Does anyone here have a kid who may be regretting the school they committed to? I think my kid now wishes he had committed to Rice. It was a hard choice at the end, since he really, really likie Rice for the past 3 years. For the past 2 days, he’s been wearing Rice and Rice Engineering shirts. Only thing I said was, You feeling kinda sad? He said yeah, he was. Is this normal?
So, is my kid the only one who may have regrets? I’m getting worried now.
I think its normal to feel some “buyer’s remorse”.
@doschicos I am hoping that’s all it is. Last house we bought, we second guessed ourselves until after we moved in.
I can’t say whether it’s normal or not, but it certainly is common. I’ve heard a third of the college bound seniors I’ve talked to in the last few weeks express anxiety or regret.
It’s about separation anxiety. It’s about the cost. Will they be able to make the grade? Did they make the right decision? Will they have any friends?
Kid isn’t worried about friends, he has them at both schools. It’s almost as though he feels he betrayed Rice, even though he loves the school he’s going to.
I think it’s a personality thing—some people tend to regret, and others don’t. There’s a good book about regret: Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda, by Arthur Freeman. My guess is that quite a few students have regrets about the schools they committed to—in fact, I read recently that some students actually commit to more than one school, just to keep their options open as long as possible. That said, you might ask your son if, given the choice again, he’d make the same decision. If he says no, that he’d choose Rice, you might explore why and ask him to consider all the reasons he made the choice he did. If it seems like he really did make the “wrong” decision, he could potentially contact Rice and ask if he could change his mind. You never know—they might say yes. But there must have been compelling reasons for him to make the choice he did, so I’d encourage him to think about those before taking that step. Good luck!
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Totally relate. I fell in love with Rice and was set on it, but then my Stanford acceptance just came out of nowhere and I took Stanford over Rice. The decision gave me hell in April… I definitely felt like I betrayed Rice. It’s like I had to pretend that I never loved it. It’s a tough decision to make.
It also depends on where your son decided to commit. Stanford isn’t too different from Rice and I’ve grown to love it just as much, but if he’s going to an east coast school then the environment will probably be pretty different (barring Tufts or something). For me, the feeling of betrayal’s kind of gone with time, but I guess that may not be the case for your son. Maybe it’s just a random surge of emotion that will come and go, maybe not. In that case, maybe he should reconsider if he really feels that strongly about Rice.
I hope things get better for you and your son—I know I cried so much when I turned down Rice, but I also know Rice will be just fine without me 
I think for many people it’s very difficult not to regret when they’ve heard significantly earlier from their initial first-choice school and had several months to see themselves as a student there, tell everyone, wear the gear, participate in the accepted students’ Facebook group, etc. My son had a very difficult choice and, fortunately, isn’t a regretter, but I am; when he ultimately chose a different school than the one he’d been admitted to early, it was very hard on me, even though both schools were great and I understood (and agreed with!) the reasons he made the decision he did—and even though the school he committed to was my own initial first choice and much more convenient! I think it’s very hard not to develop a strong bond with the early acceptance school—it’s a huge advantage for these schools in terms of their yield, and it makes seriously considering other schools very difficult for students (and their parents!). And even though it shouldn’t, it can indeed end up feeling like a betrayal of the first school when a student ultimately chooses another.
Mine did not have a clear favorite so no regrets, didn’t fall in love with any school.
I didn’t have this happen, but there are many kids coming on the board this time of year with such issues. Some just have regret that they can’t have both. Yo have to give one up to take the other so there is a bit of processing that letting go. Others made a bad financial decision or really feel strongly about the other school later. One girl just reported committing to Fordham which was really unaffordable then calling Temple and asking if she could accept after she had declined them and they said yes.
Yeah, I can relate to this as a transfer. I had my heart set on Bard, and had no reason to believe I’d get in anywhere else, so I spent about a month completely convinced that I’d be a Bard student. Then I got into Amherst with significantly better financial aid, and even though the money made it a no-brainer it was hard to stop seeing myself at Bard. Even after getting excited about Amherst and becoming fully convinced that it was the better choice, it was really hard to send the email to Bard saying that I would no longer be matriculating. As @vozvratsaa says, I felt like I was betraying Bard somehow.
I think this reaction is perfectly normal. Students “court” schools and vice versa and like any relationship, it hurts when you “break up” even when it is for the right reasons.
^^exactly- well said, @NorthernMom61
The whole process is such a big deal- all the weight that school, friends & family give this one decision: tet the ‘right’ school, the ‘best’ fit, the ‘most’ whatever (opportunities, finaid, whatever). The waiting to see what ones will take you. After working so hard to write the ‘why I want you’ essays for a number of schools -that she didn’t really want, she had her heart set elsewhere, but knew she needed backup options, D2 felt guilty saying ‘no’- and those weren’t even schools she every thought she wanted.
Trust me this happens to everybody to some extent and I think there is a strong psychological basis. If you think about it you can only go to one school. Thus for the school you go to you have the ability to experience it, but for the other school you project your feelings thoughts and beliefs onto it since you could never really experience it.
I think your son and I had similar experiences. I was deciding between Harvard and Yale, and chose the former. From what I can gather, Rice probably had a better reputation of being happier and more amenable to students than the other school he chose. Same with Yale in comparison to Harvard. So when making my decision and for up till a couple days ago I was under extreme stress and literally several times a day thought about Yale and whether I made the wrong choice. Heck, I even considered emailing my AO several times telling them I made the wrong choice and hoping all the waitlisted kids hadn’t taken up all the spots.
The day I was going to commit to Harvard, my Yale AO emailed me asking if there was anything to do to help my decision, and it literally tormented me because I felt guilt about how could I ever imagine myself turning down Yale, the person who advocated for me, and it made the decision feel so personal.
This was compounded with me being in both Facebook groups and seeing all the Yale kids getting excited.
Honestly, I’ve come to a point where I realize Harvard is better for me, but I think you and my son will find that the feelings may not truly go away until you go the the school you chose. In other words you’ll have free time to think about the decision until you get so invested in the new school it will fade away.
If your son is still having stress, and he expresses doubts try to just remind him or help remind him why he made that choice. I’ve found it so helpful just to have a friend around who listened to me ramble about why I liked Harvard and why I Yale wasn’t the best fit for me. It helped me mentally confirm my decision because once I talked it out it became apparent. But at the end keep it firm, and say you made the right choice, don’t let the conversation terminate with uncertainty. Just be like based on the point you make, I can tell the school is right for you.
Dan Gilbert has an amazing TED talk on “synthetic happiness”–the more options you have the less happier you are, because when something doesn’t seem ideal you project onto the other scenario that you think could have happened. He talks about college choices in the video which couldn’t be more accurate. Watch it, have your son watch it for reassurance. Good luck!
@dancelance Yes, turning down Yale for anywhere is heartbreaking—my son did that for Stanford. (He turned down Harvard too, but that wasn’t the same for us, even though some people thought doing so was crazy.) I think you’re right that when the OP’s son is actually at the school, any lingering feelings of regret will likely dissipate.
Interesting about the TED talk—there’s a whole literature in psychology on counterfactual thinking, which is what imagining things that “might have been” is.
@vozvratsaa S committed to MIT, which he does love.
Feelings of regret are definitely normal- a kid at my high school switched her deposit twice in the 2 weeks after May 1. As for myself, even thought my college decision was a no-brainer, lately I’ve started to question if I can handle the academic intensity of the school I’m going to and if I should’ve chosen an “easier” school that offered me slightly more money.
I can definitely relate. I picked WashU over Tufts, which had been one of my top choices for two years, whereas I applied to WashU because I didn’t have to write any extra essays. When I finally decided on May 1st, I ended up crying that night because I just didn’t know if I had made the right choice. I still have flashes of buyer’s regret, but buying all the school gear, reading through the Facebook group (and leaving Tufts’ group!), and putting away everything that related to Tufts has helped a lot. I think your son probably just needs some space from Rice and to get excited about MIT.
It’s just awful to have to say no to the schools that were generous enough to extend admission to you, especially after you know how crummy rejection feels after being rejected for the last month. The only schools I wouldn’t feel bad rejecting are the ones who rejected me. 
I don’t have buyer’s remorse over picking UNCW, as it was a no-brainer compared to some of the other schools I got into. However, I will admit that writing the Quinnipiac decline letter was the most difficult thing I had to do in a while.