So, DD19 is a pretty good student. She’s in the midst of college apps right now. We’ve been doing all the right things (touring schools, discussing finances, etc) since last year. She has a list of 12 schools that she is applying to, half of them are PA state schools. I feel confident that the private schools she applied to will admit her, but I don’t think they will give enough merit to get down to annual COA of $20k, which is what we can afford. In any case, she is not really in love with any one school where she feels she MUST go there. It looks like her top three are actually West Chester, Bloomsburg and Kutztown. Hoping she can get into honors college at one of these and she would be perfectly happy.
This weekend it seems like the wind was taken out of her sails quite a bit and after prodding she told me that a group of girls in one of her classes were discussing some of these schools and openly mocking them, citing their high admission rates, partying, etc. She seemed somewhat depressed after this. Anyone else dealing with this? I wish she wouldn’t let the opinions of others (esp those who do not even matter to her!) take away her excitement or interest. Any advice for me in trying to pump her back up again?
It’s hard for a 17 year old to understand the finances, but come next May a lot of those girls will be going to much less expensive colleges than they plan to right now. We know a lot who had OOS flagships and NYU on the short lists, but ended up at the state college. (and by the way, they are very happy).
Just encourage your daughter to do her own thing. She might be able to boast soon that she’s been offered an honors program spot, a scholarship, a program that is just perfect for her. My daughter never cared what anyone else thought about her choice, but getting a talent scholarship made her feel even better.
Sorry she heard that. Did the girls insult her colleges directly to her? Or did she overhear them? This process can be really hard on all types of students. I would tell her they are probably just trying to make themselves feel better by putting down other colleges. And believe me, until acceptances and financial aid packages roll in most kids have no idea where they will be going. Easy to talk big now.
FWIW my kids go to one of PA’s top public high schools and a healthy number of kids attend nearby West Chester and do very well. I think the town is charming.
My DD2 had a “friend” who was constantly barraging her with questions about where our DD was applying.
Then, she would make fun of my dd’s choices.
I finally told our dd, “Quit telling anyone where you are applying!
If she continues to prod you, just tell her you’re only applying to a few schools that Mom and Dad can afford.”
This didn’t seem to appease the friend but dd held firm. “My parents gave me a budget”. Finally, DD got into her schools.
The “friend” did as well, but the child didn’t check with her parents about costs. Although “friend” got into Berkeley, the parents were unwilling to pay tuition/R&B. The “friend” begged us to convince her parents, that she should go to Berkeley. I remember saying: “If your parents can’t spare that money, how will you pay? No one is going to loan an 18 year-old that kind of money.”
DD and “friend” did not remain friends. The “friend” was so bitter about having to attend CCC, while classmates went away to the UCs, that she stopped “friendship” with our dd and friend group. Good riddance!
Tell your daughter, these classmates may have bigger dreams than their parents. Your child will be fine and will find her fit.
DD only applied to PASSHE schools and she wasn’t too happy about it. Some of these HS kids really have very high opinions of themselves and no understanding of finances. A few of DD’s HS friends are attending colleges they can not afford! I know of one who is only doing this semester and will have to come home.
I had long discussions with mine about the realities of expectations, finances and a successful life. It is what it is, these are your options and quite frankly your lucky to have them. You don’t need to discuss them with anyone and I would encourage your DD to do the same.
Mine ended up choosing WCU. I will say, the Honors college is tough to get into. DD had to interview and didn’t make it. Only 40 kids out of the roughly 300 who were invited to apply were accepted. Your D’s stats are higher than mine, so I imagine she would be a prime candidate for this. They have their own floor in one of the dorms and other perks, so very worth the effort.
Let it pass. If it continues then your daughter should find out something special about the schools and say “not sure what your talking about but… Xxx(something about the school. …seems awesome to me”
Or if she wants to remain friends just be honest… “heh, guys…I actually like these schools…”
I. Am sure they were not doing it on purpose. But it seems so childish if this is how her friends are. My son’s school really told the student body not to make any negative comments about any person choices and really explained the right college for one person might not be the right college for someone else.
I remember several years ago, a friend’s son got into Cal Poly SLO early decision. For those of you not in CA, this is a great school and much harder to get into than it used to be (well, like pretty much everywhere), plus it’s a super bargain if you are in state, but I guess this kid’s friends were all aiming much higher and were not at all impressed that he’d settled for Cal Poly. Well, that lasted until about April when none of them got into Stanford or MIT or even Berkeley and I think they all ended up at schools that were pretty equivalent to Cal Poly.
Anyway, maybe you could find some personal stories from people who took out massive student loans and how they regretted it years later? Do you think that sort of thing would help her get more comfortable with her options?
Central PA resident here. The PASSHE schools have the “everyone gets in, party school” rep with kids in my area too. Which is interesting because, like @houndmom ,we have a healthy number of kids from our area attend PASSHE schools.
Lots of people don’t really understand the two tiers of “state” schools here. Or that Penn State, Pitt, and Temple in-state costs are quite a bit higher than PASSHE costs. It is my feeling that the two financial tiers also create two reputation tiers.
The bottom line is that your D is being really smart about her options. Honoring the budget and ensuring that affordable options are on the table is highly admirable. And she doesn’t owe anyone an explanation.
That said, I like the advice given here by other posters. “I feel more comfortable having knowing that I have some affordable options on my list.” is a great response. It would shut the other person down and remind your D that she is already making thoughtful decisions. Can these other kids say the same?
Girls can be so mean. These schools don’t have a good reputation in part due to the lack of selectivity but also because of the lack of funding - their reputation was better in the 80s apparently (when they were well funded). If the girls are upper middle class and have never discussed costs, they’re also talking through the lens of privileged kids, who mock schools they find ‘beneath’ them.
She could add a few (if she hasn’t already), like Susquehanna, Muhlenberg, York, Allegheny, Elizabethtown, or even further away, Wooster, Ohio Wesleyan, Hobart &WilliamSmith, St Lawrence, UScranton, Siena, st Bonaventure - names she could throw around if need be.
Is there any commutable branch campus?
West Chester, especially honors, is a solid option. It’s also a terrific choice if you can’t afford one of the flaghips - in some ways better than the branches. Obviously try PSU/Pitt main&branches, plus Temple (if she can get into wcu she can get into Temple and depending on scores perhaps even honors) - just in case she gets some scholarship, but they are indeed pricing out most Pennsylvanians with their insane instate prices and lack of financial aid. (That caused a precipitous drop in rankings this year when the social mobility criteria were added to the USNWR formula, and that might push them to do better by the Commonwealth residents… One can hope).
Eh, people will always have their opinions. You know what they say about opinions. I say pay them no mind and do what’s best for you and your family. Once a friend of mine made a joke/snarky remark about another mutual friend of ours having gone to a “state college”. I reminded her that one of my siblings went to that same state college. Well, I guess she had forgotten about that because she backpedaled really quickly.
That would totally bother DD’19 too. She is easily swayed by her peers or her own bias. Due to her budget and major, she doesn’t have a lot of choices. Thought we found one this summer but a coworker of hers attended there and told her the major was good but the school “wasn’t great”. Instant turn off for DD. I haven’t pushed it because there is another option closer to home. At the moment DD is not excited for that option either but it’s because she’s being snobby- not her classmates who seem to like it. They may actually be successful in getting her to come around. Anyway, one thing I say that seems to resonate with her is that college is 32-ish months of her life and if she can do it without loans she will be so much freer to live where and how she wants the rest of her life.
DD’17 encountered some adults who made comments about her choosing a community college program. So then she got shy about telling people. But she knew that’s where she wanted to be so she just decided to own it and tell them her plans confidently. And bring up the money savings if appropriate. She is still very happy with her decision and now other kids (that are also smart) from our town are starting to go there more (it’s not the closest cc to our town) so she says she’s a trendsetter.
Also tell her that this is a very specific few months in her life when people comment about where people are going to college. Once she picks a place, everyone is like “Cool!”
In addition, tell her that her friends can pick her college when they pay for it.
The friends may end up at similar colleges once they find out where they can get in and afford.
My kid had a peer group of very competitive kids, who looked down at his list as not “competitive enough.” We built the list based on finances – we knew we needed merit to make out full pay status work, so his list was schools where he would not only get in but also get substantial merit. When he was starting to feel badly about peer’s comments to him, we worked on a few sentences he could have ready to talk about why he is excited about his schools, including the merit money. Once he knew he had an easy rejoinder, he stopped feeling as tense about it all.
And as others have mentioned, once kids find out in the spring that they didn’t get in or can’t afford those other schools, the field becomes much more level. And by Sept, none of it matters. But when a kid is feeling isolated or self-conscious in the fall of senior year, it can add to the challenges so having a response helps.
Sorry that happened. I try to explain to my kids that people favor schools for different reasons from money to relatives to geographic locals to personal preference etc and they dislike colleges for those same reasons and more. Also, that you cannot control what others do and say.
Ideally as @thumper1 one said she can put off talking about it until May 1st but at some high schools people are relentless in asking and poking into your process. For your daughter she might say, when asked ,I am thinking of some instate schools and a few within budget OSS. Going into the individual choices brings heartache when people critique them. Since she just heard their comments explain to her how these girls have no idea what schools cost and what their parents are willing to pay likewise they have no idea where they will end up.
She is smart to be learning now about finances and affordability now and will be miles ahead later
These schools don’t have a good reputation in part due to the lack of selectivity but also because of the lack of funding - their reputation was better in the 80s apparently (when they were well funded). If the girls are upper middle class and have never discussed costs, they’re also talking through the lens of privileged kids, who mock schools they find ‘beneath’ them.