<p>I'm new to the forum but came here hoping that I could find some comfort and support from other parents who have children studying abroad. My son, Seth who is a junior in college here in Tennessee is leaving on the 30th of this month to study abroad in Japan. I've known that he was going for a while now but as the time gets closer, I find myself really having a hard time with it all. I'm sure all parents go through this but I am not sure what to do to help myself feel less anxious about it all. Seth is a good kid, not a partying type all at and a very good student. I trust him totally and know that he has a good head on his shoulders. Still, Japan is a long way away! I am use to him being within a 40 minute drive away from me and having him travel so far away is making me feel very depressed and nervous.
I am really happy for him that he is getting to do something that he really wants to do and that is travel and have time in Japan. I know all children have to grow up and go their own way but still, this is hard. I have been fine all summer but found myself crying a good bit yesterday (not in front of him!) after we went shopping for some things he needs for the trip. When we were eating yesterday, I looked across the table at him and saw the little boy he once was. I just felt sad and teary eyed all day long..</p>
<p>Every day leading up to his departure we are doing things to get ready for him to be gone and I'm so afraid I'm going to end up in tears all the time. I don't want to do that but am really finding myself having a hard time right now. He's never flown before, yet he has about an 19 hour trip to Japan very soon. Frankly that scares me to death. I'm sure he will be fine but I just feel like my worry and anxiety is really taking off right now.</p>
<p>If anyone has any advice or words of comfort, I would appreciate it. I feel pretty alone in this right now. I have been divorced from Seth's dad for many years and he is not in Seth's life. My partner loves Seth dearly but she has never had children and I'm not sure she can understand exactly what I'm going through.
Thanks for reading and listening. I just really need some help and support right now.
Ronala</p>
<p>My son is currently in Ecuador, so I can empathize. One advantage I had over you is that he has had two years at a college about 2000 miles away, so I have gotten over the distance thing.</p>
<p>Although your feelings are very real, try to focus on the grand adventure aspect of it for Seth. The flying is safe. Japan is safe. He will come back with an amazing transformational experience under his belt. Spend your energy figuring out how to use skype and you can talk to him a couple of times each week. Get a map of the city where he will live; look at it on google earth. Don’t allow your sense of loss to tarnish this experience for him.</p>
<p>But the feelings are very real; they are one of the prices of having had him in your life all these years.</p>
<p>This is a great opportunity for Seth. From your post, it is clear that you know that. A certain amount of anxiety in this situation is normal. Just remember, that your anxiety is your challenge, not Seth’s. If you need to see a counselor for strategies and skills to help deal with it, there is plenty of time after you drop Seth off at the airport. Seperate Seth’s year in Japan from your emmotional discomfort. Do not send him off saddled with worry over you. Be enthusiastic for his opposrunity to grow.</p>
<p>Ronala, our son did a semester in Europe his junior year. It was unsettling to me to have an ocean between us; there was the awareness that I couldn’t just jump in my car and get to him if I needed to. </p>
<p>Make sure you have and know how to use Skype. It is free. Instead of having a pre-arranged, set time to talk, we would make appointments by email as we went. See what works for you.</p>
<p>I hope you will have the opportunity to visit Seth in Japan at some point. It was really good for me to see how competent our kid was. But in any event, this is, as you know, a fabulous opportunity for your son and just one more step in his maturation and learning.</p>
<p>Hang in there. Like so many other things, what is good for our kids can be difficult for us!</p>
<p>I don’t have any words of wisdom for you, but I just wanted to say that I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time. I hope things get easier. </p>
<p>A few years ago I was in your son’s position - I studied abroad in China, my parents live in the UK. Like you, they never showed they were upset. I didn’t realize how hard it must have been for them until a few years later, when we drove back from the airport after sending my brother off on his study abroad trip. They were incredibly upset, and it was only then that I understood how difficult it must have been for them when I went away. The reason I say this is because if it feels like your son doesn’t understand your feelings, it’s not that he doesn’t care - he most likely doesn’t know!</p>
<p>You know what, it doesn’t matter how far your son goes - he’ll still be the little boy you love when he comes back That’s not to say he won’t have changed, grown up, experienced more - but he will still, always, be your son. </p>
<p>Do you have Skype set up on your computer? If so you can chat to him while he’s away.</p>
<p>Japan? One of the safest countries on the planet, if that is any comfort. And beautiful, modern and clean. He will love Japan.</p>
<p>When my son was in South Africa for six months during his junior year, we Skyped every week, too. It really helped, as his college was only 90 minutes away from home, so we, like you, were used to having him fairly close by. It was a long six months from our standpoint, I will admit, but what a wonderful opportunity for him! </p>
<p>I sympathize, but be happy he’s going to such a safe and comfortable country.</p>
<p>The world is a much smaller place now with internet and skype. I went off to Indonesia and China in 84-85 as a college student and I can’t imagine how my mother dealt with that. To call home, I had to go into the center of town and order an international call. I had no phone in my apartment and the one at the university couldn’t receive international calls. I actually sent telexes for urgent messages but otherwise got by through letters back and forth from home. I wasn’t anxious in the least, I was just excited about my adventure. I knew my Mom would be there when I got back. </p>
<p>I just read a blog from a student (at my undergrad) who is studying in China. He set it up to post stories, video, pics for his friends and family. It was so multidimensional and this guy is in a remote city in China’s interior. Really impressive what you can do with an internet connection to stay in touch! My dh’s family is in China, and we have videochat. Only big issue is the 12 hr time difference!</p>
<p>My son spent the summer in the middle east. It wasn’t quite as clean or welcoming as he had hoped - power outages and water shortages and horribly uncomfortable temps made it a challenge to enjoy - but still he had a transformative experience.</p>
<p>He posted many pictures to his FB to share with friends and family. We used Skype video and chat. The global cell that I bought for him didn’t work well, though. </p>
<p>He wasn’t big on email or blogging.</p>
<p>We probably talked to him on Skype more this summer than I did talk to him on the phone while he has been a student at his college. It was a challenge with the time difference, but we figured it out. </p>
<p>It’s hard to let them go. But, it’s so good for them. Seth is going to have an amazing experience!</p>
<p>I agree with the previous posters. Your feelings are real, and they are probably intensified by the fact that it’s all at once for you. I have had a chance to get used to this in steps. My D, who is now in Paris for the semester, took her first overseas trip (also to Paris) as a sophomore in HS. That time she travelled with a group, so I could have confidence in the adults travelling with her. Since then, she went to college halfway across the US - far, but she was growing up and was still int he US, spent part of last summer in Morocco - really far, and really unknown to us and to her, and headed off to Paris this fall. This time, I realized that she is the adult taking care of her, and as she left I asked her to “take care of my little girl.”</p>
<p>It will definitely be a great experience for Seth. It is okay if he knows you are worried, but don’t let him know HOW worried - since you want him to go off with lots of excitement and only a little nervousness. If he feels ready to do this, then he is!</p>
<p>I also agree that today’s technology makes this so much easier. When my roommate went to South America way back in the dark ages it was nearly impossible for anyone, her parents included, to reach her. I know this because I actually had to call her at one point about something really critical, and it was a huge challenge and ridiculously expensive. Thank heavens for the internet and for Skype.</p>
<p>Try to enjoy his experience as you get news of it. And feel free to come here for a “pick me up” when the worry gets to you.</p>
<p>I know just how you feel. My daughter left a month ago for a semester in a medium-sized town in a distant South American country. I was (and am) very supportive of this endeavor even though I knew I would miss having her only an hour away. Unfortunately, she has struggled a lot with the transition. Adjusting to her homestay family, the winter weather, the cultural differences and the language barriers have been tougher than she or I anticipated. Of course, I had wanted her to have a wonderful time and it has also been hard for me to know how much she is struggling. </p>
<p>I will echo what previous posters have said: SKYPE! She has used Skype to call my cellphone, instant message and video chat. I never initiate the calls but I try to be available at certain times of the day, just in case. It helps so much that I can talk to her and, through skype, we can actually see each other. I think the connection has helped her weather the difficult times and I can see, and hear, that she is making the adjustments and it is getting better for her. Skype is wonderful – for both parent and child, I think.</p>
<p>My D was in South Africa last semester, and she had very little technology available for us to communicate. About every week or so we had a short phone call - no Skype and very little e-mail because she was in national parks with weak internet availability.</p>
<p>She had been at college far away for 2 years, so I was used to the separation, but I did have to deal with the worries about what could happen to her. I reminded myself that she she was a capable adult; I relied on the fact that she was with experienced, knowledgeable staff who were watching out for her. But really the most helpful thing I did for myself was to use denial on a regular basis: I just didn’t let myself think about what she was doing or what could go wrong. My imagination wanted to have her falling off of cliffs and trampled by elephants, but I just had to pretend she wasn’t even there to turn that off.</p>
<p>My hardest time was the last few days when some of the students rented a car and took a trip on their own, after the program was over. Basically I just counted the hours until she got on the plane … thank goodness it wasn’t more than a long weekend, because that was hard.</p>
<p>When it was all over I could laughingly tell her how I dealt with the situation. She had a wonderful time, and someday she’ll get to be in my shoes!</p>
<p>On the flip side, I am now a host mother to a Japanese exchange student. Not a day goes by that I realize I am responsible for the child of a mother who is far away hoping, and having to assume, that her daughter is OK. I can definitely relate to that. And my kid was 20, not 16.</p>
<p>I think during times like this denial is a very, very helpful coping method. Worrying doesn’t help anyone, and as you know basically your only job is to get through this and not to have any negative influence on his experience. Get help if you need to, and keep talking to us if it’s useful. Good luck!</p>
<p>I feel so bad for you because I went through this three years ago. My daughter studied in France and I knew that it was the perfect situation for her, I very much wanted her to go, and I knew that she would be in a very safe place–but I still dreaded that departure day! She is an only child and attended a college only about an hour away, so I understand how hard it can be when suddenly there’s an ocean separating you from your child.</p>
<p>As others have noted, Japan is a very safe country. Several young men from my daughter’s HS studied there and they had a super experience. Your son is so lucky to get the chance to immerse himself in such a fascinating culture. This experience will likely have a tremendous impact on him–who knows where it may lead him? I know that you recognize this already (good for you!), so I will tell you that when I felt down about my daughter’s long absence I would remind myself that she was doing exactly what she wanted to do and the right thing was for me to be very happy for her. That really helped.</p>
<p>Also, my husband and I visited her at her host family’s home and met the family. (And got to tour her lovely host city). We had traveled in France a number of times before that, so we were familiar with the country. Since you haven’t been to Japan, maybe you could find some books and websites about the country and its culture so that you can appreciate your son’s experience a bit more. </p>
<p>I found that skype didn’t work for us as well as gchat (google chat). And her phone situation was not so good (her French cell was so expensive), so we relied on email and gchat a lot. I’m sure you can work something out with your son so that you can easily stay in touch.</p>
<p>So what worked for me was: knowing that my daughter was one of the lucky few (unlike me), who got to live and study abroad and being sincerely glad for her, forcing myself to be rational about safety issues, and staying in touch via the internet. </p>
<p>As far as the plane trip, don’t worry. Air travel is quite safe and he’s surely better off than if he were driving cross country. I knew that my daughter was perfectly safe in the air, but I was confess that I did “watch” her return flight home throughout the day with one of the online flight trackers, LOL. Before you know it, you’ll be doing the same with Seth! Best of luck to you both!</p>
<p>I need to run, but just want to chime in that I understand. My son just returned from a year studying in Japan, so feel free to PM me if you have any questions. Your son is in for an amazing adventure!</p>
<p>Thank you all so much for your encouragement. It really helps me to hear from other parents who have gone through (or are going through) this same thing. I think feeling alone in all this is the worst thing of all.
I am feeling a little better with it all today.No tears and he and I have worked all day packing up a lot of the stuff he will leave her with me at home. Maybe I just NEEDED to cry for a bit yesterday and feel sad. I know sometimes you just have to do that. I really do feel better today. And I would never cry in front of my son or let him see how worried or upset I really was. He knows in a healthy way that I will always worry about him as his mother but he also knows that I am very happy for him and that I look forward to hearing all about Japan and his adventures. He knows I want him to do the things he wants to do in life and grow up to be an independent person. I think it might be harder for me because he has always been close by and also because he is my youngest child. My oldest son is in college an hour and a half away and my middle son works the same distance away. So none of my children have ever been that far away from me. I’m sure it’s going to take some getting use to.</p>
<p>I know it’s going to be tough in the coming days but I am very happy that he is going to Japan and that it is such a safe country. I think I will feel better when he is actually there and that long flight is out of the way. At least he does not have many connections. He just has one and then he will be on the way to Japan.</p>
<p>Thank you all again for your comments. Even from the person who’s child is having a tough time adjusting to studying abroad. I know that is always a possibility since he is going to be traveling to a place that will be very different. I would love to hear from anyone who’s child is traveling abroad and how it’s going. And I’m sure I’ll be back here again for support–especially the day he leaves and the time after. Thanks again to everyone…
Ronala
PS. I also meant to tell you all that I do have Skype and have used it for several years now. Seth and I are planning to not only email but Skype whenever we can. You are so right in that it’s not like years ago when we didn’t have this option. I am thankful we will be able to talk and he can send pictures. A blog is a great idea and we just bought him a brand new digital camera to take along to document everything. I can’t wait to see the pictures! :)</p>
<p>One thing that may be helpful for Seth is a linked bank account. Or credit card. </p>
<p>It’s easy to transfer online if he gets in a pinch for money, or to help him with emergencies. Also, notifying the bank/credit card company that he will be in Japan (or which other possible countries) if he needs to use it will keep the fraud line from calling you wondering if it is a legit purchase! (That happened to us this summer.)</p>
<p>Also, make sure he makes copies of all his documents - passport, any identification, credit cards, etc and leave a copy with you.</p>
<p>Does he have Student health insurance through his program? I had to purchase a separate plan for the 3 months my son was away, which was very cheap.</p>
<p>Things can be more expensive in Japan, so he might find that some purchases that would be very inexpensive here might cost more, there. He will figure it out, but it might come as a shock!</p>
<p>Ronala, it’s not a bad thing that you are processing this sadness ahead of time, and it sounds like you’re doing it in a healthy way. For me, this “anticipatory grief,” or whatever it is, is a way of getting myself set to deal with difficulties. I have more trouble with the difficult reactions that catch me by surprise!</p>
Maybe the best thing. Ever. Useless for me when D was abroad in a language total immersion…but just great now. It is amazing what seeing the kid’s face (and cat, and apartment, and new drapes) does for me. I hope it works for you , too, OP.</p>
<p>A semester abroad sponsored by his college sounds like one of the best ways to spend time in a foreign country. Schools usually pay attention to the details to ensure a good stay. He will have his school’s resources behind him. Japan is so stable compared to the changing politics of many other study abroad locations. And now, not only email, but Skype access.</p>
<p>Have you saved your money, renewed your passport and gotten your Visa for Japan yet? Probably a great chance for you to visit that country near the end of his stay.</p>
<p>My youngest daughter moved to New York after graduation. ( I was scared for her safety, just a little.) However, now she lives in Singapore. On daylight savings time, she is exactly 12 hours ahead of us. I know how safe Singapore is, so I really don’t worry about her safety. I do worry a bit about her travels around Asia. (She went caving in Malaysia and encountered 12" centipedes and a python.) She is having a ball traveling all over Asia with her many new friends. </p>
<p>We skype with her a couple of times a month. One of the big problems with being in Asia is the large time difference. If possible, try to set a specific day or time that you do it. We usually plan a couple of days in advance. One thing to do with skype, is have him walk the computer around (if it is a laptop) and show you his living spaces. I had a much better sense of where she was once she did that. Her first place was on the 27th floor of a building that overlooked the harbor. It was a spectacular view. </p>
<p>Encourage him to travel throughout Japan. This will be a once in a lifetime experience. It will change him. Oh, and give him some extra money to have him purchase and send you post cards. They are so much fun to receive. Good luck. You both will do fine.</p>
That’s not to say he won’t have changed, grown up, experienced more - but he will still, always, be your son. </p>