Any other parents having a hard time embracing their kid’s final choice and moving forward? This has been such a long and stressful process and I know intellectually that my D made a good choice for herself. But I’m just having a hard time letting go of all the other options and feeling good about her final choice. She chose the option that is a good academic fit and a strong academic program, but now I’m worrying that she’ll struggle to get high grades. She didn’t choose the cheapest option, and of course, I’m worrying that she’ll regret the opportunities she could have had if she’d gone with the cheapest one – and regretting all the things we could have done with that money! (Final choice was within budget and will be fine financially, but still . . .) And one choice involved athletic recruitment and I’m regretting her giving up the option to be a part of a great team atmosphere – doesn’t help that the Coach called to make sure he couldn’t change her mind!
I loved her choice when we visited it recently and truly do feel like she’ll be happy there, so I’m really surprised I’m feeling this way. Is this normal? Does everyone go through this a little bit when the final choice is made? Any advice on letting go of the roads not taken?
I can completely understand where you’re coming from. My daughter just committed to one of the only two universities she was accepted to (and didn’t even bother visiting the other one.) She’s on two waitlists which are probably more academically suited to her major of choice but she made a bad judgment error in her common app essay, which I think really impacted her chances on the rest of her application. I so wanted her to hold out for the possibility of one of the waitlists, but we visited the admitted students day this weekend at her accepted college and she decided there and then that that’s the school for her.
I should be happier than I am actually because the school she chose is offering her a good scholarship and is the cheapest option out there, plus she stands a good chance of being accepted into their honors program, whereas the waitlists wouldn’t have offered any merit aid and we’d have been paying full price.
But, yes, I totally understand how you feel. The whole process certainly didn’t go as we’d planned, but she’s adapted remarkably well and I’m just left feeling… deflated. I think that’s normal. We’ve just got to let it go and let them make the best of it, I guess. Good luck. I think this feeling will soon pass.
Here’s a different perspective about the college sports recruitment, coming from someone who quit the sport Junior year, and who has 2 nephews on scholarship for sports. The team becomes your life, and you have little time for anything else. I’m glad I quit so I could have the time to focus more on my academics (the travel schedule was tough!) and I also had time to try out new clubs and activities. My nephews, on the other hand, are 100% committed to their sport and love being steeped in their sport’s culture, and don’t mind not having the time for other things.
Thanks so much for the responses! Just hearing that other parents feel this way makes me feel better.
@smookypie100 - deflated is the perfect word. My husband says I just need a new hobby - I think he’s right. You’re probably correct that the feeling will pass soon. Good luck to your daughter too!
@melvin123 - that’s a good point about getting burned out on the sport. My daughter has had a slightly disappointing senior season (probably because of taking 5 APs along with the college application stress), so I think she was less interested in letting her sport be the main factor in choosing her college. My husband and I are having a harder time letting go of the “signing day” dream than she is - LOL.
“Buyer’s Remorse” is pretty common for parents. My son passed over both mine and my wife’s alma maters, and by-passed his sitser’s #1 choice to attend school five hours from home. None of us could fault him, but we all had sentimental and logical reasons why he could have made a different choice. In the end, he went to the school he felt was the best fit for him. It was objectively the best of his options, it is within our budget, and we all love visiting there, so it’s all good.
The rest of us in the family just decided to dive in head first and embrace his choice. We bought t-shirts and sweatshirts. We explored the area and found our favorite hotel and restaurants. We download music and/or audio books to entertain us on the drive. We focus on all the positives and ignore the “What if” scenarios that pop up in our heads.
My blues are that I can’t get my son to commit. He has 5 good choices, and his head is turned by each last tour he took. When we poll him, he puts what I think will be the best for him/support him at #1, but doesn’t have the prestige of the other 4. I’m 100% behind this choice, but it’s across the country and wintry (I was a California native who lived back east for college and I did fine), so he has some valid reservations so he won’t let us put the deposit down yet. I try to tell him there is a reason that there is a class of students called “transfer students”. If it’s not a good fit, he has options. I think we’ll be depositing on April 30th and may be having the blues either way after that (missed opportunity, feeling nervous about him being so far, worrying about travel costs and additional services cost - he’ll be in a program for special needs that isn’t factored into aid).
I agree that this too shall pass and empty (or emptier) nest blues will set in.
“Is this normal? Does everyone go through this a little bit when the final choice is made?”
Yes. It’s not uncommon. One of my kids chose a school that wouldn’t have been my first choice. I get why kiddo preferred another school. Bottom line, if the kid is happy with the choice, we should be as well. When the bumps come, which they are bound to over 4 years, they need to own the decision they made.
Thanks again for the reassurance all! I’m so glad to know lots of parents go through this. I thought my D would be like @overbearingmom’s son and wait until April 30th, so I think she just caught me off guard with her sudden decision this weekend.
I have immediate buyer’s remorse and guilt anytime I spend more than $100 on something, so I don’t know why I didn’t expect to feel that over a decision this costly! We had just weighed the pros and cons so often that I expected to feel much more at peace with the decision than I do. But, D is at peace with it and I’ll get there soon enough.
You are definitely not the only parent who feels this way. We felt the same way about our D’s choice right after she committed back in October (she is an athlete). Even though we felt like it was the right choice, we couldn’t help but think “what if.” Fortunately our buyers remorse only lasted about a month, and now we are nothing but excited for her. I agree with previous posters: it helped to spend some time learning more about the school, buying t-shirts for the family, etc. Now I can’t imagine wanting her to go anywhere else.
Oh gosh yes. I felt it with my first son (and I really loved his choice) and feel it already with my second, despite the fact that he hasn’t made a decision yet. I told him to expect a bit of “buyer’s remorse” but to never look back. Advice is easier to give than follow sometimes! You are totally normal.
I listened to a TED talk the other day that more choices actually end up making us less happy. I was thinking about how my son seems a little stuck in his decision with 5 good choices, and the ideas presented in the talk were interesting.
Oh yes - doesn’t help that DD is suffering from analysis paralysis - just cannot make the final decision.
She did turn down a free ride - and that did hurt a little bit to be honest. But we let her make that choice based on other factors. All her remaining choices are great choices - but she sees the good in each one, isn’t in love with one over the others, and I really think her perfectionism is preventing her from making a choice. The fear of making the “wrong” choice is so real.
I have tried telling her we will all LOVE which ever place she commits to - just need her to make the decision. May 1st cannot come fast enough.
You and your child court these places for a year or two, then when you make a final choice you have to break up with the others. Breaking up is hard to do (so the song goes).
S18 has narrowed to 2 so we declined the other schools and each time I felt a little pang wondering if it was the right choice. I feel like we have spent so much time and effort on this search over the past year and a half that I don’t quite know where to focus my energy. That’s why I spend so much time on CC with this supportive group! People who are not going through this don’t quite understand.
I can relate too. My daughter didn’t even apply to our alma mater, didn’t accept the most “prestigious” option, and chose a big school where she felt the best fit. The size alone scared the heck out of me. I’ve reminded myself often over the course of the last two years that this was her journey, not mine ; ) Thankfully I’ve had a lot of time to wrap my head around this school because she’s been saying since the first round of visits that was her #1. She did a summer program there which also solidified her decision and made me feel more comfortable. My advice along with throw yourself into the school spirit, is also to get involved with whatever school groups you can find over social media.
I think all you can do is make sure the last few colleges they are picking from are very reasonable choices (financially, academically) and let them pick based on what is important to them. Go buy that sweatshirt with the college name!
@CValle My daughter also has analysis paralysis…so when we were touring schools and she had a clear, affordable favorite (which happened to be my pick) I encouraged her to apply ED. She did, and she loves it. And no hairpulling decision in April.
Good luck. I think this feeling will soon pass.