s all. It’d be rude to try and get it on with her in the room. I don’t want to do that.
If the OP is less than wealthy and attending an affluent school, they are probably on work study with a job of some type. Even if the OP is working a different job (or no job at all), depending on the area hotels may be too expensive to afford on a student’s budget. If it’s workable for your friend to drive home or for him to stay with guy friends, that’s a better plan, as long as it is a one or two time event and not every week. From the way you phrased the question it’s kind of unclear if your guy friend is just a friend or a friend with benefits, and if you are asking two separate questions (guy friend coming up a couple of times and sex life) or one unified question (guy friend coming up regularly for said sex life - I assume you would say if he were your boyfriend). If your friend with benefits lives an hour away, I think you might have to downgrade your relationship back to just friends, because semi-distant relationships are inconvenient in college even for very committed couples. If he is your boyfriend, that’s a different matter which presents some further challenges.
That said, OP, you are out of luck with getting your way in this case. Not having strangers of the opposite sex sleeping over in her space is a completely reasonable restriction. Sharing a space with someone is a challenge, especially when the person has very different habits from you. The key is maintaining open communication so things don’t fester. I think you should be open about the fact that you are planning on having a sex life, but make it clear that you will not sexile her overnight and make an effort to have most of your sex in a manner which doesn’t inconvenience her. Ask her about her schedule - maybe one or two nights she goes to choir practice or a club meeting and then you can have the room. There are a lot of ways you can try and be flexible so you can both be as comfortable as possible.
Last I checked, “really prefer not” is not the same thing as “banned.” Maybe there’s a workable compromise in terms of frequency, advanced notice, etc. Maybe she feels differently about a boyfriend vs. hookups. Won’t know unless you talk about it. That’s the whole point of the contract nonsense.
^I came to say the same thing as iwannabe_Brown. Your roommate may have a preference, but what she does not have is a right to decide the rules for your room unilaterally. You have to come to a decision together about what you will and won’t allow in your room. It is not “her right” to disallow your guests any more than it is your right to have them over all the time.
Maybe you can come to a compromise as to how often they can stay, what kinds of activities you’ll be pursuing while they do stay over, what kind of heads-up notice you’ll give the roommate, etc.
However, I will say this - while you are free to have an active sex life in college, do realize that your active sex life will likely take place outside of the dorms as long as you are in a double. Realistically you have to be a bit creative about when and where when you’re sharing a room with someone.