Anyone willing to read my first draft???

Hi! I just finished my first draft of the Common App essay and I would love any feedback I can get especially from a new set of eyes. In my opinion it isn’t the greatest but I think with some help it can be improved. I answered the last prompt which talks about an event that transitioned you from childhood to adulthood. Thank you so much!!!

Please make sure current seniors do not read your essay. There seems to be a lot of fraud lately.